I'm Still Pressing On

Two years ago today, at approximately 9:00pm, I rolled into the town where I now live, backed up into the driveway of my daughter's basement apartment, and was greeted by a welcoming committee: my daughter, son-in-law, granddaughter, and grandson ran out to greet me, welcoming me to their town and their home. 

They immediately started unloading my car, which was crammed full of the last of my belongings from my house in my hometown. Over the course of several weeks, they had made trips to get my furniture and items I could live without until I closed on my house. This was the last hurrah. The caboose. The final load of random stuff. 

The end of the chapter had come earlier that day. I had spent the day loading the car in sweltering 100 degree heat and cleaning the house. I looked through every nook and cranny, making sure I had everything. I walked through each room, remembering events of the 12 years I had spent in my little bungalow that I was able to buy on my own (with God's help, of course) in 2009. I was so proud of that little house. 

After all I had been through, I never thought I'd be able to buy a house of my own. But GOD...He gave me a better job, helped me get out of debt, and eventually, found me the perfect little house.

It felt like a miracle to me. I believe it was.

It was bittersweet to sell it and move 175 miles away to a small town in the middle of nowhere that I had only visited 2-3 times a year since my daughter had lived here. Only the grace of God could have enabled me to do that. Looking back, I know that was the only way I had the strength and fortitude to do what I did.

I believe God gave me the ability to do this hard thing because it's part of His plan for me. I really believe I'm supposed to be here, at this time and in this town.

So, when the time for the loan closing came in the late afternoon, I locked up the house, gave it one last look, and drove downtown to the office to sign the papers.

Tears might have been shed at some point in the process. I went and said goodbye to my cousin at her workplace, drove to where my best friend works and said goodbye to her, then, with one more look at my beloved hometown, where I had lived for 66.5 years (my entire life up until that day), I got on the highway and started the long drive to the town I now call home.

I knew no one here except my daughter, her family, and her in-laws, who live about 30 minutes away. 

I no longer live in her basement; I was able to find a duplex across town, around 10 minutes from her for a decent monthly rent and moved in September 2021.

It hasn't always been rosy and happy; I have had some sad days along the way. I miss my friends in what will always be considered "back home." I miss my little house. I miss the entire town. 

But...I'm finally starting to feel like I belong here now. 

It's wonderful having family 10 minutes away. I love seeing my daughter, son-in-law, and grandkids more than 2-3 times a year. I get to go to school events. I pick the grandkids up from school a lot of the time. I have made some great friends, and I have found a church home. 

Who says a single woman can't start a new chapter in her late 60s?

All in all, I'd say it's going ok here in my new town. 

"...forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14 

In front of my little house in VB 2021

On the patio in my new digs 2023

July 2023 - new home

A Note About Spring

I've mentioned before that I didn't like Spring. In fact, I believe I said I hated it. Granted, I mostly hated it because of tornadoes, but I also didn't like the pollen that torments allergy sufferers.

Anyway, there are some new developments on that topic.

Spring is...growing on me. (I promise there's no pun intended here, seriously). It might have started with something my granddaughter said to me recently. I had mentioned that I was sad Winter was leaving, and she said Spring was her favorite season because that's when Jesus died for our sins and then rose on the third day.

I started to argue that we didn't know the exact time of year, like for instance, Christmas probably isn't the time of year He was born. But then, I quickly remembered, concerning His resurrection, yes it is. Yes, Jesus' death and resurrection was in the Spring. It was at passover. So I had this little argument in my head, thankfully, and never said a word about it out loud. 

A while back I was having a little prayer time while walking in the park, and I felt convicted about my stance on Spring. The Lord reminded me that Spring is a joyous time of new growth, and, as my granddaughter had mentioned, it was when He redeemed all mankind. 

As I walked, I was noticing the daffodils blooming in large bunches all over. Daffodils are very special to me (see Just a Daffodil, Feb. 25, 2018 in my older blog posts), but I've actually started to enjoy other things about spring as well.

I enjoy hearing the birds singing. I love to see the birds at my birdfeeder in my backyard. I also really enjoy a day when I can raise the windows and let the fresh, Spring air flow through the house. 

So I guess the Lord is changing my heart. If He can work in the heart of an old curmudgeon like me, He can work in anyone!

On a related note, I haven't posted the sunrises much lately, but I took a picture this morning. The first picture is January 27. The second one is this morning, March 15. Look how much farther toward the northeast it is rising now! 

I love this part of science. It's fascinating to me!

Also, notice the birds at my backyard birdfeeder. I love to watch them. 

Be blessed! 

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118.24 ESV

Happy New(ish) Year and Assorted Other Stuff

Well, here it is February, and I haven't posted in my blog. There's a reason for this. I thought I would spend a little time catching you up on my blog-posting saga.

A few months ago, I became very discouraged because it seemed no one wanted to read my blog anymore. I noticed that lots of people read my Facebook posts, though. So I'm not sure what the disconnect is concerning my blog. I used to post a link to it on my Facebook page and people clicked on the link and read it. Then people quit doing that but they were reading my FB posts. I was confused.

I decided to post on FB first, then copy and paste it to my blog, just so I could keep it. Facebook has changed so much over the years, and I was concerned that I would lose those posts. Posting them to my blog seemed the logical choice. 

This worked for a while, then in the busyness of the Holiday season (this is my excuse, and I'm sticking with it!) I kept forgetting to post my FB posts to my blog.

So here we are in February 2023, as I stated earlier. I am back to the drawing board. I've decided I'm going to be posting on my blog so I can keep the posts for material for my book writing, and I will also post the same content to Facebook.

This content, starting with New Year's Day, will be below. This post may be a little long, but I'm reasonably sure no one is going to read this since I've already posted this to my FB. This is just so it's on the blog.

From the Patio...Sort of...

Post from Facebook on Thursday, October 27. Posting on October 31 because I'm now starting to post long Facebook posts to my blog.

Long post ahead: grab some coffee.

Work Looks Different These Days

A couple of days ago, I realized I hadn't been writing in my journal. In fact, I became aware that I was not lingering as long to hear from the Spirit in my quiet time in the mornings, when I have prayer and Bible reading. 

Ironically, I finally became aware of this because I lingered a little longer. Yep.

I had been reading Psalm 34 over and over; I read some parts out loud, and I sat and meditated on what its meaning was. The whole chapter is amazing, but I want to focus on this part:

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:13, 14.  

The last phrase, "seek peace and pursue it" really hit home with me. I started thinking, how do I seek peace?

This led me to ponder why I haven't been sitting as long, listening, and writing in my journal. Then I began to comprehend what was going on:

I feel like I should be "busy;" up and dressed and "doing something constructive." All those years I was in the work force, I was up and "being constructive" by no later than 7:30 am in the morning in the school office. 

It dawned on me that I have been feeling like I'm being lazy. I have falsely believed that "busy is good" and "being still is laziness."

But, as I have discovered in the last few years, I'm a writer. It's actually my only job now, since I retired. Writers have to sit still to write what they need to write. It's how they do their work; it's the method needed to do their job!

Since retirement last July, I have not ceased being busy; and when I am not being busy and on my feet doing some type of physical work like laundry, housework, or sorting through stuff to donate, I have fallen into the trap of feeling guilty for not being productive. 

Sidenote: I've even allowed myself to feel guilty for reading so much more (mostly an hour before bed, or 15 minutes here and there waiting to pick up the grandkids). I've averaged about a book a week since January 1. 

It is probably understandable to still feel like I need to be doing something; after all, I had to pull my non-morning-person self up and force myself out the door to work for so many years. So many years.

Back then, I had a sense of purpose. I knew what I was supposed to do. It was, by the way, a desk job requiring me to sit and do computer work and deposits and all that bookkeeper type of stuff.  Strange that I never felt like I was not being productive by sitting still back then.

It was a wonderful job, and it was given to me by God. I loved my job, and because God gave it to me, He enabled me to be good at it. In and of myself I wouldn't have been able to do it. 

It was actually painful to give it up, but I knew deep in my heart that it was time...time to do the job God has given me for this next phase of my life.

Writing.

God put writing within me a long time ago. It's a gift; part of His spiritual gift in me of encouragement. 

How does that work? A person who has struggled with depression and anxiety for most of her life is an encourager?

Crazy I know. But here we are. However, I always know I have to lean close in and hear from God. I cannot do this without Him. He gets all the glory that way.

So, if He wants me to exercise my gift to write and encourage, He knows I have to have some part of my day to sit and do just that. Therefore, I should not feel guilty for sitting and listening to the Lord when I'm meditating on His word.

Some people are called to do the more physical things, like those called to hospitality. Man, I wish I could do those things! Those people who love to cook and plan parties and stuff like that. God love them, they are so important! We need them. I'm in awe of them; I can't do what they do. 

I am not that person, and I've finally just admitted it.

I can no longer accept the condemnation heaped on me by my own perception of what productivity looks like. I've felt inadequate for far too long. Those people who are naturally physically active people who have the capacity to be more active, those who like to cook and entertain, or the ones who are outgoing and can talk to people with ease are exercising their God given gifts. God put that within them to do those things.

I'm no way trying to say they are better than I am, or I am better than they. Please hear my heart on this. 

They have their job to do, and I have mine.

"Lord, today I accept the assignment You gave me all those years ago when I accepted You as Savior, and I fully embrace it. I will be still and know you are God; and I will write."

Blessings, friends. 💗

New Chapter

It's been a while since I have written in this blog. There's been a LOT going on.

For starters, I'll sum up (too much to 'splain just yet):

June 18: On the day after my last official work day (I had vacation days to use up), I sold my house.

June 30: I officially retired from the school where I had worked since 1995.

August 3: I closed on the house I had bought in 2009 and that same day, drove 3 1/2 hours to where my daughter and her family lives.

Yep, a lot has happened in a short amount of time. Welcome to the new chapter of my life. Now, let me explain what's been going on.

Several years ago, when I first started thinking about retirement, I started entertaining the thought of moving to where my family lives. Those who know me know that I could have not been persuaded to leave my hometown, the only place I have lived for the 66.5 years of my life so far, unless God directed me to. I liked my little house and my little town. I had close friends at church and at work. I was content.

Until I wasn't. About 2 years ago, I really started to feel isolated from family and friends. Several good friends had retired or became involved in their own families to a greater extent so that I seldom saw them. Completely understandable, but those are the facts. Also, I only saw my kids about once a year, and 2-3 times a year I traveled to the town where I am now living to see my grandkids.

Then Covid came along, and all that came to an abrupt halt. There was no more seeing anyone, anytime. I was working from home, where I lived alone. I didn't see my friends, my co-workers, my church family, or my children and grandchildren. The only social interaction I had was on zoom and Facetime calls.

I don't have to tell you, though; you all lived it with me. Our society has changed drastically in the past year and a half.

My daughter had been suggesting that I moved to their town when I retired. I had been hesitant, but still open to the suggestion for SOMEDAY. Not right away, though. That is, until the 4 1/2 months of working from home and isolation I endured from mid-March through the first week of August in 2020.

I'm not outgoing; I'm actually quite the introvert, and I do fine by myself with some social interaction every so often. I didn't do so well with 4+ months of it, though.

I started to feel like I was on an island, and there were no boats venturing close to it. I went days without uttering a sound because there was no one anywhere near me.

My beloved 15-year-old cat, Izzy, had crossed the rainbow bridge in December 2020, so I didn't even have her to talk to.

The idea of moving started to sound plausible. 

About a year ago, I started considering putting my house up for sale in the spring of 2021. I prayed about it a lot, and somewhere along the way a number--a sale price for my house--came to me. I pushed it aside because I knew nothing about selling a house and what to ask for it.

But the number stayed there. I began to realize that it was God putting that number in my head. I felt He was telling me that this was the price I would get for it.

I consulted a friend at church who is a realtor, and she told me what I should ask for my house if I wanted to sell it on my own. This price was a little more than the number I had been thinking of, but it's what I decided to start with. The plan was to try and sell it for a few weeks, then list it with her if it didn't sell.

By the middle of June, the people who had been interested in my house all backed away. No one even countered my asking price. I decided that meant I was supposed to list it, so I made an appointment for June 18, my first day of vacation, to meet with my realtor and list my house.

Meanwhile...(this is where it gets good)...    

I needed to train my replacement at my job, but we had difficulty getting together. I finally got to work with her for 2 hours on my last day on the job, at the end of the day. I now know that this was exactly how God set it up.

The peace of God enveloped me when I met her; I knew she was who God wanted to have my job. He had given it to me years before in a strange turn of events and I had loved my job. It was the job I was meant to do. Now I knew He had done the same for her.

I had paperwork to turn in to the administration office, but they were closed by the time we were finished that day, so I went to turn in the paperwork the next morning, on the first day of my vacation, June 18. Because I had to go to the office to turn this in, I saw and talked to someone I didn't see often. As it turns out, this is who bought my house. 

I had been feeling a little irritated that the events of that week had not lined up like I had planned. But God...HE had a plan.

The price? There was an offer, and I countered. Then the buyer countered the number that had been in my head for almost a year. 

I started crying because I knew God was working to sell my house.

GOD sold my house. I had nothing to do with it. 

I still don't have a house of my own; housing is hard to find right now. But I have my daughter and son-in-law's basement apartment to live in until I find a place. My needs are met. God had it all worked out.

So begins my new chapter, in a new town. God is in control, He has shown me that repeatedly. 

By the way, this is the scripture that came to me when I woke up this morning:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Just an Ordinary Moment

I've been having my morning coffee on the back porch as much as possible lately. Most days I am scurrying around, trying to get out the door to work on time and there's just not time. There would be if I got up earlier, but since I'm a night owl that's not likely to happen.

This morning, though, was a Saturday, so I spent some time praying and listening on the porch this morning.

It was cool out this morning, and a gentle breeze stirred the trees occasionally. It was refreshing, that breeze. I would have missed out on that if I had my time with the Lord inside on the couch, like I usually do.

I heard a buzzing sound, and looked over to see honeybees in the bush by the porch. They were not interested in me. They were doing what God created them to do, pollinating the plants. They were minding their own business. They had no plan to come and sting me at all, I'm sure of it.

But I moved to the chair on the other side of the porch, just in case.

I continued to listen and watch. Birds were singing and flying here and there. Little white cottonwood seeds from the neighbor's tree swirled around and around on the wind and finally floated down to the ground. Squirrels scampered in the trees. I looked up and saw the moon, still visible through a gap in the tree limbs above even though it was daylight. Five minutes later, I looked up again and it had moved farther west. I could barely see a bit of it behind the tree limb.

What's the point of all this? I asked myself the same thing at first, but then I realized a profound, simple truth.

I felt a breeze. I heard and then saw bees hard at work. I saw birds and heard their sweet songs. I watched the snow-like cottonwood seeds ride the breeze. I saw a glimpse, just for a moment, of the moon on its daily path.

I experienced these things because I stopped and took the time. Sure, they don't seem significant in themselves. They are normal, everyday occurrences. But God spoke to me in those daily, ordinary things that don't seem to matter.

I noticed nature this morning because I got still. He promised to never leave me, so I know He is with me always. He is always and forever right by my side. But....how many times has He had something to say to me, but I wouldn't be still and listen?

Lord, forgive me for being too busy. I am listening now.

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10 NIV

Seasons

A few weeks back, I was reflecting on my life on a Saturday morning, and suddenly I was journaling about it. I have felt for a couple of weeks that I should post it, so that's what I'm doing.  The following is taken from that Saturday morning-with-coffee time of reflection:

There are some things I have learned about myself over the years.

Fact #1--I can't function in chaos. Right now there are various items on the kitchen table, where I am seated, that do not belong here. Some mail, mostly junk, that never made it to the bill rack or trash can.  It has to be sorted though, because there are some pieces of this that I need. There's a half full water bottle for some reason. My Bible case. Pens and markers.  Ugh.  It is really distracting and I have to do something about it today.

For whatever reason, I need a clean table or desk to properly sit and write in my journal or on my blog. The same goes for my desk at work.  I have rearranged my desk top several times in the last couple of months trying to have a cleaner surface so I can work efficiently. As of yesterday, I'm finally happy with my desk.

I don't know why this is.  I'm just happy that I finally realized this about myself.

Fact #2--I have to have my Saturdays to re-charge my "batteries" so to speak.  I used to run and do stuff every weekend and somehow had the energy and stamina to work all week and run all weekend. Not anymore. Except for the occasional weekend trip, for which God gives the grace and energy, I am a hermit on Saturday.

I have come to the the realization that God gives us the grace and strength for what we need to do for a season. Part of it is the aging process.  I am 60 now, and don't have quite the energy level I had when my kids were in high school and I ran all the time doing stuff with them.  However, part of it is just this:  God gave me the ability to run with my teenagers, work my main job all week, and work a part-time job in a fast-food restaurant on nights and weekends at a time in my life when it was needed. More recently, He gave me the motivation and energy to go to college and do homework every night and weekend well past the age when most people are in college.

Now I know it was for a season, and it's over. It's over. Funny thing is, I'm not upset about it. I am grateful to get to be home most nights and on Saturday.  It's my favorite place to be. I have projects around the house I enjoy working on like my pictures, writing my blog, and learning to live a minimal lifestyle.

So those were my thoughts that Saturday morning as I sat with Bible, journal, and coffee. I was left with the impression that it's time to clean up my environment--physically, mentally, and spiritually--and get to what God has called me to do in this season.  For one, I know I'm drawn to writing in this blog. It makes me happy, but most of the time I don't feel like I have anything to say. I have to depend on Jesus to show me what is "share-worthy" in my life.

In other words, I need to sort through the stack of "mail" in my life--the necessary stuff and the unnecessary stuff--and figure out what is junk and what is not. That may not make sense to anyone else, but the analogy is very clear to me. Aside from the junk mail, none of the things on the kitchen table that day were unneeded; they were just out of place. I love to organize. I am excited about this challenge. God will show me how to sort everything out according to His plan.

My main reason for writing is to encourage others and point them to Jesus, who is the only answer. If you are facing a new, uncharted territory in your life, maybe it is just a new season that God is bringing about. Don't be afraid; He will equip you for what He has called you to do.

I embrace the season that God has put me in.  With His help, I know I can do this.

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1 NLT

I Have a Confession to Make

It's September 14, and I have a confession to make.  I never thought I'd say this so early in the fall.

I started my Christmas shopping today.

Now, before you that know me very well rush over here to take my temperature, let me just say something. I know it's out of character for me.  I hate shopping. You all know that about me.  I would usually rather take a beating than go all out "shopping."  It's right up there with root canals and watching sports on TV.

I probably just lost a bunch of you. It's ok. I haven't made any secret of the fact that I don't like sports, either. Oh occasionally I can be coaxed into attending a football game here and there, especially if the band is playing at halftime. (Ok, ok, only if the band is playing at halftime).  But I digress... For the 2 of you that are still reading, here is what happened. 

Shopping is a crafty little diversion. It sneaked up on me.  My black every day casual shoes that I wear to work are toast. We are talking holes in the soles kind of toast. So I had to go shopping to find some new shoes.

Side note:  I have a total of about 12 pairs of shoes, which includes four pairs of flip-floppy type sandals that will be put away for the winter very soon.  I am learning to live minimally, which is not for everyone but I'm loving it.  It does, however, mean when the shoes are worn out, I have to replace them pretty quickly.  I have a black pair, a brown pair, short and tall boots, tennis shoe type walking shoes, and one pair of dress shoes. I guess shoes are not really my thing. Don't ask me about purses, though.  That's another blog for another day. 

So, I'm there in the department store and out of the blue I saw something that I think someone on my Christmas shopping list would love. At first I thought, "I have to make a note of that and come back during Christmas season."  But then a crazy thought came to me: Why not buy it now and put it in a designated Christmas gift area at home (so I don't forget about it) and then I don't have to come back and risk it being gone? Crazy thinking for me.

That's how it starts, isn't it?  I know, I know; I'm doomed.  Now every time I'm shopping I'll be on the lookout for gift-worthy items for those I shop for at Christmas. Of course, it would have been better if this revelation had come to me in April or May I guess. But September is better than the middle of December, when I usually start thinking about Christmas.

I don't know what it is about shopping I don't like. Is it the crowds? Everyone knows I don't like crowds. I am a dedicated hermit in the making these days because I'm home studying so much. Truth is, there is no where on the planet I would rather be than home. I am a very content homebody.

Maybe it's the fact that all the good stores are in a bigger city than where I live and it's too far out of the way. With gas being as high as it is these days, I really try to limit my trips to the "city." When I do go, I try to do several things while I'm there.

I do think there is something to already being in close proximity to the stores that makes it a little easier for me.  I was already in the "larger city" a few miles from the little town I live in, since I go to church there.  Maybe that's the key; plan to stay in town after church every two or three weeks and get some shopping done. 

What a concept. 

I know this hasn't been a real uplifting or spiritual post. I guess sometimes you just get a peek inside my everyday life. I suppose that's ok now and then. I never said this blog would always be deep. I do hope it makes someone smile at least, even if it's because they are laughing at me. Laughter is good for you.

God cares about me finding shoes, and He gave me a bonus. It made me feel good to buy something for someone else, too.

Be blessed and have a great week!

Holidays and Family Time

Here I am, posting less than 2 weeks after my last post.  I'm making progress!  I will get this regular posting under control.

It has been an eventful few weeks.  The weekend before Christmas, my daughter and family came and we had "Christmas" a little early so they could be back home for my granddaughter to have Christmas morning at home.  I totally get that; we did that when the kids were growing up, too.  We always had Christmas Eve at my parents' house and Christmas Day at home, but since my daughter and I live 3 1/2 hours apart that isn't feasible.  So the weekend before works.  At least we all get to be together.

Following my daughter's visit, Christmas Day my oldest son came in and stayed with me until the following Sunday. We had a great visit; Christmas dinner with the cousins, which turned into a fun game night complete with a session of "Just Dance," or something like it on X-Box and lots of catching up with everyone. Then he and I went back to my house for our traditional viewing of the Doctor Who Christmas Special later that evening. We also went to see "The Desolation of Smaug" during his time here.  Great movie.

Finally, this past week my youngest son came for a visit. He stayed with me part of the time and also drove upstate to see his sister and niece, whom he hadn't seen in over 2 years. We also had a great visit; lots of catching up as well as 2 movies at the theater; "Catching Fire," which was excellent, and "Frozen," which was surprisingly good.

Yes, we do a lot of movie watching, but that's what we enjoy.  Their childhood was filled with lots of movie watching, and we have some great memories of those times.

So, as I said before, it's been an eventful few weeks.  This last week was crazy; 9 degrees Monday, freezing rain and sleet Wednesday, and a snow day Thursday (which, ironically, I spent alone since my son was visiting his sister).  The week ended with my son coming back and spending a couple of days with me before going back home today.

Oh, and the temperature today was 70 I believe.  Quite a change from 9 degrees earlier in the week, though I don't really like warm weather, especially in the winter when it's supposed to be cold.

And now, for something completely different:  Classes start tomorrow!  I'm ready to get going on the next to last semester of my bachelor's degree.  The excitement generated by my upcoming college classes has helped take the sting out of the "empty nest" I always feel when my children have been here and gone again. A definite improvement.

God is healing my heart in the most incredible way.  He is amazing.  "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  Psalm 147:3 NASB.

Have a great week!

Fresh Starts and Resolutions

Wow.  I was shocked when I logged in to my blog and discovered that my last post was in October.  I really had no idea it had been that long.  It was a very busy fall, but that is ridiculous!  

I made one new year's resolution this year:  to blog regularly.  My goal is to blog weekly; we'll see how it goes.  I know that readers get tired of blogs that don't post on a regular basis and I don't blame them.  I follow several blogs myself, and it is annoying to me, too.

So, with that being said, here goes with the new year of 2014.  First, I will list the reasons I was ready for 2013 to end:

Quite frankly, 2013 was a hard year for me, and I welcome a new year with a fresh start.  In 2013, I had some health issues that caused a lot of pain, and I ended up undergoing two surgical procedures; one in November and one December 30.  Neither were major, but it doesn't feel minor when you are being wheeled into surgery.

I also struggled with other issues in my life, like overcoming perfectionism, balancing my college classes with the rest of my life, and missing my adult children.  I made progress in the first two.  The last one, well, it's an ongoing struggle, but I am starting to see some improvement.  Any of you readers have children that live more than a day's drive away?  If so, maybe you can relate.  I know that it is made worse by the fact that I am single, and when they come to visit, the vacuum left when they leave is therefore very noticeable.  

Those are the problems that make me glad for a fresh start.  But, as I said, I am doing better.  There is a lot to be thankful for, too:

Number one: the spells of sadness or depression after a child has visited is less than 24 hours now, where a few years ago it could go on for days, even weeks.  

Two:  I successfully took 15 college hours last year, and only have 12 to go! Two classes this spring, and two this fall, and I will GRADUATE.  Yes.  I will graduate with a B.A. in English in December of 2014! 

Three:  I have church family members that help fill the void in the absence of my biological family.  I am so, so thankful for them.  I love them like they were blood family.  God really does "set the lonely in families" as it says in Psalm 68:6.

All in all, it was a pretty good year.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I have hope for 2014.  It is going to be a good year. I just know it is.

So, there you have it.  The good last year outweighs the bad.  I am a blessed woman, and I thank God for what He has done in my life.  And, ready or not 2014 is here.  So here we go!  It's off to a good start...I blogged as I had planned to.  

Have a great 2014! Happy New Year everyone!  

Imperfect Situations

I went outside this evening before dark and sat on the back steps.  I have lived in my house for 3 1/2 years and I still don't have the deck I want back there.  I decided to go outside anyway, without a beautiful deck and deck furniture to sit on.  In hindsight, I should have sat in the lawn chair, because getting up off the steps was painful!  But, I digress...

Imperfect situations.  Isn't that what has been plaguing me for years?  Waiting until I have the "perfect circumstances?" Waiting for it to warm up, cool off, quit raining, stop being so....whatever?

It's time I pushed through the imperfection that life is and just live. It will be one step at a time, as the Spirit leads, but moving forward at least.

With the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I've discovered that I've been trying to "set the stage" like my life was a play. Wanting the right chair, the perfect table, a window to sit by in the kitchen for my devotional time (but the only one is over the sink, so that's not happening). Not having a real, consistent quiet time with God except sporadically for years, all because the "props" weren't right.

Yes, I just admitted that. I am not proud of it, and I have suffered much because of it. We are mostly hurting ourselves when we neglect our prayer life, as I have discovered the hard way. That's a little nugget of truth I will just throw out there for free.

Last year when I went through a major battle, I suddenly found a way to meet with God, perfect circumstances or not. Actually, I just got still; HE came to me.  Right where I was, in my recliner, as I sat and cried and poured out my heart, He met me at the very point of my need. That was a very painful, but very special time for me.  Soon I found that I had to have that time with Him, whether it was an hour on Saturday morning or merely 10 minutes before I got ready for work. It didn't seem to matter how long I was there; the point was, I was there.  Through that painful but special time, He became my very existence.  I had to have time with Him like I had to have air, water, and food. In the long run, what I found I didn't need was the approval of others. With His guidance, I slayed a huge giant that I had never been able to get around before: having to be accepted, needed, and valuable to others. It's nice to be accepted, needed, valuable, even loved, and I still enjoy it when it happens, but I don't need it like I have all my life until now. My worth is in Jesus.

So what's the problem?  It seems that perfectionism is the next giant in my path that has to fall.  I have such a list of things I "need," like

__a deck so I could comfortably sit outside
__better chairs for the deck
__a porch swing or glider for sitting on the front porch if I should choose to.

The unchecked off list, or at least, part of it. So many things are not as I would like them to be.  Yet one day fades into the next and I still don't have these things.  And life goes on.

I was recently reminded of a time a few years ago when I was so motivated to do some simple little projects around the house, but money was tight and I couldn't  really go and buy the things I thought I needed.  I prayed, and God said to work with what I have. I looked around and found I already had the ingredients  for the project. When I got the thing done with what I already had, the means to have what I thought I needed was provided eventually.

So here is where I find myself again. I don't know who needs this, but I had to blog about this. Maybe someone needs it; maybe I just needed to be obedient and share it.

This is my prayer:

"God, show me how to work with what you have already provided.  Reveal to me what is right in front of me, and show me how to proceed. Help me to slay the giant of perfectionism that looms in my path, because no matter how I try to veer away from him and go another way, I turn a corner and there he is.

Thank you, Father.  In Jesus' name,

Amen."

Resolutions and Writing

One of my resolutions for 2013 is to be more consistent in with my blogging.  I have tended to wait until I had something really good that I felt God had shown me, something that could be an encouragement to others and even myself when I needed it later.  I have written in a journal all my life.  I have always enjoyed writing everything down. There's something therapeutic for me about documenting events in my life, and it became more about my spiritual journey after I became a Christian in 1994.  

This year, though, I am taking Heartfelt in a different direction.  It will still be for journaling about the ups and downs of life in this journey God has taken me on since I gave my life to him 18 years ago. However, if I am to write more often, perhaps weekly, I might have to diversify. It's not that I'm writing for the sake of writing. It's more about disciplining myself.  Writing is just the way I am exercising that discipline.

So, the first of these posts will follow this one in a day or two.  In November of 2012, I traveled to Virginia to see my son and daughter-in-law, and we went to Washington D.C. to see some sights.  I had never been to the D.C. area.  It was quite the adventure, and I really am looking forward to writing about it.  There will even be pictures. 

See you soon!

Zoe Ann

I haven't written in a while.  In fact, it looks like I skipped April entirely.  There's a reason for that.  College classes were keeping me busy, along with work and church.  But the big thing that April 2011 will be remembered for is...little.  Zoe Ann, my first grandchild, was born 3 weeks early on April 21, 2011.  She weighed 5 lb., 12 oz. and was 18 1/2 inches long.  Tiny and cute, and in perfect health, thank God.

 

I dropped everything and drove up to where my daughter lives when she called and said she was in labor.  She had a C-section, since Zoe was frank breech and couldn't be delivered safely by the natural means, therefore I wasn't there yet when she was born.  I got there around 30 minutes after they had finished with the intense exam they give preemie babies, so I got to hold her almost as soon as anyone did.  I stayed a week to help out, then returned home.  I just got back home from a quick trip up there--roughly 24 hours from start to finish.  I'll go back every chance I get. In fact, I'm going in a couple of weeks for Memorial Day and stay a couple of days.

Being a grandmother--"Mimi," we decided--is wonderful.  I just wish we all lived closer together.  My family is too spread out.  

 
Thank God for weekends and a reliable car.

My Testimony

I recently became aware that I don't really have my testimony on here.  I thought I did.  I've been very selective as I pull entries from my actual journal (which I have all typed into a word document...yes, I'm a little ocd, ok?).  Anyway, here goes with the testimony.

I was raised in church.  I did all the "churchy" stuff; I went to Sunday school, attended Vacation Bible School every summer, and went to youth camp as a teenager.  I knew exactly how to "do church."  After many years of going through the motions, I convinced myself I was a Christian. I can remember trying really hard to please everyone and do the right stuff so they would all be happy.  I never felt I measured up; and I was right.  I was trying to bridge the gap between God and me by being good enough, and that just isn't possible.  I was lost.

I won't elaborate on the many years I went on like this, but basically, it went on for years.  I married at the tender age of 18 and had all three of our wonderful kids by the time I was 27.  We tried to stay in church, but it was very hard, and I know I was unsaved, which was part of the problem.  Looking back, I'd venture a guess that my husband was, too. Because of my upbringing, I knew that our kids needed to be in church.  I was drawn there, and I know now it was the Holy Spirit convicting me and drawing me to Christ.  Eventually though, by the time the oldest was a teenager, we had pretty much stopped going. Great timing to drop out of church just about the time the kids reach their teens.

In 1993, my 13-year-old daughter was invited to Disciple Now, a youth retreat held over a weekend, at a local church.  As a result of this, she was saved and I started going with her to that church.  My life didn't change immediately, though.  Even though I was finally in church, I was still walking in darkness in my heart.  I had been depressed for a long time and was very unhappy. I know now that satan had built a stronghold of depression and fear in my heart.   I had deluded myself into thinking that I was ok.  I justified every sinful and selfish thing I did.  I was never "out there;" into drugs or alcohol, but I might have seen my sinfulness if I had been.  Instead, I didn't realize I needed saving.  After all, I had been raised in church;  I had a Godly heritage.  In addition to this, my marriage was in deep trouble; my husband and I barely spoke. I stayed heartbroken over the situation most of the time; one of the reasons I was so depressed.

It all came crashing down on October 31, 1994. That particular morning, I had come home at daybreak after working all night at Walmart.  In those days, department managers reset the counters for the next season after the store closed at 9:00.  I had to reset my department for Christmas since it was Halloween.  I tried to sleep after my husband left for work and the kids went to school, but even with black trash bags over the windows it was hard to sleep.  I was so convicted about my life and how I had been living, going through the motions of Christianity but not actually willing to turn control over to God.  In short, I was miserable. I slept 3 or 4 hours and finally got up about noon.

I went into the living room and just fell down on the floor. Something broke in me and I just started crying out to God.  I had made a complete mess of my life trying to be in charge, and I finally saw my need for a Savior. The Word I had been hearing at the church I had been attending for a year did not return void, but was at work in me all that time.  I saw the truth at last, and I was so ashamed that I had rejected Jesus' sacrifice all those years.  So many wasted years!  I asked Him to forgive me and I received Jesus as my Savior right then and there.  I laid there crying for close to an hour I guess, brokenhearted.  As I later journaled:

"October 31, 1994:  This was the day that I laid the broken pieces of my life at the feet of Jesus. He was so real to me that day, alone in my house, that I could almost see Him standing in my living room. Having been in pain emotionally for a number of years, I asked Him to fill my heart with His love, because I felt no one really loved me. I asked Him to fill my cup, as I lifted it to Him, until it overflowed with His love. I asked for Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit and use me somehow in His work.  The results continue to amaze me...God has allowed my pain & hurt, BUT—now I listen to Him. I probably wouldn’t have if I had lived the “perfect life” I wanted.  He is molding me so He can use me..."

I would love to tell you that everything was rosy and perfect in my life after that, but it wasn't.  I did have the peace of God finally, and by His grace I got through some very dark days in the next few years.  My brother died suddenly in Dec.1995, my mother died three months after him, and in 1997, my marriage ended in spite of my best efforts.  I can see now that only because I was trusting in Jesus could I have survived those days; His grace truly was--and IS--sufficient for me. 

I have never been the same...thank God!  

When it all started...

The foundation for my blog can be found in the entry I made in my journal on February 5, 2009. In that entry I revealed that I identify so well with the main character of the book _Hinds' Feet on High Places_ by Hannah Hurnard. For years, I had been dominated by a spirit of fear. Every aspect of my life was controlled by the paralyzing effect that fear had on me. I was convinced that I could not do the things that others did; that I somehow had limitations others didn't have. God has done a great work in me over the years, since I accepted Him as my Savior 14 years ago. I now know that I was being lied to about my limitations, just like Much Afraid in the book was. I have journaled about it ever since. The very first entry in my ongoing spiritual journey started with these words:

"October 31, 1994. This was the day that I laid the broken pieces of my life at the feet of Jesus. He was so real to me that day, alone in my house, that I could almost see Him standing in my living room. Having been in pain emotionally for a number of years, I asked Him to fill my heart with His love, because I felt no one really loved me. I asked Him to fill my cup, as I lifted it to Him, until it overflowed with His love. I asked for Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit and use me somehow in His work."

He has continued to amaze me. I have had ups and downs of course, but the road continues to lead upward, just like Much Afraid's journey in the book did. Pride, Resentment, and Self-Pity have visited me on this trip, but just as in the book, my Shepard comes to my rescue when I call on Him. This is where I find myself tonight. I have had many difficulties lately, and it is so tempting to believe the lies that the enemy of my soul whispers in my ear. But God is faithful, and He helps me when it gets to be too much for me, like tonight. It has been my experience that when I have these times, those are the times I need to dig into the Word for a nugget of truth to stand on. I have to declare it several times before I start to believe it sometimes, but Jesus always comes through. The truth of His Word is not dependent on my ability to grasp it or even declare it. His truth is truth, regardless of my feelings. And not only do I have to dig in and hang on, I have to share it. One of my spiritual gifts involves writing and encouraging others. I know I am not the only one going through "stuff," as much as satan would like me to think I am. This is why I like to write; it is something God put within me. I simply cannot keep it to myself. 

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights." Habakkuk 3:19 (NLT)