Summer Stuff and Some Encouragement

A little over a week ago we had the summer solstice on June 21. This was the longest day of the year; now the days are getting shorter in the northern hemisphere where I live. Onward toward fall! I've included a picture of the sun peeking up over the trees in my backyard, taken that Saturday morning about 7:30. That's the farthest northeast it will rise for a good while. 

We've already established that I'm a nerd about these things. On to other things.

The week of June 15th was unbearably hot, getting to the low 90s in the afternoon. I walked mornings when I could, but even then it was in the low 80s. I've included some pictures of the campus, up by the buildings, and the more wooded trail at ASU, which was a little cooler on those days because it was shadier.

Last week we started having more rain again, so at least it cooled off some. I had to walk at Cooper Park several days because they were getting the ASU campus ready for the annual Red, White, and Blue celebration, held on June 28 and 29. I really missed my familiar trails, but it was good to have somewhere else to walk. 

We had a fireworks display Saturday night, and it was magnificent as usual. Pictures don't do it justice, but I will include some. (All the rest of the pictures will be at the end).

I have pretty much finished the front "porch" refresh. I will eventually buy an outdoor rug, and I am considering painting the front door, but for now I'm content with what it is. It's the best I can do right now, considering it's a rental. I like it. I feel like I'm sitting in a little garden when I am having my morning coffee. I especially like the blue wind chimes with the copper bells.

I'll leave you with some encouragement.

I'm still reading the Bible Recap reading plan for the year, and the passage in yesterday's reading is one of my favorites. In 2 Chronicles 20, where 3 surrounding enemy countries were coming against Judah and King Jehoshaphat, the Spirit of the Lord spoke through Jahaziel and told the king and all the people that this battle was not theirs, but God's. He told them to simply stand and watch the way the Lord came to their rescue. 

They watched as all their enemies turned on each other, and their enemies all killed each other. Every one of their enemies was dead, and it took them 3 days to carry the spoils of war back home.

This is really encouraging to me. Not only did God destroy their enemies, He did it knowing that Jehoshaphat would make a wicked alliance in the future that would displease Him. 

It's so hard to get my head around the love of God. He is kind and good to us even when we aren't. We certainly don't deserve how good He is to His children. We can never earn His love. 

Read 2 Chronicles 20 and the following chapter or 2. It's an amazing account.

Blessings to you all! 

"'You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.' Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out to face them, for the Lord is with you."

2 Chronicles 20:17 NASB

Walk by the Spirit

I've tried to write this testimony so many times, but I could never get the right words to explain it. I think this time I may have succeeded. It must be God's timing.

Many years ago, before I had placed my faith in Jesus as my Savior, I did not know my worth. I grew up in church but did not have a relationship with Jesus. I never even heard of the concept of having a relationship with Jesus until was in my late thirties.

Later, after I had placed my faith in Jesus, I was still very insecure. The challenges I faced as a divorcee with a teenage son in high school were plentiful. The enemy threw everything he could at me to discourage me and he was successful for a lot of years. A whole lot of years.

I didn't know it then, but after the divorce I thought I had lost my identity; I was no longer a wife, so that was not who I was. My mom and dad had passed away so I was no longer a daughter. My brother had passed away, so I was no longer a sister.  My older two children were in college and I perceived erroneously that they no longer needed me, so I had a somewhat emptier nest. Bless his heart, my youngest son bore the brunt of my depression and despair in those early, dark days. He was and still is a good listener and has wisdom beyond his years. I leaned on him a lot, even though looking back, I cringe thinking about what the whole situation did to him.

So I had my son, and a couple of friends who were wonderful, but they weren't supposed to bear the weight of my broken heart. That belonged to Jesus, but I didn't come to that realization for many years; many agonizing, painful years.

As I have mentioned on here before, my need for affirmation, along with the need to know my identity, caused my anguish and desolation to consume me.

I had to belong to someone, somewhere. I had to! Not even in a romantic setting; I just wanted to be part of a family. I tried to belong by taking matters in my own hands.  I left a good, Bible-believing church on a quest for "where I belonged."

All the time, I already belonged to Jesus, and my worth was in Him, but I had not been a Christian for very long, and the divorce derailed my discipleship somewhat. So I didn't know.

I wandered for two years looking for where I belonged. During this time, my friends that I had leaned on so much moved away from my area. Shortly after that, my youngest went away to college.

And the bottom fell out of my world.

In a odd twist of events, shortly before my son went off to college, I had landed in the church where I have now been a member for nearly 20 years. I was not home free, though. I knew I belonged in that church; God confirmed that to me when I walked in the door the first time. However, I still had the gnawing neediness that left me feeling empty and unwanted.

Oh man, it is so humiliating to admit all this! I wouldn't do it if I didn't KNOW I'm supposed to. Someone needs to hear this; to know there is hope for them. I know this is true. I have been stuck, unable to write for months because I didn't know how to say this. Ever balk at something God told you to do? You can't pick and choose what He tells you to do. Feeling stuck? Go back to the last thing He said. Do the thing He put in your heart and get unstuck.

So, here we are. Now I have to do this; it has to be said. It's a fire within me tonight.

So here goes.

I know in the early days of my divorced state I drove people crazy; I would hang around on the edges of groups of new friends I had made. I wanted to be wanted. I hoped and prayed for them to see me and talk to me. If they liked me, I would matter (I subconsciously told myself). I hoped they would invite me to go to lunch after church. I wanted to belong. I had to fill the cavernous emptiness in me.

I was trying to make something happen, instead of trusting God to let it happen --IF it was supposed to--in His timing. Someone very dear to me kept telling me to not force things, just "let it happen," but it was lost on me. I didn't get it.

This went on for way too long. I went to prayer meetings, I stood in lines to be prayed for, and I told all my problems to a few friends I had become close to. I did get some better, but it wasn't until I hit rock bottom about eight years ago that things really started to change.

I was already on anti-depressants, but serotonin levels in my brain are only one factor in the depression I was dealing with. I had serious, deep-seated issues that I had to deal with to be free.

A couple of things happened to help me to find deliverance. First, I went through a Divorce Care class. It was years after the divorce, but it brought a bunch of stuff to the surface that I never even knew was there.

Second, I got some professional counseling. I met on a regular basis with a married couple who were Christian counselors. They knew the right questions to ask me, and most importantly, they knew how to pray. We met, talked, and prayed together for several months. God used them to guide me to deliverance from the junk that had made me so needy and desperate. He used them to show me that I was already free; Jesus had set me free when He died for me on the cross. I came to realize I was sitting in a prison cell, so to speak, but the door was unlocked and the chains I was wearing were just hanging on my wrists, unfastened.

In time, I got up and the chains of depression, despair, and abandonment, as well as many others, dropped off because I was no longer bound. I walked out of that prison FREE, knowing that my worth is in Christ Jesus. I am His and He provides my every need.

It wasn't until that counseling that my eyes were opened to the fact that I was trying to make things happen that I felt like I needed. Just like my friend had been saying. In time I learned to listen to the Holy Spirit; to discern if I was wanting something He either knew wasn't needed or it was just not the right time.

If you struggling with knowing your worth or trying to belong, or any kind of bondage, take heart. If you have placed your faith in Jesus as your Savior, you are His. You belong to Him.  He loves you more than you can fathom.

He will lead you out of the darkness if you will just quiet yourself and listen to Him. Be blessed, my friend!

If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Galatians 5:25 NASB

On the Other Side of Bitter

I was sick for most of April with a sinus infection, which went into bronchitis. I went to the doctor twice for that, because I couldn't stop coughing. I had one good weekend where I felt a little better, and was able to make the long drive to go to my granddaughter's 7th birthday party.

The following Monday I was running fever in the evening. By Wednesday, my face was swollen and painful around my eyes and cheeks, so I went back to the doctor; the third trip to the doctor in 4 weeks. Seventy-five dollars in co-pays and $125 for meds later, I am finally almost completely recovered. It was an ordeal, though, and this past Saturday in my time with the Lord He showed me something that I wanted to share. 

So hang with me, I promise all this has a point.

I have had my share of health issues over the last ten years or so. One of my challenges is a stricture in my esophagus; a tight place that has been so small that I once had an Allegra capsule stuck there for 7 hours before it finally dissolved enough to go down. It has been dilated 3 or 4 times and it's about as good as it's going to be until God heals me completely, which I know without a doubt He can and will do.

Because of this stricture, I have limitations on what I can swallow, and I have to eat slower to allow time for everything to go down. It's frustrating, but I have adjusted and learned to live with it.

When the first antibiotic did not clear up the sinus infection and bronchitis, the doctor decided I needed something stronger to wipe out the infection. Now, I can swallow capsules the size of Tylenol capsules, but the antibiotic he prescribed comes in capsules quite a bit larger than that; too large for me to swallow.

I knew what I had to do; I've taken this particular medicine before. I had to open the capsule and pour its contents into applesauce to get it down. Four times a day for 7 days I did this. Twenty-eight times to be exact. Inconvenient, but doable. 

There was one problem, though.

The contents of these capsules are extremely bitter. It was all I could do to swallow it in a couple of tablespoons of applesauce, after which I drank a lot of water. It was horrible! I almost cried at first with the realization that I had to do this 4 times a day for a week. I started praying before each pill for God to help me. I quoted out loud, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." After a few days I started feeling better; the medicine was doing its job.

So Saturday morning I was reflecting about how God had been there each time and helped me endure the bitterness and He showed me something. This was a physical healing which required taking a bitter pill 4 times a day, but it applies to other healing as well.

In ALL things I need God, and He helps me through each "bitter pill" experience I go through. When He has told me specifically what path I needed to be on for emotional healing, at times it was so hard to follow through and I wanted to give up. Sometimes I did, and I would end up an emotional wreck again. I would go back to God and ask for healing and deliverance. Each time He was patient and kind and gently guided me back to the path I needed to be on for my healing.

Just like the strong, bitter medicine worked and cured the sinus infection when I took it as prescribed, God has delivered me from many different levels of emotional and spiritual bondage over the years. Each time I had to follow through and do what He had shown me I needed to do to be delivered.

On the other side of taking the 28 antibiotic capsules, I found that the bitter medicine had done its job and I was cured.

The same has been true spiritually. On the other side of the valleys I have gone through, I have found that I was healed after what had seemed like an impossible journey, full of bitter experiences.

I have heard testimonies of people who were immediately healed of all kinds of bondage; they laid down drugs and never craved them again, or they were instantly healed of depression.

For whatever reason, it hasn't worked that way for me. God has delivered me from depression, suicide attempts, and extreme emotional neediness, but for the most part I walked all of those deliverances out by daily following the Lord on the path He had put me on. One foot in front of the other, over and over, day after day I trudged through some hard and painful valleys. I wanted to cry, and many times I did. 

Every time I cried out to the Lord He always helped me. Every time.

And then one day I looked up and realized I was on the mountain top. I saw the sunshine instead of a dense forest of depression. I felt joy instead of sadness. I was happy and content instead of heavy-hearted and dejected. 

My chains were lying at my feet, no longer binding me.

My message is this: Do not give up. Keep on following the voice of Jesus, the Good Shepard. He will not steer you wrong and He really isn't trying to hurt you. It is all for your good and His glory.

Just as sure as 28 bitter pills healed a recurrent sinus infection, one day you'll look around and realize you are no longer in the valley. You are standing on the mountain top free!

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord--who is the Spirit--makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image." 2 Corinthians 3:17-18, NLT

To Be Free, Stand Here

I've been going through a rough time for a few months now. It seems like depression would like to come and take up residence again. It's not going to though. I finally shared this with my Sunday school class and asked for prayer.

I don't like to ask for help, especially considering where I have come from and the period of extreme neediness and insecurity I went through following my divorce and my youngest child leaving for college. Thank God I am not that person anymore. Sometimes, though, I think God allows circumstances that cause us to realize we need our brothers and sisters in Christ to pray for us. So I had to swallow my pride and ask for prayer.

This afternoon, I was looking through some older journals, seeking to encourage myself from reading about what God has done for me in the past. I came across an entry from 2007. I had forgotten all about this, which makes me glad I journal.

I'll share a bit of it here. It was written after a time of prayer where I had a word from God:

"...God showed me the pit I have been in. In the past when I have read about pits in the Bible, I have always pictured a large hole in the ground about 10 feet in diameter and just deep enough to be hard to climb out of. The pit I saw, however, was so deep I couldn’t see the bottom when I looked down. The diameter was just large enough for a person to get through, not wide like I had always pictured.  Jesus was reaching down to get my hand and help me up. However, I had climbed all the way up until I could see light at the top somehow. I wondered about this, but before I could ask He revealed to me that there were steps in the side of the pit. I had not noticed those before. I asked where those came from and He said they were the Word of God. Speaking the Word of God had given me something to stand on that was higher than where I had been before. Every time I had spoken the Word in faith believing I had climbed a little higher. It was a process. I didn’t climb from the depths of this pit overnight. I was also concerned about being in a pit again, when I clearly remember Him pulling me out of one 2 or 3 years ago. I remember because He told me then that we embark on this journey by the following steps:

He showed me that first is salvation: 'If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.'—1 John 1:9. 

Second, He told me to not be always looking back continually at what I have come out of: 'Forgetting what lies behind me and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.' Phil. 3:13

He then told me another scripture, found in Psalms: 'He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.'  Psalm 147:3

Then He reminded me that as I stood in that desert back in the summer of 2003, looking around at where He had brought me to, I saw a little ways off a mountain range. I somehow knew then that I was going to be climbing again soon. I began to see that the Christian walk is a series of mountains and valleys. As we go onward with Him, we go into times of valleys in between the mountains, but each time we end up a little higher up, a little better off, a little closer to Jesus. Unless we are willfully disobedient, we don’t plunge to the depths where we once dwelled. 

Somehow I had crossed this desert and found a way to go up, which led me through the core of the mountain to the bottom of a very narrow, dark pit. This is the pit that I had found myself nearly to the top of. Jesus had been with me every step of the way, encouraging me to “speak the Word.” He could have pulled me out at any time, but He knew that by my speaking the Word of God, I would be transformed on the inside. I am being changed on the inside as I go, because the Word gets inside and does the work. How marvelous!"

Prior to this writing ten years ago, according to my journal, I had been confused and had felt “dead” inside for a couple of years. 

I say "according to my journal" because I honestly don't remember!  God has completely transformed me and I am no longer "living there," praise the Lord! THIS is why I journal; because God showed me in 1994 that I would be a writer. He put in me a desire to journal, knowing I would I have to have those "notes" from the past to encourage others. 

I had no idea in 1994 how or where I would write. Sometimes we can't see very far ahead. We just have to trust that He knows what He is talking about.

For years I hid God's Word away in my heart by posting little notes all over my apartment: on the bathroom mirror, above the kitchen sink, on the wall by my bed. I would see those scriptures daily and say them out loud when times got tough. Doing this is how I got through to where I am now: delivered from a host of things including depression and I'm NOT going back there!

The Word that I spoke in those dark times has brought me so much farther than I could have imagined! The tears I cried did their work in softening my heart to enable me to take in more of His Word. I turned to the only place I knew to go when my heart was broken, or when I was afraid, or when I was alone; the Bible. 

God used the dark night of the soul back then to cause me to get into His Word more, because He knew it is LIFE. He knew it would be the source of getting me to the next level.

He also knew I would need to be encouraged TODAY and would be able to read what He has done in my life and how far I've come. 

He knew I would STAND on His Word and be FREE! 

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

What Really Matters

As I have mentioned on here before, I've been de-cluttering and minimizing the stuff I have been holding on to. One time it may be sorting through a box of pictures; another time it might be as simple as cleaning out my sock drawer. This past Saturday, though, the organizing project was one I had been putting off because I dreaded it, but I really felt like it was the day for it.

These were boxes of memorabilia from my life before the divorce, going all the way back to childhood; boxes I had tried to go through unsuccessfully about 5 years ago. I was in a precarious place emotionally back then, due to emotional baggage that I had never dealt with. I just wasn't healed enough yet. Some of my parents' stuff was in those boxes, and even though my mother had been gone 15 years and my dad almost 30 years at that time, I wasn't prepared to face it. I hastily packed it all back up and stashed in the back of the closet, far out of sight and hopefully, out of mind.

By doing this I pushed the pain down into a corner of my heart, so to speak. It was out of sight and mind, but it was affecting me much more than I realized. I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I have learned from experience that raw emotions and hurts that are not brought to the Lord will eventually infect every part of the soul. Depression fueled by rejection, shame, and feelings of worthlessness was just beneath the surface all the time.

Thankfully, later  that year God miraculously set me free from that darkness and pain in my heart and I am forever changed. Still, I was a little hesitant to open those boxes, much less throw away or donate some of it. I knew it was time, though.

So I opened the closet and pulled those boxes out. There were the childhood memories, such as my Girl Scout sash and pins, various pictures and clippings from my childhood; and even some 45 records. There were mementos that represented my parents' lives. The items so painful to see that I had pushed them out of my sight for 5 years. Pathetic, I know, but this is what the enemy specializes in. Remember, he comes to "steal, kill, and destroy." He tried to destroy me but he was not successful, praise the Lord!

I'm not sure what I expected to feel upon seeing my mom and dad's treasured items again. One would probably expect to cry, or feel extreme sadness, but something very different happened. I felt joy. I felt relief. There was a release from the past and the hold it had over me. I was surprised but happy to finally be able to face the past; to hold in my hands mementos like a tiny American flag pin that my mother liked to wear on patriotic holidays. 

Looking through the boxes I found it difficult to believe that I had actually been afraid of this. It seemed silly to me that I would find it painful to see and hold these things again. I have now realized all these years later that I didn't lose my parents. I know where they are, and I know I will see them again one day. It was hard to accept back then, though, and I obsessed for way too long over the fact that I was the only survivor of my immediate family I grew up in. 

The rationale of the preceding paragraph is from the perspective of a delivered, free believer. Jesus has broken the chains I once dragged around. The reason I can see it so clearly now is because of the redeeming work that Christ has done in my heart. 

There is no way I could have ever untangled the mess that my life was in. One of the pictures I have attached is of several pieces of jewelry that were hopelessly knotted together. I tried for over half an hour to salvage the wooden cross necklace, the one piece in all that mess I really wanted to keep. Then it hit me that this was a perfect analogy of the cross. Only Jesus can set us free. When it's all said and done, only the cross of Christ matters. Because of the cross I am free!

I found it so ironic that same items that the Lord had given me the grace to box up in 1996 all by myself I was now going through again all by myself. It had caused me so much grief and pain for so many years. Just like He always does, though, He gave me the grace and ability to go through those boxes and throw away or put in the box to donate what I didn't need anymore. As a bonus (or maybe it was the whole reason all along?) I got a lesson in what really matters.

He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed. 1 Peter 2:24 NLT

Cast Your Cares

Have you ever had your heart broken, your spirit crushed? Have you felt like you were rejected, damaged, and broken beyond repair? I'm sure most of you have at some time or another had some heartbreak. Pain is a reminder that we live in a fallen world. None of us is exempt, but Jesus has the cure for the pain.

 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7 NLT

I'm not proud of the broken life I used to live, but God is using what the enemy meant for evil to do good. I am sometimes led to share some of it.

During prayer recently I was reminded of a time many years ago in my life when I was in one of those very painful places. Life had dealt me a series of hard blows, leaving me as a broken, damaged version of who God had created me to be. My heart had been broken into a million pieces and I was crushed emotionally. God has done a miraculous work in my life and I am completely healed from all that emotional damage, praise the Lord! But I'm feeling drawn to write about it, so here I am. 

I was a mess, but because of the Lord's redeeming love He has delivered me and set me free so well that before I could write this blog I literally had to look it up in my journal because I couldn't remember the details. Thank GOD I can't remember it! This is a testimony of His awesome, redeeming power and love. 

My journals are written in many volumes, spanning the last 22 years since my walk with Jesus began in 1994. They record the details of the journey and I feel strongly that I am supposed to keep them so others can benefit from hearing about what God has done for me. I don't live there anymore, though, and seldom go back into those darker volumes unless I feel led to do so. God gives me grace to read portions without being negatively affected, but He also gives me the sense to leave the past in the past.

Because of my fragile and broken emotions, I was easily hurt over small things. But if something substantial came along that was bad enough to knock even an emotionally stable person down, it was devastating to me. This is about one of those times where an incident hurt me very badly.

After the incident I was to the point emotionally that I had actually become sick physically. I couldn’t eat. For days, I had no appetite.  I ate next to nothing, only then because I felt like the Lord told me to eat.  So I did, but almost got sick. Grief consumed me.  I was functioning a little, sort of on “auto-pilot;” but I wanted to die. I cried out to the Lord repeatedly to help me, because I knew He was my only hope. 

Then one morning during my prayer time something happened. Looking back, I know it was the Lord. Suddenly, for about a ½ second, there was a brightness (I had my eyes closed, but it felt like a light was directed toward me).  Then, I felt the presence of Jesus.  First, His hands were on my head, and then He touched my heart.  For just an instant, it was heavy, like a weight was on it.  I had a cramping sensation in my stomach, like a resistance.  Then it was just GONE. The grief, pain—ALL GONE!!!  My heart was light.  I remember Him saying as He touched me, “you can’t bear this, so I am taking it.”  He took my pain!!!

I have never been the same since that day. I still had some emotional stuff to work through, but the incident that had caused me so much grief and heartache in that particular situation has never bothered me again. I have completely forgiven those who hurt me. I am completely free of the pain.  I don't think about it. I don't worry about it. Its power to hurt me has been neutralized.

If you identify with this at all and are having a struggle emotionally, take heart. You are not alone, and you aren't the only one who has ever felt the stinging pain that is so prevalent in our broken world. Do not believe the lies that the devil is telling you that you are too much a mess, that you are unlovable, or you have passed the point of being able to be redeemed by God. The devil is a LIAR.

God will do for you what He did for me. You have His Word on it.

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken. Psalm 55:22 NIV

22