My Testimony

I recently became aware that I don't really have my testimony on here.  I thought I did.  I've been very selective as I pull entries from my actual journal (which I have all typed into a word document...yes, I'm a little ocd, ok?).  Anyway, here goes with the testimony.

I was raised in church.  I did all the "churchy" stuff; I went to Sunday school, attended Vacation Bible School every summer, and went to youth camp as a teenager.  I knew exactly how to "do church."  After many years of going through the motions, I convinced myself I was a Christian. I can remember trying really hard to please everyone and do the right stuff so they would all be happy.  I never felt I measured up; and I was right.  I was trying to bridge the gap between God and me by being good enough, and that just isn't possible.  I was lost.

I won't elaborate on the many years I went on like this, but basically, it went on for years.  I married at the tender age of 18 and had all three of our wonderful kids by the time I was 27.  We tried to stay in church, but it was very hard, and I know I was unsaved, which was part of the problem.  Looking back, I'd venture a guess that my husband was, too. Because of my upbringing, I knew that our kids needed to be in church.  I was drawn there, and I know now it was the Holy Spirit convicting me and drawing me to Christ.  Eventually though, by the time the oldest was a teenager, we had pretty much stopped going. Great timing to drop out of church just about the time the kids reach their teens.

In 1993, my 13-year-old daughter was invited to Disciple Now, a youth retreat held over a weekend, at a local church.  As a result of this, she was saved and I started going with her to that church.  My life didn't change immediately, though.  Even though I was finally in church, I was still walking in darkness in my heart.  I had been depressed for a long time and was very unhappy. I know now that satan had built a stronghold of depression and fear in my heart.   I had deluded myself into thinking that I was ok.  I justified every sinful and selfish thing I did.  I was never "out there;" into drugs or alcohol, but I might have seen my sinfulness if I had been.  Instead, I didn't realize I needed saving.  After all, I had been raised in church;  I had a Godly heritage.  In addition to this, my marriage was in deep trouble; my husband and I barely spoke. I stayed heartbroken over the situation most of the time; one of the reasons I was so depressed.

It all came crashing down on October 31, 1994. That particular morning, I had come home at daybreak after working all night at Walmart.  In those days, department managers reset the counters for the next season after the store closed at 9:00.  I had to reset my department for Christmas since it was Halloween.  I tried to sleep after my husband left for work and the kids went to school, but even with black trash bags over the windows it was hard to sleep.  I was so convicted about my life and how I had been living, going through the motions of Christianity but not actually willing to turn control over to God.  In short, I was miserable. I slept 3 or 4 hours and finally got up about noon.

I went into the living room and just fell down on the floor. Something broke in me and I just started crying out to God.  I had made a complete mess of my life trying to be in charge, and I finally saw my need for a Savior. The Word I had been hearing at the church I had been attending for a year did not return void, but was at work in me all that time.  I saw the truth at last, and I was so ashamed that I had rejected Jesus' sacrifice all those years.  So many wasted years!  I asked Him to forgive me and I received Jesus as my Savior right then and there.  I laid there crying for close to an hour I guess, brokenhearted.  As I later journaled:

"October 31, 1994:  This was the day that I laid the broken pieces of my life at the feet of Jesus. He was so real to me that day, alone in my house, that I could almost see Him standing in my living room. Having been in pain emotionally for a number of years, I asked Him to fill my heart with His love, because I felt no one really loved me. I asked Him to fill my cup, as I lifted it to Him, until it overflowed with His love. I asked for Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit and use me somehow in His work.  The results continue to amaze me...God has allowed my pain & hurt, BUT—now I listen to Him. I probably wouldn’t have if I had lived the “perfect life” I wanted.  He is molding me so He can use me..."

I would love to tell you that everything was rosy and perfect in my life after that, but it wasn't.  I did have the peace of God finally, and by His grace I got through some very dark days in the next few years.  My brother died suddenly in Dec.1995, my mother died three months after him, and in 1997, my marriage ended in spite of my best efforts.  I can see now that only because I was trusting in Jesus could I have survived those days; His grace truly was--and IS--sufficient for me. 

I have never been the same...thank God!