Showers of Answered Prayers

I hadn't intended to post again this Monday; I didn't want to give the idea that I was posting weekly and lose my readers if I didn't keep posting on a schedule. I also don't want to bore people, so I don't write just to be writing. When I write, it's because I have something to say and I am excited to say it.

With that said; boy, did I have an exciting Monday morning!

I went to the college to take my walk as usual. It was about 9 am when I got to the campus, which is a little later than I would have liked. I didn't sleep so well when I first went to bed last night, so I slept in a little this morning. 

It was overcast but the radar did not show any rain in the area, so I started my walk. It was a pleasant, cool 72 degrees and I was having such a great morning walk. I decided to walk the shorter, more level path since I was already running a little later than I wanted. I walked until my watch showed I was at the .77 of a mile point and I turned around. 

Just as my watch buzzed and showed that I had walked a mile, I started feeling some raindrops. Realizing suddenly that it was about to rain, I quickened my pace. I still had a 1/2 mile to go! Soon, there were more and more raindrops. I looked for where I could go, but there is no shelter of any kind on that trail. Within 2 minutes or so, it was pouring. It was as if the sky had come unzipped and the rain was all coming down. I was getting drenched but had no choice but to keep walking. 

By the time I got back to my car, I did not have a dry thread on me and my hair was sopping wet. I got in my car, dripping, and went to get my Monday latte in spite of my very wet, squishy shoes. I needed my weekly coffee!

It all turned out fine; Of course I didn't melt (haha!) or get sick from being soaked to the skin. It was quite funny actually. I thanked God for the rain that I had been praying for. I tend to think maybe He smiled, or maybe even laughed and shook His head at me for not being prepared for His answer.

This scenario could have been avoided had I carried an umbrella with me on my walk. I had, after all, been praying for rain. Why didn't I have the faith to be prepared for God to answer my prayer during my walk? A good friend of mine says we should carry an umbrella when we are praying for rain, and she's right. 

Anyway, I thought you would call get a chuckle out of my little ordeal. I've posted some pictures, though not really good ones. It was pouring and I was trying to walk really fast. I'm sure I was very comical sight!

Be blessed, my friends, and find your umbrella! I'm still praying for more rain because we really need it. 

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. Matt. 21.22 NIV

From the Porch: Why is the Tree There?

Rain kept me inside all last week, but I've been able to get to the porch

for my morning coffee and prayer time for most of this week. Sitting out there, I noticed something.

All the other condos in my neighborhood have very similar landscaping. We all have hedges by the front entrance and some other shrubs that are almost cookie-cutter identical. 

My front area, however, has a cedar tree by the driveway instead of a round shrub. As I sat there a few mornings ago, I was pondering why this is. 

I'm not a fan of bright sunlit rooms in my house. I know that's not typical. I like more of a warm, softly lit vibe. Bright sun hurts my eyes; I'm just very sensitive to bright sunlight. I almost always wear sunglasses on the rare occasion that I am outside on a bright day.

This cedar tree shades my living room perfectly. From afternoon through early evening in the warmer months, the sun hits my house increasingly toward the southwest as the summer wears on. Together with the window treatments and mini-blinds, my living room has a bearable level of afternoon sunlight, filtered so well by the tree.

Some would say I was lucky to get the house with the tree when I was looking for a place to rent. I feel like it's more than that, though. I think God had this place in mind for me long ago, when the tree was just a sapling. 

Laugh if you think it silly. I don't mind. I'm sure lots of people laugh when they read my blog. I'm not sharing content that I think will draw people in. I'm just sharing my heart. I know my God orders my steps. Why wouldn't He give me a tree to shade me from the harsh late afternoon sun? 

One more thing. It's a cedar tree; an evergreen. It's green year round, just like God's love is everlasting. 

I'm counting it as one of my blessings. I thank God for the tree that gives me shade.

Be blessed, my friends!

 "I will exalt You, my God, the King,
And I will bless Your name forever and ever.
2 Every day I will bless You,
And I will praise Your name forever and ever.
3 Great is the Lord, and highly to be praised;
And His greatness is unsearchable." Psalm 145:1-3 NASB

Late Summer Post from the Patio

I haven't been sitting on my patio for a while now. As you may recall if you've read my blog posts often, my east-facing backyard patio is too bright and usually too hot by the time I'm up and have taken my meds and made my coffee. 

Most days, I'm up by 8:00 or so (retirement perk!), but since the sun gets up much earlier than that, I end up taking my coffee to my recliner, which is in front of my west-facing living room window. This is a nice place to have my coffee and quiet time. My bird feeder is outside this window, so it's "somewhat" like being outside. 

Nothing really replaces the cool morning breeze and the sounds of nature waking up, though. For that, I have to actually go outside.

This morning, I woke up about 7:30, and managed to get myself up out of bed within a few minutes. I took my medications and fixed my coffee, then outside I went! By the time I opened the backdoor, about 8:10, the sun had topped the trees, at least from my perspective on the back porch. Seven steps down to the patio, however, and the sun was still behind the trees a bit. 

I sat down, after I reopened the patio umbrella. We've been having lots of thunderstorms with high winds in the past few weeks, so I have just left the umbrella closed to protect it.

I was only able to sit out there for 15 minutes or so, because even though it was still a cool 65 degrees out, the sun was blaring down on my patio too much for me.

One thing I got from this morning that I felt was worth sharing was that of perspective. If I had judged whether or not I could have my coffee and prayer time on the patio based on the conditions on the porch, I would have turned around and gone back inside. But five feet can make a difference. Once I was on the lower ground of the patio, it was still shady from the trees behind my house. 

It may seem silly, but I was so glad to have a short time on the patio. It was like a preview of the cooler weather that is to come. I am looking forward to the cool mornings that come with later sunrises. Fall and winter are my favorites for this reason. I love the mornings that I need a sweater to sit out there.

From this morning's reading:

"The Lord sustains all who fall and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food in due time. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing." Psalm 145:14-16.

Be blessed my friends! 

What I Read in February 2022

February has come and gone. Since it's only 28 days 3/4 of the time, it doesn't take long. I'm always sad to see February go; the last remnants of cold weather (which I love!) are usually gone by the time March shows up in the southern state I live in.

I'm not totally moving away from encouraging posts, but I'm trying something new. Once a month I will be posting what I read in the previous month. If you like to read, maybe you'll get some ideas of what to read next from my meager little list. If you find this helpful, comment on my Facebook or Twitter posting of this blog and let me know what you are reading. I'm always looking for recommendations. 

And now, let's get to it:

I did get a lot of reading done in February with all the ice and snow we got this year. Following is the list of what I completed during the month. Note: I am not very practiced at reviewing books or movies. I hope to hone this skill, but for now, my assessments will be sparse.

Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie. I had never read any of her works, and I decided it was high time. I really enjoyed it and will be reading more of her books and more from this genre in general. I've found I like mysteries. (I should have known I would since I love the British TV show Father Brown.) After I had read the book, I watched an older version of the movie that I found on a streaming channel for free. It followed the book very well and was nicely done I thought. There is a more recent version that I may watch eventually, but it was about $5 and I was looking for free.

When We Believed in Mermaids by Barbara O'Neal. This came highly recommended by a fiction book club I follow on Facebook. I was not disappointed. It was not at all hard to get into and held my interest the entire time. It was a great read; it was both compelling and heartwarming.

The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett. This was a delightful book I listened to on a trip "back home" to attend a funeral a couple of weeks ago. I've wanted to read something by him for a while, and my younger son recommended this one to start. It was so good! It's actually a children's book, and there are 4 or 5 of them in the Tiffany Aching series of his books. It's fantasy, so if you like that genre give it a try. It's a pretty fast read. I will be reading the rest of this series and will move on to more of his books. His writing style is captivating.

Fly Away by Kristin Hannah. This is the sequel to Firefly Lane by Hannah. I found it a little hard to get into; it's very dark and depressing at first. If you stick with it, though, you will be rewarded. By the time I was halfway through I had trouble finding a stopping place. It is a very good book, full of the character development, in-depth looks at real life, and all the little details I've come to expect from this author. 

Those are the four books I finished during February. I have also been reading Max Lucado's 3:16, one chapter (sometimes 2) at a time as part of my morning Bible and devotional time. I'll include it as part of March books, because I will finish it within the next week or so. 

I didn't think I could read more than one book at a time until I remembered my years in college. Since I was an English major, there was often lots of reading for multiple classes. I did it then, and I can do it now. It's really no different, except now I'm reading whatever I want to.

During an emotionally low part of my journey a number of years ago, I found I needed to read for pleasure again. A part of my soul was in need of a different type of reading, somewhat like one might watch a movie to relax and forget troubles for a bit. Some might say it's escapism, and they would be right. I need some of that in my life. Books take me to faraway lands and let me have experiences I would never have otherwise. But I digress. I do not need to defend my choice to read.

As I have grown older, however, I will admit I have learned to pace myself. When I was younger, I did not know how to "reign it in," so to speak. It was all or nothing; I either read non-stop or didn't read at all. I also didn't read the variety of books I've come to enjoy in the last fifteen years or so. I think college reading gave me a taste of better reading material. It broadened my horizons and whet my appetite for different genres than I had read before. 

So with that said, I'm reading again, but it's only a small facet of my wonderful retirement days. There's so much I enjoy doing! I'm working on photo organization, decorating my new home, watching YouTube for decorating and minimalism encouragement, and in the near future, I will be converting VHS tapes to digital. I'm a busy lady! I don't know how I had time to work before! LOL!

Reading brings me joy! I find myself happier, more content, and more inclined to be joyful and want to pass on that joy to others when I've spent an hour or so a day reading.

I don't like to close without leaving you with some word of encouragement, so I always try to end with a scripture. I found this passage in Psalm 63 to be encouraging.

"So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips." Psalm 63:4-5 NASB

Until next time, be blessed! I love you, my friends! 

Are You Up for the Task?

Thanksgiving day.  Many of us pause and reflect on our lives and consider how blessed we are and what we are thankful for.  We did this at our family dinner today. I told everyone I'm thankful for retirement and for family being 15 minutes away, instead of 3 1/2 hours.

I didn't lie; this is true. After deeper reflection this evening, however, I have found more to be thankful for. Please bear with me while I share a story with you.

For most of my life through 26 years ago, I was not really an organized person. I struggled all through the years my children were growing up, barely keeping up with everything, and most of the time I felt very inadequate. Because of my own upbringing, I had extremely low self-esteem. I compared myself with everyone I knew, before there was social media, which causes a lot of us to feel like we come up short these days if we let it.  I don't think I would have done as well as I did if I'd had immediate access to everything we have today. My fragile self-image would have shattered.

Also, a very important bit of info to note is that, though I grew up in church I did not accept Jesus as my Savior until I was 39. My children were teenagers by then. 

By the grace of God, I started a new job at the beginning of the school year in 1995, and I had a decent job at last. 

So in February of 1996, just a little over a year after I accepted Christ, the situation was this: my children were teens and one was actually already in college. My marriage was barely hanging on by a thread, but I had a steady, decently paying job, which in hindsight I see now was a gift from God, and an integral part of His plan for me.

And then, on February 28, my mother suddenly died. It was devastating, but for now I'm going to focus on something very practical regarding the whole situation. It was also a very emotional time of course, but this is where the miracle comes in.

Suddenly, I had all the arrangements to make for her funeral and for going through all her possessions. All this was up to me because just 3 months before, my only brother had also died suddenly. It was all up to me.

After the funeral I had three weeks to get her apartment cleaned out and the key turned in.

I remember sitting there, alone in that apartment, and praying for God to help me. I had no idea what to do or where to start. I was a 41-year-old mother of three and had very poor organizational skills. I was not prepared nor equipped for what lay ahead of me. However, I am certain that what happened after that prayer was a God thing. I believe that after that prayer, He gave me the ability and enabled me to do what I needed to do.

The answer came in several stages. I know now that all of this was God directing me, even though it just came to me as an idea. First, it occurred to me to start at the door of the room I was in and consider each thing, one at a time as I worked. I felt like I should go around the room and tackle each thing. I simply obeyed God's leading and did exactly that. I may have been in shock; I don't remember many other details about that time of my life. This was probably for the best, because I needed to set emotions aside and work on the task at hand.

Sometimes extreme adversity that seems like it will break us is exactly what God uses to equip us for what He has planned for us.  

Every day for 3 weeks I worked all day at my job and then went to my mother's apartment to work on going through her stuff. At one point, as I started to encounter a LOT of pictures everywhere (my dad had been a photographer, so there were tons of them), the thought came to me that I should get three large plastic containers and sort the pictures into them by approximate time periods: 1) very old pictures, 2) pictures of my childhood era, and 3) pictures that were more current. 

The only explanation for how I was able to accomplish this is it was a miracle. I feel like God put the organizational skill into me that I needed to complete the task at hand. I went through all her stuff, sorting and organizing as if I were a professional organizer. I suddenly just knew how to proceed when faced with a house full of my mother's personal belongings. I had never been able to do that before in my life! But I was doing it, AND I was able to do it without crumbling into a million pieces emotionally.

That is a miracle, in my opinion.

I rented a storage building and put her furniture and the things I had boxed up into it, with plans to have a garage sale in the spring when it warmed up. I know I had to have had help to move all that furniture, but I have no memory of that at all. None.

Two months later, in April 1996, an F3 tornado ripped through our town and tore the roof partly off the storage building where all my mother's stuff was. When we were finally allowed in, I found most of it ruined, but the photos were unharmed because I had felt strongly that the pictures should be in waterproof containers.

This is no coincidence. It was GOD. He is the only possible explanation of how I could do what I did.

As far as the furniture went, I just had to consider most of it a loss. I was so thankful that I had put the pictures and sentimental items into plastic containers.

I told this story to encourage someone today. I have really felt strongly for several days that I had to share this story of how I became organized, a life skill that has served me well ever since that emergency time that I was facing a mountain with no way to move it. I believe God gave me the ability. I was a mess back then, and yet God worked a miracle to equip me for what He knew I would have to do. To this very day, I am still extremely organized. 

I am SO thankful for what He did for me during that very hard, stressful time in my life all those years ago.

I didn't really want to share this, it seemed silly to me that anyone would be interested, but the feeling that I had to was strong, so I did.

Someone reading this needs to know that God is willing and waiting to help if you will only ask. There may be a mountain in front of you, but He will show you what needs to be done and equip you for the task, whatever it is. It doesn't have to be the same type of help He gave me. It may be something completely different, but you feel you aren't up for the task. You can't do it unless He equips you.

He did it for me 26 years ago, and He will do it for you.  You are not alone. He is right beside you.

God is our refuge and strength, A very ready help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

6:18 am

Yes. Contrary to popular belief, 6:18 am does exist. I just don't usually see it anymore because I haven't been setting an alarm. Since the middle of March, I've been working from home. My normal body clock, when left to its own devices, wakes me up around 7:30 or 8:00 am. 

Let me back up a bit, though. I'm getting ahead of myself. 

I had called my doctor's office to refill a prescription last Friday afternoon, not realizing that they left at noon on Friday these days. The receptionist took my message and said she would have the nurse call me Monday if she needed to talk to me. I reminded her to please change the pharmacy in my file to [chain drug store], because they have a drive through and I'm trying to stay out of [chain big box store] these days. She said ok.

Yesterday afternoon around 5:30, I got a text message from [big box store pharmacy] saying my prescription was ready. 

Seriously?!

That was my reaction. I was so upset with my doctor's office for ignoring my request to change pharmacies. I have nothing against the one they usually send my prescriptions to, but as I said before, I'm trying to stay out of stores these days.

[Heavy sigh]

So, I decided I would get up as early as I could without setting an alarm (because it's sometimes 2 am before I can get to sleep lately). I reasoned that even by 8:30 or so, it's still not going to be as crowded as it would in late afternoon, when the text came in.

Lying in bed last night, I asked God to wake me up early so I could get to the store before a lot of people were there, confident that He would if it was necessary. Laugh if you want, but He has done this for me before.

You see, in 1998, before smartphones that can be used as an alarm clock even existed, He woke me up at 6am because I asked Him to. True story. I was on a rare vacation in North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I had no way to get up early enough to walk on the beach at sunrise, something I desperately wanted to do.

(You can read the blogpost on this blogspot entitled The Tide is Coming In from March 26, 2010. Look over to the right for a list of blog posts from years past).

So when I woke up at 6:18 am this morning, somewhat wide awake, I knew He had answered my prayer and caused me to wake up. I had to get up quickly before I drifted back to sleep and get to the store while it was still only Senior citizens allowed in. I jumped up, dressed, and threw on a ball cap. No time for makeup or hair.

At 6:45 am, I strolled into the store. They didn't card me, which was mildly upsetting. I mean, no one wants to admit they are over 60. I didn't want them to believe me, but they waved me on. Oh well.

No one was in line at the pharmacy. Amazing. I got my prescription, and decided to look around a little to see if some items I have not been able to find could be found. 

Score! I found hand sanitizer, disinfectant wipes, rubbing alcohol, and Lysol! 

God not only woke me up in time to get my prescription, He allowed me to find and purchase the things He knew I needed and had not been able to locate anywhere.

But here's the best part:  When I got back home, I had my prayer time and this is part of the entry for today in the devotional I'm reading out of right now:

 "Come to Me for all you need...there is nothing you need that I cannot provide."

Sometimes, we think we know how to take care of ourselves. I tried, by asking for my prescription to be sent to a drug store with a drive through.

Nothing wrong with that; I believe God gives us wisdom to do things to take care of ourselves. I was doing what I thought was best.

But God had a better plan.

I would have missed a blessing if I had simply gone to the drive through pharmacy. Because I went inside at the big store I was trying to avoid, I was able to find the hidden treasures God wanted to give me--and you know as well as I that in today's world, they are "treasures."

My God is an amazing God! He is my Provider!  

Thank you Father, for always providing my needs. Thank you for always knowing what's best for me and for guiding my steps. You alone know what I need and you never cease to amaze me at how you provide it for me.

You are an Awesome God! 

 

Walk by the Spirit

I've tried to write this testimony so many times, but I could never get the right words to explain it. I think this time I may have succeeded. It must be God's timing.

Many years ago, before I had placed my faith in Jesus as my Savior, I did not know my worth. I grew up in church but did not have a relationship with Jesus. I never even heard of the concept of having a relationship with Jesus until was in my late thirties.

Later, after I had placed my faith in Jesus, I was still very insecure. The challenges I faced as a divorcee with a teenage son in high school were plentiful. The enemy threw everything he could at me to discourage me and he was successful for a lot of years. A whole lot of years.

I didn't know it then, but after the divorce I thought I had lost my identity; I was no longer a wife, so that was not who I was. My mom and dad had passed away so I was no longer a daughter. My brother had passed away, so I was no longer a sister.  My older two children were in college and I perceived erroneously that they no longer needed me, so I had a somewhat emptier nest. Bless his heart, my youngest son bore the brunt of my depression and despair in those early, dark days. He was and still is a good listener and has wisdom beyond his years. I leaned on him a lot, even though looking back, I cringe thinking about what the whole situation did to him.

So I had my son, and a couple of friends who were wonderful, but they weren't supposed to bear the weight of my broken heart. That belonged to Jesus, but I didn't come to that realization for many years; many agonizing, painful years.

As I have mentioned on here before, my need for affirmation, along with the need to know my identity, caused my anguish and desolation to consume me.

I had to belong to someone, somewhere. I had to! Not even in a romantic setting; I just wanted to be part of a family. I tried to belong by taking matters in my own hands.  I left a good, Bible-believing church on a quest for "where I belonged."

All the time, I already belonged to Jesus, and my worth was in Him, but I had not been a Christian for very long, and the divorce derailed my discipleship somewhat. So I didn't know.

I wandered for two years looking for where I belonged. During this time, my friends that I had leaned on so much moved away from my area. Shortly after that, my youngest went away to college.

And the bottom fell out of my world.

In a odd twist of events, shortly before my son went off to college, I had landed in the church where I have now been a member for nearly 20 years. I was not home free, though. I knew I belonged in that church; God confirmed that to me when I walked in the door the first time. However, I still had the gnawing neediness that left me feeling empty and unwanted.

Oh man, it is so humiliating to admit all this! I wouldn't do it if I didn't KNOW I'm supposed to. Someone needs to hear this; to know there is hope for them. I know this is true. I have been stuck, unable to write for months because I didn't know how to say this. Ever balk at something God told you to do? You can't pick and choose what He tells you to do. Feeling stuck? Go back to the last thing He said. Do the thing He put in your heart and get unstuck.

So, here we are. Now I have to do this; it has to be said. It's a fire within me tonight.

So here goes.

I know in the early days of my divorced state I drove people crazy; I would hang around on the edges of groups of new friends I had made. I wanted to be wanted. I hoped and prayed for them to see me and talk to me. If they liked me, I would matter (I subconsciously told myself). I hoped they would invite me to go to lunch after church. I wanted to belong. I had to fill the cavernous emptiness in me.

I was trying to make something happen, instead of trusting God to let it happen --IF it was supposed to--in His timing. Someone very dear to me kept telling me to not force things, just "let it happen," but it was lost on me. I didn't get it.

This went on for way too long. I went to prayer meetings, I stood in lines to be prayed for, and I told all my problems to a few friends I had become close to. I did get some better, but it wasn't until I hit rock bottom about eight years ago that things really started to change.

I was already on anti-depressants, but serotonin levels in my brain are only one factor in the depression I was dealing with. I had serious, deep-seated issues that I had to deal with to be free.

A couple of things happened to help me to find deliverance. First, I went through a Divorce Care class. It was years after the divorce, but it brought a bunch of stuff to the surface that I never even knew was there.

Second, I got some professional counseling. I met on a regular basis with a married couple who were Christian counselors. They knew the right questions to ask me, and most importantly, they knew how to pray. We met, talked, and prayed together for several months. God used them to guide me to deliverance from the junk that had made me so needy and desperate. He used them to show me that I was already free; Jesus had set me free when He died for me on the cross. I came to realize I was sitting in a prison cell, so to speak, but the door was unlocked and the chains I was wearing were just hanging on my wrists, unfastened.

In time, I got up and the chains of depression, despair, and abandonment, as well as many others, dropped off because I was no longer bound. I walked out of that prison FREE, knowing that my worth is in Christ Jesus. I am His and He provides my every need.

It wasn't until that counseling that my eyes were opened to the fact that I was trying to make things happen that I felt like I needed. Just like my friend had been saying. In time I learned to listen to the Holy Spirit; to discern if I was wanting something He either knew wasn't needed or it was just not the right time.

If you struggling with knowing your worth or trying to belong, or any kind of bondage, take heart. If you have placed your faith in Jesus as your Savior, you are His. You belong to Him.  He loves you more than you can fathom.

He will lead you out of the darkness if you will just quiet yourself and listen to Him. Be blessed, my friend!

If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Galatians 5:25 NASB

Back to Factory Settings

My soul has been disquieted with much turmoil within over the last year and a half or so. I really did not know what was going on for a long time. I felt like I had no purpose anymore. Finally, it has begun to come into focus for me. God has been cleaning out my heart, removing idols and tearing down the high places.

There has been a lot of closet cleaning so to speak. God has a way of finding things hidden away in my heart that I didn't know or remember were there. Broken dreams and a shattered future are among the things He dug out, things I had already given to Him...or thought I had.

According to what God's Word says about me, I am worth more than I had come to believe over the last couple of years. He says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

All along I have felt like my future was destroyed many years ago when the marriage broke up. It has come to my attention that even if the future I thought I wanted and needed was shattered, God still has one for me. He did not give up on me even though I felt like I was no good, of no use to anyone many times. None of this took Him by surprise.

The words "factory settings" came to me recently when I was meditating on God's word and what He has for me. I did a word search on "back to factory settings." Turns out it means the item (or person in this case) is made as good as new.

As if I was never damaged.

As if I had never been enticed away from my true calling to languish in a perception that I needed something or someone I didn't have.

As if I had never thrown caution to the wind and set aside my purpose, to follow a purpose I thought I saw....just beyond the mist...just out of my reach.

I have been looking through a distorted lens; seeing things as if in a carnival fun house mirror. I wasn't seeing truth; I was believing a lie.

Jesus has shown me that He has picked me up...again...and set me on the right path.

He is even now in the process of restoring my soul "back to factory settings." This process has been painful at times. My heart has once again been broken beyond repair by anyone but the One who built it.

Fortunately for me, I know the the One who made me very well. I am confident of this, that "He who began a good work in (me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6.

Praise the Lord!

 

God's Timing

One of my absolute favorite Christmas albums is by Mannheim Steamroller. On this particular album, there is a medieval sounding tune called "Fum, Fum, Fum." I know it's silly, but I love this! Anytime I hear it throughout the season it instantly lifts my mood and brightens my day.

On the last Monday to work before Christmas break, I was dreading the day. We were having semester tests at school and it's always a busy and stressful time in the office. That particular morning, though, as I got in my car to head to work, that favorite little Christmas tune started playing as I started the car.

Wait a minute. It was just where the CD happened to be right at that moment in

time, right? What's the big deal?

I will tell you. I do NOT believe it was an accident or coincidence. I believe it was God's timing, because He knows it's my favorite and it would instantly lift my spirits. I sat there and thanked Him before I backed out of the driveway for timing it so that song would play when I needed it so badly. He cares about even little things like a silly song that makes me happy. For some reason, I was deeply affected and suddenly very aware of God's timing. I marveled at the fact that He has every detail of our lives in His hand.

Fast forward to New Years Day. 

I've always seen it as a day of promise, of new beginnings, and writing resolutions. A day to watch the Tournament of Roses parade and eat the traditional New Year food. I usually go into a new year hopeful for improvement in some areas of my life while reflecting on what was good and bad in the previous year and thanking God for His guidance, blessings, and protection.

This year, however, I came into the year with a broken bridge. Yes, you read that right  The back tooth, the anchor of a four-tooth bridge in my mouth broke, but remained in place, before Christmas. I was able to get an appointment on December 29 to get some preliminary work done and made an appointment to get the rest done in January.

New Years Day the tooth anchoring the other end of the bridge came loose and the whole bridge fell out in my hand.

Happy New Year!

This was not exactly how I had envisioned 2018 starting out. I was at first horrified, because there was now a gap near enough to the front which revealed that I obviously had a tooth missing. My pride was severely damaged. As I gave it all to God, though, He began to reveal to me that it was not as bad as I had thought it would be when it first happened. Count your blessings and be thankful for the timing, I heard as I waited before Him.

Hmm. Blessings, you say? Let me see.

First, it was a blessing that the whole thing started in the previous year, because I still had insurance available for 2017 that would pay for 1/2 of the first part of the repair work.

Second, because part of this was paid for out of last year's insurance, there would now be enough to pay for the rest of it out of this year's.  Perfect timing.  

Timing? Honestly, if it had happened earlier in the year last year or just a little bit later, it would have been a huge financial burden, because it would be mostly out of pocket.

God's timing. 

The timing of this whole event was arranged by God. I am extremely thankful for this.

I was able to go in the next day and my dentist worked some "magic," gluing the front tooth and one connecting fake tooth back in temporarily until my appointment later in January.

So I became suddenly aware of God's timing in December, when my favorite, whimsical little Christmas tune was played just for me. This  is my word for 2018: timing. He has continued to unfold things in HIS TIME, and I am utterly amazed. I believe I will continue to see His amazing work revealed to me all year, and the timing will be perfect, because He is perfect.

Happy New Year, even though I waited until January 31st to tell you. I've been unable to get the words out until tonight, when it all came into focus for me.

I think it's the way it was supposed to be. It's in God's timing. 

My times are in Your hand; Deliver me from the hand of my enemies and from those who persecute me. Psalm. 31:15 NASB

Contentment

Contentment. In Philippians 4 Paul writes that he has learned to be content in whatever circumstances in which he finds himself. This has been an ongoing process in me for my whole Christian walk. It's like a pattern: I long for something, God shows me what He has provided instead, and I gradually accept and eventually become actually thankful for His provision.

Lately though, I have been anything but content. This may seem random, but I promise it will all be relevant. Let me explain.

Over the years He has provided housing, food, clothing, and transportation for me. I started with basically nothing and He added as the need arose.

I was scared when I first became single with one child still at home. I needed a place to feel safe; somewhere my son and I could live alone, but not alone in the sense that people were close by. God led me to an apartment, where I had good neighbors. I loved that apartment!  I lived there for 11 years.  I started to want something of my own, though, so He provided. I went from living in an apartment to buying the house I now live in. 

A few years ago, I became aware of just how much stuff I had crammed into my little 900 square foot house. I thought I must need a bigger house, and asked God to provide. But He did something surprising: He opened my eyes to minimalizing.

He showed me that I had adequate housing for a person living alone, and I needed to live within what He had provided. This sounds kind of mean, now that I am seeing it in print, but it wasn't at all. It actually was presented in such a way that it was like a revelation or something. Only God can do that; change your heart to want to give stuff away and actually be happy about it.

So I've been on this adventure of going through my stuff on a regular basis. I am constantly getting up on a Saturday morning and deciding "today I am going to sort through [fill in the blank] and give away what I don't need."  Sometimes it's clothes or shoes; sometimes it's furniture. Lately, it's been pictures, which can be challenging, but also freeing.

I love doing this. (This has to be God).

You have to constantly be in communication with God about this. I have learned to ask Him about everything.  Isn't that what He told us to do, though?

When He directed me to minimalize, I felt strongly that I should not bring new items into the house. For instance, I recently wanted a new bookshelf to accommodate my fantastic new idea I got (probably on Pinterest) for displaying books and pictures in my living room. Instead, He has directed my steps, saying "use what you already have."  I have heard that phrase so many times in my conversations with Him, but He's always right. Always. 

In short, He provides whatever I need.

So, what's the problem if God supplies all my needs?

For quite some time I have been focused on and increasingly upset by the fact that my children and grandchildren live far away from me. Even though we stay in touch by phone and internet, they are too far away to be daily or even weekly in my life, and this has been a sticking point for me. For several years I have battled with this. 

To fill the void, God brought Godly friends around me many years ago to love me and accept me as their own. I am living proof that He does set the lonely in families. The friendships and subsequent "adoption" into the family that He developed with my two "besties" and me over the almost 2 decades we've been friends is a miraculous story in itself, but the details of that is for another blog post at another time.

So I went to God recently, crying and lamenting over the fact that I need to see my kids and grandkids more. I told Him what He already knew: I had always and forever only wanted "the house with the white picket fence" so to speak with the sprawling front porch and rocking chairs on it. There would be a big backyard for the kids, and a deck for us to hang out on and watch them play. My kids and grandkids would be in and out of my house all the time. I would see them at least once a week. This is how I envisioned my future life when my children were growing up. 

This is not my reality. 

Over the past year or so, I have grieved over the loss of this future that I did not get to have. I have wondered what happened; why would God put a dream in my heart He was not going to fulfill? He never answered these questions. I became increasingly discontent, then discouraged, then defeated. The stage was set to enter back into full depression, each day getting darker and more hopeless. So utterly hopeless. The enemy of our soul would like us to believe that it is hopeless. I almost did.

But there is always hope. ALWAYS.

This past week was the bottom of that downward turn. I wept and prayed for a good long while after church Wednesday night. I did what I should have done in the beginning: I surrendered this whole thing to God. I asked Him to, once again, rearrange my heart, my longings, my desires. 

I basically asked Him to do with my heart what He had asked me to do with my house full of stuff: sort through what was there and take out what didn't belong. I asked Him to purify me and put the right desires in my heart, the ones He wants, because HE KNOWS BEST. Then I went to bed, and got up and went about my business as usual, going to work and coming home. 

This morning in prayer, I heard God as clearly as I have ever heard Him, regarding my kids and grandkids. It was so familiar, and was probably there all along but I didn't want to hear it. He said these words:

"Use what you already have."

So what do I have? I did what I always do when He tells me this about a thing I think I need. I took stock of what my resources are. What do I already have?

I have the internet. Thank you Jesus for the age of technology! We can Skype or Facetime more often.

I have my phone, constantly with me. We can text and send pictures to each other. We can talk on the phone (in olden days people actually talked to each other on the phone. I know, right?)

We can interact on Facebook (when I can get the darlings to comment). I try, oh how I try. 

God has provided a reliable car; I can go and see them more often; especially the grandkids who are growing and changing DAILY. I want them to know and have a relationship with their Mimi. 

As God provides the funds, I can fly to see the ones farther away. I can even drive when He gives me the courage to drive that far on my own.

The enemy wants us to live defeated and in despair. He wants us to believe that nothing will ever change, that there is no hope. But he is wrong.

There is always HOPE. Always.

"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have...For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4: 11, 13 NLT

Still Standing

God can and does speak to us all the time, in many different ways. We just have be listening and watching. He showed me something awesome this morning in a thunderstorm. First though, I have to give some background on my experience with storms.

I grew up on the edge of tornado alley, so thunderstorms and tornadoes have always been in my life. I never really noticed them until the spring of 1996 when an F3 tornado came tearing through my town and left a 1/2 mile wide path of destruction for several miles. My house was in the direct path, but God spared the lives of my family and our house. We just lost trees, a storage building, and were without electricity for 3 days.

Ever since that night in 1996 I've had a healthy respect for severe thunderstorms, especially those that have the potential to produce tornadoes.

Recently, I've had some wind damage on my property. Two years ago, strong straight line winds took out a tree, causing it to fall and rip the electric meter completely off my house! Three months later, another storm blew another tree down and pulled the wires loose from my electric meter again! At least the second time it didn't cost me anything. The electric company was able to reconnect the wires since the meter was not damaged this time.

Last spring, I got caught in a hail storm with no where to go and had to drive home in it. I had damage to my car and had to pay the deductible to get it fixed.

So, forgive me if I'm a little jumpy when it's storm season. I have good reason to be.

This morning I overslept. I awoke at 8:00 am to the sound of my cat meowing loudly. She was very impatiently telling me that her bowl was empty and she was at death's door.

Ok, that was a joke! For those of you who do NOT know my cat, she isn't about to starve any time soon. She weighs 17 pounds.

After I fed the starving cat, I got ready for church in a hurry. Since I was running late I didn't even turn on the TV. I usually have the news on while I'm getting ready in the mornings.

In 35 minutes I was out the door and in my car. It occurred to me that it was really dark outside for 8:40, but I went on anyway, headed for church.

As I left my neighborhood, which is in a forest that completely obscures the sky, I topped the hill and saw the northwest sky for the first time. It was a completely black wall cloud, and it was bearing down on my town. I contemplated trying to go on toward church, which is 12 miles southwest of there, but I knew I could never beat it. I wasn't afraid at that point, but I also did not want to drive in a severe, hail-producing thunderstorm. I feel like wisdom was telling me to go back to my house and wait until that cloud passed. I would just go to the 10:45 service instead of the early one.

I drove around the block at the next corner and calmly drove back to my house. I parked my car under the carport and went into my house, just as the first gusts of wind and drops of rain arrived.

Once in the house, I turned on the TV and was relieved to see commercials. Anyone in tornado country knows that the weather is the top story when it is really severe, and they don't even break for commercials. You can laugh if you want, but it's true.

Soon, the weatherman was showing the storm on the radar, just as it was arriving outside. It was merely a thunderstorm but it had potential for hail. Since I didn't want to risk hail damage on my car again, I was glad I had come back home.

I had relaxed when I saw it was mostly a lot of rain, so I was not prepared for what happened next. I was sitting on my couch, looking out my front window at the storm. My very large pecan tree in front of my house was thrashing about violently in the wind. We're not talking about a sapling; this is a mature tree, taller than the 2 story house next door. Its trunk is so large I can't wrap my arms around it. Several times, it appeared that a branch would break off the tree. The limbs almost touched the ground two or three times. All the trees in the neighborhood were being tossed around in the wind, but this one right in front of my house caught my attention.

I really wish I had thought to record this but it was so surprising and I was

doing a lot of praying at the time.

After about 15 or 20 minutes the wind started to subside. I stared in amazement at that tree. It was still standing! Not only was it still standing, it had not lost one limb. Not one.

As I continued to look at the tree, I heard the still small voice reassuring me that just as this tree was tossed about in the wind, yet did not break, so would I feel tossed in the storms of life at times, but I WOULD NOT BREAK.

God has made nature to be resilient. Trees can withstand a lot of wind without suffering any damage. He also made us, and when we put our faith in Him and trust in Him to get us through the storms of life, He will.

Lately, I have struggled with just that, one of the "storms of life." Over the years, I have suffered the loss of loved ones, financial loss, and physical sickness and pain. I have been through major depression. I have walked through intense emotional pain and had my heart broken so badly, I didn't think I could survive it. You name it, I've been through it. I'm sure we all have had our share of "storms" of this nature.

However, though I have suffered through many storms over the years as I walk with the Lord, each time He has brought me through. Just like the pecan tree, I'm still standing. This morning, He timed a thunderstorm just right so that He could reassure me that He would get me through this storm that I am presently in. 

I'm encouraged by this, because with every new "storm" or battle, there is growth. Praise the Lord! I will come out on the other side of this with a new level of freedom. He is breaking off some more chains!

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.  Psalm 91:1-2 (NLT)

Are the Crickets Chirping?

Tonight, I find myself meditating on Psalm 40, verses 1-3:

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry." 

Really? You might be thinking that you seem to still be stuck and nothing seems to have changed when you cried out to the Lord.

Basically, it's crickets chirping. 

If you don't get that, I'm sorry. Truly. 

Well, the reasons for His silence are numerous, and none of us knows the mind of God and can figure out the exact plans He has for us. When we cry out to God, we don't understand why He doesn't drop everything and deliver us from the mess we're in. Does He not care about our dilemma?

Yes. Yes, He does. It's entirely possible that it's because He cares that He seems to delay so long to rescue us. I believe that while He does forgive our sins immediately when we ask Him to, sometimes the circumstances in which we find ourselves don't change right away. 

Maybe He is taking time to set up the new place in life where He wants us.

Perhaps He wants us to get closer to Him and He uses our painful situation to refine us a little.

Quite possibly, if we had exactly what we want when we think we need it, we would destroy ourselves. 

Don't say it can't happen. We do that, you know. All the time. At least, I know I have. Years ago, my life was a complete shambles and at times didn't think I would make it.  

If we take matters into our own hands instead of waiting for God to work out and orchestrate the details of our lives, eventually we can find ourselves in a real mess. We have to learn to wait on His timing, His plan, His way. He really does know what's best for us. 

After a while, when we wait on Him, we find ourselves saying

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

Wow! One day, we look around us and find ourselves out of the pit we were in. How did we get here? Without really knowing the details of how it happened, when we wait on God and continue to climb and follow where He leads we find ourselves proclaiming

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him."

When we give ourselves fully to God's ways and plans, He will bring us out and our lives will become a testimony to His goodness, grace, and mercy.

This may or may not be the most encouraging post I have ever written, but I believe it's truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it also heals.

So, be blessed. God loves you and wants you to be all that He created you to be. Let Him lead and you won't be sorry.

That's all tonight, folks. 

All Sufficient Grace

Most of my life up until I was about 40 I was not really organized.  I wasn't necessarily disorganized; I just didn't have any special organizing abilities to speak of. I felt disorganized, raising 3 kids in a 900 square foot home, but I think that was because there wasn't enough storage and therefore not enough places to put everything away. Seriously, is there ever enough storage for all the items you need with babies and children?

Two distinctive things happened within a year before and after I turned forty: First, two months before my 40th birthday I had a life-changing, crying and sobbing on the floor God experience when I gave Him my heart. From that moment on, at 12 noon on Oct. 31, 1994, I have never been the same. Second, about a year after I turned 40 I lost my brother and my mother within 3 months' time.

This was a traumatic time in my life. My brother died on Dec. 3, 1995 at only 55--too young to die. It was devastating to my mother, who was 77 at the time. I don't think she ever really recovered.  Not quite 3 months later, on Feb. 28, my mother died suddenly. Even though she was in ICU already from a heart attack a couple of days earlier, they were unable to revive her.

And so I was left the sole survivor of the family I grew up in. My dad had passed in 1983, so I was the only one left. I didn't see how I could possibly get through this and bear these losses.  It didn't occur to me until recently that He knew I could bear these losses.  He sustained me through it all and gave me the grace I needed. It was all part of His master plan.

This brings me to the point of this post. He got me through this difficult time emotionally with a peace that passes all understanding. I can't explain it, I just knew I would come through ok. What I didn't know was how much God was about to change my life.

Suddenly, I had about three weeks to get my mama's apartment packed up and moved to storage until I could get a yard sale together. No pressure at all.

I remember walking into her apartment and looking around the room thinking "where do I start?" And then God spoke to me. It was life-changing to me, but some of you will have heard this if you watch reality TV shows by professional organizers or read their blogs. Bear in mind, though, that this was 20 years ago; internet was just getting started and there were no reality shows on TV. Professional organizers were not really a thing yet. So even though what I felt He was saying is very basic and logical, it had escaped me my whole life. I had never thought of this or heard it from any source. I felt strongly impressed to do the following:

"Focus on one thing at a time. Do not worry about all the other stuff in the room.  Just deal with what's in front of you."  

That may not be earth-shattering to you, but it was revelation knowledge to me back then. Essentially what the Lord showed me was to start at the doorway and move clockwise around the room until everything had been dealt with. For instance, I took a dresser drawer in the bedroom and focused on its contents using the "keep, toss, sell" directions like the organizers do. I boxed it up or threw it away and moved on to the next dresser drawer.

You may be thinking, "wow, she's cold-hearted and unfeeling." However, I am very sentimental. This was a daunting task, and if God had not helped me I could not have done it!  But by the sheer grace of God, I was able to detach myself emotionally from my mother's belongings so that I could sort through it and get it ready to give away, sell, or throw it away. Some of it did go into storage until I could decide, but I was able to decide on most of it during that process. 

It took me 3 weeks, going after work and on the weekends, to box up her apartment. We rented a storage building and stored her furniture to put in a yard sale when I had a chance to get that together. I had some help at times from my husband and kids, but I had to make all the decisions about the stuff. No one could do that part for me. It was mine alone to do, and I knew it.

Because my dad was a photographer, and both he and my mom kept virtually everything, there were a lot of pictures. A LOT. I was finding random pictures in every drawer, nook and cranny and I began to feel the need to organize them chronologically. 

Then I felt strongly--probably the urging of the Holy Spirit again--that I should put the photographs in plastic containers. Maybe this would seem like common sense, but it had never occurred to me until I was in the middle of it.  I went and bought large clear plastic storage boxes and sorted the pictures into them. In April 1996, three weeks after I turned in the key to my mom's apartment, an F-3 tornado came through our town and ripped part of the roof off the storage building where her furniture and personal belongings, including all those pictures, were stored. 

It was over a week before we were allowed to go in and check on our storage, because the storage building was in a heavily damaged part of town. Trees and power lines were down and houses were reduced to splinters. When we finally got in there, a lot of the furniture was ruined due to the rain that continued all night after the tornado went through our area, and a lot of the boxed items were, too. However, the pictures, safe in their plastic containers, were unharmed. Every one of them.  I'm so thankful I listened to that still, small voice that told me to put the pictures in plastic containers.

It's been 20 years this month since I was in the middle of cleaning out my mother's apartment, but through the years I have retained my God-given ability to organize and deal with all manner of "stuff." There are times when I still walk into a room and wonder where to start, but I simply ask God to show me and He does. Every time. Maybe He allows me to feel overwhelmed sometimes to remember that He is my source, I don't know.  I do know this for sure:  I give Him all the glory for my organizational abilities.  I could not do it without His guidance and His all-sufficient grace.

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT.

More Than Many Sparrows

It has been quite a stormy spring and summer where I live.  We've had a bunch of rain with thunderstorms, and even a flash flood a couple of months ago. All this is most unusual summer behavior for this area.  As a rule we are normally without measurable rainfall in the summer months. It is now August, and though by now it should be dry and brown outside, this is not the case this year.

Memorial Day this year brought a huge thunderstorm through in the late afternoon. Damaging winds and possibly hail were in the forecast for the day.  So I did what I always do in these cases: I decided to ride it out in my safe place just in case.  My bedroom closet, which is in the middle of the house, is where I go when I am uneasy about the weather but don't feel like going to the tornado shelter is necessary.

This particular Monday afternoon's storm quickly escalated to a severe status because of the straight line winds. So I'm in my bedroom with the TV on, watching the play-by-play report they have on when the weather turns nasty. I was sitting on the bed until it started sounding really windy outside, so I moved to the floor of the closet to be farther from the windows. Suddenly, *BOOM!* there was a crashing sound of something hitting the house right beside my bedroom window.  And then darkness. I was quite shaken up, and afraid to go anywhere near any windows, so I sat in the closet floor for another 10 or 15 minutes until the wind subsided some.  

It didn't appear the roof was damaged because there were no leaks in the house. I investigated as well as I could without going outside, because I knew there was probably a power line down, possibly still live, in my back yard. I soon discovered why I had no power when I finally got up the nerve to go to the back of the house and look out the window.  A neighbor's dead tree had come crashing down on the power line that goes from my house to the pole--and pulled my electric meter off the house! It wasn't something hitting the house that I heard; it was the meter being forcefully ripped off, completely disconnecting the electricity. I found out later that it was fortunate that it pulled the electric lines completely clear of the house, because sometimes a fire can start from partially detached lines arcing. 

I reported my outage to the electric company, then did what a lot of us tend to do when something like this happens: I shared it on social media. Almost immediately I got I phone call from a family member offering to let me stay with them, and I took them up on it. Because I had to get an electrician to re-attach the meter to the house before the electric company would re-connect my power, I ended up staying there a couple of days.  I am so thankful for my family.

A few days later, I was walking around in my back yard and praying. There was something still there that was troubling to me.  Another dead tree on the same neighbor's property was leaning and hanging over my property.  I was worried it would come down on my power line and I would have the same problem and expense again.  Knowing that God cares about my problems, I asked Him to somehow get that remaining dead tree removed in a way that did no harm to anyone or anyone's property, and did not cost me any more money. Then I did my very best to dismiss it from my mind, because I had given it to God. This was in early June.

Two months later another storm came through, the first week in August.  It rained heavily, with thunder and lightening at varying intervals all night long. Several times I was awakened by the storm, but never one time did I think about that tree.  I had really cast that care on God.

At 4:00 am, I was suddenly awake, probably from loud thunder. Before I could go back to sleep, I heard what sounded like a wire being stretched very tight, and then it was dark.  This time, it was really dark, because it was the middle of the night.  I found a flashlight and ventured carefully to the back of the house to see if the meter had been pulled off again, but it was so dark I couldn't see it. I called the electric company and reported my outage and tried to go back to sleep. 

Finally, after I tossed and turned in a dark house with no fan or AC on, unable to sleep, the first hints of dawn finally started to appear at the windows.  When it was light enough, I looked out the window by the meter--it was still attached! There was no damage to property, just as I had asked the Lord for. Since the electric company just had to reattach the wires, I was only without power for 5 hours that time.

This has been a long post, but I felt it was necessary to give some back story.  I was really concerned about the tree, and I went to God about it.  He took care of it in His way and in His timing. It was encouraging to me that when He takes care of us, He takes all things about our lives into consideration. 

The lesson He taught me from all this is if He took care of that need, He will certainly take care of all my other needs, too!

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows"  Luke 12:6-7 (NIV).

No Longer Needy

One of the definitions that Merriam-Webster gives for neediness is:

"needy:  marked by want of affection, attention, or emotional support"
 <emotionallyneedy> — need·i·ness noun

Yes, that would be the one that described me. For many years, I was that needy person. I'm not proud of it, but part of what I do on this blog is tell about my struggles in the hope that someone will be helped or encouraged. Sometimes, it really helps to know you're not the only one. So here goes.

I'm not going to go in to the details of why I was so needy. Let's just say that seventeen years ago I found myself newly divorced. It was certainly not what I had wanted; I believed when I got married that marriage is forever. I still believe that God intends for it to be; it just didn't turn out that way for me. 

This new-found state of singleness was overwhelming and downright scary most of the time. I had always been a nervous, easily frightened person. There was no peace in my heart; it was always in turmoil. Suddenly, I was the responsible adult in the house with custody of my youngest child, who was 15 and a sophomore in high school. I was scared out of my mind.  

Adding to this, at this point in my life my worth was reflected in the eyes of my friends. There was no one else. My dad, mom, and brother were deceased. My two eldest children were in college a whole hour away (which seems like nothing now!) and the youngest was, as I said before, in high school. I had a cousin, kind of like an older sister to me, but there was really no other family. Many times I cried myself to sleep because I felt so alone and so afraid. So the stage was set for the drama that my life was becoming.

In time, I found myself seeking the company of friends to fill the void in my heart. In my mind, at least subconsciously, if people included me in their lives I was loved and accepted. I desperately wanted to be accepted. 

I was a relatively new Christian, having given my heart to Jesus only about 3 years earlier. Even though I had been raised in church, it was all head knowledge. I had no concept of what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus; in fact, I did not recall when I was growing up ever hearing the phrase "personal relationship with Jesus Christ." So, I had no idea that I was already accepted and loved by Him.  

Thus began a journey toward emotional freedom that lasted for over fifteen years. 

I prayed, read the Bible, got in lots of prayer lines, and took every workshop or Bible study that came along in an attempt to be free of the pain I felt: the pain of rejection.  

God, in His infinite mercy and wisdom, gave me some solid, Bible-believing, praying friends along the way that helped guide me forward in this quest for emotional freedom. Of course, I proceeded to drive them crazy with my neediness. Oh, dear Lord, I was a mess. At the time, I had no idea just how messed up I was. I just felt empty and rejected all the time.

The turning point came in 2003 during a Beth Moore Bible study called Breaking Free.  If you are struggling with emotional issues, I highly recommend it. It started the process of turning my life around. You can read the post where I tell about that by going to this post:

http://debbiev120.blogspot.com/2010/03/emotional-freedom.html

You may have to copy and paste the address into your browser to open it. 

I would love to tell you that I was completely free and no longer needy immediately after that course, but I wasn't. I did start making more progress after that Bible study, but it was several years before I woke up one day and realized my worth and value are in Christ and I am accepted by Him. 

It was years in the making (mostly because I was hard-headed and did not yield to God's leading) but He has filled me with such peace! I seldom feel lonely anymore; those times are brief and happen less often. I don't feel rejected anymore, either. That chain has been broken! Anytime I am even slightly tempted to give in to that, I remind the enemy that I am accepted and loved by Christ and quote scriptures until the feeling passes. For this reason, I kept scriptures taped up everywhere for a long time until they became a part of me.

Today, I am no longer the same person.  I am a new creation in Christ! I am complete in Him! 

At times the pain was intense, but with every battle I grew a little stronger and became a little freer. If you are going through a battle with feeling needy, take heart! God has set me free, and He will do the same for you.