Puzzling Times

The months since mid-March, when we were told we are in a pandemic, have been hard. 

At times I've felt isolated, like I was on a desert island with no boats in sight. It seemed at times like no one cared. None of my kids live near me, and it's so evident to me lately that I am alone.

I've had some anxiety, unsure of what lies ahead. I've basically become a hermit. For over 4 months, I only left the house for two reasons:  to do a grocery pick-up, not even getting out of the car, and go in to the office twice a week to do a few things for work that I can't do from home.

When school was about to start, I started going back daily, like normal. Only it's not normal. I stay in my office most of the day, and when I do leave I wear a mask.

The whole thing is stressful and so very "not normal." At times, it really starts to wear on me.

A couple of months ago, I was taking to my son and daughter-in-law, telling them how I was struggling emotionally. I really only feel safe when I am home, so that's where I stay most of the time. I don't unload often (at least I hope not) but that day, I guess it was showing that the stress was getting to me. I was battling depression, and I needed help. We talked a while, and I felt better after talking to them. 

About a week later, I came home to find a package on my front porch. My son and his wife had sent me a puzzle that they had worked recently, along with a sweet note. I was so touched at their gesture.

It's been on my kitchen table for the last couple of months, and at times I thought I would never get it together. But today, I put the last piece in. Finished!

While working on this puzzle, it occurred to me that the Christian walk has similarities to working a puzzle. 

We think we know what is right, until nothing seems to be going right. Eventually, we cry out to God for help, and He very patiently removes the piece we placed wrong and puts the correct piece in its place. 

This happened to me time and again while I was working on this puzzle. I would think I had it right; it seemed to fit, but later on it became evident that a specific piece just didn't go where I had put it. This particular brand of puzzle has a definite feel when you have it right. It just "schloops" right in, almost like it's magnetically drawn to the spot, and there is no more doubt that it's in the right place.

I know that may sound silly, but it seemed worth saying. Depression is a dark place that I have carefully avoided for many years, but have once again come dangerously close to. Working this puzzle was a reward to me for working all day. I could come home and work on the puzzle a little each day. It gave me something to look forward to.

I've written lots of times about getting free from depression, so it's probably surprising and perhaps disappointing to some of you to read that I'm struggling again. It's more complicated than "just going back there."

Depression is sneaky. It hangs around the edges and seizes any opportunity to drag its victims back into the darkness. This time, it felt like I was walking along in the fog and to one side there was a cliff.  On the other side, though, was my Savior, holding my hand and leading me back to a safer path.

During the last few weeks I have been doing much better. I know that Jesus never leaves me or forsakes me, and I am never alone. I've been walking with Him since October 1994 when I gave my life to Him. He has never once left my side, even though at times I have felt alone. 

He has been with me through it all, and He will never leave me. He will get me through this.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." Psalm 34:17-19

Fighting Battles

It has once again been longer than normal since I wrote last. I've been busy. It seems I'm in a battle.

A while back I was trying to figure out what emotion I was feeling inside. There was an ache and an emptiness that I knew from experience could only be filled by God. Not only was I well aware that it could not be filled by people or things, I didn't want it to be. I knew it was a hunger for God alone, so I have been waiting before God during prayer to show up and fix the problem.

While waiting, I have been asking all kinds of questions.

We humans love to ask questions, don't we? Why am I in this battle? Why has it practically paralyzed me emotionally and spiritually? How can I ask God to fix something if I don't even know what is wrong?

And of course, God doesn't answer those questions.

Then one day at church, it came to me what I was feeling. No wonder it felt familiar! This particular emotion goes way back into my childhood. The spirit of rejection has been trying to work its way back into my life lately, and this time it brought along an old foe of mine to help to entrap me.

During worship it suddenly came to me, and I had to write it down. I quickly sat down and rummaged through my purse and Bible looking for paper, but I had cleaned out my purse and there was no scrap paper to be found. I finally scribbled frantically on the back of the bulletin. I know from experience that if I don't write it down it will "evaporate" and I won't be able to recall what it was.

So I wrote down what I had been feeling and couldn't put my finger on. I wrote these words:

I feel like everyone ran on ahead of me and left me here all alone. It's like I bent down to tie my shoe, and they didn't wait on me. I'm standing here all alone. But I'm not alone, Jesus said He would never leave me nor forsake me, so He is here. I'm surrounded by God.... 

And in the background the church was singing "It may look like I'm surrounded, but I'm surrounded by God. This is how I fight my battles..."

Suddenly I knew what it was. The emotion I had been experiencing was ABANDONMENT. Very similar to rejection, almost, but not exactly. I thought back to a time when I had felt that emotion. For some reason, this particular memory is etched into my brain.

When I was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8, I distinctly remember a time when my mama said she was going to the store, and I could go with her when she was ready to go. So I went out into the yard to wait for her. After I had been outside for a while, suddenly I saw her car driving down the street, away from our house.

I panicked. I was sure that my mama had forgotten I wanted to go with her, and she left me. I ran after the car, frantic to catch up with her and make her see me and remember that I wanted to go with her. I finally caught up with the car at the end of the block when the driver stopped at the stop sign.

Then I saw it wasn't my mama. Relief flooded through me as I stood there catching my breath. Even though I was still feeling shaky from emotion and the exertion of running an entire block, I walked back up the hill to my house. I remember feeling very foolish, embarrassed, and ashamed. I don't think I ever told my mama that I had thought she left me.

This feeling has come back to me periodically throughout the years but I had never identified what it was. 

But now it had finally been revealed to me what I was battling! I went to the Lord when I got home and talked to Him about it. I gave Him my fear of abandonment. I knew it wasn't actual abandonment, because that has already been taken care of. I know I am not abandoned because that is contrary to the Word of God:

Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:9-11

In Isaiah 53 His word says "He was despised and forsaken of men."  He took care of this at the cross in our place so we don't have to be! That is awesome news! 

My mother, father, and brother went to be with Jesus a long time ago. It's been over twenty years. My children grew up, went to college, and went on to follow their dreams like I wanted them to. They are happily living their lives, and I am truly happy for them, but they are all in places far away from me so I don't see them often. 

It appears I have been left all alone. However, no matter how many times the enemy comes to me and tells me I have been abandoned and left here all alone, I can simply turn to him and declare the truth by using the Word of God to combat his lies.

I am NOT forsaken, and I am NOT abandoned. Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Psalm 27:10 NLT 

If you are battling the lies of the enemy about anything, write down all the scriptures you can find that contradict the lies and say them back to him whenever he whispers those lies in your ear. 

Write them on post it notes and put them on your bathroom mirror, above the kitchen sink, or anywhere else you want to remind yourself of how to fight those lies.

Also, put on some worship music and sing along with it. A sure way to defeat the enemy is to worship Jesus. 

Whatever you may be battling, Jesus has defeated it. Declare it, believe it, live it!

I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you. Hebrews 13:5 NASB