Work Looks Different These Days

A couple of days ago, I realized I hadn't been writing in my journal. In fact, I became aware that I was not lingering as long to hear from the Spirit in my quiet time in the mornings, when I have prayer and Bible reading. 

Ironically, I finally became aware of this because I lingered a little longer. Yep.

I had been reading Psalm 34 over and over; I read some parts out loud, and I sat and meditated on what its meaning was. The whole chapter is amazing, but I want to focus on this part:

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:13, 14.  

The last phrase, "seek peace and pursue it" really hit home with me. I started thinking, how do I seek peace?

This led me to ponder why I haven't been sitting as long, listening, and writing in my journal. Then I began to comprehend what was going on:

I feel like I should be "busy;" up and dressed and "doing something constructive." All those years I was in the work force, I was up and "being constructive" by no later than 7:30 am in the morning in the school office. 

It dawned on me that I have been feeling like I'm being lazy. I have falsely believed that "busy is good" and "being still is laziness."

But, as I have discovered in the last few years, I'm a writer. It's actually my only job now, since I retired. Writers have to sit still to write what they need to write. It's how they do their work; it's the method needed to do their job!

Since retirement last July, I have not ceased being busy; and when I am not being busy and on my feet doing some type of physical work like laundry, housework, or sorting through stuff to donate, I have fallen into the trap of feeling guilty for not being productive. 

Sidenote: I've even allowed myself to feel guilty for reading so much more (mostly an hour before bed, or 15 minutes here and there waiting to pick up the grandkids). I've averaged about a book a week since January 1. 

It is probably understandable to still feel like I need to be doing something; after all, I had to pull my non-morning-person self up and force myself out the door to work for so many years. So many years.

Back then, I had a sense of purpose. I knew what I was supposed to do. It was, by the way, a desk job requiring me to sit and do computer work and deposits and all that bookkeeper type of stuff.  Strange that I never felt like I was not being productive by sitting still back then.

It was a wonderful job, and it was given to me by God. I loved my job, and because God gave it to me, He enabled me to be good at it. In and of myself I wouldn't have been able to do it. 

It was actually painful to give it up, but I knew deep in my heart that it was time...time to do the job God has given me for this next phase of my life.

Writing.

God put writing within me a long time ago. It's a gift; part of His spiritual gift in me of encouragement. 

How does that work? A person who has struggled with depression and anxiety for most of her life is an encourager?

Crazy I know. But here we are. However, I always know I have to lean close in and hear from God. I cannot do this without Him. He gets all the glory that way.

So, if He wants me to exercise my gift to write and encourage, He knows I have to have some part of my day to sit and do just that. Therefore, I should not feel guilty for sitting and listening to the Lord when I'm meditating on His word.

Some people are called to do the more physical things, like those called to hospitality. Man, I wish I could do those things! Those people who love to cook and plan parties and stuff like that. God love them, they are so important! We need them. I'm in awe of them; I can't do what they do. 

I am not that person, and I've finally just admitted it.

I can no longer accept the condemnation heaped on me by my own perception of what productivity looks like. I've felt inadequate for far too long. Those people who are naturally physically active people who have the capacity to be more active, those who like to cook and entertain, or the ones who are outgoing and can talk to people with ease are exercising their God given gifts. God put that within them to do those things.

I'm no way trying to say they are better than I am, or I am better than they. Please hear my heart on this. 

They have their job to do, and I have mine.

"Lord, today I accept the assignment You gave me all those years ago when I accepted You as Savior, and I fully embrace it. I will be still and know you are God; and I will write."

Blessings, friends. 💗

Walk by the Spirit

I've tried to write this testimony so many times, but I could never get the right words to explain it. I think this time I may have succeeded. It must be God's timing.

Many years ago, before I had placed my faith in Jesus as my Savior, I did not know my worth. I grew up in church but did not have a relationship with Jesus. I never even heard of the concept of having a relationship with Jesus until was in my late thirties.

Later, after I had placed my faith in Jesus, I was still very insecure. The challenges I faced as a divorcee with a teenage son in high school were plentiful. The enemy threw everything he could at me to discourage me and he was successful for a lot of years. A whole lot of years.

I didn't know it then, but after the divorce I thought I had lost my identity; I was no longer a wife, so that was not who I was. My mom and dad had passed away so I was no longer a daughter. My brother had passed away, so I was no longer a sister.  My older two children were in college and I perceived erroneously that they no longer needed me, so I had a somewhat emptier nest. Bless his heart, my youngest son bore the brunt of my depression and despair in those early, dark days. He was and still is a good listener and has wisdom beyond his years. I leaned on him a lot, even though looking back, I cringe thinking about what the whole situation did to him.

So I had my son, and a couple of friends who were wonderful, but they weren't supposed to bear the weight of my broken heart. That belonged to Jesus, but I didn't come to that realization for many years; many agonizing, painful years.

As I have mentioned on here before, my need for affirmation, along with the need to know my identity, caused my anguish and desolation to consume me.

I had to belong to someone, somewhere. I had to! Not even in a romantic setting; I just wanted to be part of a family. I tried to belong by taking matters in my own hands.  I left a good, Bible-believing church on a quest for "where I belonged."

All the time, I already belonged to Jesus, and my worth was in Him, but I had not been a Christian for very long, and the divorce derailed my discipleship somewhat. So I didn't know.

I wandered for two years looking for where I belonged. During this time, my friends that I had leaned on so much moved away from my area. Shortly after that, my youngest went away to college.

And the bottom fell out of my world.

In a odd twist of events, shortly before my son went off to college, I had landed in the church where I have now been a member for nearly 20 years. I was not home free, though. I knew I belonged in that church; God confirmed that to me when I walked in the door the first time. However, I still had the gnawing neediness that left me feeling empty and unwanted.

Oh man, it is so humiliating to admit all this! I wouldn't do it if I didn't KNOW I'm supposed to. Someone needs to hear this; to know there is hope for them. I know this is true. I have been stuck, unable to write for months because I didn't know how to say this. Ever balk at something God told you to do? You can't pick and choose what He tells you to do. Feeling stuck? Go back to the last thing He said. Do the thing He put in your heart and get unstuck.

So, here we are. Now I have to do this; it has to be said. It's a fire within me tonight.

So here goes.

I know in the early days of my divorced state I drove people crazy; I would hang around on the edges of groups of new friends I had made. I wanted to be wanted. I hoped and prayed for them to see me and talk to me. If they liked me, I would matter (I subconsciously told myself). I hoped they would invite me to go to lunch after church. I wanted to belong. I had to fill the cavernous emptiness in me.

I was trying to make something happen, instead of trusting God to let it happen --IF it was supposed to--in His timing. Someone very dear to me kept telling me to not force things, just "let it happen," but it was lost on me. I didn't get it.

This went on for way too long. I went to prayer meetings, I stood in lines to be prayed for, and I told all my problems to a few friends I had become close to. I did get some better, but it wasn't until I hit rock bottom about eight years ago that things really started to change.

I was already on anti-depressants, but serotonin levels in my brain are only one factor in the depression I was dealing with. I had serious, deep-seated issues that I had to deal with to be free.

A couple of things happened to help me to find deliverance. First, I went through a Divorce Care class. It was years after the divorce, but it brought a bunch of stuff to the surface that I never even knew was there.

Second, I got some professional counseling. I met on a regular basis with a married couple who were Christian counselors. They knew the right questions to ask me, and most importantly, they knew how to pray. We met, talked, and prayed together for several months. God used them to guide me to deliverance from the junk that had made me so needy and desperate. He used them to show me that I was already free; Jesus had set me free when He died for me on the cross. I came to realize I was sitting in a prison cell, so to speak, but the door was unlocked and the chains I was wearing were just hanging on my wrists, unfastened.

In time, I got up and the chains of depression, despair, and abandonment, as well as many others, dropped off because I was no longer bound. I walked out of that prison FREE, knowing that my worth is in Christ Jesus. I am His and He provides my every need.

It wasn't until that counseling that my eyes were opened to the fact that I was trying to make things happen that I felt like I needed. Just like my friend had been saying. In time I learned to listen to the Holy Spirit; to discern if I was wanting something He either knew wasn't needed or it was just not the right time.

If you struggling with knowing your worth or trying to belong, or any kind of bondage, take heart. If you have placed your faith in Jesus as your Savior, you are His. You belong to Him.  He loves you more than you can fathom.

He will lead you out of the darkness if you will just quiet yourself and listen to Him. Be blessed, my friend!

If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Galatians 5:25 NASB

On the Other Side of Bitter

I was sick for most of April with a sinus infection, which went into bronchitis. I went to the doctor twice for that, because I couldn't stop coughing. I had one good weekend where I felt a little better, and was able to make the long drive to go to my granddaughter's 7th birthday party.

The following Monday I was running fever in the evening. By Wednesday, my face was swollen and painful around my eyes and cheeks, so I went back to the doctor; the third trip to the doctor in 4 weeks. Seventy-five dollars in co-pays and $125 for meds later, I am finally almost completely recovered. It was an ordeal, though, and this past Saturday in my time with the Lord He showed me something that I wanted to share. 

So hang with me, I promise all this has a point.

I have had my share of health issues over the last ten years or so. One of my challenges is a stricture in my esophagus; a tight place that has been so small that I once had an Allegra capsule stuck there for 7 hours before it finally dissolved enough to go down. It has been dilated 3 or 4 times and it's about as good as it's going to be until God heals me completely, which I know without a doubt He can and will do.

Because of this stricture, I have limitations on what I can swallow, and I have to eat slower to allow time for everything to go down. It's frustrating, but I have adjusted and learned to live with it.

When the first antibiotic did not clear up the sinus infection and bronchitis, the doctor decided I needed something stronger to wipe out the infection. Now, I can swallow capsules the size of Tylenol capsules, but the antibiotic he prescribed comes in capsules quite a bit larger than that; too large for me to swallow.

I knew what I had to do; I've taken this particular medicine before. I had to open the capsule and pour its contents into applesauce to get it down. Four times a day for 7 days I did this. Twenty-eight times to be exact. Inconvenient, but doable. 

There was one problem, though.

The contents of these capsules are extremely bitter. It was all I could do to swallow it in a couple of tablespoons of applesauce, after which I drank a lot of water. It was horrible! I almost cried at first with the realization that I had to do this 4 times a day for a week. I started praying before each pill for God to help me. I quoted out loud, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." After a few days I started feeling better; the medicine was doing its job.

So Saturday morning I was reflecting about how God had been there each time and helped me endure the bitterness and He showed me something. This was a physical healing which required taking a bitter pill 4 times a day, but it applies to other healing as well.

In ALL things I need God, and He helps me through each "bitter pill" experience I go through. When He has told me specifically what path I needed to be on for emotional healing, at times it was so hard to follow through and I wanted to give up. Sometimes I did, and I would end up an emotional wreck again. I would go back to God and ask for healing and deliverance. Each time He was patient and kind and gently guided me back to the path I needed to be on for my healing.

Just like the strong, bitter medicine worked and cured the sinus infection when I took it as prescribed, God has delivered me from many different levels of emotional and spiritual bondage over the years. Each time I had to follow through and do what He had shown me I needed to do to be delivered.

On the other side of taking the 28 antibiotic capsules, I found that the bitter medicine had done its job and I was cured.

The same has been true spiritually. On the other side of the valleys I have gone through, I have found that I was healed after what had seemed like an impossible journey, full of bitter experiences.

I have heard testimonies of people who were immediately healed of all kinds of bondage; they laid down drugs and never craved them again, or they were instantly healed of depression.

For whatever reason, it hasn't worked that way for me. God has delivered me from depression, suicide attempts, and extreme emotional neediness, but for the most part I walked all of those deliverances out by daily following the Lord on the path He had put me on. One foot in front of the other, over and over, day after day I trudged through some hard and painful valleys. I wanted to cry, and many times I did. 

Every time I cried out to the Lord He always helped me. Every time.

And then one day I looked up and realized I was on the mountain top. I saw the sunshine instead of a dense forest of depression. I felt joy instead of sadness. I was happy and content instead of heavy-hearted and dejected. 

My chains were lying at my feet, no longer binding me.

My message is this: Do not give up. Keep on following the voice of Jesus, the Good Shepard. He will not steer you wrong and He really isn't trying to hurt you. It is all for your good and His glory.

Just as sure as 28 bitter pills healed a recurrent sinus infection, one day you'll look around and realize you are no longer in the valley. You are standing on the mountain top free!

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord--who is the Spirit--makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image." 2 Corinthians 3:17-18, NLT

To Be Free, Stand Here

I've been going through a rough time for a few months now. It seems like depression would like to come and take up residence again. It's not going to though. I finally shared this with my Sunday school class and asked for prayer.

I don't like to ask for help, especially considering where I have come from and the period of extreme neediness and insecurity I went through following my divorce and my youngest child leaving for college. Thank God I am not that person anymore. Sometimes, though, I think God allows circumstances that cause us to realize we need our brothers and sisters in Christ to pray for us. So I had to swallow my pride and ask for prayer.

This afternoon, I was looking through some older journals, seeking to encourage myself from reading about what God has done for me in the past. I came across an entry from 2007. I had forgotten all about this, which makes me glad I journal.

I'll share a bit of it here. It was written after a time of prayer where I had a word from God:

"...God showed me the pit I have been in. In the past when I have read about pits in the Bible, I have always pictured a large hole in the ground about 10 feet in diameter and just deep enough to be hard to climb out of. The pit I saw, however, was so deep I couldn’t see the bottom when I looked down. The diameter was just large enough for a person to get through, not wide like I had always pictured.  Jesus was reaching down to get my hand and help me up. However, I had climbed all the way up until I could see light at the top somehow. I wondered about this, but before I could ask He revealed to me that there were steps in the side of the pit. I had not noticed those before. I asked where those came from and He said they were the Word of God. Speaking the Word of God had given me something to stand on that was higher than where I had been before. Every time I had spoken the Word in faith believing I had climbed a little higher. It was a process. I didn’t climb from the depths of this pit overnight. I was also concerned about being in a pit again, when I clearly remember Him pulling me out of one 2 or 3 years ago. I remember because He told me then that we embark on this journey by the following steps:

He showed me that first is salvation: 'If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.'—1 John 1:9. 

Second, He told me to not be always looking back continually at what I have come out of: 'Forgetting what lies behind me and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.' Phil. 3:13

He then told me another scripture, found in Psalms: 'He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.'  Psalm 147:3

Then He reminded me that as I stood in that desert back in the summer of 2003, looking around at where He had brought me to, I saw a little ways off a mountain range. I somehow knew then that I was going to be climbing again soon. I began to see that the Christian walk is a series of mountains and valleys. As we go onward with Him, we go into times of valleys in between the mountains, but each time we end up a little higher up, a little better off, a little closer to Jesus. Unless we are willfully disobedient, we don’t plunge to the depths where we once dwelled. 

Somehow I had crossed this desert and found a way to go up, which led me through the core of the mountain to the bottom of a very narrow, dark pit. This is the pit that I had found myself nearly to the top of. Jesus had been with me every step of the way, encouraging me to “speak the Word.” He could have pulled me out at any time, but He knew that by my speaking the Word of God, I would be transformed on the inside. I am being changed on the inside as I go, because the Word gets inside and does the work. How marvelous!"

Prior to this writing ten years ago, according to my journal, I had been confused and had felt “dead” inside for a couple of years. 

I say "according to my journal" because I honestly don't remember!  God has completely transformed me and I am no longer "living there," praise the Lord! THIS is why I journal; because God showed me in 1994 that I would be a writer. He put in me a desire to journal, knowing I would I have to have those "notes" from the past to encourage others. 

I had no idea in 1994 how or where I would write. Sometimes we can't see very far ahead. We just have to trust that He knows what He is talking about.

For years I hid God's Word away in my heart by posting little notes all over my apartment: on the bathroom mirror, above the kitchen sink, on the wall by my bed. I would see those scriptures daily and say them out loud when times got tough. Doing this is how I got through to where I am now: delivered from a host of things including depression and I'm NOT going back there!

The Word that I spoke in those dark times has brought me so much farther than I could have imagined! The tears I cried did their work in softening my heart to enable me to take in more of His Word. I turned to the only place I knew to go when my heart was broken, or when I was afraid, or when I was alone; the Bible. 

God used the dark night of the soul back then to cause me to get into His Word more, because He knew it is LIFE. He knew it would be the source of getting me to the next level.

He also knew I would need to be encouraged TODAY and would be able to read what He has done in my life and how far I've come. 

He knew I would STAND on His Word and be FREE! 

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

What Really Matters

As I have mentioned on here before, I've been de-cluttering and minimizing the stuff I have been holding on to. One time it may be sorting through a box of pictures; another time it might be as simple as cleaning out my sock drawer. This past Saturday, though, the organizing project was one I had been putting off because I dreaded it, but I really felt like it was the day for it.

These were boxes of memorabilia from my life before the divorce, going all the way back to childhood; boxes I had tried to go through unsuccessfully about 5 years ago. I was in a precarious place emotionally back then, due to emotional baggage that I had never dealt with. I just wasn't healed enough yet. Some of my parents' stuff was in those boxes, and even though my mother had been gone 15 years and my dad almost 30 years at that time, I wasn't prepared to face it. I hastily packed it all back up and stashed in the back of the closet, far out of sight and hopefully, out of mind.

By doing this I pushed the pain down into a corner of my heart, so to speak. It was out of sight and mind, but it was affecting me much more than I realized. I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I have learned from experience that raw emotions and hurts that are not brought to the Lord will eventually infect every part of the soul. Depression fueled by rejection, shame, and feelings of worthlessness was just beneath the surface all the time.

Thankfully, later  that year God miraculously set me free from that darkness and pain in my heart and I am forever changed. Still, I was a little hesitant to open those boxes, much less throw away or donate some of it. I knew it was time, though.

So I opened the closet and pulled those boxes out. There were the childhood memories, such as my Girl Scout sash and pins, various pictures and clippings from my childhood; and even some 45 records. There were mementos that represented my parents' lives. The items so painful to see that I had pushed them out of my sight for 5 years. Pathetic, I know, but this is what the enemy specializes in. Remember, he comes to "steal, kill, and destroy." He tried to destroy me but he was not successful, praise the Lord!

I'm not sure what I expected to feel upon seeing my mom and dad's treasured items again. One would probably expect to cry, or feel extreme sadness, but something very different happened. I felt joy. I felt relief. There was a release from the past and the hold it had over me. I was surprised but happy to finally be able to face the past; to hold in my hands mementos like a tiny American flag pin that my mother liked to wear on patriotic holidays. 

Looking through the boxes I found it difficult to believe that I had actually been afraid of this. It seemed silly to me that I would find it painful to see and hold these things again. I have now realized all these years later that I didn't lose my parents. I know where they are, and I know I will see them again one day. It was hard to accept back then, though, and I obsessed for way too long over the fact that I was the only survivor of my immediate family I grew up in. 

The rationale of the preceding paragraph is from the perspective of a delivered, free believer. Jesus has broken the chains I once dragged around. The reason I can see it so clearly now is because of the redeeming work that Christ has done in my heart. 

There is no way I could have ever untangled the mess that my life was in. One of the pictures I have attached is of several pieces of jewelry that were hopelessly knotted together. I tried for over half an hour to salvage the wooden cross necklace, the one piece in all that mess I really wanted to keep. Then it hit me that this was a perfect analogy of the cross. Only Jesus can set us free. When it's all said and done, only the cross of Christ matters. Because of the cross I am free!

I found it so ironic that same items that the Lord had given me the grace to box up in 1996 all by myself I was now going through again all by myself. It had caused me so much grief and pain for so many years. Just like He always does, though, He gave me the grace and ability to go through those boxes and throw away or put in the box to donate what I didn't need anymore. As a bonus (or maybe it was the whole reason all along?) I got a lesson in what really matters.

He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed. 1 Peter 2:24 NLT

Cast Your Cares

Have you ever had your heart broken, your spirit crushed? Have you felt like you were rejected, damaged, and broken beyond repair? I'm sure most of you have at some time or another had some heartbreak. Pain is a reminder that we live in a fallen world. None of us is exempt, but Jesus has the cure for the pain.

 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7 NLT

I'm not proud of the broken life I used to live, but God is using what the enemy meant for evil to do good. I am sometimes led to share some of it.

During prayer recently I was reminded of a time many years ago in my life when I was in one of those very painful places. Life had dealt me a series of hard blows, leaving me as a broken, damaged version of who God had created me to be. My heart had been broken into a million pieces and I was crushed emotionally. God has done a miraculous work in my life and I am completely healed from all that emotional damage, praise the Lord! But I'm feeling drawn to write about it, so here I am. 

I was a mess, but because of the Lord's redeeming love He has delivered me and set me free so well that before I could write this blog I literally had to look it up in my journal because I couldn't remember the details. Thank GOD I can't remember it! This is a testimony of His awesome, redeeming power and love. 

My journals are written in many volumes, spanning the last 22 years since my walk with Jesus began in 1994. They record the details of the journey and I feel strongly that I am supposed to keep them so others can benefit from hearing about what God has done for me. I don't live there anymore, though, and seldom go back into those darker volumes unless I feel led to do so. God gives me grace to read portions without being negatively affected, but He also gives me the sense to leave the past in the past.

Because of my fragile and broken emotions, I was easily hurt over small things. But if something substantial came along that was bad enough to knock even an emotionally stable person down, it was devastating to me. This is about one of those times where an incident hurt me very badly.

After the incident I was to the point emotionally that I had actually become sick physically. I couldn’t eat. For days, I had no appetite.  I ate next to nothing, only then because I felt like the Lord told me to eat.  So I did, but almost got sick. Grief consumed me.  I was functioning a little, sort of on “auto-pilot;” but I wanted to die. I cried out to the Lord repeatedly to help me, because I knew He was my only hope. 

Then one morning during my prayer time something happened. Looking back, I know it was the Lord. Suddenly, for about a ½ second, there was a brightness (I had my eyes closed, but it felt like a light was directed toward me).  Then, I felt the presence of Jesus.  First, His hands were on my head, and then He touched my heart.  For just an instant, it was heavy, like a weight was on it.  I had a cramping sensation in my stomach, like a resistance.  Then it was just GONE. The grief, pain—ALL GONE!!!  My heart was light.  I remember Him saying as He touched me, “you can’t bear this, so I am taking it.”  He took my pain!!!

I have never been the same since that day. I still had some emotional stuff to work through, but the incident that had caused me so much grief and heartache in that particular situation has never bothered me again. I have completely forgiven those who hurt me. I am completely free of the pain.  I don't think about it. I don't worry about it. Its power to hurt me has been neutralized.

If you identify with this at all and are having a struggle emotionally, take heart. You are not alone, and you aren't the only one who has ever felt the stinging pain that is so prevalent in our broken world. Do not believe the lies that the devil is telling you that you are too much a mess, that you are unlovable, or you have passed the point of being able to be redeemed by God. The devil is a LIAR.

God will do for you what He did for me. You have His Word on it.

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken. Psalm 55:22 NIV

22 

Are the Crickets Chirping?

Tonight, I find myself meditating on Psalm 40, verses 1-3:

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry." 

Really? You might be thinking that you seem to still be stuck and nothing seems to have changed when you cried out to the Lord.

Basically, it's crickets chirping. 

If you don't get that, I'm sorry. Truly. 

Well, the reasons for His silence are numerous, and none of us knows the mind of God and can figure out the exact plans He has for us. When we cry out to God, we don't understand why He doesn't drop everything and deliver us from the mess we're in. Does He not care about our dilemma?

Yes. Yes, He does. It's entirely possible that it's because He cares that He seems to delay so long to rescue us. I believe that while He does forgive our sins immediately when we ask Him to, sometimes the circumstances in which we find ourselves don't change right away. 

Maybe He is taking time to set up the new place in life where He wants us.

Perhaps He wants us to get closer to Him and He uses our painful situation to refine us a little.

Quite possibly, if we had exactly what we want when we think we need it, we would destroy ourselves. 

Don't say it can't happen. We do that, you know. All the time. At least, I know I have. Years ago, my life was a complete shambles and at times didn't think I would make it.  

If we take matters into our own hands instead of waiting for God to work out and orchestrate the details of our lives, eventually we can find ourselves in a real mess. We have to learn to wait on His timing, His plan, His way. He really does know what's best for us. 

After a while, when we wait on Him, we find ourselves saying

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

Wow! One day, we look around us and find ourselves out of the pit we were in. How did we get here? Without really knowing the details of how it happened, when we wait on God and continue to climb and follow where He leads we find ourselves proclaiming

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him."

When we give ourselves fully to God's ways and plans, He will bring us out and our lives will become a testimony to His goodness, grace, and mercy.

This may or may not be the most encouraging post I have ever written, but I believe it's truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it also heals.

So, be blessed. God loves you and wants you to be all that He created you to be. Let Him lead and you won't be sorry.

That's all tonight, folks. 

Restoration!

Someone told me a few weeks ago that they had no idea I had ever been depressed. They have only known me a few years, and it was surprising to them to learn about what I have been through.  It encourages me to hear that, because it's a testimony to the amazing work God has done and is still doing in me. I never want anyone to think I take credit for turning my life around. God gets all the glory for that! If not for Him and His miraculous hand in my life, I have no doubt I would not have made it.

Spiritually, the depression I was in made me feel like I was wandering in the wilderness, and everything was shrouded in fog. I couldn't see which way to go, and I ended up clinging to the people who tried to help me out of kindness and love. I needed to know I was loved and accepted so badly. I was desperate for it.

One of the most painful parts of the wilderness was the way that the songs I listened to and loved during that time became associated with pain. Maybe this doesn't happen to you; I hope not. But so much of the way God speaks to me and ministers to me is through music.

For several years before, during, and following my divorce in 1997, I wandered. I had accepted Jesus, and was following Him but I didn't really know how to accept the healing He wanted to give me. There was a lot of rejection and loneliness in those days, and my solace was music. Friends gave me CDs and I would listen to them over and over.

A lot of negative stuff happened during these years, including drama involving people, churches, and even some family members. Some of it was real rejection, and some was only perceived to be rejection because of the tormenting pain in my heart that distorted the truth. In 2003 I hit rock bottom and God finally had my full attention--because He was all I had left. This was one of the best things that could have happened, though I thought it was going to kill me at the time. I did not want to be in this pain, and I fought it. I finally took the hand He had been offering me for so many years, though, and let Him pull me up out of the pit I was in emotionally.

The healing started that year, but because my emotions were such a wreck, or the depression so deep--who knows?--it took a while for God to bring me out of all that. Slowly, I started to change from the inside out, but I still had a ways to go.

The music? Oh, I'm getting there. In the years following the wilderness time, I discovered that when I heard any of that music from those years I would be repulsed by it. Sometimes I would even have physical pain, like a knife in my stomach. It was such a powerful reminder of those horrible years. You see, it wasn't just me that was being hurt while I was in the wilderness. I did my share of hurling damaging words at people I loved, and it broke my heart that I had wounded the ones I loved the most. I quit writing for a long time because I had used my gift of writing to hurt others, even though that wasn't my intention at the time.

Over time, the music I had listened to became synonymous with pain. Music God intended to be healing and soothing became a painful reminder of where I had been, whom I had hurt, and the shame I bore because of it.

Years went by; I gained victory over some things but not others and went through some ups and downs. Then God started some purifying in me - known in Christian circles as a refining fire - beginning in early 2011 and again I was broken-hearted. Unlike the time before, though, I knew what He was doing and why. So even though I was broken, and it was painful, I embraced it. I knew it had to be this way, that He was ready to deliver me from the bondage and chains of depression, rejection, and need for affirmation from others. I wanted God to heal me and I gave myself over to Him willingly. At this point, I finally started going for counseling.

Let me just say right here that there is no shame in getting counseling if you need it. Christians can have depression, anxiety, and a lot of other problems that sometimes require counseling to work through. I sought out Christian counselors who both counseled and prayed with me. If you need counseling, I strongly urge you to get it.

Finally, I had a major breakthrough in 2012, and soon after became aware that things were different. I felt different, my outlook was different, my relationships were different. I realized that I was not the same person as I had been. I had come to know Jesus in a much deeper way, and I realized that my identity was in Him. He was the Lord of my life and He supplied my every need. Affirmation came from Him and His word. It was amazing when I finally grasped that.

But even though I was walking free from those chains, the music I had loved still hurt. I decided that maybe I would always have to avoid those artists and songs from that era, but at least I was free. But God had another plan.

The music came back to me in an unusual way. One of the most enjoyable things I have done in the last year is reorganize photo albums from way before my time through my high school graduation. As I blogged in another post, major chains fell off spiritually during this process:

<http://debbiev120.blogspot.com/2016/07/perception-problems.html> 

As I said in that other post, not only did God redeem my past in photos, I was led to listen to all the old, painful music. Gospel music from my teen years came back first. I found myself singing a song from long ago and would have to find it and listen to it. Then, one day out of the blue, the music from the painful wilderness years was finally given back to me. All while I was working on the photos. He gave me back the music I had loved, because He delights in me. 

Today, I can truly say that God has restored what the locusts had eaten. I'm still a work in progress, but I can listen to all that great music again! The root of rejection has been removed once and for all. Praise the Lord! It was hard to allow Him to do what He needed to do to heal me and set me free, but SO WORTH IT!

The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you." Joel 2:25 NLT

https://youtu.be/eqgiNtrRMJU

Perception Problems

I've been going through old photos while listening to old music. Sounds funny, I know, but it's what I have been up to lately.

I've been in a season for the last 8-12 months or so. I can't really remember exactly when I entered this valley I've been in, but it's been at least that long. Maybe a little longer. It's not been a comfortable place to be, which is the case with most valley experiences.

A sadness started to develop in me from dwelling on the fact that all 3 of my children live away from this area. The closest is 3 1/2 hours, and thankfully that is the one who has the grandchildren. The other 2 are nine hours and twelve (or so) hours away by car. I could get there faster by flying, but it's too expensive.

Consequently, I don't see my children often.

So, I was feeling really down, and I sought the Lord for answers. He is the only one who knows why He moved them so far away, after all. So I had questions, and I know He had answers. He just didn't choose to reveal those answers right away. All communication seemed to be one-way--me to Him--although I knew He was right there.

He was just so silent.

I prayed and talked to God every day, and did what I know to do. I prayed for my family and for those He put on my heart. I read my daily Bible reading. I went to church. I had praise and worship music on a good bit of the time.

Meanwhile, I had stopped working on pictures back at the start of this valley when it got too painful, back when I was only working with pictures of my early childhood. Off and on in the last couple of years I have worked on them, more out of a sense of obligation than joy. I am, after all, the family historian by default. My mom, dad, and brother passed away many years ago, so it's up to me. My children are going to inherit all these pictures from our heritage someday, and I want them to know who these people are. Since my parents were terrible at writing on the backs of photos, I had to organize them and write captions to identify people and times.

Slowly, over the course of the last couple of months, I began to have a longing to go through the old pictures again. Simultaneously, I was drawn to Southern Gospel music from my childhood and teen years.

What?!?

It made no sense to me, because I never liked that type of music, even when it was all there was in the Christian music world. I was the rebel that, once I discovered her, listened to Reba Rambo in the 70s in spite of my brother's protests that I would go to hell for listening to Christian rock. He was halfway kidding. I think.

So, I walked away from all that type of music 25 years ago and never looked back. I discovered contemporary Christian and Vineyard worship music in the 90s. It is still my preference, I might add.

But I digress. Back to the longing to work on pictures and listen to old music. I listened to my Pandora playlists and looked up music on YouTube to access the music I wanted to find, all while working on the pictures.  The two seemed to go together.

It was like the train wreck that you can't stop looking at. I didn't want to listen to that old music, but at the same time, I was drawn to it. I didn't think I could handle seeing all those old pictures of my childhood, because it was just a reminder to me of how alone I was. However, day after day when I came in from work, I would drift into the spare room where I had the boxes of pictures and scrap-booking supplies. An hour here and there, and before I knew it I was into the grade school pictures of my childhood.

A funny thing happened as I listened to old music and looked at old pictures. God was healing me from the inside out. There were wounds from childhood and teen years that I didn't even know about. I had buried them so deeply that I seemed to forget, until I saw a picture or heard a song that triggered a bad or painful memory. This has gone on for weeks now, and as of today, I'm working on pictures from my senior year in high school.

God has redeemed my past -- pictures and music -- in the marvelous fashion that He manages to do while we are tempted to think He isn't paying attention. The music I thought I hated has grown on me. It's still not my favorite, but I can endure it now because as I looked at those pictures with that music playing, He restored my soul in that area. He has attached new memories for the music and the pictures in place of the bad ones by causing me to remember something happy about each section of my life.

I still don't understand how He did it, but it all came into focus a few nights ago. I found I was listening to a mixture of gospel, contemporary Christian, and Vineyard/Hillsong worship music and singing along as I journaled captions about the pictures I am putting in a scrapbook.

I have my joy back! I realized tonight that I am no longer doing this out of obligation; I can't wait to get back to work on these albums! God has downloaded the skill into me to do this and given me a passion for it.

So, nothing has really changed in my life, but now I see it through a different lens. God has miraculously altered my perception in several areas:

Instead of feeling alone and abandoned, I now choose to remember that I have many ways to keep in touch with my kids. The internet is a fabulous tool. I am thankful that I have children and grandchildren, and I proud that they are fulfilling God's purpose for their lives. I still don't know why they all live so far away, but God has a purpose for it, and He has given me grace to bear it. I am blessed.

Instead of feeling slighted by God because I grew up like an only child, since my brother was grown and out of the house by the time I was old enough to begin to know I even had a brother, I choose to remember that He has given me very dear friends who have become sisters and brothers, and as a bonus, I now have nieces and nephews. I am blessed.

Instead of feeling obligated to be family historian, I now choose to see it as a privilege that God allows me to record all the facts and history and I get to journal about the pictures so there is a story told through them! We all know how much I love to write!  I am blessed.

If you're struggling with sadness or feeling alone and abandoned, take heart. God can and will fix that. You just have to give it to Him. He will take it from there. 

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16 NIV

Remembering Not to Fear

A while back, Facebook initiated the practice of giving us glimpses of posts from years ago.  I usually enjoy seeing these, though I rarely re-post them.  I am content to reminisce and move on.

Tonight though, something from 2007 caught my eye.  I hadn't started this blog yet, I had barely ventured away from MySpace (yes!  I had one!), but Facebook had a Notes feature--do they still have this?  I don't know. So many changes in the social media world in the last 7 or 8 years.  Anyway, I had a minor breakthrough and had to shout it from the rooftops, or post it in a note on Facebook.  Same effect, right?  

Here is the note in its entirety.  I was less wordy in those days I guess.

to fear or not to fear

September 8, 2007 at 6:40pm

When something happens that is obviously a scare tactic of the devil, I usually run and hide. I have dreams and panic attacks, and I am generally unsettled inside for days or even weeks. The spirit of fear has had a chokehold on me for most of my life. I know in my head that it's the devil, and I know in my head that God is in control. Knowing something in your head is not the same as knowing it in your heart, though.

Earlier this week something happened that really upset me. Immediately, I knew it was an attack and an attempt to scare me and it made me MAD! For the first time, my first thought wasn't one of fear and panic. My first thought was "no weapon that is formed against me shall prosper." (Isaiah 54:17)

That day for the first time, I knew in my heart that it was a fear tactic! I suddenly knew that the devil had no power over me because I am a blood-bought child of God. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you that every tongue that accuses me you will condemn! Today, You have opened the eyes of my heart and allowed me to see the truth--and be FREE! Darkness cannot last in the presence of the Light of the World. Fear has been exposed, and is now defeated.

Today, eight years later, I'm thankful for victories both large and small. Although, is any victory really small when it's yours?  This impacted me so much I had to share it with the world, even though I don't even remember what it was that upset me so much.  It doesn't matter.  God used it to open my eyes to a spiritual truth that had long evaded me. 

I still get afraid at times, but I turned a corner that day. I respond to it differently these days.  I know God's promises, like the ones in Psalm 91, are true. I choose to stand on them.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!”  Psalm 91:1,2. NASB

No More Chains

This is a very long post that I have prayed over a lot. I have made it as concise as I could, but this is like a fire shut up in my bones. I didn't sleep much last night because I had written this in my journal but not posted it. I finally came to the conclusion that I cannot keep this inside if even one person will benefit from it. So here is a portion of last night's journal entry: 

Over the last few years, the Lord has been peeling away layers of my heart, like layers of an onion. At times this can be painful, but most of the time I’m just amazed that I am seeing glimpses of “the real me,” instead of the façade that I have hidden behind most of my life. I'm just as surprised as everyone else; I had no idea who I was, either.

In the last couple of years or so I have learned a lot about myself.  For instance, I now know that I am an introvert.  I am much happier alone or with a few I am close to than in a crowd. I have to have my alone time to rest and recharge. Being around large groups of people is exhausting and drains all the energy out of me as a rule. I am ok with being with close friends and family to an extent, but even with them I find I have to be alone after a while.

I’ve been reading old journals; some from over 20 years ago, and some from recent years. I have found a common thread throughout: I discovered that I had severe emotional damage up until about 3 or so years ago. It is suddenly so clear to me, and was quite a revelation to me, though I'm sure those close to me knew it long ago. I was desperately needy, and always seeking to have that need filled by various people. I’m not even going to try and analyze why I became that way. God knows; and if He wants me to know, He will show me. If it is better that I not know, I’m ok with that.

One of the characteristics I developed as a child and teenager is embarrassing to admit, but I can tell it now because I am totally delivered from it. I became very much in need of approval and affirmation. It was revealed to me as I prayed and sought the Lord that I was an attention seeker.  Some emotionally damaged children seek attention in any way they can get it because they are so neglected and so starved for love and acceptance.  Sometimes the attention is in the form of discipline, but it seems that they would prefer negative attention to no attention.

I was not one of those who did bad things to get attention, though; at least not openly bad.  I didn’t break things, or steal, or intentionally try to hurt others.  The destruction I rendered was to myself.  I turned my insecurities inward and became my own worst enemy. I constantly berated myself inwardly for things about myself in which I didn’t feel I measured up to the standard I had set for myself. 

As I said before, I’m not into analyzing why I became self-loathing and critical of myself, but I do have a theory. It all came into focus in my time with the Lord last night. I believe it was a generational curse intended to destroy me. This was mentioned by a Christian counselor I went to for a while a few years back, and I knew when they said it they were right.  I have renounced this curse in the name of Jesus, and I am free from it. However, God is still cleaning up the damage left in its wake.

I used to be so focused on everything that was wrong in my life that if I happened to open up to a friend on occasion, afterward I would hate myself for being such a pain. It became a vicious cycle, and it constantly fed the ever-growing chasm in my heart that the insecurities of feeling insignificant and unloved had made. After I shared my heart with someone I would hate myself and became convinced I had made the listener angry or not love me anymore.  On and on and on, ad nausem.

Most of my friends from childhood had no idea I was such an emotional wreck because I was very good at hiding my true feelings. I'm sure I didn't even know I was doing it or that I had emotional problems, but I didn't let very many close enough to me to discover it.

I went along like this until I met my husband when I was 17.  For a while, things were much better.  I loved him, and he made me feel good about myself because he claimed to love me. Of course, it wasn’t long until I began to doubt that he really did, and I proceeded to try his patience with me like I had with the few friends I had let close to me.

He wasn’t without emotional damage himself, though. He was an imperfect human being just as I was. He did love me as much as he knew how, but he was only human. No human can fill the void that is intended for God, no matter who they are or how much they love us.  So we were like two damaged souls trying to find the light switch in a dark room.  Neither of us knew where it was, and we kept hurting each other while trying to find it. 

I remember a specific time in the first year of our marriage where we had been arguing about something.  I don’t remember what the argument was about, but I do remember crying and running down the hall to the bathroom hoping that he would come and comfort me and tell me it was all going to be ok.

He never came. I needed a knight in shining armor on a white horse, but he was just as broken as I was.  This event set the tone for our entire relationship.  I can see so clearly now that we both just needed Jesus.  At least, I know I did. I can't say for sure about him.

I found out about the grace and forgiveness that Jesus offers when I was in my late 30s.  By this time, we had 3 children entering their teenage years and our marriage was teetering on a precipice of fear and insecurities that we had lived on for so many years. This pattern I was into of setting up anyone who loved me to not be there for me, which I perceived as proof they didn’t love me repeated itself over and over until God finally opened my eyes to what was happening.

One morning I was all alone in the house, and the pain in my heart became so intense I could stand it no more. I had been attending a church for over a year that taught about the saving grace of Jesus, and all that Word that had been planted in me finally broke through my crusty, hard heart. I gave my heart to Jesus on October 31, 1994 in a broken, sobbing mass of tears on my living room floor. My life began to turn around, but it was many years and heartbreaks later that I began to see and experience the chains actually falling off.  

There was so much damage and so little trust and respect in our marriage that we eventually divorced in 1997. That was a very dark time in both of our lives.  God mercifully intervened into our lives and it appears that my ex is now a Christian, too.  He remarried years ago and seems to be happy now.  I am truly happy for him.

I am a different person today than I was even 3 years ago, thanks to the miraculous and healing touch of Jesus in my life.  Even though I gave my heart to Jesus 20 years ago, the healing is a process; it didn’t happen overnight. I know now what I did when I set people up to dump me; I was only repeating the pattern that had been established in my family line many generations earlier.  I am so thankful that the blood of Jesus breaks that curse and those chains of emotional damage have fallen off.

Jesus is my Savior; He is my Knight in shining armor who rescued me on that day 20 years ago when I cried out for Him to save me and help me.  He always ALWAYS comes to my aid when I am hurting.  He meets me at the very point of my need; He picks me up and holds me until I am reassured that He does love me and always will and He will never, EVER forsake me.


Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 NASB