Just When You Least Expect It

Well, after 3 1/2 years, it finally happened...I got Covid. I took every precaution, at least until very recently. I had the first two Covid vaccines and 2 boosters. I am up to date on all that, and yet here we are. 

So, in spite of a positive test this week, I'm doing much, much better and am almost back to normal. 

I don't have any idea where I was exposed. Friday and Saturday, I had been to Walmart, and to a local restaurant. I really don't get out much. I'll probably never know where I was exposed to the virus.

The weekend was normal for the most part, but Sunday night I started to get a sore throat and slight headache. I checked my temperature and by bedtime it was about 98.7, which is close to normal for most people. I went to bed thinking it would be ok in the morning. Allergies, right?

Monday morning my throat was still sore and my temp was 99.2. Still not a high fever, but definitely not normal, either. So after I got dressed I reluctantly went to Walmart (being careful to wear a mask into the store) in search of Covid tests.

There were none. The pharmacist said they had put out a new shipment on the shelf that morning and they were all gone within an hour.

There's really no other option for tests in this town; there's only one Walmart. There is a Walgreen's, and other pharmacies of course, but I had heard that cases were up in the area so I figured they were probably out as well. So I headed for the walk-in clinic. I felt it was the best option; after all, I had a sore throat and slight headache. I didn't really feel that well. Plus, if I was contagious, I didn't need to be going all over town.

After a short wait, I was called back and tested for strep and Covid. And the winner was: COVID.

I was truly shocked. I had really thought I would "out-run" this virus. I still carry hand sanitizer in my car and use it after every visit to a store. I usually try to shop in off peak hours to avoid crowds. I had all the vaccines. Still, it finally caught up with me. I tried my best to stay out of its way, but it caught me anyway. 

I lamented to the doctor who broke the news to me, (who very wisely stayed all the way over by the door and wore her mask) that I had really thought I'd never get it, but I had let my guard down some recently by not wearing a mask anymore, even after I had heard that cases were up in the area. She consoled me by telling me that eventually everyone would probably get it, and that most people lately were having mild cases.

She told me to go home and quarantine until September 3. On that day and the following 5 days, I could be around people by wearing a mask.

Of course I did some research. This latest variant is more contagious and the incubation period is shorter--about 3.5 days according to latest data. But the consolation is that it's milder and lasts only about 5 days. 

So, I tested positive on Monday and it's now Thursday, day four. I am so thankful to have had a mild case. In earlier days of the virus, I lost friends to Covid. I knew it could be brutal.

By the grace of God, I have gone through the various stages pretty quickly.

Monday--sore throat and low-grade fever.

Tuesday--no more sore throat but a raging headache and temperature of 101.5 (my worst day). 

Wednesday--My headache was gone and temp was down to the low 99s, with a hacking dry cough. I lost taste and smell, mostly; I could smell some things and not others.

Today, Thursday--no fever since last night and the dry cough is gone, too. I have a productive cough that is diminishing as the day progresses. I still have diminished taste and smell. I'm hopeful that those will come back.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have prayed for me. I have felt your prayers. God has been right beside me every minute, as He always is.

To my friends back home in the Van Buren area: Sorry I didn't let you know. It kind of blindsided me to be honest. I am almost myself again and as Buddy said on Night Court (iykyk), "I'm feeling much better now!" 

GOD is GOOD. All the time. He sustains me; He is healing me as I type this.

Please take precautions, friends. Covid is still out there, and apparently cases are on the rise with the new variant. 

I leave you with this: Three days out of 4 this week my little daily calendar that has an encouragement or scripture has said things pertaining to our lives being exactly as long as God means them to be. I don't think it's a coincidence. He knows I have lost friends to this virus and was a little scared of it. 

"All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old." Psalm 139:16 NCV

Blessings and love, my friends! <3

From Glory to Glory

I skimmed through old journals tonight. What an eye-opener!

I had gone back though them 8 or 9 years ago in much the same way, when I typed them into Word documents. As I typed, I put in little notes like "I was very spiritually immature in those days" or "my focus was all wrong back then." Then I proceeded to impart, in the "editing notes," with all the wisdom and insight that hindsight gives to a person ten years in the future how much better I am today. 

This made me chuckle. Of course I can see the folly of my ways 10 or 20 years later. Anyone can look at something they wrote eighteen years ago and feel superior to that foolish, immature, baby Christian.

This is one of the reasons I journal. I want to remember the good things in my life, and I am thankful for how far God has brought me, even though I cringe at some of the things I thought God was saying to me. I really do know more who I am in Christ these days than I did in 2001. However, the main reason I have to write it all down is so that I don't forget the miraculous things God has done for me.

This is how I encourage myself in the Lord. In the dark times, when I feel like I have nothing to say that is blog-worthy, I can read and remember the times that God provided an absolute miracle for me and be encouraged. 

My heart is a little lighter when I am reminded that God touched me in my prayer closet once many years ago when my heart was consumed with grief over a devastating loss and He healed my broken heart on the spot. I was still hurting for a while, but I had hope and was able to function again after that very real and miraculous encounter.

It gives me the strength to keep going when I read that God was still faithful to provide for me even when I wasn't being a particularly good or wise steward of His blessings at the time. I can see that I struggled back then and got through it, so I know I will this time, too.

I read about the times my children, grandchildren, and very dear friends who have become family to me were together and I am thankful they are in my life. We may be far apart geographically, but in our hearts we are next door neighbors. I truly believe that distance doesn't have to effect deep relationships of the heart. We can choose to hold those dear to us in our hearts whether we see them daily or once a year. It's just like no time has passed when we do see each other again, because God has connected our hearts.

Reading tonight, I was reminded that in ten years I will most likely feel the same way about the journal entries I am writing this year as I did about the ones from a decade ago. I will snicker and roll my eyes and think "how spiritually immature I was!"

That's just the way it is, though. We are not staying the same; we who are in Christ are going from glory to glory:

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into His image with intensifying glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:17-18, Berean Study Bible 

Looking back through old writings every once in a while is beneficial to me because it reminds me of the wonderful things God has done for me. I might try to rationalize them all these years later and downplay their importance and validity, had I not written all about them in my journal.

Also, even though I read about some of my past and shudder at how silly and inexperienced I was in my Christian walk, it encourages me to know that I have grown up a little. God is at work in me, changing me and transforming me, one day at a time.

When Worry and Anxiety Come

"Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?" Luke 12:24-26 New Living Translation (NLT)

Just days after my last post, Hurricane Harvey slammed into the coast of Texas. For about a week previously I had been watching the weather closer than I normally would, for you see, I have family in Houston. Very close, very dear family; my youngest son and his wife live there. Sure, they are no longer children, of course, but as any mother will tell you, your babies are always your babies, no matter how old they are, no matter that they have been grown and on their own for many years.

When it became clear that Harvey was indeed heading for Houston, I hit my knees, and enlisted my brothers and sisters in Christ to agree with me in prayer. We prayed protection over not only my family but the entire area.

Thursday evening, I texted them to see how they were. I asked if they were evacuating, and they said no, they were on high ground and had supplies.

Friday the hurricane made landfall, southwest of them in Corpus Christi. I checked in on them that evening and was told it was raining a little, "really more drizzly than anything." They had gone for a walk. Life was still fairly normal. They were prepared to evacuate if it became mandatory, but were optimistic that they could ride it out.

At this time, we didn't know that the hurricane would stall out and sit over them for days, dumping tons of water and flooding many areas of the city.

For 5 or 6 days, I texted my son and daughter-in-law about twice a day. Each time, they were fine. Even though it rained, and rained, and rained. By Sunday evening, it was still raining there but my family was still high and dry. I had been praying all along and giving them to God, but I was still nervous and worried about them. I was doing my best to trust Him, but it was so hard.

Then it all changed. A peace settled over me as was praying that evening. It began to sink in what was going on: God had directed them to the exact area of the city to live in when they first moved there several years ago. He knew this was coming, but He took care of them. 

This is one of the times I can honestly say I experienced what Paul talks about when he said:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6,7. NASB

I like the way the New American Standard phrases this passage; "Peace that passes all comprehension will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus..." We can't even comprehend it; we can't get our minds around how He can do that, but He does.

That's exactly what happened. God's peace just enveloped me; it settled over me like a warm blanket on a cold day. Even though I was still praying and still checked in on them, I was not worried anymore. It continued to rain until about Wednesday, but I remained calm.

I know many people were flooded out of their homes; some lost everything. My heart goes out to them. I do not begin to understand why some were flooded and some were not; I just know that God spared my family. They stayed above the flood waters the entire time and even kept electricity. I do not believe it was by chance.

I believe my God heard and answered our prayers, and I wanted to testify to His goodness and mercy. 

"Now to our God and Father be the glory forever and ever. Amen." Philippians 4:20 NASB

Still Standing

God can and does speak to us all the time, in many different ways. We just have be listening and watching. He showed me something awesome this morning in a thunderstorm. First though, I have to give some background on my experience with storms.

I grew up on the edge of tornado alley, so thunderstorms and tornadoes have always been in my life. I never really noticed them until the spring of 1996 when an F3 tornado came tearing through my town and left a 1/2 mile wide path of destruction for several miles. My house was in the direct path, but God spared the lives of my family and our house. We just lost trees, a storage building, and were without electricity for 3 days.

Ever since that night in 1996 I've had a healthy respect for severe thunderstorms, especially those that have the potential to produce tornadoes.

Recently, I've had some wind damage on my property. Two years ago, strong straight line winds took out a tree, causing it to fall and rip the electric meter completely off my house! Three months later, another storm blew another tree down and pulled the wires loose from my electric meter again! At least the second time it didn't cost me anything. The electric company was able to reconnect the wires since the meter was not damaged this time.

Last spring, I got caught in a hail storm with no where to go and had to drive home in it. I had damage to my car and had to pay the deductible to get it fixed.

So, forgive me if I'm a little jumpy when it's storm season. I have good reason to be.

This morning I overslept. I awoke at 8:00 am to the sound of my cat meowing loudly. She was very impatiently telling me that her bowl was empty and she was at death's door.

Ok, that was a joke! For those of you who do NOT know my cat, she isn't about to starve any time soon. She weighs 17 pounds.

After I fed the starving cat, I got ready for church in a hurry. Since I was running late I didn't even turn on the TV. I usually have the news on while I'm getting ready in the mornings.

In 35 minutes I was out the door and in my car. It occurred to me that it was really dark outside for 8:40, but I went on anyway, headed for church.

As I left my neighborhood, which is in a forest that completely obscures the sky, I topped the hill and saw the northwest sky for the first time. It was a completely black wall cloud, and it was bearing down on my town. I contemplated trying to go on toward church, which is 12 miles southwest of there, but I knew I could never beat it. I wasn't afraid at that point, but I also did not want to drive in a severe, hail-producing thunderstorm. I feel like wisdom was telling me to go back to my house and wait until that cloud passed. I would just go to the 10:45 service instead of the early one.

I drove around the block at the next corner and calmly drove back to my house. I parked my car under the carport and went into my house, just as the first gusts of wind and drops of rain arrived.

Once in the house, I turned on the TV and was relieved to see commercials. Anyone in tornado country knows that the weather is the top story when it is really severe, and they don't even break for commercials. You can laugh if you want, but it's true.

Soon, the weatherman was showing the storm on the radar, just as it was arriving outside. It was merely a thunderstorm but it had potential for hail. Since I didn't want to risk hail damage on my car again, I was glad I had come back home.

I had relaxed when I saw it was mostly a lot of rain, so I was not prepared for what happened next. I was sitting on my couch, looking out my front window at the storm. My very large pecan tree in front of my house was thrashing about violently in the wind. We're not talking about a sapling; this is a mature tree, taller than the 2 story house next door. Its trunk is so large I can't wrap my arms around it. Several times, it appeared that a branch would break off the tree. The limbs almost touched the ground two or three times. All the trees in the neighborhood were being tossed around in the wind, but this one right in front of my house caught my attention.

I really wish I had thought to record this but it was so surprising and I was

doing a lot of praying at the time.

After about 15 or 20 minutes the wind started to subside. I stared in amazement at that tree. It was still standing! Not only was it still standing, it had not lost one limb. Not one.

As I continued to look at the tree, I heard the still small voice reassuring me that just as this tree was tossed about in the wind, yet did not break, so would I feel tossed in the storms of life at times, but I WOULD NOT BREAK.

God has made nature to be resilient. Trees can withstand a lot of wind without suffering any damage. He also made us, and when we put our faith in Him and trust in Him to get us through the storms of life, He will.

Lately, I have struggled with just that, one of the "storms of life." Over the years, I have suffered the loss of loved ones, financial loss, and physical sickness and pain. I have been through major depression. I have walked through intense emotional pain and had my heart broken so badly, I didn't think I could survive it. You name it, I've been through it. I'm sure we all have had our share of "storms" of this nature.

However, though I have suffered through many storms over the years as I walk with the Lord, each time He has brought me through. Just like the pecan tree, I'm still standing. This morning, He timed a thunderstorm just right so that He could reassure me that He would get me through this storm that I am presently in. 

I'm encouraged by this, because with every new "storm" or battle, there is growth. Praise the Lord! I will come out on the other side of this with a new level of freedom. He is breaking off some more chains!

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.  Psalm 91:1-2 (NLT)

Blessings in Disguise

I gave a testimony at church recently about something good God did for me, but ever since that night I've been wishing I had said some things I didn't say. Something about the whole church suddenly listening to me makes me nervous. So, what I said was praising God for taking care of me, but I didn't give some very important details. How I wish I had a platform for expounding on my testimony....Oh wait!  I guess that what a blog is for.

A few weeks ago I noticed a piece of metal in my front driver's side tire. I didn't try to remove it because I've learned from experience that sometimes that's what is holding the air in. So even though the tire never did go down any, I took my car in to the dealership where I bought it because it's under warranty. I was annoyed thinking that maybe I might have to buy a tire.

After about 30 minutes the mechanic came and got me and told me there was a problem. It seems the coolant hose had a leak in it and I was almost out of antifreeze.  I asked about the tire, and he said it was just a piece of metal wedged into the tread but it didn't puncture the tire. So that was a relief! Now I had another problem, though, with the coolant system.  I was set to go out of town to see the grand kids the very next day. Since they couldn't get it done before my trip, the mechanic gave me a container of antifreeze to take with me. I thought this was a very nice gesture.

I made it there and back to see the grand kids with no problems; there was very little antifreeze leaking. Apparently it was a slow leak and had been there a while. I took it in to have it repaired the next week and the whopping cost was:  $0.  One of the perks of having a newer car is the warranty.  Car payment, yes, but....warranty. It balances out for me.

The point of this story is this:  Sometimes we get upset when little things threaten to spoil our plans. I was irritated that I had something in my tire (I thought) and had to address that issue before I traveled out of town. But in reality, I believe God allowed that piece of metal to get stuck in my tire so I would go in to get it fixed and the coolant leak would be discovered. God kept me from having my car break down on the 7 hour round trip to and from my daughter's house. It was actually a blessing that I thought I had a tire problem.

Next time something doesn't go as you wanted or some of your plans get changed, thank God in the midst of it. Sometimes God uses life's little inconveniences to take care of us.

The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.  

Psalm 37:23,24 NLT.

All Sufficient Grace

Most of my life up until I was about 40 I was not really organized.  I wasn't necessarily disorganized; I just didn't have any special organizing abilities to speak of. I felt disorganized, raising 3 kids in a 900 square foot home, but I think that was because there wasn't enough storage and therefore not enough places to put everything away. Seriously, is there ever enough storage for all the items you need with babies and children?

Two distinctive things happened within a year before and after I turned forty: First, two months before my 40th birthday I had a life-changing, crying and sobbing on the floor God experience when I gave Him my heart. From that moment on, at 12 noon on Oct. 31, 1994, I have never been the same. Second, about a year after I turned 40 I lost my brother and my mother within 3 months' time.

This was a traumatic time in my life. My brother died on Dec. 3, 1995 at only 55--too young to die. It was devastating to my mother, who was 77 at the time. I don't think she ever really recovered.  Not quite 3 months later, on Feb. 28, my mother died suddenly. Even though she was in ICU already from a heart attack a couple of days earlier, they were unable to revive her.

And so I was left the sole survivor of the family I grew up in. My dad had passed in 1983, so I was the only one left. I didn't see how I could possibly get through this and bear these losses.  It didn't occur to me until recently that He knew I could bear these losses.  He sustained me through it all and gave me the grace I needed. It was all part of His master plan.

This brings me to the point of this post. He got me through this difficult time emotionally with a peace that passes all understanding. I can't explain it, I just knew I would come through ok. What I didn't know was how much God was about to change my life.

Suddenly, I had about three weeks to get my mama's apartment packed up and moved to storage until I could get a yard sale together. No pressure at all.

I remember walking into her apartment and looking around the room thinking "where do I start?" And then God spoke to me. It was life-changing to me, but some of you will have heard this if you watch reality TV shows by professional organizers or read their blogs. Bear in mind, though, that this was 20 years ago; internet was just getting started and there were no reality shows on TV. Professional organizers were not really a thing yet. So even though what I felt He was saying is very basic and logical, it had escaped me my whole life. I had never thought of this or heard it from any source. I felt strongly impressed to do the following:

"Focus on one thing at a time. Do not worry about all the other stuff in the room.  Just deal with what's in front of you."  

That may not be earth-shattering to you, but it was revelation knowledge to me back then. Essentially what the Lord showed me was to start at the doorway and move clockwise around the room until everything had been dealt with. For instance, I took a dresser drawer in the bedroom and focused on its contents using the "keep, toss, sell" directions like the organizers do. I boxed it up or threw it away and moved on to the next dresser drawer.

You may be thinking, "wow, she's cold-hearted and unfeeling." However, I am very sentimental. This was a daunting task, and if God had not helped me I could not have done it!  But by the sheer grace of God, I was able to detach myself emotionally from my mother's belongings so that I could sort through it and get it ready to give away, sell, or throw it away. Some of it did go into storage until I could decide, but I was able to decide on most of it during that process. 

It took me 3 weeks, going after work and on the weekends, to box up her apartment. We rented a storage building and stored her furniture to put in a yard sale when I had a chance to get that together. I had some help at times from my husband and kids, but I had to make all the decisions about the stuff. No one could do that part for me. It was mine alone to do, and I knew it.

Because my dad was a photographer, and both he and my mom kept virtually everything, there were a lot of pictures. A LOT. I was finding random pictures in every drawer, nook and cranny and I began to feel the need to organize them chronologically. 

Then I felt strongly--probably the urging of the Holy Spirit again--that I should put the photographs in plastic containers. Maybe this would seem like common sense, but it had never occurred to me until I was in the middle of it.  I went and bought large clear plastic storage boxes and sorted the pictures into them. In April 1996, three weeks after I turned in the key to my mom's apartment, an F-3 tornado came through our town and ripped part of the roof off the storage building where her furniture and personal belongings, including all those pictures, were stored. 

It was over a week before we were allowed to go in and check on our storage, because the storage building was in a heavily damaged part of town. Trees and power lines were down and houses were reduced to splinters. When we finally got in there, a lot of the furniture was ruined due to the rain that continued all night after the tornado went through our area, and a lot of the boxed items were, too. However, the pictures, safe in their plastic containers, were unharmed. Every one of them.  I'm so thankful I listened to that still, small voice that told me to put the pictures in plastic containers.

It's been 20 years this month since I was in the middle of cleaning out my mother's apartment, but through the years I have retained my God-given ability to organize and deal with all manner of "stuff." There are times when I still walk into a room and wonder where to start, but I simply ask God to show me and He does. Every time. Maybe He allows me to feel overwhelmed sometimes to remember that He is my source, I don't know.  I do know this for sure:  I give Him all the glory for my organizational abilities.  I could not do it without His guidance and His all-sufficient grace.

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT.

More Than Many Sparrows

It has been quite a stormy spring and summer where I live.  We've had a bunch of rain with thunderstorms, and even a flash flood a couple of months ago. All this is most unusual summer behavior for this area.  As a rule we are normally without measurable rainfall in the summer months. It is now August, and though by now it should be dry and brown outside, this is not the case this year.

Memorial Day this year brought a huge thunderstorm through in the late afternoon. Damaging winds and possibly hail were in the forecast for the day.  So I did what I always do in these cases: I decided to ride it out in my safe place just in case.  My bedroom closet, which is in the middle of the house, is where I go when I am uneasy about the weather but don't feel like going to the tornado shelter is necessary.

This particular Monday afternoon's storm quickly escalated to a severe status because of the straight line winds. So I'm in my bedroom with the TV on, watching the play-by-play report they have on when the weather turns nasty. I was sitting on the bed until it started sounding really windy outside, so I moved to the floor of the closet to be farther from the windows. Suddenly, *BOOM!* there was a crashing sound of something hitting the house right beside my bedroom window.  And then darkness. I was quite shaken up, and afraid to go anywhere near any windows, so I sat in the closet floor for another 10 or 15 minutes until the wind subsided some.  

It didn't appear the roof was damaged because there were no leaks in the house. I investigated as well as I could without going outside, because I knew there was probably a power line down, possibly still live, in my back yard. I soon discovered why I had no power when I finally got up the nerve to go to the back of the house and look out the window.  A neighbor's dead tree had come crashing down on the power line that goes from my house to the pole--and pulled my electric meter off the house! It wasn't something hitting the house that I heard; it was the meter being forcefully ripped off, completely disconnecting the electricity. I found out later that it was fortunate that it pulled the electric lines completely clear of the house, because sometimes a fire can start from partially detached lines arcing. 

I reported my outage to the electric company, then did what a lot of us tend to do when something like this happens: I shared it on social media. Almost immediately I got I phone call from a family member offering to let me stay with them, and I took them up on it. Because I had to get an electrician to re-attach the meter to the house before the electric company would re-connect my power, I ended up staying there a couple of days.  I am so thankful for my family.

A few days later, I was walking around in my back yard and praying. There was something still there that was troubling to me.  Another dead tree on the same neighbor's property was leaning and hanging over my property.  I was worried it would come down on my power line and I would have the same problem and expense again.  Knowing that God cares about my problems, I asked Him to somehow get that remaining dead tree removed in a way that did no harm to anyone or anyone's property, and did not cost me any more money. Then I did my very best to dismiss it from my mind, because I had given it to God. This was in early June.

Two months later another storm came through, the first week in August.  It rained heavily, with thunder and lightening at varying intervals all night long. Several times I was awakened by the storm, but never one time did I think about that tree.  I had really cast that care on God.

At 4:00 am, I was suddenly awake, probably from loud thunder. Before I could go back to sleep, I heard what sounded like a wire being stretched very tight, and then it was dark.  This time, it was really dark, because it was the middle of the night.  I found a flashlight and ventured carefully to the back of the house to see if the meter had been pulled off again, but it was so dark I couldn't see it. I called the electric company and reported my outage and tried to go back to sleep. 

Finally, after I tossed and turned in a dark house with no fan or AC on, unable to sleep, the first hints of dawn finally started to appear at the windows.  When it was light enough, I looked out the window by the meter--it was still attached! There was no damage to property, just as I had asked the Lord for. Since the electric company just had to reattach the wires, I was only without power for 5 hours that time.

This has been a long post, but I felt it was necessary to give some back story.  I was really concerned about the tree, and I went to God about it.  He took care of it in His way and in His timing. It was encouraging to me that when He takes care of us, He takes all things about our lives into consideration. 

The lesson He taught me from all this is if He took care of that need, He will certainly take care of all my other needs, too!

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows"  Luke 12:6-7 (NIV).

No More Chains

This is a very long post that I have prayed over a lot. I have made it as concise as I could, but this is like a fire shut up in my bones. I didn't sleep much last night because I had written this in my journal but not posted it. I finally came to the conclusion that I cannot keep this inside if even one person will benefit from it. So here is a portion of last night's journal entry: 

Over the last few years, the Lord has been peeling away layers of my heart, like layers of an onion. At times this can be painful, but most of the time I’m just amazed that I am seeing glimpses of “the real me,” instead of the façade that I have hidden behind most of my life. I'm just as surprised as everyone else; I had no idea who I was, either.

In the last couple of years or so I have learned a lot about myself.  For instance, I now know that I am an introvert.  I am much happier alone or with a few I am close to than in a crowd. I have to have my alone time to rest and recharge. Being around large groups of people is exhausting and drains all the energy out of me as a rule. I am ok with being with close friends and family to an extent, but even with them I find I have to be alone after a while.

I’ve been reading old journals; some from over 20 years ago, and some from recent years. I have found a common thread throughout: I discovered that I had severe emotional damage up until about 3 or so years ago. It is suddenly so clear to me, and was quite a revelation to me, though I'm sure those close to me knew it long ago. I was desperately needy, and always seeking to have that need filled by various people. I’m not even going to try and analyze why I became that way. God knows; and if He wants me to know, He will show me. If it is better that I not know, I’m ok with that.

One of the characteristics I developed as a child and teenager is embarrassing to admit, but I can tell it now because I am totally delivered from it. I became very much in need of approval and affirmation. It was revealed to me as I prayed and sought the Lord that I was an attention seeker.  Some emotionally damaged children seek attention in any way they can get it because they are so neglected and so starved for love and acceptance.  Sometimes the attention is in the form of discipline, but it seems that they would prefer negative attention to no attention.

I was not one of those who did bad things to get attention, though; at least not openly bad.  I didn’t break things, or steal, or intentionally try to hurt others.  The destruction I rendered was to myself.  I turned my insecurities inward and became my own worst enemy. I constantly berated myself inwardly for things about myself in which I didn’t feel I measured up to the standard I had set for myself. 

As I said before, I’m not into analyzing why I became self-loathing and critical of myself, but I do have a theory. It all came into focus in my time with the Lord last night. I believe it was a generational curse intended to destroy me. This was mentioned by a Christian counselor I went to for a while a few years back, and I knew when they said it they were right.  I have renounced this curse in the name of Jesus, and I am free from it. However, God is still cleaning up the damage left in its wake.

I used to be so focused on everything that was wrong in my life that if I happened to open up to a friend on occasion, afterward I would hate myself for being such a pain. It became a vicious cycle, and it constantly fed the ever-growing chasm in my heart that the insecurities of feeling insignificant and unloved had made. After I shared my heart with someone I would hate myself and became convinced I had made the listener angry or not love me anymore.  On and on and on, ad nausem.

Most of my friends from childhood had no idea I was such an emotional wreck because I was very good at hiding my true feelings. I'm sure I didn't even know I was doing it or that I had emotional problems, but I didn't let very many close enough to me to discover it.

I went along like this until I met my husband when I was 17.  For a while, things were much better.  I loved him, and he made me feel good about myself because he claimed to love me. Of course, it wasn’t long until I began to doubt that he really did, and I proceeded to try his patience with me like I had with the few friends I had let close to me.

He wasn’t without emotional damage himself, though. He was an imperfect human being just as I was. He did love me as much as he knew how, but he was only human. No human can fill the void that is intended for God, no matter who they are or how much they love us.  So we were like two damaged souls trying to find the light switch in a dark room.  Neither of us knew where it was, and we kept hurting each other while trying to find it. 

I remember a specific time in the first year of our marriage where we had been arguing about something.  I don’t remember what the argument was about, but I do remember crying and running down the hall to the bathroom hoping that he would come and comfort me and tell me it was all going to be ok.

He never came. I needed a knight in shining armor on a white horse, but he was just as broken as I was.  This event set the tone for our entire relationship.  I can see so clearly now that we both just needed Jesus.  At least, I know I did. I can't say for sure about him.

I found out about the grace and forgiveness that Jesus offers when I was in my late 30s.  By this time, we had 3 children entering their teenage years and our marriage was teetering on a precipice of fear and insecurities that we had lived on for so many years. This pattern I was into of setting up anyone who loved me to not be there for me, which I perceived as proof they didn’t love me repeated itself over and over until God finally opened my eyes to what was happening.

One morning I was all alone in the house, and the pain in my heart became so intense I could stand it no more. I had been attending a church for over a year that taught about the saving grace of Jesus, and all that Word that had been planted in me finally broke through my crusty, hard heart. I gave my heart to Jesus on October 31, 1994 in a broken, sobbing mass of tears on my living room floor. My life began to turn around, but it was many years and heartbreaks later that I began to see and experience the chains actually falling off.  

There was so much damage and so little trust and respect in our marriage that we eventually divorced in 1997. That was a very dark time in both of our lives.  God mercifully intervened into our lives and it appears that my ex is now a Christian, too.  He remarried years ago and seems to be happy now.  I am truly happy for him.

I am a different person today than I was even 3 years ago, thanks to the miraculous and healing touch of Jesus in my life.  Even though I gave my heart to Jesus 20 years ago, the healing is a process; it didn’t happen overnight. I know now what I did when I set people up to dump me; I was only repeating the pattern that had been established in my family line many generations earlier.  I am so thankful that the blood of Jesus breaks that curse and those chains of emotional damage have fallen off.

Jesus is my Savior; He is my Knight in shining armor who rescued me on that day 20 years ago when I cried out for Him to save me and help me.  He always ALWAYS comes to my aid when I am hurting.  He meets me at the very point of my need; He picks me up and holds me until I am reassured that He does love me and always will and He will never, EVER forsake me.


Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 NASB

Finally Finished

Both of my classes this semester required papers in lieu of a final. This afternoon, I finished proofreading the last paper and made sure the works cited page and in-text citations were correct. I clicked the link to attach it to the email to my instructor.  I then took a deep breath and clicked "send." And just like that, I was finished.

I am finished!  I have earned my degree!

The coursework for my bachelor of arts in English is complete.  It's been years in the making, but now I am finished. I don't know how I expected to feel.  I'm not even sure how I feel right now.  It does not seem real, but it is.

The journey to this degree started in the fall of 1988 with a one hour computer class at the local community college: Intro to PC. I found out I loved computers. I took several more classes, one or two at a time.  I discovered I not only loved working with computers; I loved learning. I was hooked. I wanted to go to college so badly.

Over the years, I went back and forth on the college degree thing. I wanted one, but I wasn't convinced I could do it. My kids all grew up, and one by one they went off to college. I knew I wanted that for them, even though I had not gone to college. I told them as they grew up that they could do anything they could dream. I believed it was true of them.

I didn't believe it for me, though.

Deep down inside, I longed to go back to school. When the youngest went off to college, I was suddenly all alone, and consequently I had time for school again.  Maybe, just maybe I could try...

I discovered I could get grants and scholarships, so I enrolled with the plan of getting an associate of office administration. I went for a few semesters. Then I decided I couldn't do it, and I quit again.

I finally ended up back at the college around 2005, determined this time to finish the associate degree. I found out, however, that the degree I had worked toward off and on had been discontinued, since the college was now a four year university. There was a comparable degree available, but I would have to start over. I walked away defeated. I didn't have it in me to start over.

I talked to a very good friend of mine who helped me see that the courses I had taken would all apply toward an associate of general studies. I just needed to take about 16 hours or so, because I needed some history, science, and humanities courses.

I graduated in May of 2007 with an Associate of General Studies. It was a very happy day for me.  I had not just finished the degree, I had overcome my fear that I couldn't do it.

But it wasn't enough. One day, I caught myself admitting to someone that if I had gone to college when I was young, I would have gone for a degree in English. Now, however, it was too late and I was too old.

As I heard myself say those words, I knew I was speaking a lie. It had suddenly dawned on me:  It is NEVER too late! I had preached "you can do anything you can dream" to my children. It applied to me, too! I could do anything I could dream, too. For whatever reason, my God-given dream was to get a degree in English. I had done a good thing in getting the associate, but I was settling, because I felt it was the best I could do.

So, in the fall of 2007 I enrolled again and declared B.A. in English as my degree. I work a full time job, so I only took 2 classes per semester. It was a snail's pace, but it was a pace at least.  I was moving in a forward direction even if it was slowly.

The snail's pace finally got me to my goal. This coming Thursday, I will walk across that stage and receive my bachelor of arts in English.

Do you have a dream that you are convinced will never come true? If you believe you can't do it, you're right; you can't. But it you believe you can do it, you can. The choice is yours.

What are you waiting on?

"...with God all things are possible." Matt. 19:26 NASB



 

Time to Let Go

This past Saturday was the end of an era in my life. It was good, and yet it left me feeling a little melancholy.

Last summer, my youngest son and his wife came for a visit for several days. Because we live such a distance from each other, we tend to pack a lot into every visit, and this was no exception. We went to an art museum. We took in some movies, both at the theater and via DVDs. We talked and laughed and just generally got caught up on each others' lives. My son and I quoted scenes from movies, one of our favorite pastimes. It was a good visit.

During this visit, my son made good on a promise to get his files off his college computer and put them on a flash drive. This computer had been stored in a closet at my house since he graduated with his bachelors degree in 2004. Yes, that's ten years. He has long since replaced it with newer and better computers a couple of times. It would seem like I would be overjoyed at the prospect of being able to finally get rid of such an archaic piece of technology. However, I had mixed emotions about it.

As his mom, I still remember the summer after he graduated from high school, and the trip that he, his big brother, and I took to a computer store to purchase his first brand new computer. You have to understand, all through his high school years we only had a word processor that he did all his papers on. It's hard for us to fathom now, but this was the late 90s and the internet was still a novelty. Most of us didn't have it in our homes yet. So the excitement was high that summer day when we loaded up my small, compact car with his new computer. Because his new purchase was still in boxes, it filled the car to capacity. This brand new, state of the art, Windows Millenium Edition operating system computer with its 30 GB hard drive was massive...and the best thing since sliced bread at that moment in time.

Yes, it only had thirty GB. Since the computer I had just bought for myself a couple of months before had a 4 GB hard drive, this seemed to me to be loaded with more space than he would ever need. This makes me smile a little. My phone has a bigger hard drive than my first computer did.

I will never forget that hour long ride from the city where we bought the computer to the town where he was going to college. He was sandwiched into the back seat with no room to move, and barely enough room to breathe. I can't remember now why we didn't put some in the trunk, but it was probably because it wouldn't fit. 

We finally arrived and got it all set up.  He was so proud of that computer, and so thankful that God had provided for him so well. It served him well, all four years of college. 

And then it ended up in my house, where it has lived for the past ten years.  

Yes, I'm a sentimental slob about some things. Anything to do with my children usually touches me very deeply. I knew it had go, and I was ready for it to. I was just waiting for him to get his files. He bought a 32 GB flash drive and put them on it. The flash drive has more storage than the computer did, because technology has evolved so much. 

When I learned that a technology recycle drive was happening in my town, I knew I had to remove the dinosaur from my laundry room. I loaded it into the trunk of my car and drove to the school where the e-waste recycling items were being collected. They had it all unloaded quickly and I was on my way. 

I am not second-guessing my decision to e-waste my son's outdated computer. I have no doubt whatsoever that I did the right thing, but it's still a little bittersweet. As I drove away from the recycling center, my car was lighter, but my heart was a tiny bit heavier, just for a little while.

I'm over it now, though.

Thanksgiving is next week, so I believe the timing for this is no accident. God has taught me something about being thankful, and I want to share it. When my son needed college tuition, housing, and even a computer, God provided, as He always does. We have to learn to receive His provisions with thankfulness, always mindful that every good thing in our lives comes from Him. And when the season for that item is finished, we must learn to let go of it with grace.

Have a blessed and happy Thanksgiving! 

"God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19 NASB

My Safe Place

1 "Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the Lord:He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;he is my God, and I trust him." Psalm 91:1,2 NLT

There is a thunderstorm going on outside, right now, as I write this. According to the weatherman, this is just the "appetizer." There is supposed to be more like this, and worse, in 3 or 4 hours from now. 

Have I mentioned before that I don't like Spring?  This is one of the reasons. I love rain, and I even like thunderstorms, within reason, but I draw the line at tornadoes.  I'm not a fan, and there is a reason.  

In 1996, my two younger children, along with my husband and I, weathered the F-3 tornado that did major damage to hundreds of homes in our area. My oldest was away at college at the time, an hour away, and had to hear about it on the news. We lived in a mobile home back then.  It was a good one, anchored to the ground with a brick foundation, but it was still a mobile home.

We didn't have a whole lot of warning, being out in the country with no sirens at that time. When the power went off, we turned on the battery-powered radio to listen to what the local weather station was saying. About that time, a friend who lived about 20 minutes southwest of us called to say there was a tornado on the ground, headed our way.  

We had nowhere to go. We grabbed quilts, turned the couch over, and got under it. And we prayed. We prayed a lot that night. We could tell when the funnel was over us, because of the pressure drop. My ears popped and it was hard to breathe. It was a terrifying experience, one I'll never forget. But God brought us through it. My daughter, who was 17 at the time, said later that as she was praying she saw God's hand over our house, holding it down. 

The next morning when it was light, we went outside to survey the damage. The neighbor next door and the one across the road both had substantial damage to their houses, their non-mobile homes--one had a whole room gone, the other had about half of their house left. Our huge oak tree was lying in the yard, and had missed landing on our house by just a few feet. Our storage building was gone. The tree by the road was gone. The yard was full of shingles of all colors, along with lots of paper and other debris from the areas southwest of us. 

Our house--our mobile home--beat the odds and was still standing.  It had no damage other than a few shingles gone from along the edge of the roof. The four of us were completely unharmed.

Coincidence? Luck? I hardly think so. It was GOD! Our God watched over us, just as He said he would if we would run to Him:

"He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." Psalm 91:4

Ever since that night I have not liked storm season. I am not fearful, because I know what the Lord did for me before. I know He will protect me again. I just have a healthy respect for tornadoes. I don't laugh in the face of danger, tempting God to take care of me. He gave me common sense, and I use it. I go to my safe place; either my closet in the center of the house, or the tornado shelter at the school, depending on how bad it is and how much time I have.

And I PRAY. I have been known to speak to the storm, as Jesus did when the storm came up when He was asleep in the boat with His disciples. I have seen storms break up before they get to our area, or turn and go north or south of us. 

Take heart. Yes, there will probably be some storms this afternoon, and many other times.  Run to your safe place, but do not fear. "The shadow of the Almighty" is the safest place of all.  That's where you'll find me.

"From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
4 Let me live forever in your sanctuary, safe beneath the shelter of your wings!" Psalm 61:2-4 NLT 

The Home Stretch

I won't be a college undergrad for much longer.

Tonight, I came home from work, went to the college website, and registered for my classes for fall. My CLASSES for FALL!  I am now registered in the last 2 classes for my long-awaited bachelor of arts in English degree! I am almost finished!

I spent this evening much like most of my evenings have been spent for the last several years--working on my homework.  Such is the life of a part-time college student with a full-time job. I go to work five days a week, church on Sunday and Wednesday, and college three days a week. This is my life, and I'm actually quite content with it. I have had to become very organized to keep on top of everything. With God's help, I have managed.  

So, I was sitting here trying to relax when suddenly the thought struck me that nights like this are a limited edition now. I have only one more semester of spending almost every evening working on homework. Only one more semester.  Wow.

It hasn't been all bad. As I have said on this blog before, I love school! I always have. I guess you could call me a life-long learner. I was flipping through old journals recently, and I came across this peek into my life 7 years ago. It's an entry from May of 2007, after I graduated with my associate degree:

"It’s been such a long journey. It took me 15+ years of going one class at a time at first, then 2 at a time for about 2 or 3 semesters.  Then I would quit, convinced I couldn't do it.  I would be out of school for 2 or 3 years, then start back again.

"I went off and on. I changed my major 3 times. There was a big push in the mid 90s, another after Jeff left for college in 2000.  Each time I started back, I quit because I was afraid I couldn't do it. I wouldn't try because I was afraid of failure. Last fall, I discovered how close I was and decided I was going to do it...today was a beautiful, wonderful and emotional experience.  It meant so much to me to finish this and actually have something to show for all the years of working 8 hours, going straight to school, sometimes 4 nights a week, and getting home exhausted about 9:00, with homework and housework still to do. Was it worth it? Yes it was! I am already registered for fall. I'm going to get that B.A. 

"I told my kids when they were growing up that they could do anything they could dream. I believed that for them, but I didn't believe it applied to me.  Today, I realized that it applies to me, too. There was so much emotion that I couldn't contain it. That realization kept bubbling on the inside of me until, by the time my row of graduates got up to go receive our diplomas, I'm sure little rays of light were just shooting out from me everywhere. I felt like I was going to explode with joy, happiness, love, and appreciation for those who have stood beside me and encouraged me."

If you are struggling with some kind of goal that you've been trying to attain, let me leave you with this little bit of encouragement. You can do whatever you set your mind to do. Sure, you may get discouraged at times and fall by the wayside. I did that several times.  The key is this:  when you fall down, you get right back up, brush yourself off, and start again.  Never quit.  You might pause for a bit, but don't quit. 

Don't give up.  You can do anything you can dream.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13.

I Live to Say This

"God you reign, God you reign, forever and ever, God you reign..."

We sang this song at church this morning.  We've sung it countless times over the last few years, and yet I discovered something in it today, something I hadn't noticed or felt before.  The first verse is about God, what He has created, and how that creation in turn praises him.

"You paint the night, you count the stars and you know them by name,
The skies proclaim, 'God you reign.'
Your glory shines, you teach the sun when to bring a new day,
Creation sings, 'God you reign.'"

Here are the words to the second  verse:

"You part the seas, you move the mountains with the words that you say,
My song remains, 'God you reign.'
You hold my life, you know my heart, and you call me by name;
I live to say, 'God you reign.'"

It never occurred to me until I was singing those words this morning, "I live to say, 'God you reign,'" that this is what I do. I sing His praises, and I write about him and his glorious works.  That's what this blog is: an avenue through which I can get the word out about my God and what he has done for me.

As a believer and follower of Jesus, I am commissioned, as all Christians are, to "Go and tell:"

"He said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.'" Mark 16:15 NIV

I may not literally preach from a pulpit, but I believe strongly that God has placed a desire in me to write in this blog. Sometimes it may seem silly, and we sometimes get to have a laugh at my expense over the stuff I've experienced. Other times, it may  bring readers to tears. Whatever the subject is in any given blog posting, I know beyond any doubt that I am to testify about my Lord and tell what he has done in my life. This is part of my ministry. My job is to point others to Christ, and I always try to do this in every posting.

May you let God reign in your life!