Fighting Battles

It has once again been longer than normal since I wrote last. I've been busy. It seems I'm in a battle.

A while back I was trying to figure out what emotion I was feeling inside. There was an ache and an emptiness that I knew from experience could only be filled by God. Not only was I well aware that it could not be filled by people or things, I didn't want it to be. I knew it was a hunger for God alone, so I have been waiting before God during prayer to show up and fix the problem.

While waiting, I have been asking all kinds of questions.

We humans love to ask questions, don't we? Why am I in this battle? Why has it practically paralyzed me emotionally and spiritually? How can I ask God to fix something if I don't even know what is wrong?

And of course, God doesn't answer those questions.

Then one day at church, it came to me what I was feeling. No wonder it felt familiar! This particular emotion goes way back into my childhood. The spirit of rejection has been trying to work its way back into my life lately, and this time it brought along an old foe of mine to help to entrap me.

During worship it suddenly came to me, and I had to write it down. I quickly sat down and rummaged through my purse and Bible looking for paper, but I had cleaned out my purse and there was no scrap paper to be found. I finally scribbled frantically on the back of the bulletin. I know from experience that if I don't write it down it will "evaporate" and I won't be able to recall what it was.

So I wrote down what I had been feeling and couldn't put my finger on. I wrote these words:

I feel like everyone ran on ahead of me and left me here all alone. It's like I bent down to tie my shoe, and they didn't wait on me. I'm standing here all alone. But I'm not alone, Jesus said He would never leave me nor forsake me, so He is here. I'm surrounded by God.... 

And in the background the church was singing "It may look like I'm surrounded, but I'm surrounded by God. This is how I fight my battles..."

Suddenly I knew what it was. The emotion I had been experiencing was ABANDONMENT. Very similar to rejection, almost, but not exactly. I thought back to a time when I had felt that emotion. For some reason, this particular memory is etched into my brain.

When I was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8, I distinctly remember a time when my mama said she was going to the store, and I could go with her when she was ready to go. So I went out into the yard to wait for her. After I had been outside for a while, suddenly I saw her car driving down the street, away from our house.

I panicked. I was sure that my mama had forgotten I wanted to go with her, and she left me. I ran after the car, frantic to catch up with her and make her see me and remember that I wanted to go with her. I finally caught up with the car at the end of the block when the driver stopped at the stop sign.

Then I saw it wasn't my mama. Relief flooded through me as I stood there catching my breath. Even though I was still feeling shaky from emotion and the exertion of running an entire block, I walked back up the hill to my house. I remember feeling very foolish, embarrassed, and ashamed. I don't think I ever told my mama that I had thought she left me.

This feeling has come back to me periodically throughout the years but I had never identified what it was. 

But now it had finally been revealed to me what I was battling! I went to the Lord when I got home and talked to Him about it. I gave Him my fear of abandonment. I knew it wasn't actual abandonment, because that has already been taken care of. I know I am not abandoned because that is contrary to the Word of God:

Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:9-11

In Isaiah 53 His word says "He was despised and forsaken of men."  He took care of this at the cross in our place so we don't have to be! That is awesome news! 

My mother, father, and brother went to be with Jesus a long time ago. It's been over twenty years. My children grew up, went to college, and went on to follow their dreams like I wanted them to. They are happily living their lives, and I am truly happy for them, but they are all in places far away from me so I don't see them often. 

It appears I have been left all alone. However, no matter how many times the enemy comes to me and tells me I have been abandoned and left here all alone, I can simply turn to him and declare the truth by using the Word of God to combat his lies.

I am NOT forsaken, and I am NOT abandoned. Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Psalm 27:10 NLT 

If you are battling the lies of the enemy about anything, write down all the scriptures you can find that contradict the lies and say them back to him whenever he whispers those lies in your ear. 

Write them on post it notes and put them on your bathroom mirror, above the kitchen sink, or anywhere else you want to remind yourself of how to fight those lies.

Also, put on some worship music and sing along with it. A sure way to defeat the enemy is to worship Jesus. 

Whatever you may be battling, Jesus has defeated it. Declare it, believe it, live it!

I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you. Hebrews 13:5 NASB

Cast Your Cares

Have you ever had your heart broken, your spirit crushed? Have you felt like you were rejected, damaged, and broken beyond repair? I'm sure most of you have at some time or another had some heartbreak. Pain is a reminder that we live in a fallen world. None of us is exempt, but Jesus has the cure for the pain.

 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7 NLT

I'm not proud of the broken life I used to live, but God is using what the enemy meant for evil to do good. I am sometimes led to share some of it.

During prayer recently I was reminded of a time many years ago in my life when I was in one of those very painful places. Life had dealt me a series of hard blows, leaving me as a broken, damaged version of who God had created me to be. My heart had been broken into a million pieces and I was crushed emotionally. God has done a miraculous work in my life and I am completely healed from all that emotional damage, praise the Lord! But I'm feeling drawn to write about it, so here I am. 

I was a mess, but because of the Lord's redeeming love He has delivered me and set me free so well that before I could write this blog I literally had to look it up in my journal because I couldn't remember the details. Thank GOD I can't remember it! This is a testimony of His awesome, redeeming power and love. 

My journals are written in many volumes, spanning the last 22 years since my walk with Jesus began in 1994. They record the details of the journey and I feel strongly that I am supposed to keep them so others can benefit from hearing about what God has done for me. I don't live there anymore, though, and seldom go back into those darker volumes unless I feel led to do so. God gives me grace to read portions without being negatively affected, but He also gives me the sense to leave the past in the past.

Because of my fragile and broken emotions, I was easily hurt over small things. But if something substantial came along that was bad enough to knock even an emotionally stable person down, it was devastating to me. This is about one of those times where an incident hurt me very badly.

After the incident I was to the point emotionally that I had actually become sick physically. I couldn’t eat. For days, I had no appetite.  I ate next to nothing, only then because I felt like the Lord told me to eat.  So I did, but almost got sick. Grief consumed me.  I was functioning a little, sort of on “auto-pilot;” but I wanted to die. I cried out to the Lord repeatedly to help me, because I knew He was my only hope. 

Then one morning during my prayer time something happened. Looking back, I know it was the Lord. Suddenly, for about a ½ second, there was a brightness (I had my eyes closed, but it felt like a light was directed toward me).  Then, I felt the presence of Jesus.  First, His hands were on my head, and then He touched my heart.  For just an instant, it was heavy, like a weight was on it.  I had a cramping sensation in my stomach, like a resistance.  Then it was just GONE. The grief, pain—ALL GONE!!!  My heart was light.  I remember Him saying as He touched me, “you can’t bear this, so I am taking it.”  He took my pain!!!

I have never been the same since that day. I still had some emotional stuff to work through, but the incident that had caused me so much grief and heartache in that particular situation has never bothered me again. I have completely forgiven those who hurt me. I am completely free of the pain.  I don't think about it. I don't worry about it. Its power to hurt me has been neutralized.

If you identify with this at all and are having a struggle emotionally, take heart. You are not alone, and you aren't the only one who has ever felt the stinging pain that is so prevalent in our broken world. Do not believe the lies that the devil is telling you that you are too much a mess, that you are unlovable, or you have passed the point of being able to be redeemed by God. The devil is a LIAR.

God will do for you what He did for me. You have His Word on it.

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken. Psalm 55:22 NIV

22 

Restoration!

Someone told me a few weeks ago that they had no idea I had ever been depressed. They have only known me a few years, and it was surprising to them to learn about what I have been through.  It encourages me to hear that, because it's a testimony to the amazing work God has done and is still doing in me. I never want anyone to think I take credit for turning my life around. God gets all the glory for that! If not for Him and His miraculous hand in my life, I have no doubt I would not have made it.

Spiritually, the depression I was in made me feel like I was wandering in the wilderness, and everything was shrouded in fog. I couldn't see which way to go, and I ended up clinging to the people who tried to help me out of kindness and love. I needed to know I was loved and accepted so badly. I was desperate for it.

One of the most painful parts of the wilderness was the way that the songs I listened to and loved during that time became associated with pain. Maybe this doesn't happen to you; I hope not. But so much of the way God speaks to me and ministers to me is through music.

For several years before, during, and following my divorce in 1997, I wandered. I had accepted Jesus, and was following Him but I didn't really know how to accept the healing He wanted to give me. There was a lot of rejection and loneliness in those days, and my solace was music. Friends gave me CDs and I would listen to them over and over.

A lot of negative stuff happened during these years, including drama involving people, churches, and even some family members. Some of it was real rejection, and some was only perceived to be rejection because of the tormenting pain in my heart that distorted the truth. In 2003 I hit rock bottom and God finally had my full attention--because He was all I had left. This was one of the best things that could have happened, though I thought it was going to kill me at the time. I did not want to be in this pain, and I fought it. I finally took the hand He had been offering me for so many years, though, and let Him pull me up out of the pit I was in emotionally.

The healing started that year, but because my emotions were such a wreck, or the depression so deep--who knows?--it took a while for God to bring me out of all that. Slowly, I started to change from the inside out, but I still had a ways to go.

The music? Oh, I'm getting there. In the years following the wilderness time, I discovered that when I heard any of that music from those years I would be repulsed by it. Sometimes I would even have physical pain, like a knife in my stomach. It was such a powerful reminder of those horrible years. You see, it wasn't just me that was being hurt while I was in the wilderness. I did my share of hurling damaging words at people I loved, and it broke my heart that I had wounded the ones I loved the most. I quit writing for a long time because I had used my gift of writing to hurt others, even though that wasn't my intention at the time.

Over time, the music I had listened to became synonymous with pain. Music God intended to be healing and soothing became a painful reminder of where I had been, whom I had hurt, and the shame I bore because of it.

Years went by; I gained victory over some things but not others and went through some ups and downs. Then God started some purifying in me - known in Christian circles as a refining fire - beginning in early 2011 and again I was broken-hearted. Unlike the time before, though, I knew what He was doing and why. So even though I was broken, and it was painful, I embraced it. I knew it had to be this way, that He was ready to deliver me from the bondage and chains of depression, rejection, and need for affirmation from others. I wanted God to heal me and I gave myself over to Him willingly. At this point, I finally started going for counseling.

Let me just say right here that there is no shame in getting counseling if you need it. Christians can have depression, anxiety, and a lot of other problems that sometimes require counseling to work through. I sought out Christian counselors who both counseled and prayed with me. If you need counseling, I strongly urge you to get it.

Finally, I had a major breakthrough in 2012, and soon after became aware that things were different. I felt different, my outlook was different, my relationships were different. I realized that I was not the same person as I had been. I had come to know Jesus in a much deeper way, and I realized that my identity was in Him. He was the Lord of my life and He supplied my every need. Affirmation came from Him and His word. It was amazing when I finally grasped that.

But even though I was walking free from those chains, the music I had loved still hurt. I decided that maybe I would always have to avoid those artists and songs from that era, but at least I was free. But God had another plan.

The music came back to me in an unusual way. One of the most enjoyable things I have done in the last year is reorganize photo albums from way before my time through my high school graduation. As I blogged in another post, major chains fell off spiritually during this process:

<http://debbiev120.blogspot.com/2016/07/perception-problems.html> 

As I said in that other post, not only did God redeem my past in photos, I was led to listen to all the old, painful music. Gospel music from my teen years came back first. I found myself singing a song from long ago and would have to find it and listen to it. Then, one day out of the blue, the music from the painful wilderness years was finally given back to me. All while I was working on the photos. He gave me back the music I had loved, because He delights in me. 

Today, I can truly say that God has restored what the locusts had eaten. I'm still a work in progress, but I can listen to all that great music again! The root of rejection has been removed once and for all. Praise the Lord! It was hard to allow Him to do what He needed to do to heal me and set me free, but SO WORTH IT!

The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you." Joel 2:25 NLT

https://youtu.be/eqgiNtrRMJU

Awkward!

"Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person.  The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"  2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

I've been divorced for sixteen years, and I've had many challenges to overcome as a single person. One that plagues many singles is eating out. Do you notice many people eating alone?  It's just not a common occurrence. No doubt the reason is the awkwardness that goes along with it. It's often easier to just go through a drive-through and get something to go, or just eat at home. The problem with that, though, is the single person often ends up feeling like they can't eat some places because of this. So they are left with three choices: find someone to go with them, go alone, or just go home. There isn't always someone to go with, though, so option 1 is really not a good one.  Option 2 is usually awkward, and option 3 can leave the single person feeling like a reject from society if they have issues with rejection or self-esteem. 

So what to do?  In our society, mealtime can be as much a social event as it is for one of nourishment. But that's another blog post, so let's just set that part of it aside for now and deal with the actual practice of eating out alone.  

Fortunately for me, I finally overcame this hurdle about 3 or 4 years ago.  I don't remember the exact date, but at one point I had a revelation: most people don't even notice me when I am sitting there alone.  I've come to the conclusion that as a whole, people are too self-absorbed to get outside themselves to make eye contact or act like they notice. I used to fear that people would stare at me, like I'm part of a side-show at a carnival.  That sounds extreme, but I used to be painfully shy and extremely self-conscious. That's how I used to feel when I found myself in a situation where I had to dine out alone. Oh the freedom I felt when I realized I do not care what anyone thinks about me! I now march into everywhere from fast food places to nice restaurants, all alone, and I do not feel awkward anymore.

Occasionally, though, there is a situation that comes up that challenges that freedom I feel. Today was one of those. I had been craving the hibachi fried rice of a local Japanese restaurant for weeks. If you like Japanese cuisine, cooked right in front of you on a hibachi grill you know what I'm talking about. There's just no substitute for it. Today, as I drove away from church to go eat lunch, I realized, as I drove through town looking for inspiration, that this was really what I wanted. So I went there. They seated me at the end chair of an empty table and I sat there alone. Of course I knew they would wait until some more came in to serve me, so I settled in and prepared to wait until the table, which seats 10, was filled up. I've done this several times and it's always been fine.  

I hadn't been there long when they seated, in the remaining 9 chairs, a family celebrating a birthday for a teenage girl.  So there I was, the only stranger in a family birthday party!  Awkward. For the first time in 3 years, I felt a little self-conscious, being the introvert that I am. However, this was a nice place that I love to go to. It's a rare and expensive treat for me, so I got over it quickly and still managed to enjoy my meal in spite of it.  

I wanted to be upset with the restaurant for doing that to me and to them, but I knew I couldn't blame the restaurant. I wondered at God's sense of humor about this, and I figured it was a test. I came home after a wonderful meal, full of fried rice and chicken and a to-go box of the leftovers (tomorrow's lunch!), and prayed about it. I asked Him, are you asking me to blog about this?  Many times He prompts me to blog about things I have had problems with but have gained victory over. I had wanted to blog about eating out singly before, but it just never felt right.  Today, though, I finally came to the conclusion that this is what He was asking me to do. There must be readers out there who would benefit from knowing that others struggle with this issue, but it's ok to eat alone, even in an awkward situation. 

The funny thing is, I think the birthday family was more uncomfortable than I was, because I think they felt bad for me because I was eating alone...sorta. Ha!  It became amusing after a little while, and I actually felt bad for them...but not for me! I know who I am in Christ, and I am comfortable dining out with or without company.

So if you struggle with feeling like you're on display, or violating some kind of social custom when you dine out alone, take heart!  There is freedom in knowing that you have every right to enjoy a meal all by yourself in a restaurant.  Chances are, no one will even notice.    

Reflections on rejection

In Isaiah 65, “I permitted Myself to be sought by those who did not ask for Me; I permitted Myself to be found by those who did not seek Me. I said ‘Here am I, here am I,’ to a nation which did not call on My name.”

When I read this, it struck me that it is GOD talking. The following analogy came to me:

He showed up uninvited, like a child who bounced up onto the porch of a “friend,” all excited saying “I’m here!” But to his dismay, he finds out all those he loves are inside, having a party without him. Having no guile in his heart, he was glad to see them, thinking it would be mutual, that they would be glad to see him, too. His thoughts of a fun and happy time with his friends are dashed as the realization that he was not wanted there, not sought. They didn’t even know he was anywhere near as they had a great time. It had never occurred to them to invite him in to join with them in a merry time. One glance in the window caused his heart to break. Dejected, rejected, and unwanted, he turned and walked away slowly.

This is a silly little story, but it all flooded into focus inside me when I read this passage. It broke my heart for my wonderful, loving Father who only wants to love and bless his creation.