Look for the Beauty

When I last wrote, I was missing the rain. If memory serves, I believe it rained the next day after that. Funny how that happens sometimes.

I had a particularly hard week this past week involving a bout with depression. I'll spare you the details as for what triggered it, but it was not a great week. There were some better days, when I was with friends, but mostly I got through by the grace of God. Even the time with friends was by His grace, now that I think about it. 

Also by His grace, He caused me to look at the beauty around me, take note, and take pictures. 

August started off unseasonably cool, which didn't make me mad. One morning on the first week it was 66 degrees when I took my morning walk. That whole week was cooler, and I had great walks. One day it was so cool I was able to walk in the evening, just before sunset, which is when I always used to walk before summer really hit. On a whim I took the west exit out of the college campus instead of the east one, toward my house, and because of this I witnessed a sunset as I stopped to turn onto the highway. 

I took a picture.

The next morning it was so cool I was able to linger in my little garden spot on my "front porch." It felt like a fall morning; I enjoyed it so much. 

I also took a picture of this.

This evening I went out to water my flower garden after the sun went behind the clouds on its way out of sight for the night. I looked up, and there was this beautiful sunset. 

And I took a picture of this, too.

I'm posting that picture of the sun just as it was slipping below the horizon after my evening walk, the picture of my tiny little flower garden, and the sunset I saw this evening.  

These were moments of beauty that I might have missed if I weren't looking up when I was kinda down. 

I'm feeling better, and on the way up again, and I owe it all the grace of God. I choose the think HE caused me to see the beauty He placed in front of me to cheer me up.

"I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me new hope and cheer." Psalm 94:18-19 NLT

From the Porch: Why is the Tree There?

Rain kept me inside all last week, but I've been able to get to the porch

for my morning coffee and prayer time for most of this week. Sitting out there, I noticed something.

All the other condos in my neighborhood have very similar landscaping. We all have hedges by the front entrance and some other shrubs that are almost cookie-cutter identical. 

My front area, however, has a cedar tree by the driveway instead of a round shrub. As I sat there a few mornings ago, I was pondering why this is. 

I'm not a fan of bright sunlit rooms in my house. I know that's not typical. I like more of a warm, softly lit vibe. Bright sun hurts my eyes; I'm just very sensitive to bright sunlight. I almost always wear sunglasses on the rare occasion that I am outside on a bright day.

This cedar tree shades my living room perfectly. From afternoon through early evening in the warmer months, the sun hits my house increasingly toward the southwest as the summer wears on. Together with the window treatments and mini-blinds, my living room has a bearable level of afternoon sunlight, filtered so well by the tree.

Some would say I was lucky to get the house with the tree when I was looking for a place to rent. I feel like it's more than that, though. I think God had this place in mind for me long ago, when the tree was just a sapling. 

Laugh if you think it silly. I don't mind. I'm sure lots of people laugh when they read my blog. I'm not sharing content that I think will draw people in. I'm just sharing my heart. I know my God orders my steps. Why wouldn't He give me a tree to shade me from the harsh late afternoon sun? 

One more thing. It's a cedar tree; an evergreen. It's green year round, just like God's love is everlasting. 

I'm counting it as one of my blessings. I thank God for the tree that gives me shade.

Be blessed, my friends!

 "I will exalt You, my God, the King,
And I will bless Your name forever and ever.
2 Every day I will bless You,
And I will praise Your name forever and ever.
3 Great is the Lord, and highly to be praised;
And His greatness is unsearchable." Psalm 145:1-3 NASB

I'm Still Pressing On

Two years ago today, at approximately 9:00pm, I rolled into the town where I now live, backed up into the driveway of my daughter's basement apartment, and was greeted by a welcoming committee: my daughter, son-in-law, granddaughter, and grandson ran out to greet me, welcoming me to their town and their home. 

They immediately started unloading my car, which was crammed full of the last of my belongings from my house in my hometown. Over the course of several weeks, they had made trips to get my furniture and items I could live without until I closed on my house. This was the last hurrah. The caboose. The final load of random stuff. 

The end of the chapter had come earlier that day. I had spent the day loading the car in sweltering 100 degree heat and cleaning the house. I looked through every nook and cranny, making sure I had everything. I walked through each room, remembering events of the 12 years I had spent in my little bungalow that I was able to buy on my own (with God's help, of course) in 2009. I was so proud of that little house. 

After all I had been through, I never thought I'd be able to buy a house of my own. But GOD...He gave me a better job, helped me get out of debt, and eventually, found me the perfect little house.

It felt like a miracle to me. I believe it was.

It was bittersweet to sell it and move 175 miles away to a small town in the middle of nowhere that I had only visited 2-3 times a year since my daughter had lived here. Only the grace of God could have enabled me to do that. Looking back, I know that was the only way I had the strength and fortitude to do what I did.

I believe God gave me the ability to do this hard thing because it's part of His plan for me. I really believe I'm supposed to be here, at this time and in this town.

So, when the time for the loan closing came in the late afternoon, I locked up the house, gave it one last look, and drove downtown to the office to sign the papers.

Tears might have been shed at some point in the process. I went and said goodbye to my cousin at her workplace, drove to where my best friend works and said goodbye to her, then, with one more look at my beloved hometown, where I had lived for 66.5 years (my entire life up until that day), I got on the highway and started the long drive to the town I now call home.

I knew no one here except my daughter, her family, and her in-laws, who live about 30 minutes away. 

I no longer live in her basement; I was able to find a duplex across town, around 10 minutes from her for a decent monthly rent and moved in September 2021.

It hasn't always been rosy and happy; I have had some sad days along the way. I miss my friends in what will always be considered "back home." I miss my little house. I miss the entire town. 

But...I'm finally starting to feel like I belong here now. 

It's wonderful having family 10 minutes away. I love seeing my daughter, son-in-law, and grandkids more than 2-3 times a year. I get to go to school events. I pick the grandkids up from school a lot of the time. I have made some great friends, and I have found a church home. 

Who says a single woman can't start a new chapter in her late 60s?

All in all, I'd say it's going ok here in my new town. 

"...forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14 

In front of my little house in VB 2021

On the patio in my new digs 2023

July 2023 - new home

Winter Solstice

8:00 am on winter solstice; the sun rising as far south as it will. Now the days will start being longer and the sun will rise earlier and farther east every day. I wish it could stay like this, late sunrises, but it won’t. I like winter (within reason—not looking forward to the extreme cold we’re going to get). I like being indoors, warm and cozy. I like doing winter things, like reading, working on picture albums, etc.

It’s actually just now really winter. Spring will be here in a couple of months and I dread the heat, the bugs, and the expectation that I need to get outdoors.

I don’t want to. I like indoors.

So for now, I’m still enjoying winter, even if its days are numbered. Drinking my coffee, listening to Christmas music, and preparing for Christmas. 

Have a great day! It will be a heat wave compared to tomorrow. 😀

Embracing the Season: A Post from the Patio

A few years ago I posted a blog, Sitting Beside the Still Waters, published on August 13, 2018, about the things I wanted but had never managed to attain. I strongly desired to see my children and grandchildren more often. I hoped for things like a certain type of patio or deck and various other elements in a house that I hoped to have someday.

One thing has changed; While my sons still live in two other states, I do see my daughter and grandchildren often, because I moved to the town where they live after I retired in the summer of 2021. I'm thankful to be in their lives so much more. My sons and I Facetime and talk and text a whole lot more often than we did pre-pandemic. So, while I still am not physically with them, we are in touch a lot more and that's a definite improvement. The rest of the items on that list are still out of my grasp, but they are just things. It's my family that really matters.

I now live in a duplex in a good neighborhood, and I like it here. While it doesn't have the specific elements I was hoping for (and still hope to have eventually), I have to admit it is a good place for me to live in this season I'm in right now. I was sitting on the patio one morning last week, and it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks that this is as good as it gets for a while. The other things I wanted aren't happening right now. So I decided I would embrace the season in which I find myself now, which includes accepting this duplex as where God wants me to be. I believe He has placed me here.

As duplexes go, it's got a lot going for it. It is situated in a cul-de-sac, so the traffic is minimal. The entire neighborhood of duplexes is surrounded by a perimeter of trees, which muffles the noise of traffic on the nearby highway and allows the residents here some privacy. 

I have a garage, something I have never before had, and I'm loving it! This home has everything else I need, really; an adequate kitchen with a dishwasher, a washer and dryer closet, and a patio. All these things are comparable to what I had in my house I sold, and some are better. I'm really learning to be content here.

The patio is the part I want to focus on for a minute. I had great plans to have my prayer time and coffee out there several times a week this past summer, but it was too blazing hot. It was hottest summer in probably at least 10 years! Also, the patio faces east. Yes, that's right; I have to race the sun and get out there early, before it peeks up over the tops of the fairly dense stand of trees behind my house and bathes everything in my backyard in its brightness. 

It wasn't happening in the summer; the sun comes up too early. But it's starting to happen now that fall is nearly here and the sun comes up a little later every day. The first picture I included, with the steaming coffee cup (don't know if you can see the steam, but it was there!) was taken just about 8:00 am. 

The second picture was 30 minutes later and the picture doesn't do it justice. I couldn't see anything for the glare on the patio table. So I got up and went inside, LOL!

Before the sun made it to the tops of the trees, I had prayer and coffee out there this morning, and it was so nice out. I love fall! It was 57 degrees when I first went out just before 8 am.

So...I'm trying something different with this blog. For at least a little while, in an attempt to embrace where God has placed me in this season and revitalize my blog of 13 years, I'm going to be posting "from the patio." The pictures I take that morning may not actually end up in a blog until later in the day, but it's all a work in progress.

As always, it is my hope to encourage and inspire, while showing you a glimpse of my real life, not sugar-coated at all, as you will see below:

I'm a 67-year-old retiree who moved halfway across the state after retirement to be near family. I won't lie: it's been hard getting used to a different town, and truthfully, I have shed many tears over the town and friends I left behind. The trade off, however, makes it worth it. I am with my grandkids a lot.

Also, I'll admit it; I don't like getting up early. Never have, though I did it my whole working life before retirement. It's not super early, and I'm not looking for approval or expecting any praise. I just find that getting up around 7:30 am seems to be what my body clock likes. 

Finally, I don't consider myself super spiritual; I'm not trying to impress anyone. I love Jesus and I really like my morning coffee. I enjoy having my coffee and talking to Him outside. I don't know what it is about being in nature that makes me feel closer to Him, and I don't go outside every morning. Some mornings I'm just drawn out there, though, and it's proving to be a wonderful start to my day when I make the effort to get outside.

It's just a little patio, nothing fancy at all, but I'm learning to accept with grace what the Lord has blessed me with. Come along with me and maybe you'll be encouraged, maybe you'll have a laugh or two. Maybe you'll just see it's ok to be yourself, like I've decided to do. It's my hope to post weekly some little snippet of encouragement or something to laugh about.

Embrace where God has placed you. He has great plans for you!

Love and hugs, friends! <3

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Are You Up for the Task?

Thanksgiving day.  Many of us pause and reflect on our lives and consider how blessed we are and what we are thankful for.  We did this at our family dinner today. I told everyone I'm thankful for retirement and for family being 15 minutes away, instead of 3 1/2 hours.

I didn't lie; this is true. After deeper reflection this evening, however, I have found more to be thankful for. Please bear with me while I share a story with you.

For most of my life through 26 years ago, I was not really an organized person. I struggled all through the years my children were growing up, barely keeping up with everything, and most of the time I felt very inadequate. Because of my own upbringing, I had extremely low self-esteem. I compared myself with everyone I knew, before there was social media, which causes a lot of us to feel like we come up short these days if we let it.  I don't think I would have done as well as I did if I'd had immediate access to everything we have today. My fragile self-image would have shattered.

Also, a very important bit of info to note is that, though I grew up in church I did not accept Jesus as my Savior until I was 39. My children were teenagers by then. 

By the grace of God, I started a new job at the beginning of the school year in 1995, and I had a decent job at last. 

So in February of 1996, just a little over a year after I accepted Christ, the situation was this: my children were teens and one was actually already in college. My marriage was barely hanging on by a thread, but I had a steady, decently paying job, which in hindsight I see now was a gift from God, and an integral part of His plan for me.

And then, on February 28, my mother suddenly died. It was devastating, but for now I'm going to focus on something very practical regarding the whole situation. It was also a very emotional time of course, but this is where the miracle comes in.

Suddenly, I had all the arrangements to make for her funeral and for going through all her possessions. All this was up to me because just 3 months before, my only brother had also died suddenly. It was all up to me.

After the funeral I had three weeks to get her apartment cleaned out and the key turned in.

I remember sitting there, alone in that apartment, and praying for God to help me. I had no idea what to do or where to start. I was a 41-year-old mother of three and had very poor organizational skills. I was not prepared nor equipped for what lay ahead of me. However, I am certain that what happened after that prayer was a God thing. I believe that after that prayer, He gave me the ability and enabled me to do what I needed to do.

The answer came in several stages. I know now that all of this was God directing me, even though it just came to me as an idea. First, it occurred to me to start at the door of the room I was in and consider each thing, one at a time as I worked. I felt like I should go around the room and tackle each thing. I simply obeyed God's leading and did exactly that. I may have been in shock; I don't remember many other details about that time of my life. This was probably for the best, because I needed to set emotions aside and work on the task at hand.

Sometimes extreme adversity that seems like it will break us is exactly what God uses to equip us for what He has planned for us.  

Every day for 3 weeks I worked all day at my job and then went to my mother's apartment to work on going through her stuff. At one point, as I started to encounter a LOT of pictures everywhere (my dad had been a photographer, so there were tons of them), the thought came to me that I should get three large plastic containers and sort the pictures into them by approximate time periods: 1) very old pictures, 2) pictures of my childhood era, and 3) pictures that were more current. 

The only explanation for how I was able to accomplish this is it was a miracle. I feel like God put the organizational skill into me that I needed to complete the task at hand. I went through all her stuff, sorting and organizing as if I were a professional organizer. I suddenly just knew how to proceed when faced with a house full of my mother's personal belongings. I had never been able to do that before in my life! But I was doing it, AND I was able to do it without crumbling into a million pieces emotionally.

That is a miracle, in my opinion.

I rented a storage building and put her furniture and the things I had boxed up into it, with plans to have a garage sale in the spring when it warmed up. I know I had to have had help to move all that furniture, but I have no memory of that at all. None.

Two months later, in April 1996, an F3 tornado ripped through our town and tore the roof partly off the storage building where all my mother's stuff was. When we were finally allowed in, I found most of it ruined, but the photos were unharmed because I had felt strongly that the pictures should be in waterproof containers.

This is no coincidence. It was GOD. He is the only possible explanation of how I could do what I did.

As far as the furniture went, I just had to consider most of it a loss. I was so thankful that I had put the pictures and sentimental items into plastic containers.

I told this story to encourage someone today. I have really felt strongly for several days that I had to share this story of how I became organized, a life skill that has served me well ever since that emergency time that I was facing a mountain with no way to move it. I believe God gave me the ability. I was a mess back then, and yet God worked a miracle to equip me for what He knew I would have to do. To this very day, I am still extremely organized. 

I am SO thankful for what He did for me during that very hard, stressful time in my life all those years ago.

I didn't really want to share this, it seemed silly to me that anyone would be interested, but the feeling that I had to was strong, so I did.

Someone reading this needs to know that God is willing and waiting to help if you will only ask. There may be a mountain in front of you, but He will show you what needs to be done and equip you for the task, whatever it is. It doesn't have to be the same type of help He gave me. It may be something completely different, but you feel you aren't up for the task. You can't do it unless He equips you.

He did it for me 26 years ago, and He will do it for you.  You are not alone. He is right beside you.

God is our refuge and strength, A very ready help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

Puzzling Times

The months since mid-March, when we were told we are in a pandemic, have been hard. 

At times I've felt isolated, like I was on a desert island with no boats in sight. It seemed at times like no one cared. None of my kids live near me, and it's so evident to me lately that I am alone.

I've had some anxiety, unsure of what lies ahead. I've basically become a hermit. For over 4 months, I only left the house for two reasons:  to do a grocery pick-up, not even getting out of the car, and go in to the office twice a week to do a few things for work that I can't do from home.

When school was about to start, I started going back daily, like normal. Only it's not normal. I stay in my office most of the day, and when I do leave I wear a mask.

The whole thing is stressful and so very "not normal." At times, it really starts to wear on me.

A couple of months ago, I was taking to my son and daughter-in-law, telling them how I was struggling emotionally. I really only feel safe when I am home, so that's where I stay most of the time. I don't unload often (at least I hope not) but that day, I guess it was showing that the stress was getting to me. I was battling depression, and I needed help. We talked a while, and I felt better after talking to them. 

About a week later, I came home to find a package on my front porch. My son and his wife had sent me a puzzle that they had worked recently, along with a sweet note. I was so touched at their gesture.

It's been on my kitchen table for the last couple of months, and at times I thought I would never get it together. But today, I put the last piece in. Finished!

While working on this puzzle, it occurred to me that the Christian walk has similarities to working a puzzle. 

We think we know what is right, until nothing seems to be going right. Eventually, we cry out to God for help, and He very patiently removes the piece we placed wrong and puts the correct piece in its place. 

This happened to me time and again while I was working on this puzzle. I would think I had it right; it seemed to fit, but later on it became evident that a specific piece just didn't go where I had put it. This particular brand of puzzle has a definite feel when you have it right. It just "schloops" right in, almost like it's magnetically drawn to the spot, and there is no more doubt that it's in the right place.

I know that may sound silly, but it seemed worth saying. Depression is a dark place that I have carefully avoided for many years, but have once again come dangerously close to. Working this puzzle was a reward to me for working all day. I could come home and work on the puzzle a little each day. It gave me something to look forward to.

I've written lots of times about getting free from depression, so it's probably surprising and perhaps disappointing to some of you to read that I'm struggling again. It's more complicated than "just going back there."

Depression is sneaky. It hangs around the edges and seizes any opportunity to drag its victims back into the darkness. This time, it felt like I was walking along in the fog and to one side there was a cliff.  On the other side, though, was my Savior, holding my hand and leading me back to a safer path.

During the last few weeks I have been doing much better. I know that Jesus never leaves me or forsakes me, and I am never alone. I've been walking with Him since October 1994 when I gave my life to Him. He has never once left my side, even though at times I have felt alone. 

He has been with me through it all, and He will never leave me. He will get me through this.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." Psalm 34:17-19

What Really Matters

As I have mentioned on here before, I've been de-cluttering and minimizing the stuff I have been holding on to. One time it may be sorting through a box of pictures; another time it might be as simple as cleaning out my sock drawer. This past Saturday, though, the organizing project was one I had been putting off because I dreaded it, but I really felt like it was the day for it.

These were boxes of memorabilia from my life before the divorce, going all the way back to childhood; boxes I had tried to go through unsuccessfully about 5 years ago. I was in a precarious place emotionally back then, due to emotional baggage that I had never dealt with. I just wasn't healed enough yet. Some of my parents' stuff was in those boxes, and even though my mother had been gone 15 years and my dad almost 30 years at that time, I wasn't prepared to face it. I hastily packed it all back up and stashed in the back of the closet, far out of sight and hopefully, out of mind.

By doing this I pushed the pain down into a corner of my heart, so to speak. It was out of sight and mind, but it was affecting me much more than I realized. I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I have learned from experience that raw emotions and hurts that are not brought to the Lord will eventually infect every part of the soul. Depression fueled by rejection, shame, and feelings of worthlessness was just beneath the surface all the time.

Thankfully, later  that year God miraculously set me free from that darkness and pain in my heart and I am forever changed. Still, I was a little hesitant to open those boxes, much less throw away or donate some of it. I knew it was time, though.

So I opened the closet and pulled those boxes out. There were the childhood memories, such as my Girl Scout sash and pins, various pictures and clippings from my childhood; and even some 45 records. There were mementos that represented my parents' lives. The items so painful to see that I had pushed them out of my sight for 5 years. Pathetic, I know, but this is what the enemy specializes in. Remember, he comes to "steal, kill, and destroy." He tried to destroy me but he was not successful, praise the Lord!

I'm not sure what I expected to feel upon seeing my mom and dad's treasured items again. One would probably expect to cry, or feel extreme sadness, but something very different happened. I felt joy. I felt relief. There was a release from the past and the hold it had over me. I was surprised but happy to finally be able to face the past; to hold in my hands mementos like a tiny American flag pin that my mother liked to wear on patriotic holidays. 

Looking through the boxes I found it difficult to believe that I had actually been afraid of this. It seemed silly to me that I would find it painful to see and hold these things again. I have now realized all these years later that I didn't lose my parents. I know where they are, and I know I will see them again one day. It was hard to accept back then, though, and I obsessed for way too long over the fact that I was the only survivor of my immediate family I grew up in. 

The rationale of the preceding paragraph is from the perspective of a delivered, free believer. Jesus has broken the chains I once dragged around. The reason I can see it so clearly now is because of the redeeming work that Christ has done in my heart. 

There is no way I could have ever untangled the mess that my life was in. One of the pictures I have attached is of several pieces of jewelry that were hopelessly knotted together. I tried for over half an hour to salvage the wooden cross necklace, the one piece in all that mess I really wanted to keep. Then it hit me that this was a perfect analogy of the cross. Only Jesus can set us free. When it's all said and done, only the cross of Christ matters. Because of the cross I am free!

I found it so ironic that same items that the Lord had given me the grace to box up in 1996 all by myself I was now going through again all by myself. It had caused me so much grief and pain for so many years. Just like He always does, though, He gave me the grace and ability to go through those boxes and throw away or put in the box to donate what I didn't need anymore. As a bonus (or maybe it was the whole reason all along?) I got a lesson in what really matters.

He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed. 1 Peter 2:24 NLT

Cast Your Cares

Have you ever had your heart broken, your spirit crushed? Have you felt like you were rejected, damaged, and broken beyond repair? I'm sure most of you have at some time or another had some heartbreak. Pain is a reminder that we live in a fallen world. None of us is exempt, but Jesus has the cure for the pain.

 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7 NLT

I'm not proud of the broken life I used to live, but God is using what the enemy meant for evil to do good. I am sometimes led to share some of it.

During prayer recently I was reminded of a time many years ago in my life when I was in one of those very painful places. Life had dealt me a series of hard blows, leaving me as a broken, damaged version of who God had created me to be. My heart had been broken into a million pieces and I was crushed emotionally. God has done a miraculous work in my life and I am completely healed from all that emotional damage, praise the Lord! But I'm feeling drawn to write about it, so here I am. 

I was a mess, but because of the Lord's redeeming love He has delivered me and set me free so well that before I could write this blog I literally had to look it up in my journal because I couldn't remember the details. Thank GOD I can't remember it! This is a testimony of His awesome, redeeming power and love. 

My journals are written in many volumes, spanning the last 22 years since my walk with Jesus began in 1994. They record the details of the journey and I feel strongly that I am supposed to keep them so others can benefit from hearing about what God has done for me. I don't live there anymore, though, and seldom go back into those darker volumes unless I feel led to do so. God gives me grace to read portions without being negatively affected, but He also gives me the sense to leave the past in the past.

Because of my fragile and broken emotions, I was easily hurt over small things. But if something substantial came along that was bad enough to knock even an emotionally stable person down, it was devastating to me. This is about one of those times where an incident hurt me very badly.

After the incident I was to the point emotionally that I had actually become sick physically. I couldn’t eat. For days, I had no appetite.  I ate next to nothing, only then because I felt like the Lord told me to eat.  So I did, but almost got sick. Grief consumed me.  I was functioning a little, sort of on “auto-pilot;” but I wanted to die. I cried out to the Lord repeatedly to help me, because I knew He was my only hope. 

Then one morning during my prayer time something happened. Looking back, I know it was the Lord. Suddenly, for about a ½ second, there was a brightness (I had my eyes closed, but it felt like a light was directed toward me).  Then, I felt the presence of Jesus.  First, His hands were on my head, and then He touched my heart.  For just an instant, it was heavy, like a weight was on it.  I had a cramping sensation in my stomach, like a resistance.  Then it was just GONE. The grief, pain—ALL GONE!!!  My heart was light.  I remember Him saying as He touched me, “you can’t bear this, so I am taking it.”  He took my pain!!!

I have never been the same since that day. I still had some emotional stuff to work through, but the incident that had caused me so much grief and heartache in that particular situation has never bothered me again. I have completely forgiven those who hurt me. I am completely free of the pain.  I don't think about it. I don't worry about it. Its power to hurt me has been neutralized.

If you identify with this at all and are having a struggle emotionally, take heart. You are not alone, and you aren't the only one who has ever felt the stinging pain that is so prevalent in our broken world. Do not believe the lies that the devil is telling you that you are too much a mess, that you are unlovable, or you have passed the point of being able to be redeemed by God. The devil is a LIAR.

God will do for you what He did for me. You have His Word on it.

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken. Psalm 55:22 NIV

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Recalculating

Recently, I was using GPS to help me find the airport when one of my sons flew in for Christmas. I had received advice from someone in the area to get off the interstate at a certain exit, but the GPS had other ideas. As soon as I passed the exit the GPS had told me to use, he said, "recalculating..." then gave me the updated instructions for which exit to use. Three times I passed the exit I was instructed to use, and three times I heard him say "recalculating," ever so politely, in a beautiful British accent.

Hey, you set your Siri the way you want. Mine is a British guy.

I laughed about it at the time, but it got me to thinking; doesn't God do that for us? He has a plan for each one of us, but sometimes we either don't ask His direction or we ask Him but then veer off the path He put us on and go our own way. We get ourselves into a mess, way off track from where we meant to be. Finally, we admit we messed up and go to Him for help. He gives us direction, possibly recalculated from what He told us earlier, depending on how far off course we have gone.

In my case, I had planned to go to college but fell in love in my senior year of high school. Since I had always seen myself as a mother, and even wrote in my journal that I wanted to have three children, I did what a lot of eighteen-year-old girls did back in the seventies:  I got married, intending it to be for life, because I believed--and still do--that marriage is forever.

Life happens, though. I did have three children, as I had always hoped I would, and they have turned out to be wonderful people. They were the joy of my life when they were little and still are today. The marriage, however, did not turn out well.

None of this took God by surprise, of course. He knew all along the course my life would take and had already set His plan for me in motion when I found myself divorced at 42.

I can second guess my choices, the paths I took, whether I should have turned here or there, and I have--many times--but it doesn't really matter. It's in the past, and the best I can do now is listen for the voice of God for directions.  Recalculated directions. Because He still has a plan for me. He didn't toss me aside because I didn't follow His plan precisely.

Whether I messed up and missed my exit, or took an exit when I should have stayed on course, God is right there with me, whispering directions to get me where He has planned for me to go.

If you are feeling like you missed God's plan for your life, or if you never even asked Him what His plan is, there is still time. First, if you've never trusted Jesus as savior, please do that now. Admit that you can't save yourself and invite Him to be Lord of your life. Then ask Him to give you directions, and He will.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Perception Problems

I've been going through old photos while listening to old music. Sounds funny, I know, but it's what I have been up to lately.

I've been in a season for the last 8-12 months or so. I can't really remember exactly when I entered this valley I've been in, but it's been at least that long. Maybe a little longer. It's not been a comfortable place to be, which is the case with most valley experiences.

A sadness started to develop in me from dwelling on the fact that all 3 of my children live away from this area. The closest is 3 1/2 hours, and thankfully that is the one who has the grandchildren. The other 2 are nine hours and twelve (or so) hours away by car. I could get there faster by flying, but it's too expensive.

Consequently, I don't see my children often.

So, I was feeling really down, and I sought the Lord for answers. He is the only one who knows why He moved them so far away, after all. So I had questions, and I know He had answers. He just didn't choose to reveal those answers right away. All communication seemed to be one-way--me to Him--although I knew He was right there.

He was just so silent.

I prayed and talked to God every day, and did what I know to do. I prayed for my family and for those He put on my heart. I read my daily Bible reading. I went to church. I had praise and worship music on a good bit of the time.

Meanwhile, I had stopped working on pictures back at the start of this valley when it got too painful, back when I was only working with pictures of my early childhood. Off and on in the last couple of years I have worked on them, more out of a sense of obligation than joy. I am, after all, the family historian by default. My mom, dad, and brother passed away many years ago, so it's up to me. My children are going to inherit all these pictures from our heritage someday, and I want them to know who these people are. Since my parents were terrible at writing on the backs of photos, I had to organize them and write captions to identify people and times.

Slowly, over the course of the last couple of months, I began to have a longing to go through the old pictures again. Simultaneously, I was drawn to Southern Gospel music from my childhood and teen years.

What?!?

It made no sense to me, because I never liked that type of music, even when it was all there was in the Christian music world. I was the rebel that, once I discovered her, listened to Reba Rambo in the 70s in spite of my brother's protests that I would go to hell for listening to Christian rock. He was halfway kidding. I think.

So, I walked away from all that type of music 25 years ago and never looked back. I discovered contemporary Christian and Vineyard worship music in the 90s. It is still my preference, I might add.

But I digress. Back to the longing to work on pictures and listen to old music. I listened to my Pandora playlists and looked up music on YouTube to access the music I wanted to find, all while working on the pictures.  The two seemed to go together.

It was like the train wreck that you can't stop looking at. I didn't want to listen to that old music, but at the same time, I was drawn to it. I didn't think I could handle seeing all those old pictures of my childhood, because it was just a reminder to me of how alone I was. However, day after day when I came in from work, I would drift into the spare room where I had the boxes of pictures and scrap-booking supplies. An hour here and there, and before I knew it I was into the grade school pictures of my childhood.

A funny thing happened as I listened to old music and looked at old pictures. God was healing me from the inside out. There were wounds from childhood and teen years that I didn't even know about. I had buried them so deeply that I seemed to forget, until I saw a picture or heard a song that triggered a bad or painful memory. This has gone on for weeks now, and as of today, I'm working on pictures from my senior year in high school.

God has redeemed my past -- pictures and music -- in the marvelous fashion that He manages to do while we are tempted to think He isn't paying attention. The music I thought I hated has grown on me. It's still not my favorite, but I can endure it now because as I looked at those pictures with that music playing, He restored my soul in that area. He has attached new memories for the music and the pictures in place of the bad ones by causing me to remember something happy about each section of my life.

I still don't understand how He did it, but it all came into focus a few nights ago. I found I was listening to a mixture of gospel, contemporary Christian, and Vineyard/Hillsong worship music and singing along as I journaled captions about the pictures I am putting in a scrapbook.

I have my joy back! I realized tonight that I am no longer doing this out of obligation; I can't wait to get back to work on these albums! God has downloaded the skill into me to do this and given me a passion for it.

So, nothing has really changed in my life, but now I see it through a different lens. God has miraculously altered my perception in several areas:

Instead of feeling alone and abandoned, I now choose to remember that I have many ways to keep in touch with my kids. The internet is a fabulous tool. I am thankful that I have children and grandchildren, and I proud that they are fulfilling God's purpose for their lives. I still don't know why they all live so far away, but God has a purpose for it, and He has given me grace to bear it. I am blessed.

Instead of feeling slighted by God because I grew up like an only child, since my brother was grown and out of the house by the time I was old enough to begin to know I even had a brother, I choose to remember that He has given me very dear friends who have become sisters and brothers, and as a bonus, I now have nieces and nephews. I am blessed.

Instead of feeling obligated to be family historian, I now choose to see it as a privilege that God allows me to record all the facts and history and I get to journal about the pictures so there is a story told through them! We all know how much I love to write!  I am blessed.

If you're struggling with sadness or feeling alone and abandoned, take heart. God can and will fix that. You just have to give it to Him. He will take it from there. 

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16 NIV

All Sufficient Grace

Most of my life up until I was about 40 I was not really organized.  I wasn't necessarily disorganized; I just didn't have any special organizing abilities to speak of. I felt disorganized, raising 3 kids in a 900 square foot home, but I think that was because there wasn't enough storage and therefore not enough places to put everything away. Seriously, is there ever enough storage for all the items you need with babies and children?

Two distinctive things happened within a year before and after I turned forty: First, two months before my 40th birthday I had a life-changing, crying and sobbing on the floor God experience when I gave Him my heart. From that moment on, at 12 noon on Oct. 31, 1994, I have never been the same. Second, about a year after I turned 40 I lost my brother and my mother within 3 months' time.

This was a traumatic time in my life. My brother died on Dec. 3, 1995 at only 55--too young to die. It was devastating to my mother, who was 77 at the time. I don't think she ever really recovered.  Not quite 3 months later, on Feb. 28, my mother died suddenly. Even though she was in ICU already from a heart attack a couple of days earlier, they were unable to revive her.

And so I was left the sole survivor of the family I grew up in. My dad had passed in 1983, so I was the only one left. I didn't see how I could possibly get through this and bear these losses.  It didn't occur to me until recently that He knew I could bear these losses.  He sustained me through it all and gave me the grace I needed. It was all part of His master plan.

This brings me to the point of this post. He got me through this difficult time emotionally with a peace that passes all understanding. I can't explain it, I just knew I would come through ok. What I didn't know was how much God was about to change my life.

Suddenly, I had about three weeks to get my mama's apartment packed up and moved to storage until I could get a yard sale together. No pressure at all.

I remember walking into her apartment and looking around the room thinking "where do I start?" And then God spoke to me. It was life-changing to me, but some of you will have heard this if you watch reality TV shows by professional organizers or read their blogs. Bear in mind, though, that this was 20 years ago; internet was just getting started and there were no reality shows on TV. Professional organizers were not really a thing yet. So even though what I felt He was saying is very basic and logical, it had escaped me my whole life. I had never thought of this or heard it from any source. I felt strongly impressed to do the following:

"Focus on one thing at a time. Do not worry about all the other stuff in the room.  Just deal with what's in front of you."  

That may not be earth-shattering to you, but it was revelation knowledge to me back then. Essentially what the Lord showed me was to start at the doorway and move clockwise around the room until everything had been dealt with. For instance, I took a dresser drawer in the bedroom and focused on its contents using the "keep, toss, sell" directions like the organizers do. I boxed it up or threw it away and moved on to the next dresser drawer.

You may be thinking, "wow, she's cold-hearted and unfeeling." However, I am very sentimental. This was a daunting task, and if God had not helped me I could not have done it!  But by the sheer grace of God, I was able to detach myself emotionally from my mother's belongings so that I could sort through it and get it ready to give away, sell, or throw it away. Some of it did go into storage until I could decide, but I was able to decide on most of it during that process. 

It took me 3 weeks, going after work and on the weekends, to box up her apartment. We rented a storage building and stored her furniture to put in a yard sale when I had a chance to get that together. I had some help at times from my husband and kids, but I had to make all the decisions about the stuff. No one could do that part for me. It was mine alone to do, and I knew it.

Because my dad was a photographer, and both he and my mom kept virtually everything, there were a lot of pictures. A LOT. I was finding random pictures in every drawer, nook and cranny and I began to feel the need to organize them chronologically. 

Then I felt strongly--probably the urging of the Holy Spirit again--that I should put the photographs in plastic containers. Maybe this would seem like common sense, but it had never occurred to me until I was in the middle of it.  I went and bought large clear plastic storage boxes and sorted the pictures into them. In April 1996, three weeks after I turned in the key to my mom's apartment, an F-3 tornado came through our town and ripped part of the roof off the storage building where her furniture and personal belongings, including all those pictures, were stored. 

It was over a week before we were allowed to go in and check on our storage, because the storage building was in a heavily damaged part of town. Trees and power lines were down and houses were reduced to splinters. When we finally got in there, a lot of the furniture was ruined due to the rain that continued all night after the tornado went through our area, and a lot of the boxed items were, too. However, the pictures, safe in their plastic containers, were unharmed. Every one of them.  I'm so thankful I listened to that still, small voice that told me to put the pictures in plastic containers.

It's been 20 years this month since I was in the middle of cleaning out my mother's apartment, but through the years I have retained my God-given ability to organize and deal with all manner of "stuff." There are times when I still walk into a room and wonder where to start, but I simply ask God to show me and He does. Every time. Maybe He allows me to feel overwhelmed sometimes to remember that He is my source, I don't know.  I do know this for sure:  I give Him all the glory for my organizational abilities.  I could not do it without His guidance and His all-sufficient grace.

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT.