Sadness and Hope

Well, obviously I haven't been writing. My last post was in March, and here it is, June. What have I been up to, since I'm not writing?

I guess you'd say I've been a little down in the dumps.  

Moving. It's a stressful experience for most people. Even just moving across town can be a challenge. I've done that--move across town-- multiple times in my 67 years. I always moved within a few miles of where I had been living. After a while, I adjusted to my new digs, whether it was a step up or a step down. 

Let's don't delude ourselves into thinking that every move is an improvement. Most of mine have been, but some weren't.

Over the years, every time I moved, whether it was a great move or just a necessary move, it was always in the town where I grew up. So while I had to unpack and settle into a different home, I had familiar surroundings right outside the door; my wonderful little hometown. 

Home Sweet Home. I never considered moving out of my hometown until all my kids moved away. I love my hometown; always will. However, living alone in a town without any of my immediate family in it became unbelievably lonely during the pandemic. I decided that when I retired at the end of the 2020-2021 school year that I would sell my house and move to the town where my daughter and her family lives. I was tired of simply watching everyone be with their grandkids; I wanted to be around mine, too.

So here I am, settled in to my cozy little duplex in a town which is a 3 1/2 hour drive from where I lived for the first 66 years of my life. Yes, that's right. Three and a half hours. I've never been a fan of driving, and now it's also expensive.

No regrets. Am I sorry I moved? No, I am not! I have family about 2 miles away. I can be at my daughter's house in less than 15 minutes. I see my grandkids at least once a week; sometimes more often. I love that I'm getting to be a part of their lives. I love that I got to attend my grandson's Kindergarten graduation and the school awards assembly for my granddaughter in person for the first time. I love that I get to have lunch with my daughter on a weekly basis. 

What's the problem, then? Well, I'm sad. I'm homesick. There, I said it. I'm sad, because I miss my hometown. I'm sad because I miss my friends, extended family, and co-workers. I worked at one school for 26 years and I miss those people dearly. 

I lived in my hometown for sixty-six years. That's a long time. I had never lived anywhere else before. I didn't go off to college even. I married right out of high school and stayed in my hometown and raised my children.

I'm not upset that my children all "flew the coop" and moved to other cities and states. I raised them to have wings. I told them all as they grew up that if they could dream it, they could do it. I meant it, too. They are happily living their lives in their chosen vocations. All three have advanced educations, for which I am grateful and proud.

I just needed to write and express my feelings. If I've learned anything about emotional well-being, it's that bottled up emotions are not healthy. I've been really "stuck" for the last few months; unable to make myself do the things on my "to-do" list because I wouldn't give myself permission to be sad. I felt like I shouldn't be grieving the loss of everywhere and everyone I ever knew except for my daughter and her family. So I pushed it down and tried to "soldier on" as the British say. 

I'm declaring tonight that I've gone through a major emotional upheaval. My sadness has to give way to hope, though, because I'm giving it to God and asking for grace and peace, which I know He will give. He's put lots of projects on my heart, but two of them are front and center:

I'm writing a book. I've been wanting to work on it, but I haven't been able to focus on it. Getting started is usually the hardest step; at least it was when I was in college and needed to write a paper.

I'm the self-declared "family historian." I know I have lots of work to do, organizing and working on my photo albums, journaling throughout the pages to help the pictures tell the story of my family. I have always loved working on these albums. It's time to get back to it.

This has been a raw and real post, but it has been very cleansing. I know that tomorrow I will start to feel better and will be better able to take a step toward my ever-growing list of things to do.

Perhaps someone reading this has had a similar experience and is also feeling stuck. It's ok to feel sad, but don't feel sad alone. Talk to someone. Also, tell God about it. He will lead you to the healing you need. He is doing that for me.

I will forever love and miss my hometown and those dear friends I left there, but  I am allowing myself space to feel the sadness and then give it to God. I will visit there periodically, and see old friends and familiar sights now and then. 

I have a book to work on, and picture albums to journal in. 

Tonight though, season 9 of Call the Midwife beckons. (At least the first episode. It's getting late). I'm loving re-watching all these. I love British TV! I also love Father Brown and Doctor Who. 

Be blessed, my friends. <3

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

Not a Blackout Curtain

My bedroom faces east, and because of this I have blackout curtains so I can sleep past the crack of dawn. Now that I'm retired, I'm blessed that on most days I can allow my body's natural circadian rhythm to decide when I go to bed and when I wake up. Today, sunrise was officially 7:01 am, but of course it starts to get light out way before the sun is actually up. 

I woke up shortly before 8 am this morning, and I noticed that sunlight was peeking out of a couple of places where I didn't get the curtains completely closed last night. Light was also streaming out all around the edges, like sunlight was trying to sneak in any way it could.

Sunlight was breaking through the barrier I had hung to try and keep it out. My curtains looked like they were "bursting at the seams," letting the overpowering sunlight through against their best efforts to stop it. They could not hold back the light completely.

It made me think of how we who are Christians have the light of Jesus within us. The Bible says, "we have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure." (2 Corinthians 4:7, NLT).

Sometimes His light, also known as His love, shines through us to others. It might be as simple as a smile to someone. Or maybe we have a song bubbling up in us and we start singing or humming a tune. Other times it might be shown in another way, such as feeling led to give a stranger in front of you at the store a twenty-dollar bill when it becomes apparent that they are short on the amount needed to make the purchase they were attempting to make.

A smile or a song doesn't cost us anything, but it might make someone's day.  Giving to someone in need could help restore that person's faith. We have no idea what the people we encounter are going through. 

I don't mean to come across "preachy." I was convicted by the Holy Spirit this morning and I wrote about it in my journal. I even snapped a picture to remind myself that I need to let God's light shine through me more often. I couldn't quit thinking about it, so I decided to share it.

Blackout curtains are a wonderful invention for those of us who are night owls with an east-facing bedroom window. But we have the light of Christ within us! I for one feel like I don't let it out nearly often as I need to. I'm not a blackout curtain, and I need to stop acting like one.

"Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16 NASB

What I Read in February 2022

February has come and gone. Since it's only 28 days 3/4 of the time, it doesn't take long. I'm always sad to see February go; the last remnants of cold weather (which I love!) are usually gone by the time March shows up in the southern state I live in.

I'm not totally moving away from encouraging posts, but I'm trying something new. Once a month I will be posting what I read in the previous month. If you like to read, maybe you'll get some ideas of what to read next from my meager little list. If you find this helpful, comment on my Facebook or Twitter posting of this blog and let me know what you are reading. I'm always looking for recommendations. 

And now, let's get to it:

I did get a lot of reading done in February with all the ice and snow we got this year. Following is the list of what I completed during the month. Note: I am not very practiced at reviewing books or movies. I hope to hone this skill, but for now, my assessments will be sparse.

Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie. I had never read any of her works, and I decided it was high time. I really enjoyed it and will be reading more of her books and more from this genre in general. I've found I like mysteries. (I should have known I would since I love the British TV show Father Brown.) After I had read the book, I watched an older version of the movie that I found on a streaming channel for free. It followed the book very well and was nicely done I thought. There is a more recent version that I may watch eventually, but it was about $5 and I was looking for free.

When We Believed in Mermaids by Barbara O'Neal. This came highly recommended by a fiction book club I follow on Facebook. I was not disappointed. It was not at all hard to get into and held my interest the entire time. It was a great read; it was both compelling and heartwarming.

The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett. This was a delightful book I listened to on a trip "back home" to attend a funeral a couple of weeks ago. I've wanted to read something by him for a while, and my younger son recommended this one to start. It was so good! It's actually a children's book, and there are 4 or 5 of them in the Tiffany Aching series of his books. It's fantasy, so if you like that genre give it a try. It's a pretty fast read. I will be reading the rest of this series and will move on to more of his books. His writing style is captivating.

Fly Away by Kristin Hannah. This is the sequel to Firefly Lane by Hannah. I found it a little hard to get into; it's very dark and depressing at first. If you stick with it, though, you will be rewarded. By the time I was halfway through I had trouble finding a stopping place. It is a very good book, full of the character development, in-depth looks at real life, and all the little details I've come to expect from this author. 

Those are the four books I finished during February. I have also been reading Max Lucado's 3:16, one chapter (sometimes 2) at a time as part of my morning Bible and devotional time. I'll include it as part of March books, because I will finish it within the next week or so. 

I didn't think I could read more than one book at a time until I remembered my years in college. Since I was an English major, there was often lots of reading for multiple classes. I did it then, and I can do it now. It's really no different, except now I'm reading whatever I want to.

During an emotionally low part of my journey a number of years ago, I found I needed to read for pleasure again. A part of my soul was in need of a different type of reading, somewhat like one might watch a movie to relax and forget troubles for a bit. Some might say it's escapism, and they would be right. I need some of that in my life. Books take me to faraway lands and let me have experiences I would never have otherwise. But I digress. I do not need to defend my choice to read.

As I have grown older, however, I will admit I have learned to pace myself. When I was younger, I did not know how to "reign it in," so to speak. It was all or nothing; I either read non-stop or didn't read at all. I also didn't read the variety of books I've come to enjoy in the last fifteen years or so. I think college reading gave me a taste of better reading material. It broadened my horizons and whet my appetite for different genres than I had read before. 

So with that said, I'm reading again, but it's only a small facet of my wonderful retirement days. There's so much I enjoy doing! I'm working on photo organization, decorating my new home, watching YouTube for decorating and minimalism encouragement, and in the near future, I will be converting VHS tapes to digital. I'm a busy lady! I don't know how I had time to work before! LOL!

Reading brings me joy! I find myself happier, more content, and more inclined to be joyful and want to pass on that joy to others when I've spent an hour or so a day reading.

I don't like to close without leaving you with some word of encouragement, so I always try to end with a scripture. I found this passage in Psalm 63 to be encouraging.

"So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips." Psalm 63:4-5 NASB

Until next time, be blessed! I love you, my friends! 

What I've Been Up To

So, here's what I've been up to...

Retirement is wonderful. For the past 8 months since I left my job and stepped into the unknown world as a retiree in a new town, I have slept in a lot, read, watched TV and movies, and spent a lot of time with my family that I moved here to be close to. 

At first, after I was unpacked and settled in, I just wandered through my duplex trying to figure out what I needed to do. 

Suddenly, for the first time in many years, I felt like I didn't have a purpose. That whole post last week was about how I am a writer and need to allow myself to do that. I will do more of that, but that's only one facet of my new life.

I have so many things I want to do, and now I finally have time to do them. However, at times it's so overwhelming! What to choose? 

I have my self-imposed "family historian" duties, which I have taken on myself to do because I love working on that. I'm revising photo albums with journaling on the pages to describe who are in the pictures and what the event was. Also, I'm scanning older printed pictures into digital storage for back up.

There are the collector souvenir spoons I have been collecting since 1974. The collection is getting large and I'm looking at new ways to display them. So, there's that project.

Of course, there are always books to read. I have been reading a lot more, although it's usually only an hour before bed at night. I don't sit and read all day, though I guess I could some days if I wanted to. I have fallen in love with books again after many years of not reading very much. I'm using the public library here, visiting every other week to take back and check out more books. It's a wonderful place, and big enough to get lost in. I love it.

Perhaps one of the most important things I've been doing is paying better attention to my health. I've started walking at a local park that has an excellent system of trails. I walked three days this past week. My legs ached at night, but I was pleased that I had finally been motivated enough to get some exercise.

So, this is not an earth-shattering type of post; just a little note to let my readers know that first, I really to intend to write more and second, life is good in my little neck of the woods where I now live. I'm adapting.

I'll leave this little bit of encouragement from Philippians:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 NASB

Until next time, be blessed my friends. Love y'all! 💓

Work Looks Different These Days

A couple of days ago, I realized I hadn't been writing in my journal. In fact, I became aware that I was not lingering as long to hear from the Spirit in my quiet time in the mornings, when I have prayer and Bible reading. 

Ironically, I finally became aware of this because I lingered a little longer. Yep.

I had been reading Psalm 34 over and over; I read some parts out loud, and I sat and meditated on what its meaning was. The whole chapter is amazing, but I want to focus on this part:

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:13, 14.  

The last phrase, "seek peace and pursue it" really hit home with me. I started thinking, how do I seek peace?

This led me to ponder why I haven't been sitting as long, listening, and writing in my journal. Then I began to comprehend what was going on:

I feel like I should be "busy;" up and dressed and "doing something constructive." All those years I was in the work force, I was up and "being constructive" by no later than 7:30 am in the morning in the school office. 

It dawned on me that I have been feeling like I'm being lazy. I have falsely believed that "busy is good" and "being still is laziness."

But, as I have discovered in the last few years, I'm a writer. It's actually my only job now, since I retired. Writers have to sit still to write what they need to write. It's how they do their work; it's the method needed to do their job!

Since retirement last July, I have not ceased being busy; and when I am not being busy and on my feet doing some type of physical work like laundry, housework, or sorting through stuff to donate, I have fallen into the trap of feeling guilty for not being productive. 

Sidenote: I've even allowed myself to feel guilty for reading so much more (mostly an hour before bed, or 15 minutes here and there waiting to pick up the grandkids). I've averaged about a book a week since January 1. 

It is probably understandable to still feel like I need to be doing something; after all, I had to pull my non-morning-person self up and force myself out the door to work for so many years. So many years.

Back then, I had a sense of purpose. I knew what I was supposed to do. It was, by the way, a desk job requiring me to sit and do computer work and deposits and all that bookkeeper type of stuff.  Strange that I never felt like I was not being productive by sitting still back then.

It was a wonderful job, and it was given to me by God. I loved my job, and because God gave it to me, He enabled me to be good at it. In and of myself I wouldn't have been able to do it. 

It was actually painful to give it up, but I knew deep in my heart that it was time...time to do the job God has given me for this next phase of my life.

Writing.

God put writing within me a long time ago. It's a gift; part of His spiritual gift in me of encouragement. 

How does that work? A person who has struggled with depression and anxiety for most of her life is an encourager?

Crazy I know. But here we are. However, I always know I have to lean close in and hear from God. I cannot do this without Him. He gets all the glory that way.

So, if He wants me to exercise my gift to write and encourage, He knows I have to have some part of my day to sit and do just that. Therefore, I should not feel guilty for sitting and listening to the Lord when I'm meditating on His word.

Some people are called to do the more physical things, like those called to hospitality. Man, I wish I could do those things! Those people who love to cook and plan parties and stuff like that. God love them, they are so important! We need them. I'm in awe of them; I can't do what they do. 

I am not that person, and I've finally just admitted it.

I can no longer accept the condemnation heaped on me by my own perception of what productivity looks like. I've felt inadequate for far too long. Those people who are naturally physically active people who have the capacity to be more active, those who like to cook and entertain, or the ones who are outgoing and can talk to people with ease are exercising their God given gifts. God put that within them to do those things.

I'm no way trying to say they are better than I am, or I am better than they. Please hear my heart on this. 

They have their job to do, and I have mine.

"Lord, today I accept the assignment You gave me all those years ago when I accepted You as Savior, and I fully embrace it. I will be still and know you are God; and I will write."

Blessings, friends. 💗

January Happenings

So here I am, January 29 and just now writing a blog post in 2022. I've lived here in a new town for almost six months now. My first day here, when I rolled into town with the remainder of what was in my house before I went to the closing was August 3, 2021. Six months next Thursday. Wow.

I did a recap of 2021 in my last post, so I won't do that. I will say that I have been to my hometown twice since I moved here. The first time was in December, the weekend of the Christmas parade in my hometown and of course I went to it with one of my best friends who is like a sister. It was awesome! I love Christmas.

The second time was a couple of weeks ago when I had to see my doctor from back home to get my meds refilled for the next six months. I only stayed one night because we were due to get snow here the night I drove back. I got home before the snow started, but not by a lot.

We've actually had snow 3 times since January 1; the first time was January 6. It started snowing after the school buses ran that morning and melted by 3:00 to the point where it was safe to drive, so they didn't even get out of school for it. Unbelievable! Of course, as a public school employee for 26 years, I always think about snow in terms of "will we get to stay home?" Haha! I'm a kid at heart. I felt bad for them; kids and staff members alike.

The second time, January 15, it was snowing when I got up. It snowed all day long, and into the night. However, it was above freezing all day, around 34 degrees, so we only accumulated about 2 inches. It was sticking some, but also melting. It probably snowed a foot that day. It finally dropped below freezing well after dark, then it stopped snowing. Then it snowed again on January 19. My grandma would have predicted that it would; she always said if the snow stayed on the ground 3 days it was waiting on another one. LOL! Old wives' tales. Sometimes they run true.

The January 19 snow stuck with no problem because it was well below freezing. It just didn't snow as long this time. We probably got a little over an inch.

I've included a couple of pictures of the snow on January 15. Snow was the big news for the month, at least for me. I love snow! Even though I'm retired now and get to stay home every day, I still love the snow! It's magical to me, watching it snow.

Oh, and I had birthday number 67. I'm telling my age these days because why not? I'm retired, so who am I fooling if I try to hide my age? I'm feeling really blessed these days that I've been allowed to have another birthday. I hope I have a whole bunch more. I have lots of projects to do that will take many years to accomplish.

Thanks, my friends, for taking the time to read my little blog. Hopefully, I'll get in a routine of writing more often. 

God bless you all! 

You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever. Psalm 16:11

In the last bit of 2021...

We are in the last 2 hours of 2021 as I write this. Until a few minutes ago, I have been sitting alone in my living room and binge-watching the first season of Lost in Space (the new version...though I'm old enough to remember the version that was on TV in the 60s). This version is pretty good. I had watched season 1 and then never got around to watching season 2. Now, there's a season 3 and I didn't remember what happened in season 1. So I started over.

It is worth mentioning that God has done an amazing work in my heart, because I actually prefer being alone tonight watching Netflix. In not too distant years past, FOMO (fear of missing out) would have pulled me out of the house to some event. I so desperately needed to belong for so many years. Now, however, I'm content and happy to be alone on New Year's Eve.

This year that is drawing to a close, 2021, brought a lot of changes to my life. At times I look around and marvel at what God has done in my life.

January through June, I finished out my contract in the office of the school where I had worked since 1995. It still blows my mind that I no longer work there.

That portion of the year flew by, and I found myself among the ranks of the retired on July 1. I sold my house, packed up, and moved to a town that is a 3-and-a-half-hour drive away from my beloved hometown; the only place I had ever lived. I miss it, but I at the same time I am loving retirement and having my family so close by. 

It has been an adjustment, but a good one. In mid-September, I found a duplex in a good neighborhood. I really like it here. I do miss my friends from my hometown, but the trade-off is I get to see my grandkids often; at least once a week. 

There are some things I don't like. I was used to living in a small town which was next door to a bigger town. There were lots of different stores, restaurants, and really great medical care. 

Here, we are in a smaller town in the middle of nowhere:

There is no drive through Starbucks! 

The variety of restaurants and retail stores is very limited.

And I still haven't found a doctor who will take on a new patient, which means that in a couple of weeks, in order to get my prescriptions refilled for the next 6 months, I have to go back to my physician in the larger city that I lived close to previously. 

I tell myself, though, that these are first-world problems. I will survive. I don't need to eat out or shop much anyway, and I found a drive though (though non-Starbucks) coffee place.

When it's all said and done, I would do it all again. I am in the same town with my daughter and her family for the first time. Having family across town is amazing. 

My youngest son and his wife visited me for Christmas, and while we were having dinner at my daughter's house, we zoom called my oldest son. So I was talking to all my children that day. 

This year has had its challenges, but it has had good things too. 

I noticed this entry in my journal, and I want to share it.

"Your lovingkindness, O Lord, extends to the heavens, Your faithfulness reaches to the skies...the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They drink their fill of the abundance of Your house; and You give them to drink of the river of your delights."  --Psalm 36--

Bottom line: God takes care of us wherever we are. He is good and faithful, and I feel really blessed.

Happy New Year to all my friends and family! May 2022 be a good year filled with Hope and Promise for you all!