Do You Trust Me?

That's what I heard the Lord say to me tonight, when I quit crying out to Him long enough to listen.  "Do you trust me?"  I had to admit, it was a good question.  So, what is trust?

According to Webster's Dictionary, to trust is "to place confidence in; to depend on."  It is also "to commit or place one's care or keeping."  It is "to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of; to believe."

So, do I trust Him?  That kind of hit me right between the eyes.  My immediate response would be "of course I do!"  But do I?  I have been sitting here asking Him for answers that I have already asked Him for.   I have been reminding Him of how miserable I feel tonight, and how He promised to fix it all.  I have been so impatient, wanting my problem solved; my needs met.

Do I trust Him?  I have trusted Him to be my Savior, but do I trust Him in the everyday drudgery that life gets to be at times?  There are things, hopes, promises that I have placed in His care, that I have "committed to His care or keeping" as the dictionary says.  Am I trusting Him, or am I trying to take them back because I don't see any progress?  

Tonight, I got a reality check; I realized that I was indeed trying to do just that.  There are certain valuable dreams, hopes and promises that He has shown me He is and will provide for, and that HE will work out in His own time, and yet I have been lamenting and crying over the state of things as I see them.  I have put Him in the same category with mere humans, who sometimes can be trusted, but sometimes can't.  We are frail; we are weak, and we slip, fall, mess up, disappoint friends, and basically fall short of our own expectations.  

But God is God.  He doesn't mess up.  EVER.  He knows the end from the beginning.  He has a perfect plan for my life, and He is working it out in His perfect timing. I entrusted all that I love and treasure, all my dreams, family, friends, and future into HIS hands.  I can't take it back now.  I'm the one that screwed it all up to start with. 

Do I trust God?  Yes, I do.  He's the only one that is completely trustworthy.

"Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant." 2 Samuel 7:28

Change

Change is not something that comes easily for me.  It seems that just when things finally get like I like them, they change.  I then find myself re-adjusting to something new, finally accepting the change and settling in...only to find it is changing yet again.  

This has been the case with my life, especially in the last year or so. My life is constantly shifting and changing, and I find myself attempting to adjust and keep going, somewhat like a person trying to walk on a boat that is in rough water.  At times, I have been depressed about the constant change, and have found myself wishing I could just find somewhere solid where I could be assured nothing would change.  Now, don't get ahead of me here.  I know you can see where I'm going, but hang on a minute.  

I have tried to find solace in being busy, in church work, in friends, and in work.  I have even attempted to find solace in just zoning out and watching TV.  I have tried to crawl in a hole and pull it in after me, but to no avail--I keep having to go to work and function there.  The pain inside has continued to grow, and I have been on the verge of tears constantly for months now.  I never cry, but the tears are there, just under the surface.

Just when I thought I could not take it anymore, I was reminded a few days ago by the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit to come to Jesus and let Him be my solid place.  He alone is the unchanging, unmoving person in my life that is NEVER. GOING. ANYWHERE.  He promised He would never leave me nor forsake me.  I knew that, but I had somehow lost sight of it.  

I can't depend on friends or family to always be there.  This has been a major source of pain lately, but they are just doing what people do. They are changing, growing, moving forward.  It's not that they don't love me; they do.  It's not them; it's me. I have just lost sight of my Source, my Refuge, and my Provider.  I have tried to find my worth in people, and it's not there.  It has never been there, and it never will be.  My life, my worth, my value is in HIM.  It is in Jesus Christ.  If I try to find it somewhere else, I will end up disappointed and feeling abandoned.

So this is where I'm at tonight.  Throwing myself at the feet of Jesus--again--and asking Him to be my Rock and my Refuge.  He has been there all along, ever since I trusted in Him as my Savior in 1994.  This is true; but I have overlooked the fact that He is there; I have bought into the lies of satan that I am all alone in the world.  Listening to those lies can cause you to lose focus on what's real and secure.  Reading His word and standing on it is the only way to overcome those lies. 

So I'm asking Him to fill all those hollow, empty places in my heart that I have attempted to fill with everything but Him.  I'm holding on to Him so I don't get dizzy when life starts the merry-go-round of change again.  He is the one and only constant in my life.  The one and only.

No matter what changes in my life He will be there.  I have His word on it.

Ironically FREE!

It's been exactly one year since I moved into my very own little house. I blogged about it then, how that I was sitting here exhausted from a day of moving, and realized that it was Halloween, and therefore my spiritual birthday.  I totally gave my heart over to Jesus on October 31, 1994, sixteen years ago today, and I have never looked back.  Considering that this is the date on which demonic forces are tolerated and even entertained by the general population, this is very ironic.  I even raised my kids to go trick-or-treating back in the day, before I discovered the truth, but in my defense they never dressed up like anything very dark or demonic.

He continues to bless me and provide for me, over and above what I could ask or imagine.  He has set me free from so much bondage!  He has brought me out of depression, a spirit of fear, suicidal thoughts, and complete lack of self-worth.  He continues to be at work in me, chipping away at the layers of damage from years of my being caught in satan's web of deceit. I am constantly realizing that I am walking out of something else that had me bound.  I have even noticed lately that I am not as uncomfortable around people I do not know well, which means He is delivering me from a life-long affliction of shyness.  This might not seem like a big deal, but trust me, coming from a person who used to get physically ill when forced to talk to strangers--it is!  It is a process, and Jesus is walking with me every step. Praise God!  Thank you Jesus, for saving me and delivering me from the wages of sin. 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:20,21).

Forget the Former Things

I am kind of a private person, and for a long time didn’t want to share so much online. Time is short, though, and I am convicted for my silence. I feel that I no longer have the right (if I ever did) to keep this encouragement from God to myself. If this helps one person, it’s worth it.

For a while now, I have been second-guessing myself and entertaining doubts about my divorce. Did I really try as hard as I should have to make the marriage work? I was beginning to believe that God was really disappointed in me and I would now never fulfill what He had planned for me. God had an intervention planned though; through the words of a Christian comedian.  As he talked about forgetting the past and pressing on, I was reminded of a scripture that had come to my attention 15 years ago.

You see, God spoke to me on Jan. 18, 1995 (it's marked in my old, worn, NIV Bible from the early days of my Christian walk) through Isaiah 43:18-19. I felt strongly that He wanted me to take note of that passage of the Word.  I worried and puzzled over that scripture for years, wondering what was His angle?  What was He trying to tell me?  Several times through the years it would come up again, and I never quite got it.  I didn't understand, and so I put it aside, so to speak.  I hadn't come across that in a long time, but He reminded me of that scripture tonight, so I looked it up....and it suddenly made perfect sense.

It starts out "forget the former things, do not dwell on the past..." HELLO! Yea, He knows me, doesn't He? Ok, so He has my attention. He knows I am prone to dwelling on my mistakes and failures. He wants me to look forward, though, not backward: “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”   The scripture continues "I am making a way in the desert…” Yes, you could say that the divorced life is like a desert; a parched, dry heart, a cracked and broken life. You could even call it a wasteland:

1. land that is uncultivated or barren

…but even more accurate in my case is

2. an area that is devastated, as by flood, storm, or war.

Does that sound familiar?  It does to me.  I certainly can relate to the pain and devastation caused by divorce, that's for sure! God allowed me to go through that horrible ordeal as part of His plan. I don't understand completely, and I know He hates divorce, but He is taking what satan meant for evil in my life and using it for His glory. He has been with me every step of the way.

He goes on to say there will be “streams in the wasteland."   So….He is making a way, a path; He is formulating a plan in the middle of the dry, barren, hopeless looking situation left in the wake of divorce. Not only that, He is creating streams…which consist of water….and with the water comes LIFE. This means there will be growth and productivity in my life…and in yours…as we allow Him to work through us.

If you are struggling with a flood of negative emotions because of divorce, take heart! God is not through with you. If you are feeling like you have failed, like you will never be happy again, look up! Your Father is extending His hand to you. He has a plan for your life, and He wants to help you. He only wants the best for you, for He loves you very much. Give God a chance to take what the enemy meant for evil and turn it around for good in your life.

“I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13,14.

Yes, Lord, I will forget the former things!  I can't wait to see the new things you are doing.  I am pressing on....and I am no longer looking back.

<3

The Battle is the Lord's

I am reminded tonight of what David said to the Philistines before he killed Goliath: "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied...All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands."  (I Samuel 17:45-47)

Are you facing a battle in your life?  Sometimes the circumstances in which we find ourselves loom like giants over us, and we get scared.  I know I do.  We forget that if we are in Christ we do not face anything alone, because He promised He would always be with us.  He said He would "never leave us nor forsake us."  We can be encouraged in knowing that we have this promise.

I went to the Word tonight for encouragement in a situation in my life, and I found it.  It was too good to keep to myself, though; I really felt like I should share it.  So be encouraged, my friend.  You are not alone. The battle is the Lord's!

I Am Undone

The first time I heard this on K-Love earlier this week, it resonated in my soul. I am drawn to God tonight through this song. I am not one to share the deep things in my heart on here much, but I sense the Spirit is leading me to share. Maybe someone can relate and be encouraged; I don't know. What I do know is that tonight I am totally undone, and... like the song says, I don't want to be alone tonight, but I have no choice. Ahh, but Jesus is here...He promised to never leave or forsake me. Thank you, Jesus, that when I am afraid, or lonely, or need a shoulder, You are here. Jesus, You are the "I AM..." and whatever we need, you are the fulfillment of that need. Without You, Jesus, I would not have the strength to go on. Thank you for salvation, Jesus, and for holding me tonight...

The Porch Swing

The house I grew up in, an older bungelow, had a large front porch that stretched across the entire front. On one end, there was a green porch swing and 2 or 3 of those sturdy metal lawn chairs.  When I was a child, we spent many summer evenings sitting on this front porch. I am not sure why we did this.  Perhaps it was that our house was not air-conditioned, as was the case with most homes in the 50s and 60s and we went out there to cool off after supper.  Maybe it was because my parents loved being outside. Whatever the reason they had for doing it, I did it because they did it.  My favorite seat, of course, was the swing.  Just like my dad, I couldn't sit in it without swinging.  Why else would one have a swing, except to swing in?

Fast forward to 2010.  I just bought a house a few months ago.  One of the things I really wanted was a front porch.  The house also needed to be in a quiet neighborhood where there wasn't a ton of traffic always driving by, creating noise pollution.  I wanted a lot of trees, too.  Well, the house I bought has all that.  I had looked for 4 or 5 months for a house, and had all but given up on finding a house with those specifications.  God knew right where it was, though, and He led me to it.  I love my little house.

Here we are in July, and I haven't sat on the porch a lot so far.  We had such a cold winter that went on forever, then *pow!* it was summer, and a very hot one. A few times, though, I have managed to find the time and the inclination to sit out there, like tonight.  I heard the frogs (hollerin' for rain) and the jarflies, otherwise known as locusts, from inside the house!  The sounds of a summer evening pulled me outside, and the cool breeze surprised me.  It was quite pleasant out there, and I found myself sitting there for about an hour. While I was there, I pondered the whys and wherefores of porch-sitting. 

We sat outside because it was cooler out there when I was a kid, but these days, it's much cooler inside. There are so many more things to entice me to stay indoors; TV is more compelling than in the mid-twentieth century, due to cable, dvrs, and dvds.  The computer is a big draw as well. There is homework to do.  Life has become so much more busy than I remember it being when my parents were the age I am now.  As I sat there, soaking in the sounds, the cool breeze, and the solitude, I noticed I could think clearly.  I could relax, and I know I am more apt to hear God's voice when I just sit like that.  Perhaps one of the reasons I got to have my front porch was so I could sit out there and communicate with my Father. 

Maybe I've been avoiding it because all the people I used to sit on the porch with are in heaven now.  My dad, mom, brother, grandma, and uncle are all gone on.  I wonder if they sometimes get to see me, sitting on my porch in the cool of the evening? If so, they are probably wondering why I haven't bought a swing yet.  I will take care of that very soon.  I will have my porch swing, a green one, to sit and swing in on cool evenings. How can I be so sure it's supposed to be green, you ask?  Isn't a swing the same in any color?

You have to understand; my Father God doesn't do anything halfway. When He says He will give me the desires of my heart, He means it.  He knows my heart better than I do, too, and He thought of everything.  This house is made to order; a product of the desires of my heart.

So, the shutters and the roof on my house are...you guessed it....green.