Change is not something that comes easily for me. It seems that just when things finally get like I like them, they change. I then find myself re-adjusting to something new, finally accepting the change and settling in...only to find it is changing yet again.
This has been the case with my life, especially in the last year or so. My life is constantly shifting and changing, and I find myself attempting to adjust and keep going, somewhat like a person trying to walk on a boat that is in rough water. At times, I have been depressed about the constant change, and have found myself wishing I could just find somewhere solid where I could be assured nothing would change. Now, don't get ahead of me here. I know you can see where I'm going, but hang on a minute.
I have tried to find solace in being busy, in church work, in friends, and in work. I have even attempted to find solace in just zoning out and watching TV. I have tried to crawl in a hole and pull it in after me, but to no avail--I keep having to go to work and function there. The pain inside has continued to grow, and I have been on the verge of tears constantly for months now. I never cry, but the tears are there, just under the surface.
Just when I thought I could not take it anymore, I was reminded a few days ago by the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit to come to Jesus and let Him be my solid place. He alone is the unchanging, unmoving person in my life that is NEVER. GOING. ANYWHERE. He promised He would never leave me nor forsake me. I knew that, but I had somehow lost sight of it.
I can't depend on friends or family to always be there. This has been a major source of pain lately, but they are just doing what people do. They are changing, growing, moving forward. It's not that they don't love me; they do. It's not them; it's me. I have just lost sight of my Source, my Refuge, and my Provider. I have tried to find my worth in people, and it's not there. It has never been there, and it never will be. My life, my worth, my value is in HIM. It is in Jesus Christ. If I try to find it somewhere else, I will end up disappointed and feeling abandoned.
So this is where I'm at tonight. Throwing myself at the feet of Jesus--again--and asking Him to be my Rock and my Refuge. He has been there all along, ever since I trusted in Him as my Savior in 1994. This is true; but I have overlooked the fact that He is there; I have bought into the lies of satan that I am all alone in the world. Listening to those lies can cause you to lose focus on what's real and secure. Reading His word and standing on it is the only way to overcome those lies.
So I'm asking Him to fill all those hollow, empty places in my heart that I have attempted to fill with everything but Him. I'm holding on to Him so I don't get dizzy when life starts the merry-go-round of change again. He is the one and only constant in my life. The one and only.
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