Never Disconnected

Wednesday night, I got into my car after church and put my phone in the empty cup holder.  Except it was not empty. In the dark, since my cup holder is beside the driver's seat, not closer to dashboard like in my previous car, I hadn't noticed that I had left a cup with the lid off and about two inches of Coke left in it. To add to the horror, I didn't realize it until I was about halfway home.

[insert facepalm here] Epic fail.

My phone did not survive the swim it took. So I got a lesson entitled Where NOT to Stash Your Phone While in the Car, together with its co-requisite, Why You Should Always Have Lids on Your Travel Mugs, and eventually I had to buy a new phone.

I spent approximately 24 hours without a phone.  Fifteen years ago, this would not have been a big deal. We all walked around phone-less all the time, oblivious to the fact that we did not have any way to reach anyone, and no one could reach us.  And we were happy.  We didn't know we were lacking anything.

But you know how it is now.  We are so used to having our technology at our fingertips.  We carry our phones with us everywhere, and some of us even have our tablets and computers with us most of the time. We love being connected. So, I came home and realized the harsh truth:  I am disconnected.  It's an eerie feeling, knowing you couldn't reach anyone if you needed to.

Fortunately, everything was fine; I made it through the night without a phone, and the next day, after learning the awful truth of my phone's demise from a repairman, I bought a phone.  I hadn't planned this purchase until this fall, but it's not the end of the world.

In my prayer time this morning, I reflected on the past week with all its ups and downs. I got a little down thinking about all of it. I wasn't upset at the loss of a material thing so much, but I felt stupid. So I had just spent a couple of days kicking myself for being so careless, and feeling like a total failure. I could have easily let myself be sucked in to the lies that the enemy was starting to whisper in my ear.  Stuff like:

"You're so stupid.  When will you ever learn?"

"Why did you take your phone out of your coat pocket? You should have left it there."

And my favorite:

"First you lost your W2, then the Roku remote, now you destroy an expensive piece of technology?  What's wrong with you?"

Yes, I'm still subject to his lies. Once in a while I find myself entertaining a thought that he put there, and I even fall back into beating myself up over dumb stuff I do. We all do this.  We are human, and vulnerable.

So I ran to my Father this morning, and talked it all out with Him. Then I came across this in my Bible reading:

"My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.' And my heart responds, 'Lord, I am coming.'" Psalm 27:8 NLT. Then a few verses later, "Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me.  Do not let me fall into their hands.  For they accuse me of things I've never done; with every breath they threaten me with violence. Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living." Psalm 27:11-13 NLT

My Father in heaven wants to talk to me!  It says so right in His word.  He wants me to pour out my troubles to Him, and He listens with compassion and love. He is a good listener, and He can fix any situation.  I just have to trust Him, and run to Him when I mess up.

I may be disconnected from others sometimes, but I am never disconnected from Him.  Never.

My Valentine Loves Me

"God demonstrates His own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 NIV. 

I wasn't going to post anything today.  In the past, I have posted about this day, and the pain in my heart always managed to show through.  If you've been married but are now single because of death or divorce, you know what I'm saying.  I tried to have a healthy outlook, but I always fell just short of the mark.

Earlier tonight, I was sitting here, watching the Winter Olympics and eating my supper, alone as usual.  And yet...not so alone.  I have the love of Christ in my heart.  I am not alone, because HE is with me always. There's a stirring in my heart, and it's a strange but good feeling.  It's something I haven't felt before, and yet it feels familiar.  Then it dawned on me...it's JOY.  I wasn't expecting to feel happy and joyful today, but I do.

It's unclear to me just when the transition in my heart took place.  I have gone from just enduring this day to actually enjoying it.

I can't take credit for it.  I didn't do it. This is what happened:

"...we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love." Romans 5:5 NLT

It's the love of God in my heart!  He has been at work as I went about the regular business of life. I turned my life over to Him in 1994, and He started to work in me.  He's STILL working in me, and always will be until I'm with Him.

I'm not "there" yet by any means.  None of us have "arrived" until we set foot on the other side and are in His presence. But for the first time in nearly 20 years, I didn't dread Valentines Day.  I have no more bitterness toward happily married couples.  There is no animosity in my heart anymore.  I don't know when it left, or when the bitterness evaporated.  It's just gone.

If you're struggling with being alone, whether it's your first Valentines Day alone, or your 20th, let me encourage you. God loves you with an everlasting love. Give your heart to Him, and He will fix it. He will be at work every minute of every day, putting your heart back together.  It may not happen overnight, in fact, it probably won't.  But one day you will realize your heart doesn't ache anymore.  You will feel joy again, and you will laugh again.  You just have to give it to Him and trust Him.

"I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love.  With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." Jeremiah 31:3 NLT

Happy Valentines Day!

Contentment in Winter

There are things I have discovered about myself as I have grown older. Some I am happy about, some things, not so much.  All in all, though, this eye-opening experience of being in my fifties--late fifties at that--has been good.

I have discovered I love being at home.  I'm quite the homebody actually.  When I'm home, I find myself going through everything from closets to kitchen cabinets, from dresser drawers to the out of season clothing stored under the bed. It has been therapeutic for me.  I am learning the freedom of living with less in a nation obsessed with having it all. Four years ago when God moved me to this small house, with its 900 something square feet total living space, I didn't understand what He was up to. As time goes on, though, I am learning so much.  I have been paring down to having only what I love, use, or need, and it is so freeing. This is one of the reasons I love being home.

I have discovered that I don't mind being alone anymore.  I have embraced my singleness, and I love it.  I am convinced I could live like this from now on and not feel slighted by my friends and family. I love them all; they have a place in my heart and I have a place in theirs. God has taught me that when I do need social interaction, He will provide it. I rest in that now and leave that up to Him, knowing the peace of not clamoring to be included in everything. Not only that, I no longer feel inferior to my married friends.  Some people are supposed to be part of a couple; some are not. Whether or not that was God's first plan for me, since I was married for a long time and have children, is irrelevant.  I know He has forgiven me for my part in the divorce, and I am finally at peace about it. Now, I can only look forward.  He has been at work in my heart, healing my brokenness and allowing me to see that He does have plans for me.  He is using the pain I have been through, turning what the enemy meant for evil into good, for His glorious purpose. I look forward to discovering that purpose with joy and anticipation.

I also have discovered, as most of you know, that I love winter. I love it! I am enjoying this year's winter so much! We have had a lot of snow, and it's so beautiful.  God has something to say about that.  He is stirring something in my heart regarding winter, cold, and being dormant.  Stayed tuned; I'll share when it comes into focus for me, when He allows me to.

Winter brings discontent to some, but not for me.  I have embraced it, and I revel in it.

"I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill His purpose for me." Psalm 57:2 NLT

Life's Lessons

My mom used to say that we learn something every day during our lives. I evidently took that to heart, because here I am, still in college.  I think she was talking about life lessons, though.  Those little nuggets of wisdom that come with age and experience.  I had one of those this past weekend.

Apparently, I need to stop posting facebook statuses about the weather. In the first place, I'm in the minority--I actually like winter. This is considered not cool by the summer-lovin' people I am surrounded by. In the second place, I can, at times, have a dry wit that not many people get. Truly, only a handful of people "get" me (and you know who you are).  So I made a sarcastic comment about the weather being too hot Saturday afternoon because it was warm enough in my car that I could have used the AC.  I didn't, mind you.  I just could have. Anyway, it started a string of comments that made me roll my eyes in disbelief.  I was being sarcastic.  Well, I was trying to.  It didn't go over well, and I finally deleted the whole post.  

Lesson learned: there is freedom of speech, but there are consequences that come with that freedom. We have to learn to weigh our need to be funny, or vent, or express ourselves against those consequences.  I realized that the image I had projected was not a positive one, even though I was trying to be funny. The scripture came to mind:

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8,9 (NLT)

So I need to stop and ask myself:  Is it good?  Is it necessary?  Will it cause friction or ill feelings if I mean it in jest but someone takes it seriously? I'm not saying I shouldn't joke about stuff.  In no way do I mean to imply that it was wrong to make a wisecrack.  I'm just saying, for me, that particular joke at that time wasn't prudent. 

In other news:  Homework.  That is what I have done all evening, not only tonight, but last night, and a lot of the weekend we just had.  This is my reason for being late on my blog posting this week.  I have deadlines to meet! It will all be over soon, though.  Only these 2 classes and then 2 classes this fall, then I graduate!  I'm closing in on a lifelong goal.

Now that's a positive note!  I think I'll end on that. 

Sadness

This past week was interesting. The new classes started, and they are going great. I think I'm really going to like my Chaucer class (yea, I know--but remember, I'm an English major nerd).

As I was leaving my first class on Monday, I got a phone call from a relative telling me that my nephew had passed away. Since my brother was almost 15 years older than I, his son was closer in age to me and more like a brother when we were growing up; only 5 years younger. He lost a battle with cancer at the age of 54. Too soon; too young. We hadn't been close in our adult lives. I hardly ever saw him; we had kind of lost track of each other. I always meant to get in touch with him, and I prayed for him when the Spirit put him on my heart. I was saddened to hear that I will never get the chance to chat with him, or catch up on family with him. He had trusted in Christ as his Savior, thank God, so someday I will see him again, just not on this earth.

I also heard of two other people from my past dying this past week. One earlier this week, from my childrens' grade school days, and one just today, from my high school graduating class.

It's never easy to let go of those family members or friends who have impacted our lives. This causes me to realize that I should re-evaluate my life and the people around me. I've made a list of some things I intend to do on a more regular basis.  I will do my best to:

...ask that friend or family member if they have accepted Christ.
...call that friend when I feel prompted by the Holy Spirit.
...do something kind for someone in my life.

...be nice, even when I don't feel like it.
...tell those close to me what they mean to me a lot more often.
...encourage my friends, family, and co-workers whenever I get the chance.

That's a short list, but it's a start. Folks, we aren't promised tomorrow. We need to make every second count.

Have a blessed week.

Through Christ you have come to trust in God. And you have placed your faith and hope in God because he raised Christ from the dead and gave him great glory. You were cleansed from your sins when you obeyed the truth, so now you must show sincere love to each other as brothers and sisters. Love each other deeply with all your heart. For you have been born again, but not to a life that will quickly end. Your new life will last forever because it comes from the eternal, living word of God.~~1 Peter 1:21-23 NLT

Holidays and Family Time

Here I am, posting less than 2 weeks after my last post.  I'm making progress!  I will get this regular posting under control.

It has been an eventful few weeks.  The weekend before Christmas, my daughter and family came and we had "Christmas" a little early so they could be back home for my granddaughter to have Christmas morning at home.  I totally get that; we did that when the kids were growing up, too.  We always had Christmas Eve at my parents' house and Christmas Day at home, but since my daughter and I live 3 1/2 hours apart that isn't feasible.  So the weekend before works.  At least we all get to be together.

Following my daughter's visit, Christmas Day my oldest son came in and stayed with me until the following Sunday. We had a great visit; Christmas dinner with the cousins, which turned into a fun game night complete with a session of "Just Dance," or something like it on X-Box and lots of catching up with everyone. Then he and I went back to my house for our traditional viewing of the Doctor Who Christmas Special later that evening. We also went to see "The Desolation of Smaug" during his time here.  Great movie.

Finally, this past week my youngest son came for a visit. He stayed with me part of the time and also drove upstate to see his sister and niece, whom he hadn't seen in over 2 years. We also had a great visit; lots of catching up as well as 2 movies at the theater; "Catching Fire," which was excellent, and "Frozen," which was surprisingly good.

Yes, we do a lot of movie watching, but that's what we enjoy.  Their childhood was filled with lots of movie watching, and we have some great memories of those times.

So, as I said before, it's been an eventful few weeks.  This last week was crazy; 9 degrees Monday, freezing rain and sleet Wednesday, and a snow day Thursday (which, ironically, I spent alone since my son was visiting his sister).  The week ended with my son coming back and spending a couple of days with me before going back home today.

Oh, and the temperature today was 70 I believe.  Quite a change from 9 degrees earlier in the week, though I don't really like warm weather, especially in the winter when it's supposed to be cold.

And now, for something completely different:  Classes start tomorrow!  I'm ready to get going on the next to last semester of my bachelor's degree.  The excitement generated by my upcoming college classes has helped take the sting out of the "empty nest" I always feel when my children have been here and gone again. A definite improvement.

God is healing my heart in the most incredible way.  He is amazing.  "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  Psalm 147:3 NASB.

Have a great week!

Fresh Starts and Resolutions

Wow.  I was shocked when I logged in to my blog and discovered that my last post was in October.  I really had no idea it had been that long.  It was a very busy fall, but that is ridiculous!  

I made one new year's resolution this year:  to blog regularly.  My goal is to blog weekly; we'll see how it goes.  I know that readers get tired of blogs that don't post on a regular basis and I don't blame them.  I follow several blogs myself, and it is annoying to me, too.

So, with that being said, here goes with the new year of 2014.  First, I will list the reasons I was ready for 2013 to end:

Quite frankly, 2013 was a hard year for me, and I welcome a new year with a fresh start.  In 2013, I had some health issues that caused a lot of pain, and I ended up undergoing two surgical procedures; one in November and one December 30.  Neither were major, but it doesn't feel minor when you are being wheeled into surgery.

I also struggled with other issues in my life, like overcoming perfectionism, balancing my college classes with the rest of my life, and missing my adult children.  I made progress in the first two.  The last one, well, it's an ongoing struggle, but I am starting to see some improvement.  Any of you readers have children that live more than a day's drive away?  If so, maybe you can relate.  I know that it is made worse by the fact that I am single, and when they come to visit, the vacuum left when they leave is therefore very noticeable.  

Those are the problems that make me glad for a fresh start.  But, as I said, I am doing better.  There is a lot to be thankful for, too:

Number one: the spells of sadness or depression after a child has visited is less than 24 hours now, where a few years ago it could go on for days, even weeks.  

Two:  I successfully took 15 college hours last year, and only have 12 to go! Two classes this spring, and two this fall, and I will GRADUATE.  Yes.  I will graduate with a B.A. in English in December of 2014! 

Three:  I have church family members that help fill the void in the absence of my biological family.  I am so, so thankful for them.  I love them like they were blood family.  God really does "set the lonely in families" as it says in Psalm 68:6.

All in all, it was a pretty good year.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I have hope for 2014.  It is going to be a good year. I just know it is.

So, there you have it.  The good last year outweighs the bad.  I am a blessed woman, and I thank God for what He has done in my life.  And, ready or not 2014 is here.  So here we go!  It's off to a good start...I blogged as I had planned to.  

Have a great 2014! Happy New Year everyone!