The Tide is Coming In

Continuing to pull from my journal, here is an entry from 1998, when I went to North Carolina with my friend, Melanie during that summer. We spent a week on North Myrtle Beach, which is actually in South Carolina. The picture of the beach is the actual picture I took that morning.

An entry from June 24, 1998 —Weds—The week of the beach (N. Myrtle, So. Carolina) is ½ over. God woke me up early (5:45) so I got up and walked on the beach. Sunrise was beautiful. I took pictures.

I was walking along and I noticed the tide was coming in. The Lord showed me something in that. I don’t know if I can put it into words. Waves come in on top of each other. Before one could reach me, 4 or 5 more were breaking, one right after another. I noticed there were hundreds, thousands of shells and shell fragments. Much more than when the tide is out. I believe He was saying that blessings will come like that, and I will have more than I can contain. Just like the high tide is in God’s timing, so are His blessings for me. All my needs are being met, but the desires of my heart are yet to come in His time.

The tide is coming in. Praise the Lord!

My Testimony

I recently became aware that I don't really have my testimony on here.  I thought I did.  I've been very selective as I pull entries from my actual journal (which I have all typed into a word document...yes, I'm a little ocd, ok?).  Anyway, here goes with the testimony.

I was raised in church.  I did all the "churchy" stuff; I went to Sunday school, attended Vacation Bible School every summer, and went to youth camp as a teenager.  I knew exactly how to "do church."  After many years of going through the motions, I convinced myself I was a Christian. I can remember trying really hard to please everyone and do the right stuff so they would all be happy.  I never felt I measured up; and I was right.  I was trying to bridge the gap between God and me by being good enough, and that just isn't possible.  I was lost.

I won't elaborate on the many years I went on like this, but basically, it went on for years.  I married at the tender age of 18 and had all three of our wonderful kids by the time I was 27.  We tried to stay in church, but it was very hard, and I know I was unsaved, which was part of the problem.  Looking back, I'd venture a guess that my husband was, too. Because of my upbringing, I knew that our kids needed to be in church.  I was drawn there, and I know now it was the Holy Spirit convicting me and drawing me to Christ.  Eventually though, by the time the oldest was a teenager, we had pretty much stopped going. Great timing to drop out of church just about the time the kids reach their teens.

In 1993, my 13-year-old daughter was invited to Disciple Now, a youth retreat held over a weekend, at a local church.  As a result of this, she was saved and I started going with her to that church.  My life didn't change immediately, though.  Even though I was finally in church, I was still walking in darkness in my heart.  I had been depressed for a long time and was very unhappy. I know now that satan had built a stronghold of depression and fear in my heart.   I had deluded myself into thinking that I was ok.  I justified every sinful and selfish thing I did.  I was never "out there;" into drugs or alcohol, but I might have seen my sinfulness if I had been.  Instead, I didn't realize I needed saving.  After all, I had been raised in church;  I had a Godly heritage.  In addition to this, my marriage was in deep trouble; my husband and I barely spoke. I stayed heartbroken over the situation most of the time; one of the reasons I was so depressed.

It all came crashing down on October 31, 1994. That particular morning, I had come home at daybreak after working all night at Walmart.  In those days, department managers reset the counters for the next season after the store closed at 9:00.  I had to reset my department for Christmas since it was Halloween.  I tried to sleep after my husband left for work and the kids went to school, but even with black trash bags over the windows it was hard to sleep.  I was so convicted about my life and how I had been living, going through the motions of Christianity but not actually willing to turn control over to God.  In short, I was miserable. I slept 3 or 4 hours and finally got up about noon.

I went into the living room and just fell down on the floor. Something broke in me and I just started crying out to God.  I had made a complete mess of my life trying to be in charge, and I finally saw my need for a Savior. The Word I had been hearing at the church I had been attending for a year did not return void, but was at work in me all that time.  I saw the truth at last, and I was so ashamed that I had rejected Jesus' sacrifice all those years.  So many wasted years!  I asked Him to forgive me and I received Jesus as my Savior right then and there.  I laid there crying for close to an hour I guess, brokenhearted.  As I later journaled:

"October 31, 1994:  This was the day that I laid the broken pieces of my life at the feet of Jesus. He was so real to me that day, alone in my house, that I could almost see Him standing in my living room. Having been in pain emotionally for a number of years, I asked Him to fill my heart with His love, because I felt no one really loved me. I asked Him to fill my cup, as I lifted it to Him, until it overflowed with His love. I asked for Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit and use me somehow in His work.  The results continue to amaze me...God has allowed my pain & hurt, BUT—now I listen to Him. I probably wouldn’t have if I had lived the “perfect life” I wanted.  He is molding me so He can use me..."

I would love to tell you that everything was rosy and perfect in my life after that, but it wasn't.  I did have the peace of God finally, and by His grace I got through some very dark days in the next few years.  My brother died suddenly in Dec.1995, my mother died three months after him, and in 1997, my marriage ended in spite of my best efforts.  I can see now that only because I was trusting in Jesus could I have survived those days; His grace truly was--and IS--sufficient for me. 

I have never been the same...thank God!  

Home Sweet Home

Did I ever mention that I bought a house? I did. I am a homeowner. After renting an apartment for twelve years, eleven of them in the same apartment, it was time.  It was quite a journey, from being newly divorced and working two jobs to make ends meet in 1997 to buying a house in October 2009.  God really did a work there.  Not only did He have to get me through some really rough stuff financially, especially in those early days, He had to convince me that I was capable of whatever He put in my heart to do--with His help of course. Anyone who knows me very well knows that I have not exactly exhibited an abundance of self-confidence.  That said, just know that my buying a house is a BIG DEAL.

God had been dealing with me for months before I even started house-hunting.  He urged me to start packing up Jeff's room; a good place to start since I obviously didn't use Jeff's stuff. Actually, Jeff didn't even use his stuff, since he moved to Virginia without the two six-foot bookshelves full of books (yes, he has that many books) and a closet full of clothes. That in itself is a story for another blog.  So, I began carting books to storage, even before I was officially looking for a house.

After months of searching, I found the right house and closed on the deal.  I became a homeowner.  Now if I could just stop shaking long enough to move.  Why was I shaking?  Oh, I forgot to mention:  I was terrified to move. I was so scared of living in a house.  My little second-floor apartment had been home to me for eleven years, and it was my comfort zone. I shifted into high gear: I started really packing and moving. A really good friend and her husband and sons helped me all day on a Saturday, and I was in.  I had wall to wall boxes, but I was moved in.

That night after everyone was gone, I collapsed on the couch to rest and watch a little TV before bed.  I hadn't been afraid yet.  Hmm, that was strange.  It had been in the back of my mind all day, the fact that everyone would leave and I would be there all alone in a strange house.  As I sat there on the couch mulling this over, I heard the sounds of a group of children next door, having a lot of fun at their Halloween party. Ah, how nice.  It made it seem like a friendly, safe neighborhood. 

Wait a minute...Halloween?  Was the date really October 31?  At that precise moment, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  My first night to stay in my new house was October 31.  Unbelievable.  In case you haven't read some of my earlier blogs, this just happens to be my spiritual birthday.  I was radically saved on October 31, 1994, all alone in my living room.  It was a very dramatic "about face" for me.  I truly turned 180 degrees, from running away from God and all that He stood for to running into His loving arms and repenting.  I have never been the same.

As it began to sink in that God had purposely arranged for my first night in my house to be that particular day, peace enveloped me.  It occured to me that I was not afraid. I was sitting on my couch, just in awe of Him and praising Him for doing that for me, when He clearly said to me that He gave me this house, and He wouldn't put me in harm's way.  If  He gave it to me, which He did, then He was already here and He made it a safe place for me to dwell.

I love it when the God of the universe goes to the trouble of doing something that will be very special to me.  He knew that it would give me peace to know He did that for me. It's home sweet home because He picked it out and was already here when I got here.  My Father is awesome!

Whom Shall I Fear?

"The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident..." (Psalm 27:1-3).

This is just on my heart tonight.  This girl is no stranger to fear; we got to know each other very well over the years.  However, fear has been evicted from my home and my heart.  It has no place here now, because God set me free from fear. I'm not saying I am never afraid, but it doesn't control me anymore.  Whenever it tries to get back in, I quote scriptures until it goes away.  Scriptures like:

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." (Psalm 56:3).

"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6)

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Tim. 1:7)

I have literally walked through the house quoting these and others that the Holy Spirit brought to mind, and peace just settles over me like a blanket. 

I don't know if this is for someone or just for me.  I just really felt I had to share it.

"For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD." (Psalm 27: 5-6)

Blessings my friends!

<3

Called out of darkness

"...you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9.  We sang a song tonight at church that had that phrase in it.  I can't stop singing it.  It keeps going over and over in my mind.  Experience has taught me that when I can't get something out of my mind, it's usually because the Lord has something He wants to show me.  I am ashamed to confess that I haven't always stopped and listened.  Sometimes I have just pressed on with whatever I deemed so important that I couldn't stop and look up a scripture and let the Holy Spirit teach me something. Tonight, however, I didn't push the urging of the Holy Spirit aside; I looked up the scripture and asked Him to please show me what He wants me to know.  There may be more, because I will meditate on this for awhile, but I realized this much right away: 

I have given my heart and life to God; accepted His gift of salvation by trusting in Jesus Christ as my Savior. This much I know; I am His. In case I didn't get it, though, He reaffirms four times over that I am His; I belong to Him.  As a Christian I have become part of a (1) chosen people, (2) a royal priesthood, (3) a holy nation, and (4) a people belonging to God.  It doesn't stop there, though.  He also wants me to know that I am to declare His praises; He who has "called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light."  This is not only my calling to sing His praises on the worship team; it is much more than that.  It is the "everyday me," the "day in, day out, going to work and school me."  Do I let His light shine through me?  Am I reflecting His love to the people I encounter, or am I keeping it all inside?  I have just been made aware again that I am salt and light; a representative of Jesus to people who are lost and hurting.  I have to admit that I have not done a very good job of this lately. 

I AM NO LONGER IN DARKNESS!  Praise God!  He has rescued me, and I have to tell the world.  I have a new fire inside me to journal; to share what He does for me; to encourage whenever I can.  I know this is also a calling; the inclination to write everything down; to keep a journal.  I don't have the right to keep His blessings to myself.  The journaling has been sketchy for the last year or so; I had effectively set it aside.  In the hurry and busyness of everyday life, I allowed it to get squeezed out of my life.  I thought I had lost the ability to express my heart and God's goodness and faithfulness through the written word. 

But I found it. And I just picked it back up.

Be blessed, my friends!     

The Old is Gone...

It is always amazing to me when I happen upon an element of my former life, something I used to enjoy; some aspect of my life before I accepted Christ as my Savior in 1994.  I think sometimes the Lord lets us forget what we were like so that we can really see the change that He has brought about.  I can take absolutely no credit for the change whatsoever.  It's all God.  He has been at work in me all these years, and I had been feeling a little inadequate lately, somewhat of a failure.  He just let me see that I am not where I used to be, and I was encouraged.   As Joyce Meyer says, "I'm not where I want to be, but praise God I'm not where I used to be."  Thank God!

"...if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 1 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV).

And so I begin...

I have journaled my whole life. When I was a kid, it was one of those little diaries with a key. What little girl hasn't written in a diary at some point in her childhood? I have always felt the need to record my thoughts and feelings, keep an account of the events in my life. I found out after my mom died that she was also a journaler. I never knew that; if I had known it, I would have bought her a journal and she could have written all about her life. As it was, I found scraps of paper all over her house after she died. I saved all of them. Someday I will organize them into a journal of sorts.

I wrote in a spirial notebook during the early years of my marriage. I kept an account of my pregnancy with my first-born, but I got busy and quit writing for a long time. When I picked it back up again, it was to vent about the misery I found myself in. My marriage was in deep trouble, and I was constanly unhappy. As a result, the entries became caustic and full of venom and hate. After the divorce in 1997, I burned this journal in a friend's fireplace. It was the only way to get rid of the constant reminder of the unhappiness of those years. If I had written about the good times, I would have saved that part, but I only wrote to complain and rage about what was making me unhappy.


When I gave my heart to Jesus in 1994, a miraculous change took place in my heart. I found that God was always speaking to me, and I recorded these words in a small spiral notebook which I called My Spiritual Journal. The first entry was October 31, 1994, the day I got saved. For several years I wrote in My Spiritual Journal, so much that there are 3 volumes, all in the same size little spiral notebook.


After the 3rd volume, I decided to get a nicer journal; something actually meant for journaling. I have quite a few of these; even up through the present time. I currently still write in my handwritten journal, a practice that is a dying art in this era of laptop computers and online journals. I have decided that when I have filled up the current journal, I will do my journaling on the computer. It's a heart-wrenching decision, but it's just easier. I am much more prone to record my thoughts these days if I can just type it.

So, all that being said, let the online journaling officially begin. I intend to record some "archives;" some journal entries from several years back in order to try and lay the groundwork for this work and give it some background.

Until next time. =)