The months since mid-March, when we were told we are in a pandemic, have been hard.
At times I've felt isolated, like I was on a desert island with no boats in sight. It seemed at times like no one cared. None of my kids live near me, and it's so evident to me lately that I am alone.
I've had some anxiety, unsure of what lies ahead. I've basically become a hermit. For over 4 months, I only left the house for two reasons: to do a grocery pick-up, not even getting out of the car, and go in to the office twice a week to do a few things for work that I can't do from home.
When school was about to start, I started going back daily, like normal. Only it's not normal. I stay in my office most of the day, and when I do leave I wear a mask.
The whole thing is stressful and so very "not normal." At times, it really starts to wear on me.
A couple of months ago, I was taking to my son and daughter-in-law, telling them how I was struggling emotionally. I really only feel safe when I am home, so that's where I stay most of the time. I don't unload often (at least I hope not) but that day, I guess it was showing that the stress was getting to me. I was battling depression, and I needed help. We talked a while, and I felt better after talking to them.
About a week later, I came home to find a package on my front porch. My son and his wife had sent me a puzzle that they had worked recently, along with a sweet note. I was so touched at their gesture.
It's been on my kitchen table for the last couple of months, and at times I thought I would never get it together. But today, I put the last piece in. Finished!
While working on this puzzle, it occurred to me that the Christian walk has similarities to working a puzzle.
We think we know what is right, until nothing seems to be going right. Eventually, we cry out to God for help, and He very patiently removes the piece we placed wrong and puts the correct piece in its place.
This happened to me time and again while I was working on this puzzle. I would think I had it right; it seemed to fit, but later on it became evident that a specific piece just didn't go where I had put it. This particular brand of puzzle has a definite feel when you have it right. It just "schloops" right in, almost like it's magnetically drawn to the spot, and there is no more doubt that it's in the right place.
I know that may sound silly, but it seemed worth saying. Depression is a dark place that I have carefully avoided for many years, but have once again come dangerously close to. Working this puzzle was a reward to me for working all day. I could come home and work on the puzzle a little each day. It gave me something to look forward to.
I've written lots of times about getting free from depression, so it's probably surprising and perhaps disappointing to some of you to read that I'm struggling again. It's more complicated than "just going back there."
Depression is sneaky. It hangs around the edges and seizes any opportunity to drag its victims back into the darkness. This time, it felt like I was walking along in the fog and to one side there was a cliff. On the other side, though, was my Savior, holding my hand and leading me back to a safer path.
During the last few weeks I have been doing much better. I know that Jesus never leaves me or forsakes me, and I am never alone. I've been walking with Him since October 1994 when I gave my life to Him. He has never once left my side, even though at times I have felt alone.
He has been with me through it all, and He will never leave me. He will get me through this.
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