Fighting Battles

It has once again been longer than normal since I wrote last. I've been busy. It seems I'm in a battle.

A while back I was trying to figure out what emotion I was feeling inside. There was an ache and an emptiness that I knew from experience could only be filled by God. Not only was I well aware that it could not be filled by people or things, I didn't want it to be. I knew it was a hunger for God alone, so I have been waiting before God during prayer to show up and fix the problem.

While waiting, I have been asking all kinds of questions.

We humans love to ask questions, don't we? Why am I in this battle? Why has it practically paralyzed me emotionally and spiritually? How can I ask God to fix something if I don't even know what is wrong?

And of course, God doesn't answer those questions.

Then one day at church, it came to me what I was feeling. No wonder it felt familiar! This particular emotion goes way back into my childhood. The spirit of rejection has been trying to work its way back into my life lately, and this time it brought along an old foe of mine to help to entrap me.

During worship it suddenly came to me, and I had to write it down. I quickly sat down and rummaged through my purse and Bible looking for paper, but I had cleaned out my purse and there was no scrap paper to be found. I finally scribbled frantically on the back of the bulletin. I know from experience that if I don't write it down it will "evaporate" and I won't be able to recall what it was.

So I wrote down what I had been feeling and couldn't put my finger on. I wrote these words:

I feel like everyone ran on ahead of me and left me here all alone. It's like I bent down to tie my shoe, and they didn't wait on me. I'm standing here all alone. But I'm not alone, Jesus said He would never leave me nor forsake me, so He is here. I'm surrounded by God.... 

And in the background the church was singing "It may look like I'm surrounded, but I'm surrounded by God. This is how I fight my battles..."

Suddenly I knew what it was. The emotion I had been experiencing was ABANDONMENT. Very similar to rejection, almost, but not exactly. I thought back to a time when I had felt that emotion. For some reason, this particular memory is etched into my brain.

When I was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8, I distinctly remember a time when my mama said she was going to the store, and I could go with her when she was ready to go. So I went out into the yard to wait for her. After I had been outside for a while, suddenly I saw her car driving down the street, away from our house.

I panicked. I was sure that my mama had forgotten I wanted to go with her, and she left me. I ran after the car, frantic to catch up with her and make her see me and remember that I wanted to go with her. I finally caught up with the car at the end of the block when the driver stopped at the stop sign.

Then I saw it wasn't my mama. Relief flooded through me as I stood there catching my breath. Even though I was still feeling shaky from emotion and the exertion of running an entire block, I walked back up the hill to my house. I remember feeling very foolish, embarrassed, and ashamed. I don't think I ever told my mama that I had thought she left me.

This feeling has come back to me periodically throughout the years but I had never identified what it was. 

But now it had finally been revealed to me what I was battling! I went to the Lord when I got home and talked to Him about it. I gave Him my fear of abandonment. I knew it wasn't actual abandonment, because that has already been taken care of. I know I am not abandoned because that is contrary to the Word of God:

Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:9-11

In Isaiah 53 His word says "He was despised and forsaken of men."  He took care of this at the cross in our place so we don't have to be! That is awesome news! 

My mother, father, and brother went to be with Jesus a long time ago. It's been over twenty years. My children grew up, went to college, and went on to follow their dreams like I wanted them to. They are happily living their lives, and I am truly happy for them, but they are all in places far away from me so I don't see them often. 

It appears I have been left all alone. However, no matter how many times the enemy comes to me and tells me I have been abandoned and left here all alone, I can simply turn to him and declare the truth by using the Word of God to combat his lies.

I am NOT forsaken, and I am NOT abandoned. Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Psalm 27:10 NLT 

If you are battling the lies of the enemy about anything, write down all the scriptures you can find that contradict the lies and say them back to him whenever he whispers those lies in your ear. 

Write them on post it notes and put them on your bathroom mirror, above the kitchen sink, or anywhere else you want to remind yourself of how to fight those lies.

Also, put on some worship music and sing along with it. A sure way to defeat the enemy is to worship Jesus. 

Whatever you may be battling, Jesus has defeated it. Declare it, believe it, live it!

I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you. Hebrews 13:5 NASB

From Glory to Glory

I skimmed through old journals tonight. What an eye-opener!

I had gone back though them 8 or 9 years ago in much the same way, when I typed them into Word documents. As I typed, I put in little notes like "I was very spiritually immature in those days" or "my focus was all wrong back then." Then I proceeded to impart, in the "editing notes," with all the wisdom and insight that hindsight gives to a person ten years in the future how much better I am today. 

This made me chuckle. Of course I can see the folly of my ways 10 or 20 years later. Anyone can look at something they wrote eighteen years ago and feel superior to that foolish, immature, baby Christian.

This is one of the reasons I journal. I want to remember the good things in my life, and I am thankful for how far God has brought me, even though I cringe at some of the things I thought God was saying to me. I really do know more who I am in Christ these days than I did in 2001. However, the main reason I have to write it all down is so that I don't forget the miraculous things God has done for me.

This is how I encourage myself in the Lord. In the dark times, when I feel like I have nothing to say that is blog-worthy, I can read and remember the times that God provided an absolute miracle for me and be encouraged. 

My heart is a little lighter when I am reminded that God touched me in my prayer closet once many years ago when my heart was consumed with grief over a devastating loss and He healed my broken heart on the spot. I was still hurting for a while, but I had hope and was able to function again after that very real and miraculous encounter.

It gives me the strength to keep going when I read that God was still faithful to provide for me even when I wasn't being a particularly good or wise steward of His blessings at the time. I can see that I struggled back then and got through it, so I know I will this time, too.

I read about the times my children, grandchildren, and very dear friends who have become family to me were together and I am thankful they are in my life. We may be far apart geographically, but in our hearts we are next door neighbors. I truly believe that distance doesn't have to effect deep relationships of the heart. We can choose to hold those dear to us in our hearts whether we see them daily or once a year. It's just like no time has passed when we do see each other again, because God has connected our hearts.

Reading tonight, I was reminded that in ten years I will most likely feel the same way about the journal entries I am writing this year as I did about the ones from a decade ago. I will snicker and roll my eyes and think "how spiritually immature I was!"

That's just the way it is, though. We are not staying the same; we who are in Christ are going from glory to glory:

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into His image with intensifying glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:17-18, Berean Study Bible 

Looking back through old writings every once in a while is beneficial to me because it reminds me of the wonderful things God has done for me. I might try to rationalize them all these years later and downplay their importance and validity, had I not written all about them in my journal.

Also, even though I read about some of my past and shudder at how silly and inexperienced I was in my Christian walk, it encourages me to know that I have grown up a little. God is at work in me, changing me and transforming me, one day at a time.

Sitting Beside the Still Waters

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul...."

It's been 3 months since I wrote in the blog. In the 9 years I've been writing here, that's the longest I have ever gone without writing. 

Right about the first of the year, I felt like the Lord was leading me into a time of being still. Looking back, it was a good thing, and a restoring time. In the middle of it, though, at times it felt like a long dark valley. It seemed like I was putting one foot in front of the other, day by day, just getting through it. I'm sure most of you can relate to a time when you just kept pushing through, unsure when the clouds would break and you would see a ray of sunshine.

At one point a couple of months ago, I was tearing myself down in my prayer time one morning. I was telling God how hard I had been trying to be positive, show love and not hate, and keep my mouth shut a whole lot more. I was kind of depressed and felt like a failure at trying to change. Then I heard a familiar, sweet, still small voice say "your attempts to change yourself are futile. 'Turning over a new leaf' is a human attempt and will not produce lasting results. Cease striving. Let God do it. Be still."

When He had told me in December to "be still," I knew I would be sitting and just listening for His voice a lot. I didn't realize, though, that I would not be able to find the words to write about it. I've always been able to write. Not only was my heart still before Him; my "blogging pen" was as well. I still wrote in my journal regularly, but I never felt released to share anything until now. I couldn't (and shouldn't) write all that here, but here are some highlights.  Some of the things I heard when I was still before Him:

Focus on the positive. I became aware I used the word "hate" too much in my everyday speech. I would say "I hate spring" or "I hate hot weather" way too much; so much that I was convicted once I became aware of what I was saying.  When I asked the Lord how to stop myself from letting my mind run in those veins, He guided me to Philippians 4: 8,9 where it says:

"Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you."

This segues nicely into another thing I heard the Lord say:

Enjoy being with family when you get a chance to be with them. I've mentioned before that I don't get to see my kids often, especially my sons because they live so far away. Well, God provided for me to fly to Houston for my youngest son's doctoral graduation in May. My daughter was not able to attend, but my oldest son, who lives in Georgia, flew there to see his little brother graduate. So I spent 4 days with both of my boys and my daughter-in-law in the fourth largest city in America. It was glorious! We talked and caught up on each others' lives, quoted movies a lot, visited museums, talked some more, had late night supper and coffee in the neatest little coffee shop, took a tour of the UH campus where my son got his doctorate, and just generally ran around together and had a great time. 

It was hard to tear myself away and come home, but I am determined to be thankful for those times, and not dwell on the space of time between the visits. I am grateful I could go and be with them.

I've felt like I'm waiting for things to be like I have asked God to let them be. I want to see the kids and grandkids more often.  I would like to live in a house located where I could see sunrises or sunsets. I want a really good prayer place by a window, like I had in the apartment I lived in for so long.  But then the questions started coming.

What if it's a long time before those things happen? Is my life continually on hold until everything lines up like I want it?

Is Jesus enough? If He never gives me those things which are wants, not needs, can I be content without them? 

What am I doing? Why am I not doing what God called me to do? 

I am called to write, to encourage, and to PRAY. That has been my calling since 1994 when Jesus saved me. There are several needs and people on my heart right now that God has placed on my heart to pray for daily. 

In all honesty, I haven't taken it seriously enough. I bought into the lies of the enemy that praying is what we do when we can't do anything else. 

I don't believe that anymore. That is untrue. Prayer is a very high calling, and I am ashamed to admit that I have been guilty of setting it aside. Just the other day, I heard the Spirit saying these words:

"Is Jesus enough for you? Search your heart. Find out if Jesus is enough...If He's not, repent, make it right with Him and allow Him back in the center of your heart. Then do your job--fulfill your calling. God has anointed you to write, encourage, and intercede."

My answer? Yes, Lord. 

I still don't have those things I have asked for, but it doesn't matter. What really does matter is Jesus is Lord of my life and the passion of my heart is to serve Him. 

So I will write to share His love so that by reading about what God has done for me, others will accept Him as their Savior. I will encourage others whenever I can, both in my writing and just in everyday life. And most of all, I will PRAY. 

The "time-out" I was in proved to be a good thing. Somewhere along the way, God changed my heart while I sat still. I am still under construction, as we all are, but my outlook is different. I get up every day now, thanking God for another day to live and serve Him.

Guess what? The clouds have parted and I can see the sun again.

On the Other Side of Bitter

I was sick for most of April with a sinus infection, which went into bronchitis. I went to the doctor twice for that, because I couldn't stop coughing. I had one good weekend where I felt a little better, and was able to make the long drive to go to my granddaughter's 7th birthday party.

The following Monday I was running fever in the evening. By Wednesday, my face was swollen and painful around my eyes and cheeks, so I went back to the doctor; the third trip to the doctor in 4 weeks. Seventy-five dollars in co-pays and $125 for meds later, I am finally almost completely recovered. It was an ordeal, though, and this past Saturday in my time with the Lord He showed me something that I wanted to share. 

So hang with me, I promise all this has a point.

I have had my share of health issues over the last ten years or so. One of my challenges is a stricture in my esophagus; a tight place that has been so small that I once had an Allegra capsule stuck there for 7 hours before it finally dissolved enough to go down. It has been dilated 3 or 4 times and it's about as good as it's going to be until God heals me completely, which I know without a doubt He can and will do.

Because of this stricture, I have limitations on what I can swallow, and I have to eat slower to allow time for everything to go down. It's frustrating, but I have adjusted and learned to live with it.

When the first antibiotic did not clear up the sinus infection and bronchitis, the doctor decided I needed something stronger to wipe out the infection. Now, I can swallow capsules the size of Tylenol capsules, but the antibiotic he prescribed comes in capsules quite a bit larger than that; too large for me to swallow.

I knew what I had to do; I've taken this particular medicine before. I had to open the capsule and pour its contents into applesauce to get it down. Four times a day for 7 days I did this. Twenty-eight times to be exact. Inconvenient, but doable. 

There was one problem, though.

The contents of these capsules are extremely bitter. It was all I could do to swallow it in a couple of tablespoons of applesauce, after which I drank a lot of water. It was horrible! I almost cried at first with the realization that I had to do this 4 times a day for a week. I started praying before each pill for God to help me. I quoted out loud, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." After a few days I started feeling better; the medicine was doing its job.

So Saturday morning I was reflecting about how God had been there each time and helped me endure the bitterness and He showed me something. This was a physical healing which required taking a bitter pill 4 times a day, but it applies to other healing as well.

In ALL things I need God, and He helps me through each "bitter pill" experience I go through. When He has told me specifically what path I needed to be on for emotional healing, at times it was so hard to follow through and I wanted to give up. Sometimes I did, and I would end up an emotional wreck again. I would go back to God and ask for healing and deliverance. Each time He was patient and kind and gently guided me back to the path I needed to be on for my healing.

Just like the strong, bitter medicine worked and cured the sinus infection when I took it as prescribed, God has delivered me from many different levels of emotional and spiritual bondage over the years. Each time I had to follow through and do what He had shown me I needed to do to be delivered.

On the other side of taking the 28 antibiotic capsules, I found that the bitter medicine had done its job and I was cured.

The same has been true spiritually. On the other side of the valleys I have gone through, I have found that I was healed after what had seemed like an impossible journey, full of bitter experiences.

I have heard testimonies of people who were immediately healed of all kinds of bondage; they laid down drugs and never craved them again, or they were instantly healed of depression.

For whatever reason, it hasn't worked that way for me. God has delivered me from depression, suicide attempts, and extreme emotional neediness, but for the most part I walked all of those deliverances out by daily following the Lord on the path He had put me on. One foot in front of the other, over and over, day after day I trudged through some hard and painful valleys. I wanted to cry, and many times I did. 

Every time I cried out to the Lord He always helped me. Every time.

And then one day I looked up and realized I was on the mountain top. I saw the sunshine instead of a dense forest of depression. I felt joy instead of sadness. I was happy and content instead of heavy-hearted and dejected. 

My chains were lying at my feet, no longer binding me.

My message is this: Do not give up. Keep on following the voice of Jesus, the Good Shepard. He will not steer you wrong and He really isn't trying to hurt you. It is all for your good and His glory.

Just as sure as 28 bitter pills healed a recurrent sinus infection, one day you'll look around and realize you are no longer in the valley. You are standing on the mountain top free!

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord--who is the Spirit--makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image." 2 Corinthians 3:17-18, NLT

Be Still

In my last post, I talked a little about seasons, and how I was unhappy that Spring was trying to come in February. I wanted seasons to behave as they are supposed to;  Spring should start around March 20, Summer June 21, etc.

Of course in reality, it never happens that way. Where I live, Spring usually starts in early March, and Summer starts in late April or early May and goes on until about October. During those months I'm usually complaining about the heat and how I hate hot weather.

Or in other words, I'm usually complaining about whatever doesn't suit me. I realized this as I was in prayer a few days ago and it shook me. I was convicted, and I repented. I asked God to forgive me, and change my perspective. I want to be an encouragement to others, not bring them down.

And then it hit me. Actually, it's not really the weather that has been bothering me, it's the fact that seasons are completely out of my control.

Completely. Out. of. My. Control.  [insert record-scratching sound effect here]

Now, as they say, we are getting down to it. We as humans love control; some of us more than others. It's one of the reasons why people have rejected Jesus down through the ages. They want to control their own life, make their own decisions, and ultimately, live their way until they are ready to die.

The irony is, no one is ever really in control of their own life. God is in control of everything; He always has been, always will be.

God controls the seasons in our lives. Yes, the physical seasons of winter, spring, summer, and fall, but more than that. He has a distinct plan for each of our lives, with seasons of different kinds woven into each plan.  Speaking in generalities, there is a season of childhood and a season when we are young adults, some of us getting married and having children of our own. There's a season when we are older and possibly grandparents.

There are also times in our lives when it feels like we are being disciplined. I believe God puts us in seasons like this to guide us and gently show us the way He wants us to go. Sometimes we may really enjoy the season we are in; sometimes, we may struggle and fight against what He is doing in our lives.

I'm of the opinion that if we fight what He is doing, we will just be in that situation longer. It is much better to submit to God's will. He promised to complete the work He started in each one of us. We just need to let Him get on with it.

In other words, just be still.

Since this little revelation, I have been attempting to "be still." He actually showed that to me shortly before 2018 began. Be still is my word for this season. I don't know how long it will be, but I am trying to not struggle and resist what God is doing in my life. I know He has a good plan for me, and He is not out to hurt me.

I hope you will also embrace whatever season God has you in, and be blessed.

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Just a Daffodil

It warmed up last week and some little green sprigs of the early spring plant life in my yard started popping up here and there. Since winter is my favorite season, I was a little disappointed to notice that it is coming to a close without giving us so much as a single snowflake this year. So I have tried to ignore the signs of spring coming to life around me. Kind of like saying it isn't there if I don't acknowledge it.

That works, right? Ignore it and it will go away.

This past Monday as I was backing out of the driveway to go to work, I noticed a tiny little yellow
bud in a small patch of green on the left side of the car. Inwardly, I groaned. It's a daffodil. Spring is as good as here when they arrive. 

Every day as I left and came back, I couldn't help myself. I was drawn to look to the left of the driveway. The bud was unchanged for most of the week. It had turned off colder early in the week, so this had no doubt slowed its progress. It has rained every day though, so there was no shortage of water for the tiny little flower. It was just a bit too cold for it to finish blooming.

Saturday mornings, I usually linger a bit longer in my quiet time because I don't have to go anywhere. As I sat in my recliner enjoying the rain, I noticed the little flower. It had bloomed. In spite of the colder temperatures, it had hung in there. It was still alive; even thriving. It was drooping a little, but only because it is so small and the rain was beating down on it. 

The Lord spoke to me as I sat looking at the little flower. I felt Him urging me to not be upset with the daffodil because it's merely doing what He created it to do.

Yes, Lord, I know it is, I reasoned. But it's not spring yet. It's February. It's still supposed to be winter, and we never even got any snow. As if  He didn't realize that.

I got up from my chair and went on about my Saturday, but I couldn't get the little daffodil out of my head. I even went out and took a picture of it. The picture attached is the actual daffodil in my yard.

I thought about it off and on all day, and it started to come into focus in my mind that God is speaking to me through a flower.  A flower, and a yellow one at that, when He knows I don't like yellow. It's my least favorite color.

Sunday morning, I was having coffee and prayer time and I stole a glance in the direction of the flower. It was still there; kind of droopy, but completely in bloom. 

It was the only one in the yard.

I'm still not sure what the Lord was saying to me. Possibly that everyone has a purpose, even a tiny, lone daffodil. It doesn't matter if you stand all alone, do what you were made to do. 

That's what the daffodil did. It did exactly what it was supposed to do, in spite of the cold, in spite of the rain. It took it all week, but it finally bloomed. 

I left for church, and the lone daffodil stood proudly, though still droopy. 

When I returned, the sun had been out all morning. For the first time in a week we had sunshine. I expected to see the daffodil finally straightened up with its face toward the sun.

But it was gone. My heart sank. I parked the car and walked over to where the flower had been. No sign of it anywhere. Not one indication remained that there had ever been a yellow daffodil there. The entire plant was gone. I looked all around, thinking maybe one of the squirrels ate it, but there was no yellow anywhere. I don't think it was a squirrel that got it, because they are messy; when they eat pecans on my porch they leave crumbs and shells everywhere.

I think someone picked it. Lots of people walk in my neighborhood and it was close to the street. 

I may never know why the slowly blooming, early daffodil caught my attention, but I actually felt loss when it was gone. I felt like I had been robbed. Actually, I had. It was on my property, so it was mine. 

I was looking forward to seeing it standing upright and not drooping and now I never would.

Pretty silly, I know. All this fuss over a daffodil when I don't like spring, or yellow. Somehow, though, I think something warmed slightly in my heart. The little analogy of a too tiny, too early daffodil resonates within me. A very important truth has been revealed to me.

No one is too small, too insignificant, for God to use. Not even a tiny daffodil. 

I will never look at daffodils the same.

"The Lord has made everything for its own purpose..." Proverbs 16:4 NASB

God's Timing

One of my absolute favorite Christmas albums is by Mannheim Steamroller. On this particular album, there is a medieval sounding tune called "Fum, Fum, Fum." I know it's silly, but I love this! Anytime I hear it throughout the season it instantly lifts my mood and brightens my day.

On the last Monday to work before Christmas break, I was dreading the day. We were having semester tests at school and it's always a busy and stressful time in the office. That particular morning, though, as I got in my car to head to work, that favorite little Christmas tune started playing as I started the car.

Wait a minute. It was just where the CD happened to be right at that moment in

time, right? What's the big deal?

I will tell you. I do NOT believe it was an accident or coincidence. I believe it was God's timing, because He knows it's my favorite and it would instantly lift my spirits. I sat there and thanked Him before I backed out of the driveway for timing it so that song would play when I needed it so badly. He cares about even little things like a silly song that makes me happy. For some reason, I was deeply affected and suddenly very aware of God's timing. I marveled at the fact that He has every detail of our lives in His hand.

Fast forward to New Years Day. 

I've always seen it as a day of promise, of new beginnings, and writing resolutions. A day to watch the Tournament of Roses parade and eat the traditional New Year food. I usually go into a new year hopeful for improvement in some areas of my life while reflecting on what was good and bad in the previous year and thanking God for His guidance, blessings, and protection.

This year, however, I came into the year with a broken bridge. Yes, you read that right  The back tooth, the anchor of a four-tooth bridge in my mouth broke, but remained in place, before Christmas. I was able to get an appointment on December 29 to get some preliminary work done and made an appointment to get the rest done in January.

New Years Day the tooth anchoring the other end of the bridge came loose and the whole bridge fell out in my hand.

Happy New Year!

This was not exactly how I had envisioned 2018 starting out. I was at first horrified, because there was now a gap near enough to the front which revealed that I obviously had a tooth missing. My pride was severely damaged. As I gave it all to God, though, He began to reveal to me that it was not as bad as I had thought it would be when it first happened. Count your blessings and be thankful for the timing, I heard as I waited before Him.

Hmm. Blessings, you say? Let me see.

First, it was a blessing that the whole thing started in the previous year, because I still had insurance available for 2017 that would pay for 1/2 of the first part of the repair work.

Second, because part of this was paid for out of last year's insurance, there would now be enough to pay for the rest of it out of this year's.  Perfect timing.  

Timing? Honestly, if it had happened earlier in the year last year or just a little bit later, it would have been a huge financial burden, because it would be mostly out of pocket.

God's timing. 

The timing of this whole event was arranged by God. I am extremely thankful for this.

I was able to go in the next day and my dentist worked some "magic," gluing the front tooth and one connecting fake tooth back in temporarily until my appointment later in January.

So I became suddenly aware of God's timing in December, when my favorite, whimsical little Christmas tune was played just for me. This  is my word for 2018: timing. He has continued to unfold things in HIS TIME, and I am utterly amazed. I believe I will continue to see His amazing work revealed to me all year, and the timing will be perfect, because He is perfect.

Happy New Year, even though I waited until January 31st to tell you. I've been unable to get the words out until tonight, when it all came into focus for me.

I think it's the way it was supposed to be. It's in God's timing. 

My times are in Your hand; Deliver me from the hand of my enemies and from those who persecute me. Psalm. 31:15 NASB