Finally Out of the Mud

This week, I really feel like I am supposed to draw from journals long ago, so I went through some of them. This is what jumped out at me. It's a segment of an entry from March of 1999. Please bear in mind that back then, my emotions were a train wreck. I hadn't been divorced all that long then.  The hurt was still pretty fresh, and I needed acceptance and affirmation badly. Prior to this entry, I had been crying out to God for help for weeks.  

March 20, 1999—I have continually asked the Lord to fill the emptiness in me...This morning, the Lord started speaking to me before I could have any conscious thought. He said so much, I will not be able to write it all down:

     --He is pleased with me.  He has seen my pain.  He knows what I am going through is painful, but it is necessary for what He will do through me (like the firing of a clay pot). Now I have given of myself, sometimes it hurts a lot. No one seems to notice. He said that soon, I will be giving of Him and His love, not simply drawing on my own resources.  He will pour into me, and I will quite naturally pour it out on others.  I have cast my bread on the waters (Ecc. 11:1) and now it is about to return to me, many times multiplied.  Soon, I will have more love pouring through me than I can know or thought was possible.  

I wish I could tell you that things got better for me immediately after that writing, but they did not. Part of the reason was my own fault; I was my own worst enemy in those days. As bad as I hate to admit it, things continued to go downhill for me for four years after this before they took an upward turn. It wasn't until 2003 that I came to rock bottom and had nowhere to go but up. Those were dark, dark times in my life.

Depressing, huh? Well, it's not meant to be.  Actually, I am writing this today to give you hope.  You see, the promise that God gave me that day was the truth.  He actually said that to me. I remember waking up, feeling His presence and knowing He was speaking to me. I remember scrambling for my journal and finding a pen; the urgency to write it down was very strong. You might wonder why it took so many years for me to start seeing these words come true. I believe it is because I wanted God to heal my emotions, but I wanted to retain control, like a headstrong child who refuses to let her mommy or daddy help her when she falls down. I went along taking two steps forward and one step back for quite a while after this. So, because of my pride, I wandered in this wilderness longer than I should have.  

I needed a heart change in the worst way. Oh, I was a Christian and God had forgiven me, but I still had so much pain in my heart! It affected everything I touched and everyone I came into contact with. God, in His mercy, finally allowed me to hit the bottom so I would stop and reach up to Him. Thankfully, He had been healing me all along, and the process sped up drastically once I let go of the control and let Him be in charge.

The good news in this story is, those words are finally coming true in my life! He does pour into me everyday, and I do my best to pour it right back out, just like He said I would. Sometimes the words for this blog come faster than I can type because He is pouring into me, and I can't keep it in! I have more love in my heart than I can contain, more blessings than I can count, and I know for certain that I am not only loved by God, but my family and friends love me, too. It's all I can do to not cry right now when I think about it, but it's not tears of despair anymore; it's tears of joy.

If you are struggling right now, take it from me, a former emotional wreck. If He can heal my heart, He can heal anybody's!  If you have turned your life over to God, rest assured He is working on your problem. You may not feel like He is, but feelings lie. 

Feelings can't be trusted, but God can.  So please trust Him.  He knows what He is doing.  

1 "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."
Psalm 40:1-3 NLT