Do You Trust Me?

That's what I heard the Lord say to me tonight, when I quit crying out to Him long enough to listen.  "Do you trust me?"  I had to admit, it was a good question.  So, what is trust?

According to Webster's Dictionary, to trust is "to place confidence in; to depend on."  It is also "to commit or place one's care or keeping."  It is "to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of; to believe."

So, do I trust Him?  That kind of hit me right between the eyes.  My immediate response would be "of course I do!"  But do I?  I have been sitting here asking Him for answers that I have already asked Him for.   I have been reminding Him of how miserable I feel tonight, and how He promised to fix it all.  I have been so impatient, wanting my problem solved; my needs met.

Do I trust Him?  I have trusted Him to be my Savior, but do I trust Him in the everyday drudgery that life gets to be at times?  There are things, hopes, promises that I have placed in His care, that I have "committed to His care or keeping" as the dictionary says.  Am I trusting Him, or am I trying to take them back because I don't see any progress?  

Tonight, I got a reality check; I realized that I was indeed trying to do just that.  There are certain valuable dreams, hopes and promises that He has shown me He is and will provide for, and that HE will work out in His own time, and yet I have been lamenting and crying over the state of things as I see them.  I have put Him in the same category with mere humans, who sometimes can be trusted, but sometimes can't.  We are frail; we are weak, and we slip, fall, mess up, disappoint friends, and basically fall short of our own expectations.  

But God is God.  He doesn't mess up.  EVER.  He knows the end from the beginning.  He has a perfect plan for my life, and He is working it out in His perfect timing. I entrusted all that I love and treasure, all my dreams, family, friends, and future into HIS hands.  I can't take it back now.  I'm the one that screwed it all up to start with. 

Do I trust God?  Yes, I do.  He's the only one that is completely trustworthy.

"Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant." 2 Samuel 7:28

Change

Change is not something that comes easily for me.  It seems that just when things finally get like I like them, they change.  I then find myself re-adjusting to something new, finally accepting the change and settling in...only to find it is changing yet again.  

This has been the case with my life, especially in the last year or so. My life is constantly shifting and changing, and I find myself attempting to adjust and keep going, somewhat like a person trying to walk on a boat that is in rough water.  At times, I have been depressed about the constant change, and have found myself wishing I could just find somewhere solid where I could be assured nothing would change.  Now, don't get ahead of me here.  I know you can see where I'm going, but hang on a minute.  

I have tried to find solace in being busy, in church work, in friends, and in work.  I have even attempted to find solace in just zoning out and watching TV.  I have tried to crawl in a hole and pull it in after me, but to no avail--I keep having to go to work and function there.  The pain inside has continued to grow, and I have been on the verge of tears constantly for months now.  I never cry, but the tears are there, just under the surface.

Just when I thought I could not take it anymore, I was reminded a few days ago by the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit to come to Jesus and let Him be my solid place.  He alone is the unchanging, unmoving person in my life that is NEVER. GOING. ANYWHERE.  He promised He would never leave me nor forsake me.  I knew that, but I had somehow lost sight of it.  

I can't depend on friends or family to always be there.  This has been a major source of pain lately, but they are just doing what people do. They are changing, growing, moving forward.  It's not that they don't love me; they do.  It's not them; it's me. I have just lost sight of my Source, my Refuge, and my Provider.  I have tried to find my worth in people, and it's not there.  It has never been there, and it never will be.  My life, my worth, my value is in HIM.  It is in Jesus Christ.  If I try to find it somewhere else, I will end up disappointed and feeling abandoned.

So this is where I'm at tonight.  Throwing myself at the feet of Jesus--again--and asking Him to be my Rock and my Refuge.  He has been there all along, ever since I trusted in Him as my Savior in 1994.  This is true; but I have overlooked the fact that He is there; I have bought into the lies of satan that I am all alone in the world.  Listening to those lies can cause you to lose focus on what's real and secure.  Reading His word and standing on it is the only way to overcome those lies. 

So I'm asking Him to fill all those hollow, empty places in my heart that I have attempted to fill with everything but Him.  I'm holding on to Him so I don't get dizzy when life starts the merry-go-round of change again.  He is the one and only constant in my life.  The one and only.

No matter what changes in my life He will be there.  I have His word on it.