I have begged Him to enlighten me as to what--if anything--I have done to bring about this situation.
[insert crickets chirping here].
He simply will not tell me or show me anything. I have had answers to many other prayers lately, but for some reason He is remaining silent on this particular "need" (or is it a "want?"). At times, it has seemed like I couldn't bear the pain...and yet I have somehow managed to. Jesus has carried me through.
Morning after morning, I start my day with Him, bringing Him all my needs as He said to do. I then wait, for as long as I can before I have to go and get ready for work, to hear what He is saying to me. This time with Him has become my lifeblood. I can't live without it, without HIM. I have grown so much closer to my Lord, so dependent on Him for everything.
And then it came into focus what an amazing thing has happened to me in these recent months: I have learned that if I have an actual need, He will provide it. For instance, I asked Him for help with painting my bathroom. HE literally was the one to help me; He gave me the physical stamina and ability to do it myself. I have asked Him to grant me the ability to do several other things that have always been outside my comfort zone, and He has.
So, just now I was thinking about the fact that He hasn't answered the big question mark that is looming over my head lately, and I then I realized...I don't need to know. If I did, He would have told me already. He has chosen to keep me in the dark, and I have finally accepted it. I'm learning to "accept the things I cannot change," and to "change the things I can," and He is giving me "the wisdom to know the difference."
He asked me just before I started writing this if I trust Him. Do I trust Him to lead me in the dark valley of "not knowing?" I can't see where I'm going, but He can. I have to trust that if I needed to know, I would. Maybe I need to NOT know. Maybe it's an exercise in learning to trust Him even when His ways do not make sense, or seem fair. Perhaps it is His way of teaching me to hold His hand and walk close to Him, since He knows the way and I don't.
So my answer to His question, "do you trust Me?"
Yes I do.