Thursday, July 26, 2012

Knowing the One Who Knows

I read something tonight that totally resonates in my spirit: "Be satisfied to know the One who knows, even if you don't know." Joyce Meyer said that, and it is SO for me. As I have mentioned before, I have been in a deep, dark valley for the last few months. Many times I have asked God to reveal truth to me and to cause me to know the answer to a very puzzling and heart-breaking situation in my life right now. 


I have begged Him to enlighten me as to what--if anything--I have done to bring about this situation.

[insert crickets chirping here].

He simply will not tell me or show me anything. I have had answers to many other prayers lately, but for some reason He is remaining silent on this particular "need" (or is it a "want?"). At times, it has seemed like I couldn't bear the pain...and yet I have somehow managed to. Jesus has carried me through.

Morning after morning, I start my day with Him, bringing Him all my needs as He said to do. I then wait, for as long as I can before I have to go and get ready for work, to hear what He is saying to me. This time with Him has become my lifeblood. I can't live without it, without HIM. I have grown so much closer to my Lord, so dependent on Him for everything.

And then it came into focus what an amazing thing has happened to me in these recent months: I have learned that if I have an actual need, He will provide it. For instance, I asked Him for help with painting my bathroom. HE literally was the one to help me; He gave me the physical stamina and ability to do it myself. I have asked Him to grant me the ability to do several other things that have always been outside my comfort zone, and He has.

So, just now I was thinking about the fact that He hasn't answered the big question mark that is looming over my head lately, and I then I realized...I don't need to know. If I did, He would have told me already. He has chosen to keep me in the dark, and I have finally accepted it. I'm learning to "accept the things I cannot change," and to "change the things I can," and He is giving me "the wisdom to know the difference."

He asked me just before I started writing this if I trust Him. Do I trust Him to lead me in the dark valley of "not knowing?" I can't see where I'm going, but He can. I have to trust that if I needed to know, I would. Maybe I need to NOT know. Maybe it's an exercise in learning to trust Him even when His ways do not make sense, or seem fair. Perhaps it is His way of teaching me to hold His hand and walk close to Him, since He knows the way and I don't.

So my answer to His question, "do you trust Me?"

Yes I do.

Friday, July 6, 2012

The Void Within

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. Interlude ~ Psalm 62:5-8 (NLT) 

I have followed Jesus for almost 18 years, and yet I am still learning some very basic truths. For instance, I have found that though it is certainly helpful to creatures of habit like we humans to establish a routine, it is not in the mere repetition of coming before Him every morning that changes us. We could get up at 5 every morning and still not be any different if we have the wrong attitude. So, we must realize that it is in the attitude of the heart. 

Also, we must acknowledge that our needy soul, that cavernous emptiness inside us, can only be filled by God. As long as we try to get our needs filled by other mere humans like ourselves, we will always feel empty. We will never be satisfied, because God created that void in us especially for Himself. If there is a void in our hearts big enough for God, what makes us think we can fill it with people or things? This is really absurd when you think about it. It is only when we come to Him can we be filled. Only then are we truly ready to face the day.

People told me this over and over, and I thought I believed it. But it wasn't until He revealed it to me by His Spirit that I really saw my emptiness. In a particularly dark and painful time in my life recently, I came to Him with my broken heart. I had nowhere else to go; I had run out of options. He then removed the scales from my eyes and I not only saw my neediness, which years ago, in my fallen and sinful state had manifested itself as a need for affirmation, but the root of it all, which originated from rejection in my childhood. He has delivered me, not from being needy, but from feeling like I have to have a human being to fill that need. HE is now the first one I run to with all my joys and heartaches. Sure, I can still share with friends sometimes, but I'm not doing it out of a need to be affirmed but to simply share. It is so hard to explain the difference, but in my time with Him each day, He fills and equips me for whatever I need that day. He has become the "rock of my strength" and "my refuge."

So, take it from someone who knows. Family and friends are wonderful; God certainly put them in our lives to love and enjoy fellowship with. But never make the mistake of thinking that any person, no matter how much you love them or how good a friend, family member, or spouse they are that they will be able to fill the longings of your soul. They will never be able to do it. Only GOD can do that. 

And by the way, don't think of it as a punishment from God if you happen to be single and didn't really think you would be at this stage of your life. Instead, think of it as a treasure; a time for you and God alone. People used to tell me this all the time and I thought they just didn't understand. But HE has opened my eyes and my heart to it. What riches await you in your time with Him! I am only beginning to learn this, for I, too am single again at a time of my life when my children are grown and I had envisioned growing old with my husband. Cease striving--or "stop squirming" as we might tell a child who had trouble being still--and know that HE IS GOD. He has so much He wants to share with you. Come to Jesus and let Him fill your emptiness. He is the only one who can.