Fingernails on a Chalkboard

We've all been there. That person that gets on your nerves so badly. Every time you're thrown together with them, you just want to scream, or cry, or pull your hair out. Or pull their hair out. 

Which is, of course, frowned upon in most social settings. 

Yes. I'm going there, because the Lord is insisting on it. This may not be a very popular post, but it is one I have to do. The fact is, I have put off writing this one for a while now. It's not an easy one, but here goes.

How do you get along with a person if they are just unreasonable? Because, it's them, right?  Of course, it has to be!  It could not possibly be us. 

I can't tell you how many times in my life I have found myself in a social situation, such as work, church, or a volunteer group that included one person that totally rubbed me the wrong way. 

It's like everything they do or say is "fingernails on a chalkboard" to me, you know?  

A lot of this type of irritation happened early in my Christian walk, but it still happens from time to time. So what are we to do?  

It is my experience that sometimes the Lord allows us to be irritated or annoyed, maybe even mistreated some in order to mold us into the people He knows we can be. If we remove ourselves from all unpleasantness, we might just be hurting ourselves in the long run. I've found that you can run, but you can't hide. You may be able to remove yourself from this type of situation sometimes, but before you know it there is another one. Sometimes a worse one that the one you ran from.

Because, face it; the Lord knows what, or perhaps who, is needed to be "sandpaper" to us to help us become more like Him. 

It is also very possible that the person that is so offensive to us might just be hurting and in need of some kindness, even though they haven't been kind to us. Every time we react in love instead of hate we display Jesus to them. 

They may be very much in need of the love of Christ, just as we all are. Luke 6:31 says, "Treat others the same way you want them to treat you" (NASB).  

I've had to ask myself how I would want to be treated if I were the irritation to someone (because, I'm sure I have been before and may be again).

This is a challenge for me, but it is one that I am doing my best to embrace.

No Longer Needy

One of the definitions that Merriam-Webster gives for neediness is:

"needy:  marked by want of affection, attention, or emotional support"
 <emotionallyneedy> — need·i·ness noun

Yes, that would be the one that described me. For many years, I was that needy person. I'm not proud of it, but part of what I do on this blog is tell about my struggles in the hope that someone will be helped or encouraged. Sometimes, it really helps to know you're not the only one. So here goes.

I'm not going to go in to the details of why I was so needy. Let's just say that seventeen years ago I found myself newly divorced. It was certainly not what I had wanted; I believed when I got married that marriage is forever. I still believe that God intends for it to be; it just didn't turn out that way for me. 

This new-found state of singleness was overwhelming and downright scary most of the time. I had always been a nervous, easily frightened person. There was no peace in my heart; it was always in turmoil. Suddenly, I was the responsible adult in the house with custody of my youngest child, who was 15 and a sophomore in high school. I was scared out of my mind.  

Adding to this, at this point in my life my worth was reflected in the eyes of my friends. There was no one else. My dad, mom, and brother were deceased. My two eldest children were in college a whole hour away (which seems like nothing now!) and the youngest was, as I said before, in high school. I had a cousin, kind of like an older sister to me, but there was really no other family. Many times I cried myself to sleep because I felt so alone and so afraid. So the stage was set for the drama that my life was becoming.

In time, I found myself seeking the company of friends to fill the void in my heart. In my mind, at least subconsciously, if people included me in their lives I was loved and accepted. I desperately wanted to be accepted. 

I was a relatively new Christian, having given my heart to Jesus only about 3 years earlier. Even though I had been raised in church, it was all head knowledge. I had no concept of what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus; in fact, I did not recall when I was growing up ever hearing the phrase "personal relationship with Jesus Christ." So, I had no idea that I was already accepted and loved by Him.  

Thus began a journey toward emotional freedom that lasted for over fifteen years. 

I prayed, read the Bible, got in lots of prayer lines, and took every workshop or Bible study that came along in an attempt to be free of the pain I felt: the pain of rejection.  

God, in His infinite mercy and wisdom, gave me some solid, Bible-believing, praying friends along the way that helped guide me forward in this quest for emotional freedom. Of course, I proceeded to drive them crazy with my neediness. Oh, dear Lord, I was a mess. At the time, I had no idea just how messed up I was. I just felt empty and rejected all the time.

The turning point came in 2003 during a Beth Moore Bible study called Breaking Free.  If you are struggling with emotional issues, I highly recommend it. It started the process of turning my life around. You can read the post where I tell about that by going to this post:

http://debbiev120.blogspot.com/2010/03/emotional-freedom.html

You may have to copy and paste the address into your browser to open it. 

I would love to tell you that I was completely free and no longer needy immediately after that course, but I wasn't. I did start making more progress after that Bible study, but it was several years before I woke up one day and realized my worth and value are in Christ and I am accepted by Him. 

It was years in the making (mostly because I was hard-headed and did not yield to God's leading) but He has filled me with such peace! I seldom feel lonely anymore; those times are brief and happen less often. I don't feel rejected anymore, either. That chain has been broken! Anytime I am even slightly tempted to give in to that, I remind the enemy that I am accepted and loved by Christ and quote scriptures until the feeling passes. For this reason, I kept scriptures taped up everywhere for a long time until they became a part of me.

Today, I am no longer the same person.  I am a new creation in Christ! I am complete in Him! 

At times the pain was intense, but with every battle I grew a little stronger and became a little freer. If you are going through a battle with feeling needy, take heart! God has set me free, and He will do the same for you. 

Not for a Select Audience

I just posted a day or so ago, so I'm sure readers are wondering why I'm posting again so soon.

I started this blog in 2009, and for a couple of years I just posted on the blogspot site without putting a link to it on Facebook. I guess I wanted to hide away safely, letting this blog sit there in the background, and trust God to lead people to it. It made me feel more secure, knowing I wasn't "out there" on the internet for anyone to read.

There was just one problem with that. There was no way of knowing if anyone was seeing it. I was convicted that I was "hiding my light under a bushel," as the children's song goes. So I dealt with that for a while.

The Lord continued to deal with me to make my writing more public. After all, He gave me a desire and ability to write for one primary reason: to be an encouragement to others who might be going through some of the same trials and battles I have been in during my life, especially after I became a Christian. 

But I was not sharing it nearly enough. Then I started a couple of years ago posting a link to each post to my Facebook page, and I felt better. 

I felt somewhat safe; after all, only my friends could see my Facebook page, and therefore, only my friends could find their way to my blog.  A few times I noticed it got shared, so that took it outside my friends' list, which was great. I am always blessed when someone shares one of my blog posts to their wall. However, for the most part, it was still only a select audience. 

Jesus didn't die for a select audience; He died for everyone. And then there's the Great Commission to "go into all the world" with the Gospel of Christ. Yeah, there's that. Hmm. What am I doing with that?  

So, lately I've been feeling the pangs of conviction again. Even though my spiritual gift is encouragement, I still am responsible to share the Gospel, too. Oh boy. I do have some work to do.

Therefore, there will be some changes on the blog in the next few days and weeks. I have to get the plan of salvation on here where it can easily been found, in addition to the encouragement I hope to bring in the blog posts.

Getting out of my comfort zone for sure. 

So, with fear and trembling, I am going forward with this. In addition to the improvements on the blog, I will now be posting it to my Twitter feed, which is set up to automatically post on my Facebook wall. Twitter, unlike Facebook, is completely public. This scares me, but as Joyce Meyer says, sometimes you have to "do it afraid."

And so I press on.

"I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness."  Psalm 40:10 NLT

In Defense of the Quiet

I woke up on my own this morning, which is a rare treat for me. Normally I am rudely awakened by a combination of an alarm clock and my cell phone alarm (it's hard for me to wake up). For work I have to get up about six in the morning, but this morning it was almost seven when I opened my eyes.  That doesn't seem like sleeping in to many of you night owls out there, and it really doesn't to me, either. In days gone by, this self-proclaimed night owl has been known to sleep until nine or ten, after being up until two in the morning.  However, as I have grown older, I have noticed it harder to sleep past seven or sometimes eight, and I have found it increasingly difficult to stay up for very long past the ten o'clock news.  I attribute this to the many years of having to get up at six for work. We'll just go with that and leave the joys of aging to another post.

Yesterday, the cold temperatures finally got the timing right and coincided with the arrival of precipitation in our area and the result was: SNOW! I am home today on a snow day, and enjoying it immensely. I love snow, as I have written on here before. However, that's not what this post is about. I am merely setting the stage for something that I observed this morning in the few minutes after I got up.

As I always do when I am home on a snow day, I went to the door and opened it to look out on my street and marvel at the beauty of the fresh snow. Why do we do this? The snow didn't melt or disappear during the night. It was still there, and I knew it was, but I opened the door and looked outside for a moment just the same.

I noticed it as I was about to close the door on the beauty of it, with its 25 degree temperature that caused me to shiver. The quiet. There was absolutely no sound. I opened the storm door to listen better. There was a hush in the air, a stillness that probably always comes when it is early, and cold, and people are not out and about yet. I just hadn't taken the time to notice before. I stood there for a minute more, just listening, straining to hear something. There were no sounds of cars driving by, even on the usually busier street a block away. There no sounds of children on the playground at the nearby school. There was not even the sound of a dog barking or a siren in the distance. It was just so SILENT.

As I shut the door, it occurred to me that all these sounds that are usually present because people are up getting their kids to school and going to work were not there because of the snow. The snow and ice on the streets had temporarily shut everything down. Many who did have to work were going later, when the snow had melted some.  

Most people are irritated at the inconvenience of snow and ice. It is considered a nuisance, breaking our routines and causing an interruption in our daily lives. I totally get that. As I said before, this post is not in defense of snow, per se. It is in defense of something else; a side-effect of the snow:

Being still.

This post is in defense of being quiet. "Be still and know that I am God," Psalm 46:10 says. I'm as guilty as the rest of rushing through my day and making sure all the important stuff gets done. However, I'm only shortchanging myself when I don't go to Him in the times when He allows something to slow me down. Strength and refreshing can come in those quiet times, when it seems that life is at a standstill.

Perhaps these inconveniences are in our lives at times so we will stop, just for a moment, and listen. Sometimes, in just a few minutes, the Lord can bring rest to our souls or healing to our hearts. Everything we need is found in Him.  

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul." 

Psalm 23:1-3 NIV

Love That Makes the World Go 'Round

Ah, romance.  Hearts, flowers, candy...this month is brimming over with all the mushy, gushy, "love that makes the world go 'round."  In fact, from a marketing standpoint, the Christmas decorations were still on half price when "pow!" Out came all the pink and red Valentine stuff.  

I have steadfastly avoided all the mush and goo for many years now, mostly because I was hurt, really really hurt in a very deep place in my heart.  The reminder that I was not in a loving, romantic relationship was just too much. I couldn't take it. So I asked God to heal me, and He has been doing just that--I'm a work in progress. In the meantime, though, while He works on me, the pain that is still remaining is buried, and I manage to forget most of the time that my heart was once broken and I feared it would never, ever be the same. 

Except during February.  During this month, the world will not let me forget. 

Valentine ads on TV scream, "You are a failure, you know. No one loves you." The card rack at the front of the store, an explosion of pink and red, whispers as I walk by, "There is no one special in your life that loves you."  Even Valentine banquets, couples' retreats, and marriage seminars, all very good things done with the very best of intentions remind me,"You are alone, so therefore, you are less valuable."

Can anyone relate?  I'm sure someone reading this is feeling alone and unloved and dreading the 14th of February, known to singles as "Single Awareness Day" because of what a good job that day does of pointing out to us just how single and alone--and therefore unloved--we are.

However, I don't feel that way anymore.  I am not unloved, and I am not less valuable, and I can prove it.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness" says my God in Jeremiah 31:3 NIV. 

So you are wrong, TV ads. I am not unloved.

The cards in the hearts and flower section may be saying "No one special in your life loves you," but God's Word says:

"God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us," Romans 5:8 NIV.

God loved me so much He sent His Son Jesus to die for my sins. He went to great lengths to redeem me from my sinful state so He could have a relationship with me. So, I guess you are mistaken, Valentine cards.

If I listen to all the negative voices around me, I will be convinced that I am "unloved" and "less valuable." But if I turn to God when those voices start to get to me, I can be assured of God's love for me. In Psalm 66:19-20 it says, "God has surely listened and has heard my prayer. Praise be to God, Who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" NIV.

I may live alone, and not be in an earthly relationship, but I am far from alone.  God loves me more than I could ever fathom, and He is with me 24/7, never leaving nor forsaking me. He will never stop loving me, no matter what I do. I didn't deserve His love in the first place, and yet He loves me.  

I was praying and asking God to show me how to approach this Valentine season.  During our praise team practice this week, while my heart was turned toward Him in worship, He showed me. I am to put all the energy I have spent hating and avoiding this season into loving Him. In other words, turn my focus outward, away from myself.

He will show me as we go along how to love Him back.  For starters I can:

Love my neighbor as I love myself.

Really pray for others. It took some time, but I have formed a habit of stopping and praying right then when I tell someone on Facebook that I will pray for them.

And most importantly, tell the world what He has done for all of humanity to save us because He loves us and wants a relationship with each one of us.

"For this is how God loved the world:  He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 NLT

Because love is more than just feelings.  Love is also an action.

A Birthday with a Zero

What a weekend I just had!  I don't know where to start. Before I can tell about it, I have to give some perspective on just how rarely I see my kids.

I've mentioned my children on here, and it's common knowledge that they are grown and out of the house. Really, really out of the house. None of them live nearby.  One lives a half day's drive away, but the other two live in two different states to the east and west of here. I've learned to accept the situation and have come to expect to see the two that live farther away once or twice a year. Last month, as a rare treat, they all three came in at once for my graduation from college.  It was the first time I had seen them all at the same time in 3 1/2 years.  

So, this weekend, even though they had just been here a month ago they all three came in again to celebrate my 60th birthday, which is coming up on the 20th.  They threw me a surprise party at a local pizza place. Unknown to me, my daughter and my best friend had been working together for several months to make this party happen. Several white lies were told in the process to pull this off.

Friday night my friend texted me and said we should go shopping the next day. I didn't think too much about it; we don't shop often, but we do on occasion.  I told her ok, and she said she would come pick me up about noon or a little after (we're both night owls. No early shopping for us!). 

She showed up at my house as she said she would, but she looked at little upset. She told me she was sorry, but she had forgotten she had to make an appearance at a co-worker's birthday party before we could go shopping. She said not to worry, though; they wouldn't mind if she brought someone and we would only stay 15 minutes.  

She was very convincing. I trust this woman with my life. She and I are like sisters. I was still not suspicious; it sounded reasonable. So we got in her car, and I saw the gift with the person's name on the card.  More evidence to support her story. 

We got to the restaurant and went inside.  When we got close to the party room, I was greeted with a loud "surprise!" There, in the party room were all three of my children, my son-in-law, my granddaughter, and some close friends and family members. I. WAS. SHOCKED! 

The prettiest cake ever!

I've never been so surprised in my life! They had totally kept it a secret for months!  It was the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. I have never been given a party like that. I was so touched that they had gone to so much trouble to make this party happen for me. 

Everyone has gone home, and I'm sitting here alone in my house just trying to process it all. I knew that for a Big Deal like this, I had to blog about it. I have the best children, family, and friends in the world!  I know that one of my love languages is quality time, and I was given a bunch of it this weekend. We all had the best time visiting at the party and afterward.

God is so good to me!  He brought my children home to help me celebrate this zero-ending birthday number (that also involves a 6) and "soften the blow" in the process. We've already established that I don't act my age, anyway, so it's just a number. It does not define me. Tomorrow morning, I leave my fifties and enter my sixties.  

But the world will keep on turning.  Hello 60!

Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things He does for me. Psalm 103:2 NLT

Hat Hair and a Diploma

I'm sure some of you have wondered where I have been. I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written. I've been mulling over in my mind how to put what I need to say into words.

I was about to graduate from college at my last writing; as of December 11 I did just that. However, I have simply been at loss for words. I just don't know how to describe this huge event that just happened in my life. I am going to try, though, to put some words out there in an attempt to describe what I felt and what I am still feeling.

All three of my children came to see me graduate, which made the event so much more special. Since they all live away from this area and a couple of them more than a day's drive from here, they don't manage to all come in at the same time very often.  It definitely takes some coordinating and effort to make this happen, but they did it, and I was overjoyed. By Thursday afternoon, they were all in my house at the same time. Amazing.

The evening of graduation, I had to be in the building next to the arena by a certain time.  I was there, in the room earmarked for "languages and communication," and I found that I was very nervous.  How much skill does it take to walk in, sit with the other graduates, and walk across the stage when my turn came? I didn't have to say anything at all.  I just had to hand the Dean of the English department my reader card that had my name on it, smile, and walk across the stage when he said my name. It would seem to be a cakewalk, but I had a bad case of butterflies in my stomach nonetheless.

 hat hair and a diploma

Additionally, I had the worst case of hat hair I have ever had in my life!  I could not get my hair to look decent with the mortarboard on no matter what I did.  I finally gave up.  A quick look around the room revealed that most of the women had the same dilemma I did.  There were a few that looked adorable, but they were also probably 22 years old and couldn't really help it. I relaxed a little.

The time finally came to line up and walk in. This process took a long time, but at last we were at the doors to the arena.  I started to tear up when I heard "Pomp and Circumstance."  I was not going to cry!  I couldn't! Why was I tearful all of a sudden?

The years of working full time while going to classes part time at night, on weekends, online, and even during the work day during the last two semesters suddenly culminated into this night. The long wait was over; the work had been done.  Now all that was left to do was walk. Just walk. Just follow the person in front of me until we arrived to our row of seats. Yeah, right.

I knew that the professors would be lined up on either side of us, but somehow it was very intimidating.  I passed by instructors I knew, and many that I didn't know, all lined up, cheering us on. Some of them shook hands with me and congratulated me.

Finally we were on the arena floor and people in the crowd were cheering and calling out the names of the graduates they came to see.  I was still choking back the urge to cry. I was filled with such an overwhelming sense of joy to be there, to finally, finally be there, graduating. I have always considered the opportunity to get an education such a privilege. I do not take it lightly. It means so much to me! I looked up and saw a very dear friend (who is more like a sister), her husband and granddaughter, waving like crazy from the top row. She believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. She encouraged me all through the journey I had just come through. Now I really had to fight the tears.

As we neared the row where we would be sitting, I finally saw my children. They had great seats, really close to the stage.  I can't describe what I felt, seeing all of them standing there in a row, waving and cheering me on. They had never stopped encouraging me in my quest for an education. They always believed I could do it. I waved back at them, and I noticed that my cousin was there with them. I just had time to turn and wave at my friend, and then we had to sit down.

I can't remember most of what was said from the stage during the ceremony. It's all kind of a blur. I somehow managed to put one foot in front of the other without falling down.  I made it to the stage, gave the Dean my reader card, and started walking when he called my name, along with the words, "bachelor of arts in English." There were pictures, I waved at my children and my friend, and then it was over.  I had graduated.  I did it!

Though I say I did it, it was not something I could have done unless God had enabled me. He blessed
me with the ability to do the work necessary to complete the coursework.  He helped me to remember what I had learned when I was taking a test. Because of Him, I was able to draw from the skills I had learned over the years to write the papers I had to write. Most of all, He gave me the grace to be able to keep on going. I got discouraged sometimes, but I never seriously considered quitting again, as I had done over and over since my first "Intro to PC" class in 1988. I made my mind up in 2007 that I was going to go for it, and with God-given fortitude I pressed on until I got there. That, my friend, is the grace of God in action.

To get a degree at any age is not an easy task.  It takes a lot of work and determination. I believe that it means more to me now than it would have when I was in my twenties. I have walked through much adversity over the years, but God enabled me to persevere and reach my goal.

My mother and father were poor growing up. Neither of them had a formal education past the eighth grade. I was the first in my immediate family to graduate from high school, and I remember how proud my mother was.  Before she died, she encouraged me to go to college when I expressed a desire to do so. I started and stopped several times because I lacked confidence, but I kept going back. Now, as a very non-traditional more "mature" student, I have graduated from college. My mother would be so proud. I wish she had lived to see this.

Somehow, though, I think my mama knows it. I believe God let her see me graduate from college, and she is smiling.

All things are possible to him who believes. Mark 9:23 NASB.