January is almost over, and I am just now writing my first post of the year. In fact, I haven't posted anything since October.
So, we have left 2015 in the past and have begun a new year. As with any year, it had its good and bad moments. It started off good with my 60th birthday in January, when all 3 of my children came for the surprise party even though they had just been here a month earlier for my college graduation. I was absolutely blown away to see a room full of my friends and family with my children and granddaughter standing among them. It was the best birthday ever.
I flew to Arizona in May to see my sweet daughter-in-law graduate with her Masters Degree. That was a great trip; I wrote a blog about it in June.
Everything else was pretty blah until November. That's when my grandson decided to come at 36 1/2 weeks, weighing 5 lb. 9 oz. but in perfect health, thank God! I took several days off work to help out, and made another couple of trips to see him as well.
My youngest son and his wife came for Christmas and spent a week with me. It was awesome. We had a great visit, which included seeing several movies and getting him and his wife caught up on the current season of Doctor Who so they could watch the Doctor Who Christmas Special with me on Christmas Day. We even went to see their new nephew while they were here, with a detour to see Crystal Bridges on the way back. The only thing that kept Christmas 2015 from being perfect was the fact that my oldest son couldn't come home.
So, as you can see, I was busy living life and couldn't find the time to write. I am happy to be busy. I am blessed to have family and friends and we have so much to do and say when we are together. I think that's how it should be.
That was my 2015 in a nutshell. The new year came in quietly as most years do in the last few years; just the cat and me. I watched the New Years Day Rose Parade like I always do, and fixed blackeyed peas and hog jowl for supper on January 1.
I promise the next post will be more interesting. I am already working on it, but I wanted to recap last year and officially welcome 2016.
Stay tuned for a post in the next few days. It is one of those that is like a "fire shut up in my bones." I think God is up to something.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Seasons
A few weeks back, I was reflecting on my life on a Saturday morning, and suddenly I was journaling about it. I have felt for a couple of weeks that I should post it, so that's what I'm doing. The following is taken from that Saturday morning-with-coffee time of reflection:
There are some things I have learned about myself over the years.
Fact #1--I can't function in chaos. Right now there are various items on the kitchen table, where I am seated, that do not belong here. Some mail, mostly junk, that never made it to the bill rack or trash can. It has to be sorted though, because there are some pieces of this that I need. There's a half full water bottle for some reason. My Bible case. Pens and markers. Ugh. It is really distracting and I have to do something about it today.
For whatever reason, I need a clean table or desk to properly sit and write in my journal or on my blog. The same goes for my desk at work. I have rearranged my desk top several times in the last couple of months trying to have a cleaner surface so I can work efficiently. As of yesterday, I'm finally happy with my desk.
I don't know why this is. I'm just happy that I finally realized this about myself.
Fact #2--I have to have my Saturdays to re-charge my "batteries" so to speak. I used to run and do stuff every weekend and somehow had the energy and stamina to work all week and run all weekend. Not anymore. Except for the occasional weekend trip, for which God gives the grace and energy, I am a hermit on Saturday.
I have come to the the realization that God gives us the grace and strength for what we need to do for a season. Part of it is the aging process. I am 60 now, and don't have quite the energy level I had when my kids were in high school and I ran all the time doing stuff with them. However, part of it is just this: God gave me the ability to run with my teenagers, work my main job all week, and work a part-time job in a fast-food restaurant on nights and weekends at a time in my life when it was needed. More recently, He gave me the motivation and energy to go to college and do homework every night and weekend well past the age when most people are in college.
Now I know it was for a season, and it's over. It's over. Funny thing is, I'm not upset about it. I am grateful to get to be home most nights and on Saturday. It's my favorite place to be. I have projects around the house I enjoy working on like my pictures, writing my blog, and learning to live a minimal lifestyle.
So those were my thoughts that Saturday morning as I sat with Bible, journal, and coffee. I was left with the impression that it's time to clean up my environment--physically, mentally, and spiritually--and get to what God has called me to do in this season. For one, I know I'm drawn to writing in this blog. It makes me happy, but most of the time I don't feel like I have anything to say. I have to depend on Jesus to show me what is "share-worthy" in my life.
In other words, I need to sort through the stack of "mail" in my life--the necessary stuff and the unnecessary stuff--and figure out what is junk and what is not. That may not make sense to anyone else, but the analogy is very clear to me. Aside from the junk mail, none of the things on the kitchen table that day were unneeded; they were just out of place. I love to organize. I am excited about this challenge. God will show me how to sort everything out according to His plan.
My main reason for writing is to encourage others and point them to Jesus, who is the only answer. If you are facing a new, uncharted territory in your life, maybe it is just a new season that God is bringing about. Don't be afraid; He will equip you for what He has called you to do.
I embrace the season that God has put me in. With His help, I know I can do this.
"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1 NLT
There are some things I have learned about myself over the years.
Fact #1--I can't function in chaos. Right now there are various items on the kitchen table, where I am seated, that do not belong here. Some mail, mostly junk, that never made it to the bill rack or trash can. It has to be sorted though, because there are some pieces of this that I need. There's a half full water bottle for some reason. My Bible case. Pens and markers. Ugh. It is really distracting and I have to do something about it today.
For whatever reason, I need a clean table or desk to properly sit and write in my journal or on my blog. The same goes for my desk at work. I have rearranged my desk top several times in the last couple of months trying to have a cleaner surface so I can work efficiently. As of yesterday, I'm finally happy with my desk.
I don't know why this is. I'm just happy that I finally realized this about myself.
Fact #2--I have to have my Saturdays to re-charge my "batteries" so to speak. I used to run and do stuff every weekend and somehow had the energy and stamina to work all week and run all weekend. Not anymore. Except for the occasional weekend trip, for which God gives the grace and energy, I am a hermit on Saturday.
I have come to the the realization that God gives us the grace and strength for what we need to do for a season. Part of it is the aging process. I am 60 now, and don't have quite the energy level I had when my kids were in high school and I ran all the time doing stuff with them. However, part of it is just this: God gave me the ability to run with my teenagers, work my main job all week, and work a part-time job in a fast-food restaurant on nights and weekends at a time in my life when it was needed. More recently, He gave me the motivation and energy to go to college and do homework every night and weekend well past the age when most people are in college.
Now I know it was for a season, and it's over. It's over. Funny thing is, I'm not upset about it. I am grateful to get to be home most nights and on Saturday. It's my favorite place to be. I have projects around the house I enjoy working on like my pictures, writing my blog, and learning to live a minimal lifestyle.
So those were my thoughts that Saturday morning as I sat with Bible, journal, and coffee. I was left with the impression that it's time to clean up my environment--physically, mentally, and spiritually--and get to what God has called me to do in this season. For one, I know I'm drawn to writing in this blog. It makes me happy, but most of the time I don't feel like I have anything to say. I have to depend on Jesus to show me what is "share-worthy" in my life.
In other words, I need to sort through the stack of "mail" in my life--the necessary stuff and the unnecessary stuff--and figure out what is junk and what is not. That may not make sense to anyone else, but the analogy is very clear to me. Aside from the junk mail, none of the things on the kitchen table that day were unneeded; they were just out of place. I love to organize. I am excited about this challenge. God will show me how to sort everything out according to His plan.
My main reason for writing is to encourage others and point them to Jesus, who is the only answer. If you are facing a new, uncharted territory in your life, maybe it is just a new season that God is bringing about. Don't be afraid; He will equip you for what He has called you to do.
I embrace the season that God has put me in. With His help, I know I can do this.
"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1 NLT
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Remembering Not to Fear
A while back, Facebook initiated the practice of giving us glimpses of posts from years ago. I usually enjoy seeing these, though I rarely re-post them. I am content to reminisce and move on.
Tonight though, something from 2007 caught my eye. I hadn't started this blog yet, I had barely ventured away from MySpace (yes! I had one!), but Facebook had a Notes feature--do they still have this? I don't know. So many changes in the social media world in the last 7 or 8 years. Anyway, I had a minor breakthrough and had to shout it from the rooftops, or post it in a note on Facebook. Same effect, right?
Here is the note in its entirety. I was less wordy in those days I guess.
Tonight though, something from 2007 caught my eye. I hadn't started this blog yet, I had barely ventured away from MySpace (yes! I had one!), but Facebook had a Notes feature--do they still have this? I don't know. So many changes in the social media world in the last 7 or 8 years. Anyway, I had a minor breakthrough and had to shout it from the rooftops, or post it in a note on Facebook. Same effect, right?
Here is the note in its entirety. I was less wordy in those days I guess.
to fear or not to fear
When
something happens that is obviously a scare tactic of the devil, I
usually run and hide. I have dreams and panic attacks, and I am
generally unsettled inside for days or even weeks. The spirit of fear
has had a chokehold on me for most of my life. I know in my head that
it's the devil, and I know in my head that God is in control. Knowing
something in your head is not the same as knowing it in your heart,
though.
Earlier this week something happened that really upset me. Immediately, I knew it was an attack and an attempt to scare me and it made me MAD! For the first time, my first thought wasn't one of fear and panic. My first thought was "no weapon that is formed against me shall prosper." (Isaiah 54:17)
That day for the first time, I knew in my heart that it was a fear tactic! I suddenly knew that the devil had no power over me because I am a blood-bought child of God. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you that every tongue that accuses me you will condemn! Today, You have opened the eyes of my heart and allowed me to see the truth--and be FREE! Darkness cannot last in the presence of the Light of the World. Fear has been exposed, and is now defeated.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
Earlier this week something happened that really upset me. Immediately, I knew it was an attack and an attempt to scare me and it made me MAD! For the first time, my first thought wasn't one of fear and panic. My first thought was "no weapon that is formed against me shall prosper." (Isaiah 54:17)
That day for the first time, I knew in my heart that it was a fear tactic! I suddenly knew that the devil had no power over me because I am a blood-bought child of God. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you that every tongue that accuses me you will condemn! Today, You have opened the eyes of my heart and allowed me to see the truth--and be FREE! Darkness cannot last in the presence of the Light of the World. Fear has been exposed, and is now defeated.
Today, eight years later, I'm thankful for victories both large and small. Although, is any victory really small when it's yours? This impacted me so much I had to share it with the world, even though I don't even remember what it was that upset me so much. It doesn't matter. God used it to open my eyes to a spiritual truth that had long evaded me.
I still get afraid at times, but I turned a corner that day. I respond to it differently these days. I know God's promises, like the ones in Psalm 91, are true. I choose to stand on them.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!” Psalm 91:1,2. NASB
Saturday, August 15, 2015
More Than Many Sparrows
It has been quite a stormy spring and summer where I live. We've had a bunch of rain with thunderstorms, and even a flash flood a couple of months ago. All this is most unusual summer behavior for this area. As a rule we are normally without measurable rainfall in the summer months. It is now August, and though by now it should be dry and brown outside, this is not the case this year.
Memorial Day this year brought a huge thunderstorm through in the late afternoon. Damaging winds and possibly hail were in the forecast for the day. So I did what I always do in these cases: I decided to ride it out in my safe place just in case. My bedroom closet, which is in the middle of the house, is where I go when I am uneasy about the weather but don't feel like going to the tornado shelter is necessary.
This particular Monday afternoon's storm quickly escalated to a severe status because of the straight line winds. So I'm in my bedroom with the TV on, watching the play-by-play report they have on when the weather turns nasty. I was sitting on the bed until it started sounding really windy outside, so I moved to the floor of the closet to be farther from the windows. Suddenly, *BOOM!* there was a crashing sound of something hitting the house right beside my bedroom window. And then darkness. I was quite shaken up, and afraid to go anywhere near any windows, so I sat in the closet floor for another 10 or 15 minutes until the wind subsided some.
It didn't appear the roof was damaged because there were no leaks in the house. I investigated as well as I could without going outside, because I knew there was probably a power line down, possibly still live, in my back yard. I soon discovered why I had no power when I finally got up the nerve to go to the back of the house and look out the window. A neighbor's dead tree had come crashing down on the power line that goes from my house to the pole--and pulled my electric meter off the house! It wasn't something hitting the house that I heard; it was the meter being forcefully ripped off, completely disconnecting the electricity. I found out later that it was fortunate that it pulled the electric lines completely clear of the house, because sometimes a fire can start from partially detached lines arcing.
I reported my outage to the electric company, then did what a lot of us tend to do when something like this happens: I shared it on social media. Almost immediately I got I phone call from a family member offering to let me stay with them, and I took them up on it. Because I had to get an electrician to re-attach the meter to the house before the electric company would re-connect my power, I ended up staying there a couple of days. I am so thankful for my family.
A few days later, I was walking around in my back yard and praying. There was something still there that was troubling to me. Another dead tree on the same neighbor's property was leaning and hanging over my property. I was worried it would come down on my power line and I would have the same problem and expense again. Knowing that God cares about my problems, I asked Him to somehow get that remaining dead tree removed in a way that did no harm to anyone or anyone's property, and did not cost me any more money. Then I did my very best to dismiss it from my mind, because I had given it to God. This was in early June.
Two months later another storm came through, the first week in August. It rained heavily, with thunder and lightening at varying intervals all night long. Several times I was awakened by the storm, but never one time did I think about that tree. I had really cast that care on God.
At 4:00 am, I was suddenly awake, probably from loud thunder. Before I could go back to sleep, I heard what sounded like a wire being stretched very tight, and then it was dark. This time, it was really dark, because it was the middle of the night. I found a flashlight and ventured carefully to the back of the house to see if the meter had been pulled off again, but it was so dark I couldn't see it. I called the electric company and reported my outage and tried to go back to sleep.
Finally, after I tossed and turned in a dark house with no fan or AC on, unable to sleep, the first hints of dawn finally started to appear at the windows. When it was light enough, I looked out the window by the meter--it was still attached! There was no damage to property, just as I had asked the Lord for. Since the electric company just had to reattach the wires, I was only without power for 5 hours that time.
This has been a long post, but I felt it was necessary to give some back story. I was really concerned about the tree, and I went to God about it. He took care of it in His way and in His timing. It was encouraging to me that when He takes care of us, He takes all things about our lives into consideration.
The lesson He taught me from all this is if He took care of that need, He will certainly take care of all my other needs, too!
"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" Luke 12:6-7 (NIV).
Memorial Day this year brought a huge thunderstorm through in the late afternoon. Damaging winds and possibly hail were in the forecast for the day. So I did what I always do in these cases: I decided to ride it out in my safe place just in case. My bedroom closet, which is in the middle of the house, is where I go when I am uneasy about the weather but don't feel like going to the tornado shelter is necessary.
This particular Monday afternoon's storm quickly escalated to a severe status because of the straight line winds. So I'm in my bedroom with the TV on, watching the play-by-play report they have on when the weather turns nasty. I was sitting on the bed until it started sounding really windy outside, so I moved to the floor of the closet to be farther from the windows. Suddenly, *BOOM!* there was a crashing sound of something hitting the house right beside my bedroom window. And then darkness. I was quite shaken up, and afraid to go anywhere near any windows, so I sat in the closet floor for another 10 or 15 minutes until the wind subsided some.
It didn't appear the roof was damaged because there were no leaks in the house. I investigated as well as I could without going outside, because I knew there was probably a power line down, possibly still live, in my back yard. I soon discovered why I had no power when I finally got up the nerve to go to the back of the house and look out the window. A neighbor's dead tree had come crashing down on the power line that goes from my house to the pole--and pulled my electric meter off the house! It wasn't something hitting the house that I heard; it was the meter being forcefully ripped off, completely disconnecting the electricity. I found out later that it was fortunate that it pulled the electric lines completely clear of the house, because sometimes a fire can start from partially detached lines arcing.
I reported my outage to the electric company, then did what a lot of us tend to do when something like this happens: I shared it on social media. Almost immediately I got I phone call from a family member offering to let me stay with them, and I took them up on it. Because I had to get an electrician to re-attach the meter to the house before the electric company would re-connect my power, I ended up staying there a couple of days. I am so thankful for my family.
A few days later, I was walking around in my back yard and praying. There was something still there that was troubling to me. Another dead tree on the same neighbor's property was leaning and hanging over my property. I was worried it would come down on my power line and I would have the same problem and expense again. Knowing that God cares about my problems, I asked Him to somehow get that remaining dead tree removed in a way that did no harm to anyone or anyone's property, and did not cost me any more money. Then I did my very best to dismiss it from my mind, because I had given it to God. This was in early June.
Two months later another storm came through, the first week in August. It rained heavily, with thunder and lightening at varying intervals all night long. Several times I was awakened by the storm, but never one time did I think about that tree. I had really cast that care on God.
At 4:00 am, I was suddenly awake, probably from loud thunder. Before I could go back to sleep, I heard what sounded like a wire being stretched very tight, and then it was dark. This time, it was really dark, because it was the middle of the night. I found a flashlight and ventured carefully to the back of the house to see if the meter had been pulled off again, but it was so dark I couldn't see it. I called the electric company and reported my outage and tried to go back to sleep.
Finally, after I tossed and turned in a dark house with no fan or AC on, unable to sleep, the first hints of dawn finally started to appear at the windows. When it was light enough, I looked out the window by the meter--it was still attached! There was no damage to property, just as I had asked the Lord for. Since the electric company just had to reattach the wires, I was only without power for 5 hours that time.
This has been a long post, but I felt it was necessary to give some back story. I was really concerned about the tree, and I went to God about it. He took care of it in His way and in His timing. It was encouraging to me that when He takes care of us, He takes all things about our lives into consideration.
The lesson He taught me from all this is if He took care of that need, He will certainly take care of all my other needs, too!
"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" Luke 12:6-7 (NIV).
Sunday, June 21, 2015
My Dad's Legacy
This is a picture of my dad, Harry King, when he was in his early 20s, around the early 1930s. He was one of the most musically talented people I've ever known. He loved to sing and could play anything with strings on it. He mostly played guitar, but he also played the piano and the violin. He even had a cello for a while, and he learned to play it pretty well before he traded it off for something "better." I have a picture of him with it, miraculously, shown below. He was always buying and selling musical instruments, so he would have different instruments all the time. If he were alive in today's world, I have no doubt he would be on eBay all the time.
Some of my earliest memories are of my dad and me singing some silly song he made up. How I wish I had recordings of those times! There wasn't any video, of course, or even cassette tapes in those days. He had reel to reel tape recorders though, as you can see in the picture below from about 1960. I guess he didn't think about the silly songs as anything of consequence, so he didn't record them, but those are the main things that impacted me. You just never know what your kids will remember and treasure about their growing up years.
So, remember that, you young moms and dads. Make memories with your kids and document it well. Today's fun and games become tomorrow's treasures in their memories of their childhoods.
My dad left me a legacy. No, he didn't have money or anything of any real value according to this world's standards. He loved the Lord, though, and he loved to worship Him with singing and music. That is the legacy he left me. He passed that down to me, and now I am worshiping the Lord in song. It's a passion of mine. Recently, our praise team sang "Just a Closer Walk with Thee" during worship on a Wednesday night. I was flooded with memories of singing that song with my dad. Sometimes we sang at church, sometimes on the radio program he had for a while. I was thinking how he would be blessed to know that I'm still singing and praising the Lord. He instilled a love of God and of music in me, and it's still there! I got choked up and almost couldn't sing that song thinking about him.
What a Godly heritage I have! Here's to my dad, who has been in Heaven for 32 years, worshiping Jesus in person! Thank you for what you left with me.
(By the way, your grandkids all sing and play, too, in case you didn't know.)
Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there!
Saturday, June 13, 2015
No More Chains
This is a very long post that I have prayed over a lot. I have made it as concise as I could, but this is like a fire shut up in my bones. I didn't sleep much last night because I had written this in my journal but not posted it. I finally came to the conclusion that I cannot keep this inside if even one person will benefit from it. So here is a portion of last night's journal entry:
Over the last few years, the Lord has been peeling away layers of my heart, like layers of an onion. At times this can be painful, but most of the time I’m just amazed that I am seeing glimpses of “the real me,” instead of the façade that I have hidden behind most of my life. I'm just as surprised as everyone else; I had no idea who I was, either.
In the last couple of years or so I have learned a lot about myself. For instance, I now know that I am an introvert. I am much happier alone or with a few I am close to than in a crowd. I have to have my alone time to rest and recharge. Being around large groups of people is exhausting and drains all the energy out of me as a rule. I am ok with being with close friends and family to an extent, but even with them I find I have to be alone after a while.
I’ve been reading old journals; some from over 20 years ago, and some from recent years. I have found a common thread throughout: I discovered that I had severe emotional damage up until about 3 or so years ago. It is suddenly so clear to me, and was quite a revelation to me, though I'm sure those close to me knew it long ago. I was desperately needy, and always seeking to have that need filled by various people. I’m not even going to try and analyze why I became that way. God knows; and if He wants me to know, He will show me. If it is better that I not know, I’m ok with that.
One of the characteristics I developed as a child and teenager is embarrassing to admit, but I can tell it now because I am totally delivered from it. I became very much in need of approval and affirmation. It was revealed to me as I prayed and sought the Lord that I was an attention seeker. Some emotionally damaged children seek attention in any way they can get it because they are so neglected and so starved for love and acceptance. Sometimes the attention is in the form of discipline, but it seems that they would prefer negative attention to no attention.
I was not one of those who did bad things to get attention, though; at least not openly bad. I didn’t break things, or steal, or intentionally try to hurt others. The destruction I rendered was to myself. I turned my insecurities inward and became my own worst enemy. I constantly berated myself inwardly for things about myself in which I didn’t feel I measured up to the standard I had set for myself.
As I said before, I’m not into analyzing why I became self-loathing and critical of myself, but I do have a theory. It all came into focus in my time with the Lord last night. I believe it was a generational curse intended to destroy me. This was mentioned by a Christian counselor I went to for a while a few years back, and I knew when they said it they were right. I have renounced this curse in the name of Jesus, and I am free from it. However, God is still cleaning up the damage left in its wake.
I used to be so focused on everything that was wrong in my life that if I happened to open up to a friend on occasion, afterward I would hate myself for being such a pain. It became a vicious cycle, and it constantly fed the ever-growing chasm in my heart that the insecurities of feeling insignificant and unloved had made. After I shared my heart with someone I would hate myself and became convinced I had made the listener angry or not love me anymore. On and on and on, ad nausem.
Most of my friends from childhood had no idea I was such an emotional wreck because I was very good at hiding my true feelings. I'm sure I didn't even know I was doing it or that I had emotional problems, but I didn't let very many close enough to me to discover it.
I went along like this until I met my husband when I was 17. For a while, things were much better. I loved him, and he made me feel good about myself because he claimed to love me. Of course, it wasn’t long until I began to doubt that he really did, and I proceeded to try his patience with me like I had with the few friends I had let close to me.
He wasn’t without emotional damage himself, though. He was an imperfect human being just as I was. He did love me as much as he knew how, but he was only human. No human can fill the void that is intended for God, no matter who they are or how much they love us. So we were like two damaged souls trying to find the light switch in a dark room. Neither of us knew where it was, and we kept hurting each other while trying to find it.
I remember a specific time in the first year of our marriage where we had been arguing about something. I don’t remember what the argument was about, but I do remember crying and running down the hall to the bathroom hoping that he would come and comfort me and tell me it was all going to be ok.
He never came. I needed a knight in shining armor on a white horse, but he was just as broken as I was. This event set the tone for our entire relationship. I can see so clearly now that we both just needed Jesus. At least, I know I did. I can't say for sure about him.
I found out about the grace and forgiveness that Jesus offers when I was in my late 30s. By this time, we had 3 children entering their teenage years and our marriage was teetering on a precipice of fear and insecurities that we had lived on for so many years. This pattern I was into of setting up anyone who loved me to not be there for me, which I perceived as proof they didn’t love me repeated itself over and over until God finally opened my eyes to what was happening.
One morning I was all alone in the house, and the pain in my heart became so intense I could stand it no more. I had been attending a church for over a year that taught about the saving grace of Jesus, and all that Word that had been planted in me finally broke through my crusty, hard heart. I gave my heart to Jesus on October 31, 1994 in a broken, sobbing mass of tears on my living room floor. My life began to turn around, but it was many years and heartbreaks later that I began to see and experience the chains actually falling off.
There was so much damage and so little trust and respect in our marriage that we eventually divorced in 1997. That was a very dark time in both of our lives. God mercifully intervened into our lives and it appears that my ex is now a Christian, too. He remarried years ago and seems to be happy now. I am truly happy for him.
I am a different person today than I was even 3 years ago, thanks to the miraculous and healing touch of Jesus in my life. Even though I gave my heart to Jesus 20 years ago, the healing is a process; it didn’t happen overnight. I know now what I did when I set people up to dump me; I was only repeating the pattern that had been established in my family line many generations earlier. I am so thankful that the blood of Jesus breaks that curse and those chains of emotional damage have fallen off.
Jesus is my Savior; He is my Knight in shining armor who rescued me on that day 20 years ago when I cried out for Him to save me and help me. He always ALWAYS comes to my aid when I am hurting. He meets me at the very point of my need; He picks me up and holds me until I am reassured that He does love me and always will and He will never, EVER forsake me.
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 NASB
Over the last few years, the Lord has been peeling away layers of my heart, like layers of an onion. At times this can be painful, but most of the time I’m just amazed that I am seeing glimpses of “the real me,” instead of the façade that I have hidden behind most of my life. I'm just as surprised as everyone else; I had no idea who I was, either.
In the last couple of years or so I have learned a lot about myself. For instance, I now know that I am an introvert. I am much happier alone or with a few I am close to than in a crowd. I have to have my alone time to rest and recharge. Being around large groups of people is exhausting and drains all the energy out of me as a rule. I am ok with being with close friends and family to an extent, but even with them I find I have to be alone after a while.
I’ve been reading old journals; some from over 20 years ago, and some from recent years. I have found a common thread throughout: I discovered that I had severe emotional damage up until about 3 or so years ago. It is suddenly so clear to me, and was quite a revelation to me, though I'm sure those close to me knew it long ago. I was desperately needy, and always seeking to have that need filled by various people. I’m not even going to try and analyze why I became that way. God knows; and if He wants me to know, He will show me. If it is better that I not know, I’m ok with that.
One of the characteristics I developed as a child and teenager is embarrassing to admit, but I can tell it now because I am totally delivered from it. I became very much in need of approval and affirmation. It was revealed to me as I prayed and sought the Lord that I was an attention seeker. Some emotionally damaged children seek attention in any way they can get it because they are so neglected and so starved for love and acceptance. Sometimes the attention is in the form of discipline, but it seems that they would prefer negative attention to no attention.
I was not one of those who did bad things to get attention, though; at least not openly bad. I didn’t break things, or steal, or intentionally try to hurt others. The destruction I rendered was to myself. I turned my insecurities inward and became my own worst enemy. I constantly berated myself inwardly for things about myself in which I didn’t feel I measured up to the standard I had set for myself.
As I said before, I’m not into analyzing why I became self-loathing and critical of myself, but I do have a theory. It all came into focus in my time with the Lord last night. I believe it was a generational curse intended to destroy me. This was mentioned by a Christian counselor I went to for a while a few years back, and I knew when they said it they were right. I have renounced this curse in the name of Jesus, and I am free from it. However, God is still cleaning up the damage left in its wake.
I used to be so focused on everything that was wrong in my life that if I happened to open up to a friend on occasion, afterward I would hate myself for being such a pain. It became a vicious cycle, and it constantly fed the ever-growing chasm in my heart that the insecurities of feeling insignificant and unloved had made. After I shared my heart with someone I would hate myself and became convinced I had made the listener angry or not love me anymore. On and on and on, ad nausem.
Most of my friends from childhood had no idea I was such an emotional wreck because I was very good at hiding my true feelings. I'm sure I didn't even know I was doing it or that I had emotional problems, but I didn't let very many close enough to me to discover it.
I went along like this until I met my husband when I was 17. For a while, things were much better. I loved him, and he made me feel good about myself because he claimed to love me. Of course, it wasn’t long until I began to doubt that he really did, and I proceeded to try his patience with me like I had with the few friends I had let close to me.
He wasn’t without emotional damage himself, though. He was an imperfect human being just as I was. He did love me as much as he knew how, but he was only human. No human can fill the void that is intended for God, no matter who they are or how much they love us. So we were like two damaged souls trying to find the light switch in a dark room. Neither of us knew where it was, and we kept hurting each other while trying to find it.
I remember a specific time in the first year of our marriage where we had been arguing about something. I don’t remember what the argument was about, but I do remember crying and running down the hall to the bathroom hoping that he would come and comfort me and tell me it was all going to be ok.
He never came. I needed a knight in shining armor on a white horse, but he was just as broken as I was. This event set the tone for our entire relationship. I can see so clearly now that we both just needed Jesus. At least, I know I did. I can't say for sure about him.
I found out about the grace and forgiveness that Jesus offers when I was in my late 30s. By this time, we had 3 children entering their teenage years and our marriage was teetering on a precipice of fear and insecurities that we had lived on for so many years. This pattern I was into of setting up anyone who loved me to not be there for me, which I perceived as proof they didn’t love me repeated itself over and over until God finally opened my eyes to what was happening.
One morning I was all alone in the house, and the pain in my heart became so intense I could stand it no more. I had been attending a church for over a year that taught about the saving grace of Jesus, and all that Word that had been planted in me finally broke through my crusty, hard heart. I gave my heart to Jesus on October 31, 1994 in a broken, sobbing mass of tears on my living room floor. My life began to turn around, but it was many years and heartbreaks later that I began to see and experience the chains actually falling off.
There was so much damage and so little trust and respect in our marriage that we eventually divorced in 1997. That was a very dark time in both of our lives. God mercifully intervened into our lives and it appears that my ex is now a Christian, too. He remarried years ago and seems to be happy now. I am truly happy for him.
I am a different person today than I was even 3 years ago, thanks to the miraculous and healing touch of Jesus in my life. Even though I gave my heart to Jesus 20 years ago, the healing is a process; it didn’t happen overnight. I know now what I did when I set people up to dump me; I was only repeating the pattern that had been established in my family line many generations earlier. I am so thankful that the blood of Jesus breaks that curse and those chains of emotional damage have fallen off.
Jesus is my Savior; He is my Knight in shining armor who rescued me on that day 20 years ago when I cried out for Him to save me and help me. He always ALWAYS comes to my aid when I am hurting. He meets me at the very point of my need; He picks me up and holds me until I am reassured that He does love me and always will and He will never, EVER forsake me.
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 NASB
Monday, June 8, 2015
There and Back Again: A Mother's Journey to Arizona
It has been 4 weeks since my trip to Arizona, and I hadn't taken time to blog about it until today. When I arrived back home, I stepped off the plane into another dimension; the one where we enter the crazy, hectic, last two weeks of school where I work. It's certainly been life in the fast lane lately. Finally, I am getting around to writing about my trip.
And so my story begins....
Mother's Day morning at 4:15 am, I left for the airport to catch a 5:15 am flight to Dallas, where I would have a 2 hour layover and fly from there to Phoenix. Because there's a 2 hour time difference in Arizona, I would leave Dallas at 8:20 and arrive in Phoenix at 9:05. My son, his wife, and her mother and I would have all day to frolic in the Arizona sun and enjoy each other's company. That was the plan.
But that's not how it played out.
I arrived at the airport in plenty of time and got checked in. By shortly after 4:30, I was sitting in the waiting area by the gate. We boarded the plane on schedule, even though there were thunderstorms in the area. We sat on that plane for about 45 minutes, then were told that our flight was delayed due to storms in the Dallas area. After over an hour, we finally took off, but my connecting flight was supposed to be at 8:20, and I knew I would miss it.
They put me on another plane to Phoenix, and it was boarding when I landed. I had to practically run to get there, since the Skylink was down due to lightning. I made it, and boarded that plane.
And we sat there an hour.
Eventually, the pilot announced that this flight had been cancelled. We all had to deplane, and get in line to get yet another flight to Phoenix. I stood in line for probably 45 minutes to an hour and was finally given another flight, but I was told it wasn't a boarding pass. They told me I would have to go to the gate where this plane was departing and get a boarding pass. I encountered some very unhappy American Airlines personnel who proceeded to take their miserable attitudes out on anyone who dared to ask them anything.
By the time I found where my flight would board and get someone to make the effort to print me a boarding pass, it was mid-afternoon. My sweet little plan to arrive in Dallas about 6:30 am and have a leisurely breakfast during my 2 hour layover had totally fallen apart. I finally got something to eat about 3:00 or so. There was a Starbucks and a Wendy's in that part of the terminal, so I had myself a caramel macchiato and some chicken nuggets. Unorthodox combination, I know, but I had my heart set on Starbucks coffee for breakfast and by George, I was going to have it! I knew I needed some protein, though, so that's why the chicken nuggets.
My flight was delayed a couple of times, but it finally took off about 6:15 pm. I was finally headed for Phoenix, and landed about 6:45 pm Phoenix time. At least I got a couple of hours of my miserable day back due to the time difference.
The graduation ceremony was the next day at 10 am. Pictured is my view from our seats. This ceremony was just for graduate students; those getting a Masters or Doctorate. My daughter-in-law received a Master of Arts in Music. I'm really proud of her; she has worked hard for this for the last 2 years. I'm so glad I was able to fly out there for this.
After the ceremony, we had lunch at a quaint little restaurant near the campus called The Normal Diner. Of course, with a name like that, you might know it would be anything but normal. The food was really good, and the fellowship was, too. My son, daughter-in-law, and her mother, along with a couple of Alli's friends that also graduated sat and visited for a couple of hours. We had a great time.
The picture to the right supports my claim that this eatery was anything but normal. It had a flair for pop culture that was quite charming. For instance, there was an entire wall of 8 track tapes. Yes, that's right. Eight tracks. If you don't know what those are, I'm really, really sorry. They were great.
Google it.
You can get online and find out more about them. They were very popular in the 70s and they had a great sound. Sadly, they didn't really catch on. When cassettes finally came on the scene, they faded out.
Alli had play rehearsal and her mother had to fly back home that night, so they didn't get to go the the Botanical Gardens with us. This was one of the activities we had planned to do on Sunday but didn't get to, thanks to my being stuck in Dallas all day. *sigh*
Jeff and I spent a couple of hours touring the gardens. There were more types of cacti than I ever knew existed. It was a neat place but SO HOT. I'm sure it seemed extra hot to me, since we had been having an unusually cool spring this year. The day I flew there, it was a 65 degree, rainy day at home. It was in the 90s when we toured the gardens, though, so I felt like I was being roasted alive.
But it's no secret I'm not a fan of hot weather, so I'm probably not the best judge of how hot it really was.
One of the neatest things was this sundial, pictured above. As you can see, it was 5:00 pm when we were there. This sundial was completely accurate, thanks to the fact that Arizona does not observe Daylight Savings time.
We talked it over, and we decided this sundial is probably the reason they decided to stay with standard time. They wanted it to be accurate. (Haha. Just kidding. Not about talking it over; we did that. We have no idea why Arizona doesn't observe Daylight Savings time, though.)
After we left the Botanical Gardens, Jeff, Alli, and I went to downtown Tempe to find a place to eat. I saw something I hadn't seen before. I don't know what to call them, but they put out a mist of water to cool down the people walking on the sidewalks there. We were there at night, but it gets very hot in the daytime, as I had just experienced at the Botanical Gardens. I wish they had these there.
It was a great trip, even it it was short. I flew back home the next day after graduation. This time, the flights left as scheduled. I was back home Tuesday night about 10:30 pm. I am so blessed to be able to go and see my children. It's tough sometimes, with them all living away from here, but I get to go some neat places to see them.
And so my story begins....
Mother's Day morning at 4:15 am, I left for the airport to catch a 5:15 am flight to Dallas, where I would have a 2 hour layover and fly from there to Phoenix. Because there's a 2 hour time difference in Arizona, I would leave Dallas at 8:20 and arrive in Phoenix at 9:05. My son, his wife, and her mother and I would have all day to frolic in the Arizona sun and enjoy each other's company. That was the plan.
But that's not how it played out.
I arrived at the airport in plenty of time and got checked in. By shortly after 4:30, I was sitting in the waiting area by the gate. We boarded the plane on schedule, even though there were thunderstorms in the area. We sat on that plane for about 45 minutes, then were told that our flight was delayed due to storms in the Dallas area. After over an hour, we finally took off, but my connecting flight was supposed to be at 8:20, and I knew I would miss it.
They put me on another plane to Phoenix, and it was boarding when I landed. I had to practically run to get there, since the Skylink was down due to lightning. I made it, and boarded that plane.
And we sat there an hour.
Eventually, the pilot announced that this flight had been cancelled. We all had to deplane, and get in line to get yet another flight to Phoenix. I stood in line for probably 45 minutes to an hour and was finally given another flight, but I was told it wasn't a boarding pass. They told me I would have to go to the gate where this plane was departing and get a boarding pass. I encountered some very unhappy American Airlines personnel who proceeded to take their miserable attitudes out on anyone who dared to ask them anything.
By the time I found where my flight would board and get someone to make the effort to print me a boarding pass, it was mid-afternoon. My sweet little plan to arrive in Dallas about 6:30 am and have a leisurely breakfast during my 2 hour layover had totally fallen apart. I finally got something to eat about 3:00 or so. There was a Starbucks and a Wendy's in that part of the terminal, so I had myself a caramel macchiato and some chicken nuggets. Unorthodox combination, I know, but I had my heart set on Starbucks coffee for breakfast and by George, I was going to have it! I knew I needed some protein, though, so that's why the chicken nuggets.
My flight was delayed a couple of times, but it finally took off about 6:15 pm. I was finally headed for Phoenix, and landed about 6:45 pm Phoenix time. At least I got a couple of hours of my miserable day back due to the time difference.
The graduation ceremony was the next day at 10 am. Pictured is my view from our seats. This ceremony was just for graduate students; those getting a Masters or Doctorate. My daughter-in-law received a Master of Arts in Music. I'm really proud of her; she has worked hard for this for the last 2 years. I'm so glad I was able to fly out there for this.
After the ceremony, we had lunch at a quaint little restaurant near the campus called The Normal Diner. Of course, with a name like that, you might know it would be anything but normal. The food was really good, and the fellowship was, too. My son, daughter-in-law, and her mother, along with a couple of Alli's friends that also graduated sat and visited for a couple of hours. We had a great time.
Google it.
You can get online and find out more about them. They were very popular in the 70s and they had a great sound. Sadly, they didn't really catch on. When cassettes finally came on the scene, they faded out.
Alli had play rehearsal and her mother had to fly back home that night, so they didn't get to go the the Botanical Gardens with us. This was one of the activities we had planned to do on Sunday but didn't get to, thanks to my being stuck in Dallas all day. *sigh*
But it's no secret I'm not a fan of hot weather, so I'm probably not the best judge of how hot it really was.
One of the neatest things was this sundial, pictured above. As you can see, it was 5:00 pm when we were there. This sundial was completely accurate, thanks to the fact that Arizona does not observe Daylight Savings time.
We talked it over, and we decided this sundial is probably the reason they decided to stay with standard time. They wanted it to be accurate. (Haha. Just kidding. Not about talking it over; we did that. We have no idea why Arizona doesn't observe Daylight Savings time, though.)
After we left the Botanical Gardens, Jeff, Alli, and I went to downtown Tempe to find a place to eat. I saw something I hadn't seen before. I don't know what to call them, but they put out a mist of water to cool down the people walking on the sidewalks there. We were there at night, but it gets very hot in the daytime, as I had just experienced at the Botanical Gardens. I wish they had these there.
It was a great trip, even it it was short. I flew back home the next day after graduation. This time, the flights left as scheduled. I was back home Tuesday night about 10:30 pm. I am so blessed to be able to go and see my children. It's tough sometimes, with them all living away from here, but I get to go some neat places to see them.
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