I've tried to write this testimony so many times, but I could never get the right words to explain it. I think this time I may have succeeded. It must be God's timing.
Many years ago, before I had placed my faith in Jesus as my Savior, I did not know my worth. I grew up in church but did not have a relationship with Jesus. I never even heard of the concept of having a relationship with Jesus until was in my late thirties.
Later, after I had placed my faith in Jesus, I was still very insecure. The challenges I faced as a divorcee with a teenage son in high school were plentiful. The enemy threw everything he could at me to discourage me and he was successful for a lot of years. A whole lot of years.
I didn't know it then, but after the divorce I thought I had lost my identity; I was no longer a wife, so that was not who I was. My mom and dad had passed away so I was no longer a daughter. My brother had passed away, so I was no longer a sister. My older two children were in college and I perceived erroneously that they no longer needed me, so I had a somewhat emptier nest. Bless his heart, my youngest son bore the brunt of my depression and despair in those early, dark days. He was and still is a good listener and has wisdom beyond his years. I leaned on him a lot, even though looking back, I cringe thinking about what the whole situation did to him.
So I had my son, and a couple of friends who were wonderful, but they weren't supposed to bear the weight of my broken heart. That belonged to Jesus, but I didn't come to that realization for many years; many agonizing, painful years.
As I have mentioned on here before, my need for affirmation, along with the need to know my identity, caused my anguish and desolation to consume me.
I had to belong to someone, somewhere. I had to! Not even in a romantic setting; I just wanted to be part of a family. I tried to belong by taking matters in my own hands. I left a good, Bible-believing church on a quest for "where I belonged."
All the time, I already belonged to Jesus, and my worth was in Him, but I had not been a Christian for very long, and the divorce derailed my discipleship somewhat. So I didn't know.
I wandered for two years looking for where I belonged. During this time, my friends that I had leaned on so much moved away from my area. Shortly after that, my youngest went away to college.
And the bottom fell out of my world.
In a odd twist of events, shortly before my son went off to college, I had landed in the church where I have now been a member for nearly 20 years. I was not home free, though. I knew I belonged in that church; God confirmed that to me when I walked in the door the first time. However, I still had the gnawing neediness that left me feeling empty and unwanted.
Oh man, it is so humiliating to admit all this! I wouldn't do it if I didn't KNOW I'm supposed to. Someone needs to hear this; to know there is hope for them. I know this is true. I have been stuck, unable to write for months because I didn't know how to say this. Ever balk at something God told you to do? You can't pick and choose what He tells you to do. Feeling stuck? Go back to the last thing He said. Do the thing He put in your heart and get unstuck.
So, here we are. Now I have to do this; it has to be said. It's a fire within me tonight.
So here goes.
I know in the early days of my divorced state I drove people crazy; I would hang around on the edges of groups of new friends I had made. I wanted to be wanted. I hoped and prayed for them to see me and talk to me. If they liked me, I would matter (I subconsciously told myself). I hoped they would invite me to go to lunch after church. I wanted to belong. I had to fill the cavernous emptiness in me.
I was trying to make something happen, instead of trusting God to let it happen --IF it was supposed to--in His timing. Someone very dear to me kept telling me to not force things, just "let it happen," but it was lost on me. I didn't get it.
This went on for way too long. I went to prayer meetings, I stood in lines to be prayed for, and I told all my problems to a few friends I had become close to. I did get some better, but it wasn't until I hit rock bottom about eight years ago that things really started to change.
I was already on anti-depressants, but serotonin levels in my brain are only one factor in the depression I was dealing with. I had serious, deep-seated issues that I had to deal with to be free.
A couple of things happened to help me to find deliverance. First, I went through a Divorce Care class. It was years after the divorce, but it brought a bunch of stuff to the surface that I never even knew was there.
Second, I got some professional counseling. I met on a regular basis with a married couple who were Christian counselors. They knew the right questions to ask me, and most importantly, they knew how to pray. We met, talked, and prayed together for several months. God used them to guide me to deliverance from the junk that had made me so needy and desperate. He used them to show me that I was already free; Jesus had set me free when He died for me on the cross. I came to realize I was sitting in a prison cell, so to speak, but the door was unlocked and the chains I was wearing were just hanging on my wrists, unfastened.
In time, I got up and the chains of depression, despair, and abandonment, as well as many others, dropped off because I was no longer bound. I walked out of that prison FREE, knowing that my worth is in Christ Jesus. I am His and He provides my every need.
It wasn't until that counseling that my eyes were opened to the fact that I was trying to make things happen that I felt like I needed. Just like my friend had been saying. In time I learned to listen to the Holy Spirit; to discern if I was wanting something He either knew wasn't needed or it was just not the right time.
If you struggling with knowing your worth or trying to belong, or any kind of bondage, take heart. If you have placed your faith in Jesus as your Savior, you are His. You belong to Him. He loves you more than you can fathom.
He will lead you out of the darkness if you will just quiet yourself and listen to Him. Be blessed, my friend!
If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Galatians 5:25 NASB
