A while back I was trying to figure out what emotion I was feeling inside. There was an ache and an emptiness that I knew from experience could only be filled by God. Not only was I well aware that it could not be filled by people or things, I didn't want it to be. I knew it was a hunger for God alone, so I have been waiting before God during prayer to show up and fix the problem.
While waiting, I have been asking all kinds of questions.
We humans love to ask questions, don't we? Why am I in this battle? Why has it practically paralyzed me emotionally and spiritually? How can I ask God to fix something if I don't even know what is wrong?
And of course, God doesn't answer those questions.
Then one day at church, it came to me what I was feeling. No wonder it felt familiar! This particular emotion goes way back into my childhood. The spirit of rejection has been trying to work its way back into my life lately, and this time it brought along an old foe of mine to help to entrap me.
During worship it suddenly came to me, and I had to write it down. I quickly sat down and rummaged through my purse and Bible looking for paper, but I had cleaned out my purse and there was no scrap paper to be found. I finally scribbled frantically on the back of the bulletin. I know from experience that if I don't write it down it will "evaporate" and I won't be able to recall what it was.
So I wrote down what I had been feeling and couldn't put my finger on. I wrote these words:
I feel like everyone ran on ahead of me and left me here all alone. It's like I bent down to tie my shoe, and they didn't wait on me. I'm standing here all alone. But I'm not alone, Jesus said He would never leave me nor forsake me, so He is here. I'm surrounded by God....
And in the background the church was singing "It may look like I'm surrounded, but I'm surrounded by God. This is how I fight my battles..."
Suddenly I knew what it was. The emotion I had been experiencing was ABANDONMENT. Very similar to rejection, almost, but not exactly. I thought back to a time when I had felt that emotion. For some reason, this particular memory is etched into my brain.
When I was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8, I distinctly remember a time when my mama said she was going to the store, and I could go with her when she was ready to go. So I went out into the yard to wait for her. After I had been outside for a while, suddenly I saw her car driving down the street, away from our house.
I panicked. I was sure that my mama had forgotten I wanted to go with her, and she left me. I ran after the car, frantic to catch up with her and make her see me and remember that I wanted to go with her. I finally caught up with the car at the end of the block when the driver stopped at the stop sign.
Then I saw it wasn't my mama. Relief flooded through me as I stood there catching my breath. Even though I was still feeling shaky from emotion and the exertion of running an entire block, I walked back up the hill to my house. I remember feeling very foolish, embarrassed, and ashamed. I don't think I ever told my mama that I had thought she left me.
This feeling has come back to me periodically throughout the years but I had never identified what it was.
But now it had finally been revealed to me what I was battling! I went to the Lord when I got home and talked to Him about it. I gave Him my fear of abandonment. I knew it wasn't actual abandonment, because that has already been taken care of. I know I am not abandoned because that is contrary to the Word of God:
Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:9-11
In Isaiah 53 His word says "He was despised and forsaken of men." He took care of this at the cross in our place so we don't have to be! That is awesome news!
My mother, father, and brother went to be with Jesus a long time ago. It's been over twenty years. My children grew up, went to college, and went on to follow their dreams like I wanted them to. They are happily living their lives, and I am truly happy for them, but they are all in places far away from me so I don't see them often.
It appears I have been left all alone. However, no matter how many times the enemy comes to me and tells me I have been abandoned and left here all alone, I can simply turn to him and declare the truth by using the Word of God to combat his lies.
I am NOT forsaken, and I am NOT abandoned. Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Psalm 27:10 NLT
If you are battling the lies of the enemy about anything, write down all the scriptures you can find that contradict the lies and say them back to him whenever he whispers those lies in your ear.
Write them on post it notes and put them on your bathroom mirror, above the kitchen sink, or anywhere else you want to remind yourself of how to fight those lies.
Also, put on some worship music and sing along with it. A sure way to defeat the enemy is to worship Jesus.
Whatever you may be battling, Jesus has defeated it. Declare it, believe it, live it!
I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you. Hebrews 13:5 NASB
