Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7 NLT
I'm not proud of the broken life I used to live, but God is using what the enemy meant for evil to do good. I am sometimes led to share some of it.
During prayer recently I was reminded of a time many years ago in my life when I was in one of those very painful places. Life had dealt me a series of hard blows, leaving me as a broken, damaged version of who God had created me to be. My heart had been broken into a million pieces and I was crushed emotionally. God has done a miraculous work in my life and I am completely healed from all that emotional damage, praise the Lord! But I'm feeling drawn to write about it, so here I am.
I was a mess, but because of the Lord's redeeming love He has delivered me and set me free so well that before I could write this blog I literally had to look it up in my journal because I couldn't remember the details. Thank GOD I can't remember it! This is a testimony of His awesome, redeeming power and love.
My journals are written in many volumes, spanning the last 22 years since my walk with Jesus began in 1994. They record the details of the journey and I feel strongly that I am supposed to keep them so others can benefit from hearing about what God has done for me. I don't live there anymore, though, and seldom go back into those darker volumes unless I feel led to do so. God gives me grace to read portions without being negatively affected, but He also gives me the sense to leave the past in the past.
Because of my fragile and broken emotions, I was easily hurt over small things. But if something substantial came along that was bad enough to knock even an emotionally stable person down, it was devastating to me. This is about one of those times where an incident hurt me very badly.
After the incident I was to the point emotionally that I had actually become sick physically. I couldn’t eat. For days, I had no appetite. I ate next to nothing, only then because I felt like the Lord told me to eat. So I did, but almost got sick. Grief consumed me. I was functioning a little, sort of on “auto-pilot;” but I wanted to die. I cried out to the Lord repeatedly to help me, because I knew He was my only hope.
Then one morning during my prayer time something happened. Looking back, I know it was the Lord. Suddenly, for about a ½ second, there was a brightness (I had my eyes closed, but it felt like a light was directed toward me). Then, I felt the presence of Jesus. First, His hands were on my head, and then He touched my heart. For just an instant, it was heavy, like a weight was on it. I had a cramping sensation in my stomach, like a resistance. Then it was just GONE. The grief, pain—ALL GONE!!! My heart was light. I remember Him saying as He touched me, “you can’t bear this, so I am taking it.” He took my pain!!!
I have never been the same since that day. I still had some emotional stuff to work through, but the incident that had caused me so much grief and heartache in that particular situation has never bothered me again. I have completely forgiven those who hurt me. I am completely free of the pain. I don't think about it. I don't worry about it. Its power to hurt me has been neutralized.
If you identify with this at all and are having a struggle emotionally, take heart. You are not alone, and you aren't the only one who has ever felt the stinging pain that is so prevalent in our broken world. Do not believe the lies that the devil is telling you that you are too much a mess, that you are unlovable, or you have passed the point of being able to be redeemed by God. The devil is a LIAR.
God will do for you what He did for me. You have His Word on it.
Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken. Psalm 55:22 NIV