Over the last few years, the Lord has been peeling away layers of my heart, like layers of an onion. At times this can be painful, but most of the time I’m just amazed that I am seeing glimpses of “the real me,” instead of the façade that I have hidden behind most of my life. I'm just as surprised as everyone else; I had no idea who I was, either.
In the last couple of years or so I have learned a lot about myself. For instance, I now know that I am an introvert. I am much happier alone or with a few I am close to than in a crowd. I have to have my alone time to rest and recharge. Being around large groups of people is exhausting and drains all the energy out of me as a rule. I am ok with being with close friends and family to an extent, but even with them I find I have to be alone after a while.
I’ve been reading old journals; some from over 20 years ago, and some from recent years. I have found a common thread throughout: I discovered that I had severe emotional damage up until about 3 or so years ago. It is suddenly so clear to me, and was quite a revelation to me, though I'm sure those close to me knew it long ago. I was desperately needy, and always seeking to have that need filled by various people. I’m not even going to try and analyze why I became that way. God knows; and if He wants me to know, He will show me. If it is better that I not know, I’m ok with that.
One of the characteristics I developed as a child and teenager is embarrassing to admit, but I can tell it now because I am totally delivered from it. I became very much in need of approval and affirmation. It was revealed to me as I prayed and sought the Lord that I was an attention seeker. Some emotionally damaged children seek attention in any way they can get it because they are so neglected and so starved for love and acceptance. Sometimes the attention is in the form of discipline, but it seems that they would prefer negative attention to no attention.
I was not one of those who did bad things to get attention, though; at least not openly bad. I didn’t break things, or steal, or intentionally try to hurt others. The destruction I rendered was to myself. I turned my insecurities inward and became my own worst enemy. I constantly berated myself inwardly for things about myself in which I didn’t feel I measured up to the standard I had set for myself.
As I said before, I’m not into analyzing why I became self-loathing and critical of myself, but I do have a theory. It all came into focus in my time with the Lord last night. I believe it was a generational curse intended to destroy me. This was mentioned by a Christian counselor I went to for a while a few years back, and I knew when they said it they were right. I have renounced this curse in the name of Jesus, and I am free from it. However, God is still cleaning up the damage left in its wake.
I used to be so focused on everything that was wrong in my life that if I happened to open up to a friend on occasion, afterward I would hate myself for being such a pain. It became a vicious cycle, and it constantly fed the ever-growing chasm in my heart that the insecurities of feeling insignificant and unloved had made. After I shared my heart with someone I would hate myself and became convinced I had made the listener angry or not love me anymore. On and on and on, ad nausem.
Most of my friends from childhood had no idea I was such an emotional wreck because I was very good at hiding my true feelings. I'm sure I didn't even know I was doing it or that I had emotional problems, but I didn't let very many close enough to me to discover it.
I went along like this until I met my husband when I was 17. For a while, things were much better. I loved him, and he made me feel good about myself because he claimed to love me. Of course, it wasn’t long until I began to doubt that he really did, and I proceeded to try his patience with me like I had with the few friends I had let close to me.
He wasn’t without emotional damage himself, though. He was an imperfect human being just as I was. He did love me as much as he knew how, but he was only human. No human can fill the void that is intended for God, no matter who they are or how much they love us. So we were like two damaged souls trying to find the light switch in a dark room. Neither of us knew where it was, and we kept hurting each other while trying to find it.
I remember a specific time in the first year of our marriage where we had been arguing about something. I don’t remember what the argument was about, but I do remember crying and running down the hall to the bathroom hoping that he would come and comfort me and tell me it was all going to be ok.
He never came. I needed a knight in shining armor on a white horse, but he was just as broken as I was. This event set the tone for our entire relationship. I can see so clearly now that we both just needed Jesus. At least, I know I did. I can't say for sure about him.
I found out about the grace and forgiveness that Jesus offers when I was in my late 30s. By this time, we had 3 children entering their teenage years and our marriage was teetering on a precipice of fear and insecurities that we had lived on for so many years. This pattern I was into of setting up anyone who loved me to not be there for me, which I perceived as proof they didn’t love me repeated itself over and over until God finally opened my eyes to what was happening.
One morning I was all alone in the house, and the pain in my heart became so intense I could stand it no more. I had been attending a church for over a year that taught about the saving grace of Jesus, and all that Word that had been planted in me finally broke through my crusty, hard heart. I gave my heart to Jesus on October 31, 1994 in a broken, sobbing mass of tears on my living room floor. My life began to turn around, but it was many years and heartbreaks later that I began to see and experience the chains actually falling off.
There was so much damage and so little trust and respect in our marriage that we eventually divorced in 1997. That was a very dark time in both of our lives. God mercifully intervened into our lives and it appears that my ex is now a Christian, too. He remarried years ago and seems to be happy now. I am truly happy for him.
I am a different person today than I was even 3 years ago, thanks to the miraculous and healing touch of Jesus in my life. Even though I gave my heart to Jesus 20 years ago, the healing is a process; it didn’t happen overnight. I know now what I did when I set people up to dump me; I was only repeating the pattern that had been established in my family line many generations earlier. I am so thankful that the blood of Jesus breaks that curse and those chains of emotional damage have fallen off.
Jesus is my Savior; He is my Knight in shining armor who rescued me on that day 20 years ago when I cried out for Him to save me and help me. He always ALWAYS comes to my aid when I am hurting. He meets me at the very point of my need; He picks me up and holds me until I am reassured that He does love me and always will and He will never, EVER forsake me.
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 NASB
You have always been a precious,loving,beautiful,kind soul with a graceful giving spirit. You just never saw the beauty that Yeshua saw and what we see. God Bless You Debbie with many blessing and much Shalom in your life......Pat Lenzini
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