Tuesday, June 30, 2009

When it all started...

The foundation for my blog can be found in the entry I made in my journal on February 5, 2009. In that entry I revealed that I identify so well with the main character of the book _Hinds' Feet on High Places_ by Hannah Hurnard. For years, I had been dominated by a spirit of fear. Every aspect of my life was controlled by the paralyzing effect that fear had on me. I was convinced that I could not do the things that others did; that I somehow had limitations others didn't have. God has done a great work in me over the years, since I accepted Him as my Savior 14 years ago. I now know that I was being lied to about my limitations, just like Much Afraid in the book was. I have journaled about it ever since. The very first entry in my ongoing spiritual journey started with these words:

"October 31, 1994. This was the day that I laid the broken pieces of my life at the feet of Jesus. He was so real to me that day, alone in my house, that I could almost see Him standing in my living room. Having been in pain emotionally for a number of years, I asked Him to fill my heart with His love, because I felt no one really loved me. I asked Him to fill my cup, as I lifted it to Him, until it overflowed with His love. I asked for Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit and use me somehow in His work."

He has continued to amaze me. I have had ups and downs of course, but the road continues to lead upward, just like Much Afraid's journey in the book did. Pride, Resentment, and Self-Pity have visited me on this trip, but just as in the book, my Shepard comes to my rescue when I call on Him. This is where I find myself tonight. I have had many difficulties lately, and it is so tempting to believe the lies that the enemy of my soul whispers in my ear. But God is faithful, and He helps me when it gets to be too much for me, like tonight. It has been my experience that when I have these times, those are the times I need to dig into the Word for a nugget of truth to stand on. I have to declare it several times before I start to believe it sometimes, but Jesus always comes through. The truth of His Word is not dependent on my ability to grasp it or even declare it. His truth is truth, regardless of my feelings. And not only do I have to dig in and hang on, I have to share it. One of my spiritual gifts involves writing and encouraging others. I know I am not the only one going through "stuff," as much as satan would like me to think I am. This is why I like to write; it is something God put within me. I simply cannot keep it to myself. 

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights." Habakkuk 3:19 (NLT)